Topic : 12/04 Heroin Twins: The Intervention, Part 3

     My ex-husband (father of four of my children) Is currently in active addiction and has been since our divorce in 1998. At the time of our divorce the kids were, 10,9,8,& 5 years old.  His contact has always been speratic ( we didn't hear from him for 2 years at one point) he is usually under the influence when he does call, and every time he does talk to them he makes empty and broken promises. I have always been honest with my children, never bad-mouthing their father. (no matter how much he irritated me)

     I did let him talk to them and see them whenever he wanted. As much as it hurt to see them heartbroken and dissapointed, I needed to let them talk to & see him for him and not what I wanted them to see him to be. I made sure their safety was my first priority so I chose safe neutral family members for him to see them at their place.

     He has bad-mouthed me to them and tried to blame me for the limited contact but they knew better. I did not feed into it and continued to allow him to talk to them no matter what he sounded like when he called. When they got off the phone or after a visit my children may have acted differently as a response the their dissapointment. I just held them, told them I loved them and that in his own way, their father loved them too.

     My children are now, 18, 17, 16, & 12 years old. They respect me for NEVER keeping them from their father. They do not believe one word their father says so they are less heartbroken and dissapointed. I come out to be the "good guy".

     I was kept from my father and lost respect for my mother as a result of it. It was not easy all of these years, but I did for my kids. I had a lot of people telling me I was wrong but my kids do not think that at all. your 8 year old girl WILL resent you if you get in the way. Just make sure she is safe and that she knows she can confide in you when she is dissapointed by her mother (because she will be).

     Do not feed into the mothers negativity. Be better than that. I guarrentee, the child will eventually figure it out. God bless you, Lonnie O'Neill

I totally agree with you, I would have never let them back into my home. Look at this board its a fact addicts will lie, cheat and steal. I think they would would have been capable of selling that innocent baby belonging to their step father and his wife. I wonder why Dr. Phil did not let them stay at his home, with HIS wife and childern. I really lost respect for him blaming the STEP father. I beleive it was the Mothers fault and until they see that those girls will never recover.

Dana

I was NOT referring solely to you, but to the original poster.  Yes, we need to hold people accountable, but when you blame the children in the situation for the sins of the parents, that is what i was debating. 

Yes, both the original poster's daughter and the drug addicted twins made bad decisions.  Look at the environment in which they were raised.  Abandoned by their biological father, overly permissive mother, and having a Stepdad abandon them, they could have been a lot more screwed up.

They DID take accountability for their actions by being receptive to Dr. Phil's offer for help- rehab in seperate arenas.

I don't really know what your "accomplishments" encompass, and have no way to determine your educational level, although the original poster sounds like she came from a lower class, judgmental, limited educational back ground.  Although, you made a good point about her not holding her daughter accountable- I get that.  If she holds everyone else to a certain standard and not her own, that's hypocrisy (sp?).

  The father through legal adoption should have told his wife that he had a responsibility.  You don't just dump a kid b/c they have problems.  You talk to them, work it out, get them help, spend time with them.  He didn't even have to take them into his house, just spend time with them and be there for them.  That would have helped a lot.

Some kind of visitation schedule should have been arranged thru the court with some other relative (not the mom) having sole custody.  That way the "dad" could be in their lives without the "danger" of them being around the baby. 

I guess if you knock up some other chick, everyone else has to suffer.

You say 9 years old and kicked out of one school ALREADY?  I say you need to buy the transcripts of all of the shows about the twins.  Because he is heading in that direction of the twins and so many others.  You are feeling sorry for your daughter whom YOU obviously never taught about birth control. I had a sister who was sexually abused by a close relative and never went to drugs or alcohol, got pregnant and married then divorced, and raised her 2 children NOT by receiving, as i take it, ONLY $1,000.00 a month from the state and $500.00 in FOOD STAMPS.  What do you think she deserves?  $1000.00 for each child.  Please,  birth control would have been a lot cheaper and life a lot easier or did she have to have 5 children to get that much? $200.00 per child, she only needs to have 2 more children to have the state cover the rent.  7 children X $200.00= $1400.00. Hello...... get off your ass and get a job or 2 if that's what it takes.  You don't need Dr. Phil helping 5 young children get over anything.  You have insurance through the state to take care of that also. You don't need to be in the spotlight playing poor me to get those children help.  If you were on Dr. Phil he would tear you guys apart and the skeletons would be falling out of the closets everywhere.  You would have to make a path to get off of the stage after 50-60 years of bones piled on that stage.  By the way, been in the same type of relationship as your daughter my second time around but guess what?  I got out and I worked took birth control for years and raised my only son who went through many of his own hard times in 22 years including the passing of his father at when he was 17.   You know what you remind me of  "The alcoholic that sits on the bar stool 7 days a week and talks about the no good drug addict."  One is no different than the other.  People like you disgust me.  Why don't you let all of your skeletons out of the closet?  Michelle, you need  intense therapy.  By the way my mother had me in 1964, kept me, got a job and raised me NEVER thought about giving me away because as you put "That was a big no no in the 60's."  You didn't think long and hard you just did it because you didn't want your daughter or the responsibility at that time.  Through the years you felt  guilty about your choice and try to make it up now.  I am an empathetic person to all situatons in life whether or not I have experienced them.  I am going to give you a taste of your own medicine and maybe you will think twice the next time you reply to a message in the way you did considering you have never been through an alcohol, crack, meth, or heroin addiction, I am assuming,  with a loved one such as one of your step-children, step- grandchildren, daughter or grandchildren, brother, sister, niece, or nephew. If you have watched the episodes with the twin sister addicted to heroin and post message you have not heart as a parent or human being.  As per your quote "GIVE ME A BREAK PLEASE"  not this time. You have a lot of guilt, anger and resentment starting back when you were a child and were sexually abused to getting pregnant, giving you daughter away, losing your arm, your health and losing your husband and who knows what else.  Maybe you didnt do the drugs, etc.  but you have not dealt with it or you wouldn't be so angry with life. Most parents would give their right arm for their child you just did it a little later in life and oh yes you do feel like "oh poor me"  or you wouldn't have brought it up.  You deserve an award you raised 5 children to another man with one arm but couldn't raise one of your own with two arms. Neuropathy, family members with that too and they rarely mention it and go to work everyday (my father at 62) So I take it your having the state take care of you also.   You sound like you have hidden resentment:  " having kids to feed clean up after and watch over" come on GRAM that's what loving parents and grandparents do when help is needed.   You brought a side of me out that never existed until i read you message and believe me this is the first time I have ever replied to any message online but I had to.  I would really like to hear from you in a few years.  Just to see if you are still living in the drug free world.  You have 5 grandchildren, well guess what you can raise them all the same and can still have that 1 or 2 and sometimes all 5 turn out to be a gambling, sex, shopping, drug addict, or an alcoholic. You just never know.  I have seen it in many families.  Don't throw stones for any reason when you live in a glass house.  I hope you never go throught it because you will eat every word you said unless you live in denial like so many do.  You have quite a large family for it to have turned out with not one addict.  God Bless You...... You should have written a book on parenting, made millions and paid your daughter's rent.  Good Luck in life, I wish your family the best and please get some intense counseling. Only YOU can make that CHOICE. Lisa