Topic : 12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

I am an alcoholic and have been for over 3 years. I didn't do any of those domestic violence, verbal and mental abuse, verbal threats as what Mike did to Maggie. I just happen to get caught drinking and driving 2 times within an 18 month period. My drivers license was revoked. I was placed on probation. Confiscated my license plate--permanently. Courts slapped me with fines; ordered to substance classes. In the process I gave away my house and my car. I felt humiliation, like a failure. Sure, at first I was very angry and very resentful toward law enforcement and the court system. I thought that they cheated me because I drank for over 5 decades, I was 53 years old at the time and I didn't hurt anybody. I was blaming everybody and everything!

I was also ordered to attend A.A. meetings. Of course, I resented this idea that something was telling me what to do with my life!!

It's been 3 years and 3 month. I am still sober. I attend A.A. meetings, faithfully, everyday. I have a close relationship with a higher power who is GOD. I hold myself fully accountible for all of my actions, what I say and how I feel. I own up to it 100%!! Not 95% or even 99% as Mike states. I do not harbor any more resentment toward the police and the court system. I have no regrets about my past and will not shut the door on it. Again, I take all responsibility for what I did. Nobody "pushes my buttons" because I wear sweatshirts. NOBODY.

Yes, I am an alcoholic. That does not justify my past behaviors. Nor does it justify any inappropriate things I say or do, today. It's just an excuse.

Maggie, I commend you for not taking Mike back into your life. He has to start acknowledging and hold himself accountible--100%. He need to get help for himself and not so he can get back into your life. And, you are right. There can be no "BUTS" added to his justifications. That's a bunch of bull crap (sorry for the expletitive). Should you ever consider taking Mike back, please check into Al-Anon (support group for loved ones of alcoholics).

Good Luck with you and your daughter.  Peace to ya'll

I agree with you in some respects.  First, I don't really think there are victims.  I do think a lot of people volunteer for abuse.  I used to do that.  Took some work to recognize it and get over it.  Second, I do think that ANY fight takes 2. 

Ultimately, I'm not sure the outcome is different.  If one partner recognizes that the person they are with cannot handle any disagreement or request for different behavior, the choice is pretty clear:  accept it or leave.  Arguing sure gets you nothing more than being called names or worse.  Putting up with it gets you mental and emotional problems. 

My own rule of thumb is to ask once.  See what happens.  If the person is so insensitive that he/she ignores my request, then it's probably all I need to know about what that relationship will bring to my own life.

Great post, and I agree with you about the chances for his continuing sobriety.  He's definitely not talking to a sponsor, or we wouldn't have heard that nonsense about how his "feelings" were hurt because she doesn't "trust" him.

Let's see.....how long has been making false promises?

He's still got that "poor me" attitude and the desire to be mothered by his wife.  I totally believe he can grow up, but he needs to shut up first.

I sensed she rather enjoyed being the mature one.  When this family really starts to recover is when she may need some much-needed help. 

Boy, do I relate!  Those letters are funny in a way.  Don't call?  Not to worry, an *alcoholic* letter is headed your way!

I found a lot of help in Al-Anon, and today I know it's all OK.  I, too, never really enjoyed the alcoholic parents.  Who can?

But I do appreciate a lot of moments.

I'M DISAPPOINTED DR. PHIL, YOU MISSED SOMETHING!

Dr Phil. kept asking Danny why he was so self destructive.  Wouldn't it be obvious that it's because he was beaten as a kid?  I know Danny didn't mention this on the show, but he has on other shows and the co-stars of Partridge Family all talked about it.

So his dad, the same sex role model, beat him on a regular basis when he was a kid.  Could this make him hate himself?  Maybe consider himself worthless?

I would bet his dad was an addict/alcoholic too!

Hopefully, he will resolve these past issues so they don't continue to contaminate his life. 

His dad might have beat his mother, too, which would explain how possesive he is of his wife.

 Dr. Phil,

    I didn't agree with the comment you made to Danny about his drug and alcohol abuse being "glamorized"  in the eyes of his children.  I'm sure that they can sense the pain that he goes through, especially when he lost his family for a whole month.   

My mother is an alcoholic and a drug addict and there is nothing at all glamorous about that life style, even if she has managed to stay off the street. 

Wickedness never was happiness, no matter how much money you have.

Staci   

Domestic abuse does not take 2  to occur.

The abuse comes from inside the abuser....and is not caused by anything the partner says or does.

Abusers rarely take responsibility for their actions and choices.