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Topic : 03/23 Homework Hell

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Created on : Friday, December 01, 2006, 03:23:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 12/07/06) When it comes to helping kids with school assignments, some parents just don’t make the grade. Angela says her 12-year-old son, Masen, takes up to six hours to finish his homework, and she says she can’t stop nitpicking. Her mother, Gayle, says Angela acts like a drill sergeant, and has called Masen "lazy and useless." What’s behind Angela’s frustration? Then, tempers rise as Angela feels her parenting skills are being criticized. Find out the conversation Dr. Phil has with her during the break. Plus, Dr. Phil gives Angela a test of his own, and Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of The IQ Answer, weighs in. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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December 2, 2006, 10:02 am CST

12/07 Homework Hell

I truly hope Doctor Phil can help this mother and son.

Six hours to do homework, WOW, that's rough, but what we have to sit back and think is, are there other issues here.

Sorry for being " CRITICAL" here, but you know what, someone standing over my shoulder barking like a drill sargent, and nitpicking EVERYTHING I do, or calling me things like USELESS or LAZY, isn't really going to inspire me to do anything for you either, as an adult I'd tell you to "go to hell", but a kid especially your own likely won't.

Mom needs to relax, and investigate the matter further.  I know personally many parents who are quick to label their child, and for some reason think its a failure on their part if there is a problem, Get over it, if there is a problem and you will not acknowledge it, or get your child the appropriate help with it, then YOU are setting him or her up for a lifetime of frustration and feeling stupid.

I have a son with Dyslexia and ADHD, I'm not ashamed of him or his problems, and by working with his teachers, and doctors, we have come up with a plan for his SUCCESS.  He knows if he dosen't do the work, he will fail like everyone else, but if he makes an HONEST effort on his notes and reports ( Spellcheck and Grammer check are the BEST inventions EVER), spelling can be forgiven, and his teachers allow him time to practice BEFORE having to read orally.

Homework (sigh) is yes a nightmare sometimes, but we do not force it as soon as the kids get home.  We give them at least an hour to unwind first, and after sitting in class all day, my son could no more sit any longer than I could go Bungee Jumping.  Again, his teachers and I came up with extended time limits for him, and EVERYTHING being done on the computer, if you ever seen his handwriting you'd know why.

A Learning Difference does NOT make a child stupid or Lazy, and it is one of the BIGGEST reasons people shouldn't be quick to critisize people on Message Boards for their spelling and Grammer mistakes, you don't know what these people have to go through to write these messages.

If you find yourself among those who don't have the patience for homework, and not all of us do, then FIND someone else to help them. Peers, grandparents, your spouse if applicable, you will ruin your relationship with your child if you keep going this way.  You ARE NOT admitting failure, you are admitting the truth you don't have the patience, GET HELP !!!!!

I do homework here because my husband is also dyslexic and so reports and things drive him NUTS as well, but if they have to build a model or experiment, he's there with bells on, but we admit we have DIFFERENCES.

I truly HATE IT when people yell and get onto their kids BEFORE finding out if there might be a problem, you might be holding back a brilliant mind, your C student might actually be an A student, if instead of acting like a drill sargent, you actually find out if something is wrong, and by the way, the nitpicking, well why should the child even TRY, if what could be his best isn't good enough ?

 
December 3, 2006, 5:46 pm CST

Respecting your own child

     Again comments can only be made on the small blurb about next week as the show actually hasn't even aired yet.  So here goes! I believe no matter what HER issues are there has to be accountability for what she is doing to her son.  Cruel and unusual punishment!  She is mentally abusing her son and thats for criticizing him for doing his homework.  Why is it always the children who suffer for adults insecurities and weaknesses? Where are the rest of the family members and why aren't they stopping this?  Sometimes I don't get it! Again Dr. Phil makes people aware of what is going on in families lives and I really hope someone doing the same to their children watches and learns from it.  Keep it up sir!
 
December 3, 2006, 8:37 pm CST

Homework

I think home work has gone too far. The schools are saying they are giving 1 to 1 1/2 hour of homework yet it is the same amount of homework I had as a full time college student and this is in the 6th, 7th, and 8th grades. My children, who do need someone to help them stay focused (no not a drill seargent) usually take up to 3+ hours. This leaves no time for studying and no time for family life. I have even adjusted my work hours so we are all home by 3:30 yet there still is no family time. Japan has recently started to abolish homework due to several studies that found that kids do no better with homework than they do without. I think since the US followed Japan when they started the homework concept, that  we should follow them yet, again. After all they seem to have much less educational problems than the US does. School work should be done in school and the only homework should be what the children don't finish in school. Lets face it, its not reality at all!! Most of us are off of work when we leave at the end of the day. There are some times I do work from home but that is only the work I was unable to finish during the work day. I much prefer to help my children build their study and reading habits and have some fun each night than to have to be yet another teacher!

 
December 4, 2006, 4:53 am CST

homework

I am a grandmother of 9 beautiful grandbabies, they are all in school or perhaps I should say have been in school( two have graduated).

I may have misunderstood the letter written about a child takeing six hours to do homework, but in general as I have seen with my grandchildren , what is the teachers job , no child should come home with that much homework , when most of us leave our jobs we are done for the day , not at home but at work. A child is suppose to be a child not leave school  ( work) and then come home to alot of homework

Our teacher are getting paid for their job and some I must say make very good money , just to shift the responsibility on the parent.

Ive seen it with my own eyes , a teacher comes into the class room and tells his student " read chapter 10 , do an essay on it and turn it in tomorrow" end of discussion.

Many teacher I am sure will be pissed off when they read it , but if the shoe fits wear it . Im not saying all teachers do this but I know alot of them do.

Another subject on the teachers. When I was in school I was sure all of my teacher were atleast 100 years old , todays teacher ( alot of them) are not much older then the students, they are the students""friend""" the student doesnt need a friend they have lots of them they need a teacher. Ive seen junior and senior students talking about the party they went to friday night , and guess what , mr, or mrs, so in so was there , now at this part they are not mr  or mrs they are jeff or angie , they drink and dance and possibly even do drugs , then on monday morning when the student returns to scholl , they are suppose to be mr. or mrs. so in so , wronggggggggggggggg.

What kind of mixed signals are we sending our students.

Well sorry didnt mean to get away from the homework subject , but any child that has enough homework to last six hours , is getting to much homework.Come on people these are children we are talking about .When school is out they should be able to go outside and play or visit with their friends , or whatever , but six hours of homework is redicules.

Sandy

 
December 4, 2006, 6:10 am CST

How much work is being done at school?

My son is in 4th grade and on average he brings home 3-4 assignments a night. Sometimes 2-3 just in Math!! He is also writing a book report once a month, and a weekly assignment in Social Studies. Then there are his assignments in Science, Spelling and Reading. But Math is the big one, he has a workbook, single sheets and computer sheets. We assess the situation when he gets home so that we know how much time he has to be a kid before he has to crack down on homework. We usually put aside an hour, at least, for him every night. But when he struggles, like with reading, then it can take up to 2- 2 1/2 hours. And I have three other kids, younger than him. Where are we supposed to find the time? And what are they doing in school, if they are bringing home so much?
 
December 4, 2006, 6:15 am CST

Homework Hell

There is hope and help for this child and parent.  My son and daughter-in-law had a similar situation with their daughter.  Constant frustration that ended in tears for all in the 3rd grade.  It's a matter of the child learning how to study and do homework.   Within most  school systems there are excellent tudoring programs available.  Yes, there may be some expense involved, and if that's a problem, then barter with the tudor.  Or, do you know of a an older student who is on the honor roll and who is willing to help your child.  It's just a matter of seeking out help.  Also, it releaves the parent, who in most instances is not familar with the complexities of the academics of today.

 

My granddaughter is now a freshman in high school and has been on the A-B honor roll since the 4th grade.  The key is learning to study and how to do the homework.

 
December 4, 2006, 6:23 am CST

Getting help

Quote From: mnpsych

I think home work has gone too far. The schools are saying they are giving 1 to 1 1/2 hour of homework yet it is the same amount of homework I had as a full time college student and this is in the 6th, 7th, and 8th grades. My children, who do need someone to help them stay focused (no not a drill seargent) usually take up to 3+ hours. This leaves no time for studying and no time for family life. I have even adjusted my work hours so we are all home by 3:30 yet there still is no family time. Japan has recently started to abolish homework due to several studies that found that kids do no better with homework than they do without. I think since the US followed Japan when they started the homework concept, that  we should follow them yet, again. After all they seem to have much less educational problems than the US does. School work should be done in school and the only homework should be what the children don't finish in school. Lets face it, its not reality at all!! Most of us are off of work when we leave at the end of the day. There are some times I do work from home but that is only the work I was unable to finish during the work day. I much prefer to help my children build their study and reading habits and have some fun each night than to have to be yet another teacher!

You know what; it is not always the parent's fault. My oldest child, Julia, has many issues. Whenever there is a challenge presented to her, she whines and cries, throws temper tantrums and shuts down. I am not a drill sergeant, but I do expect her homework completed within a reasonable amount of time. I do my best to keep patience. Homework has become such a problem at home; it sometimes can take her up to 6 hours to complete her homework too… She manipulates people well, sometimes a little to well, so she does not have to complete her tasks.

I have gotten a TSS worker to help with this situation for both home and school. (So, I am not the only one that is having the problem) The problem is, the TSS work is temporary, usually for a few months. I have been there, and still there, so I am not judging anyone. I have found myself saying the same things to my daughter after a few hours of temper tantrums.

What do you do in instances where the child refuses to complete his/.her homework? I make her sit at the table until it is done. Sometimes she goes to bed and her homework is still not completed. I do not stand over her and say complete your homework, I check in on her every half hour or so. I should not have to fight with her to start or finish writing her spelling words 10 times each, or to complete a simple addition work sheet. She is 11 years old. She knows that she is supposed to put her coat away and start her homework as soon as she gets home; she has been doing that since she has been five years old. Nothing has changed. In addition, the homework she comes home with, she should be done within 20 minutes. So, why does she make it out to be this horrible task she has to complete? Why does she act as if completing her homework will hurt or kill her? I have offered her reward options if she completes her homework, but she is not interested in them. She would much rather sit at the table and whine or shut down.

People just do not understand and are too quick to judge others without knowing the whole story.

 
December 4, 2006, 6:24 am CST

Can't wait to watch this...

My 13yo daughter doesn't get her homework done. We know she's bright - independent testing and performance on her work (when she does it) shows she's capable of doing the work. She just *doesn't*. Her latest report card had A+'s in Math and Science and D's in French and Guidance (because she didn't hand in any of her homework assignments). We've avoided making homework a battle ground - she genuninely seems to feel awful that she's not getting the work done but, on the other hand, she won't schedule any time to do homework (she *hates* schedules). We're running out of options - with her intelligence she's a good candidate for some advanced programs available in the high schools where we live, but unless she can pull her homework act together, she's going to lose out on the opportunities. My biggest fear is that she's going to wind up in a dead-end job because she doesn't have the self-discipline to study, something she can't avoid at the post-secondary level.
 
December 4, 2006, 6:54 am CST

Homework right after school or not?

Quote From: ceildh1

I truly hope Doctor Phil can help this mother and son.

Six hours to do homework, WOW, that's rough, but what we have to sit back and think is, are there other issues here.

Sorry for being " CRITICAL" here, but you know what, someone standing over my shoulder barking like a drill sargent, and nitpicking EVERYTHING I do, or calling me things like USELESS or LAZY, isn't really going to inspire me to do anything for you either, as an adult I'd tell you to "go to hell", but a kid especially your own likely won't.

Mom needs to relax, and investigate the matter further.  I know personally many parents who are quick to label their child, and for some reason think its a failure on their part if there is a problem, Get over it, if there is a problem and you will not acknowledge it, or get your child the appropriate help with it, then YOU are setting him or her up for a lifetime of frustration and feeling stupid.

I have a son with Dyslexia and ADHD, I'm not ashamed of him or his problems, and by working with his teachers, and doctors, we have come up with a plan for his SUCCESS.  He knows if he dosen't do the work, he will fail like everyone else, but if he makes an HONEST effort on his notes and reports ( Spellcheck and Grammer check are the BEST inventions EVER), spelling can be forgiven, and his teachers allow him time to practice BEFORE having to read orally.

Homework (sigh) is yes a nightmare sometimes, but we do not force it as soon as the kids get home.  We give them at least an hour to unwind first, and after sitting in class all day, my son could no more sit any longer than I could go Bungee Jumping.  Again, his teachers and I came up with extended time limits for him, and EVERYTHING being done on the computer, if you ever seen his handwriting you'd know why.

A Learning Difference does NOT make a child stupid or Lazy, and it is one of the BIGGEST reasons people shouldn't be quick to critisize people on Message Boards for their spelling and Grammer mistakes, you don't know what these people have to go through to write these messages.

If you find yourself among those who don't have the patience for homework, and not all of us do, then FIND someone else to help them. Peers, grandparents, your spouse if applicable, you will ruin your relationship with your child if you keep going this way.  You ARE NOT admitting failure, you are admitting the truth you don't have the patience, GET HELP !!!!!

I do homework here because my husband is also dyslexic and so reports and things drive him NUTS as well, but if they have to build a model or experiment, he's there with bells on, but we admit we have DIFFERENCES.

I truly HATE IT when people yell and get onto their kids BEFORE finding out if there might be a problem, you might be holding back a brilliant mind, your C student might actually be an A student, if instead of acting like a drill sargent, you actually find out if something is wrong, and by the way, the nitpicking, well why should the child even TRY, if what could be his best isn't good enough ?

 I do not think other people should judge parents who get fustrated over homework issues without knowing what's going on.. 

When Julia first started school, I allowed her to play for  about  45 minutes after school, then she was to start her homework.  That didn't work for us.  She would want to play and not start her work at all.  So, I went for completing her homework right after school.  I am still having problems getting to even start the homowrk process.  Julia is smart, and it's fustrating that she doesn't allow herself to show how smart she is.  I get fustrated with her because she never wants to complete ANY TASKS.  I mean any!  Homework, chores, classwork, help with something as siple as getting something for me, all these things she manipulates herself out of doing.  Brilliant, yes she is.  She's the only 11  year old I know that can manipulate an adult.   And let me explain something to you, She has problems that have been addressed, it is her personalitly that allows her to act stupid and remain stupid.  I say this because she has been informed by several people that because she isn't showing her true potential, others wil judge her as she gets older as stupid.  And you and I know that is true.  My daughter isn't stupid, she just acts it.  I hate it when she does that.  It fustrates me because I know she is so much more than that.  I think that's why parents call their kids stupid, not because they really think they are, it's because the kids mask how smart they really are, and the parents get fustrated at them.  I'm not saying it's right, I am just explaining why I think it happens.  And that's why others should not be so quick to judge.  I can teach all my other children and help them with homework no problem.  Julia is just manipulaing and headstrong.  Julia does what she wants, even when I put my foot down.  She doesn't care if you punish her or take things away. She's not interested in award or rewards.  I do get help with her, but even the professional have problems getting Julia motovated.  So, it's not just me.  I donot nitpick her.  I do explain to her that if she has problems not understanding something, to complete whatever is easy first, then I will try to help her.  When I try to help her, she shuts down, whines, doesn't pay attention, etc.  I get fustrated with her so easily.  She doesn't even to to act like she's paying attention.  She doesn't show interest in what she's supposed to learn.

Do you think it should take an 11 year old 2 and a half hours to write 10 spelling words 10 times each?  Let me tell you, she comes home with first grade words, like cat and bat.  So I think she should be done within 15-20 min. 

Julia is in Special Education because she doesn't show her true potential.  She has a Behavior Specialist, a TSS worker, a therapist, so the help is there, she refuses to use the resources she has available. 

Oh yeah, we have tried putting her on meds, but she decided she didn't want to take them, so she talked with a friend about it.  Her friend taught her how to vomit her meds.  When I found out, I started putting it in her foods and drink, but she would sometimes give her little borthers or sister her food or drink.  So, I couldn't do that anymore. 

I am not the type of person that expects her to get all a's.  I expect her to try her best.  I do not think other people should judge parents who get fustrated over homework issues without knowing what's going on.. 

 
December 4, 2006, 6:58 am CST

home work

Quote From: sandrap1947

I am a grandmother of 9 beautiful grandbabies, they are all in school or perhaps I should say have been in school( two have graduated).

I may have misunderstood the letter written about a child takeing six hours to do homework, but in general as I have seen with my grandchildren , what is the teachers job , no child should come home with that much homework , when most of us leave our jobs we are done for the day , not at home but at work. A child is suppose to be a child not leave school  ( work) and then come home to alot of homework

Our teacher are getting paid for their job and some I must say make very good money , just to shift the responsibility on the parent.

Ive seen it with my own eyes , a teacher comes into the class room and tells his student " read chapter 10 , do an essay on it and turn it in tomorrow" end of discussion.

Many teacher I am sure will be pissed off when they read it , but if the shoe fits wear it . Im not saying all teachers do this but I know alot of them do.

Another subject on the teachers. When I was in school I was sure all of my teacher were atleast 100 years old , todays teacher ( alot of them) are not much older then the students, they are the students""friend""" the student doesnt need a friend they have lots of them they need a teacher. Ive seen junior and senior students talking about the party they went to friday night , and guess what , mr, or mrs, so in so was there , now at this part they are not mr  or mrs they are jeff or angie , they drink and dance and possibly even do drugs , then on monday morning when the student returns to scholl , they are suppose to be mr. or mrs. so in so , wronggggggggggggggg.

What kind of mixed signals are we sending our students.

Well sorry didnt mean to get away from the homework subject , but any child that has enough homework to last six hours , is getting to much homework.Come on people these are children we are talking about .When school is out they should be able to go outside and play or visit with their friends , or whatever , but six hours of homework is redicules.

Sandy

I am a mother of 3, a 15 year old son, a13 year old son, and a 4 year old daughter.  My 13 year old has a T.B.I ( traumatic brain injury) also he has ADDHD. So yes he struggles in school. The teachers have been helpful with his work , However i must agree with the home work issue. Teachers now a days send way to much home.AS Sandy has said kids need time to play and visit friends. My son has to work very hard to stay focused for 8 hours at school,. When he comes home he must go outside and play to get all that t bottled up energy out. Teachers go home and relax when they are done working. When i was in school they maybe went home and graded papers, now the other students do the grading. My brother has a 2nd grade son who has been up to 10 pm doing homework some times. I believe that if the child works hard during there school day they should be rewarded by not having home work. If they play in school then they can finish it at home. I don't mind helping my son when he has work to do at home .But i want to enjoy my children and i cant spend time with the other 2 when i spend 4 or 5 hours working with 1 of them. So SANDY GRANDMOTHER OF 9 you took the words out of my mouth.  Lee Ann ALAbama mother

 
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