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Topic : 12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

Number of Replies: 245
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Created on : Friday, December 01, 2006, 03:25:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
A marriage vow says, “’Til death do us part.” But what if your husband’s behavior is so outrageous, you fear he’ll end up in an early grave? Dr. Phil’s first guest, Danny Bonaduce, was a child star on the ’70s hit show The Partridge Family, but now he’s infamous for his bad behavior. Danny has been arrested for drug possession, has been in rehab three times and has cheated on his wife, Gretchen. The couple showcases their struggle with his addictions on the VH1 show Breaking Bonaduce. Danny says he’s finally sober, but Gretchen says she can’t stop being suspicious of his every move. Is it too soon for her to trust him? Then, Maggie says she can’t deal with her fiancé, Michael’s, chaotic behavior. Michael admits that he’s verbally abusive to his wife-to-be, even in front of their young daughter, but says he wants to stop. Maggie moved halfway across the country and took their child without telling him. Can Michael get his family back, or has he lashed out one time too many?  Share your thoughts here.

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December 4, 2006, 6:48 am CST

Danny B

I think gretchen is very forgiving even to consider taking Danny back into her home and i don't balme her for not wanting him in her bed. If my husband had ever cheated onme, the last thing I would ever do is allow him back in my bed or in my home. He broke the most sacred of trust in a relationship and he has some incredible nerve ev en asking her to forgive him. If he was so hot after another woman, he should go and be withthe one who was worth hurting the person he was suposed to love most in the world. He is a child star...who cares? He cheated on his wife, cheated on himself and his family by not being serioous about his rehabilitation, why does he think he is entitled to more than any other man. Maybe Danny should grow up and stop being so selfish.
 
December 4, 2006, 7:38 am CST

our of control husbands/significant other & the media

i was married to my son's father for almost 7 years. i thought he was pretty even tempered until the first time i saw my 'introductury' temper tantrum just prior to our wedding day. he seemed to get along in life just fine. then the day would come about where something would happen, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. he would blow up so much so that i was literally scared for my life, even more so after the birth of my son. my ex-husband would put his fist though walls, closet doors, tear phone books apart so easily as if it was just a piece of paper, he would pound counter tops, scream into my ears, and then wrap this wonderful package with the worse of all words that a man can call his wife. he said that he believed that calling me these disgusting words would get my attention. he was verbally abusive to the highest extent. he always had my attention, he just did not look to see that it was there. in the end though he really got the my complete, and absolute attention; after all that i went through this with him - DIVORCE. he was so upset, and very sad. sure, i was too, i was in this marriage for the long haul, yet because i get up being abused which he knew, yet he did not get it. all the flowers, and apologies could not change the way his behavior affected me. thank god he never hit me, though on the last day that he shared our home with me, he did push me up against the stair railing, his grip so hard that it left bruises, the actual imprint of his hands, on both of my arms, in addition to bruises on my backside, from being pushed hard against the stair raiing. i knew he was hurting so i just let it go as he was leaving. i did not want to take what was already a very volital situation, and possibly turn it into a very violent one, especially when my son is there. this is just one example of his being out of control. verbal abuse, for me, is probably the worse type of abuse that there is. i would have rather been hit, than to endure verbal abuse. physical wounds heal, yet words never leave one's memory, and can scare one for life. it did, and has for me.

i have had a few serious relationships since, yet none of them would be with a man who knew how to treat a woman with respect, courtesy, kindness, etc., and also having control over what they would say. they did not know how to think before they spoke. also, their vices that were not attractive to me: smoking, drugs, drinking, and they all were career driven men who believed that they had absolute control over their lives. they wanted control over me as well. i would like to know what gives a man the idea that he can do whatever he wants after the good behavior period in a new relationship, and the time that goes on after? i am not perfect, and i do choose to not hurt others. i have good morals, and values, and have taught my son the same. it has been 22 years since my divorce, and it sadens me that i may never find someone of good character, morals, values, etc. there is much more to say, yet i have said enough already. your input is greatly appreciated.

 

i would like to say that many people that i know, including myself, are sick and tired of all the media attention given to celebrities these days. there are much more important things to report about these days. every single day that i put on my cable news, there is constant coverage about this celebrity or that celebrity. WHY? give us a break. its the holidays, so talk about important issues with regard to that if you need a topic. it happens to be a very tough time for many, including myself. thank you very much.

 
December 4, 2006, 8:09 am CST

Out of Control Husbands

These men don't have to be on drugs or alcohol. I was married for 17 years to one who did not use drugs or drink, but he an anger issues that destroyed our relationship early on, but I hung in there hoping things would change. These men don't change. Anger is their emotion of choice. It's how they deal with life. There is no way  you can make them respect you or create boundaries because they do not understand boundaries. In order to survive with people like this, you have to give in and give in and give in. You walk on eggshells all the time. You never know what will set these time bombs off.  They can be fine one day; horrible the next. They're inconsistency and mood swings keep you off-balance all the time. You never know what to expect.

 

They only care about themselves. They are selfish, self-centered, emotionaly mal-adjusted people. If you are considering marrying someone like this, turn and run the other way. If you don't, your life will be a miserable existence, and if you stay with them long enough they will destroy your spirit and you'll find yourself nothing but a shell of who you once were.

 
December 4, 2006, 8:57 am CST

12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

From what we see on Breaking Bonaduce, which obviously is heavily edited, leaving room for audience perceptions to be mistaken, Danny still seems to be bargaining.  IF I stay off drugs and do XYZ, then Gretchen will say she loves me and sleep with me again.  Even what he said to Dr. Gary, that if Gretchen didn't come through on her end of the bargain, he couldn't swear he'd stay sober, shows that he's linking his sobriety to her cooperation.  He's not doing it for himself, not doing it for the kids, who deserve to grow up with a dad who is clean and sober and dealing with his bipolar issues.  He's doing it purely to regain control of Gretchen.  And as long as he's thinking that way, I wouldn't bank on his sobriety holding up in the long run.

I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather, doing the steps, going to meetings, all that stuff.  I "get" addiction.  I also have bipolar family members, and I understand their addiction to the mania, the "high" side of it.  It's hard to let go of the drama and just be a normal person, and there's a lot of self-hatred that goes into it. 

Danny needs to decide whether it's more important to him to have those highs, or whether it's more important to live to see his kids grow up, and to give them memories of a dad who cared more about them than his addictions.  He can't have both.  He may think he's insulating his kids from the craziness, but last week's episode showed him wrap bacon around his dog's collar, and take the dog and his kids out walking at night, hoping the smell would attract coyotes.  The kids thought it was so cool. Anyone who has lived around coyotes, though, will tell you that a coyote that's hungry enough will tear that dog up in front of your eyes and/or attack a small child.  How cool would that be? It was all about the drama.  Fortunately it ended well, with none of the kids being hurt or traumatized (though I bet after seeing that ep, his kids' friends won't be allowed to come over again when he's babysitting). 

Danny has a lot going for him, but he's going to need to commit to recovery and start considering the well-being of his family before his own conflicting needs for control and drama.  Recovery is a rough road, but people do get on it and stay on it, and if he's half the man he seems to be, he's smart enough to sort himself out.
 
December 4, 2006, 9:02 am CST

Only if there's children

I believe it takes more than most couples are willing to sacrafice to save a relationship after one person cheats.  I think most men believe that  life should continue on normally once they have cried and apologized a couple of times.  Normal meaning that they continue acting the way they always have ,and not being held accountable for there wherabouts or anything. Here lies the problem.  They think a week or two of "good" behavior should make us "get over it". When we are not they become frustrated , they can't understand, haven't they apologized? Said they were sorry? Stayed home and did what we wanted? God, what more do we want? Pretty soon they are saying THEY can't live like this, we have to trust them, THEY have said everything there is to say, time will tell, even stuff like , if you love something set it free , if it comes back to you its yours ,if it doesn't it never was. (Give me a break) So now the focus becomes on the wife, she is the one with the problem, she needs help, she's jealous for no reason, being unreasonable, pathetic really.  This is how the cheating man thinks, I believe a lot of times.( and the wife starts believing it too) . So how can things possibly get better without a tremendous amount of professional help? They need individual help before couple help. Personnally I have been cheated on and I never got over it. I think unconciously I would have made them pay for years.  Fortunetly for both we broke up. When I married , my husband and I agreed that if either of us ever wanted to be with someone else we would break up.  So 9 years later my husband left me for a woman he had dated before we met and she was the one who haunted my marraige. I always knew she still wanted him and although he said he did not have feelings for her I was always worried inside.(Womans Intuiton?!)  Afterwards, some of my friends would say, would you take him back if he showed up on your doorstep?  I said then and still say ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I knew I would not  have been able to forgive him. The anger and hurt and bitterness that was inside me for years would have been there, in the relationship as well,  and I KNOW I would have blamed him and we both would have been miserable.  So in hindsight he did me a favour by leaving.  It took me years to see him with clear eyes.  He cheats on the woman he left me for.  He is and was a manipulative, controlling verbally abusive man. I did not even see all that when we were together even though I was miserable, I thought it was me, I was the mess.  I was so brain washed so to speak.  So to finish, if there are children I agree with Dr. Phil when he has said on other shows that you need to earn your way out of the marraige, get all the councilling you can get for yourself.  Deal with your self esteem issues.  Why would we want to stay with someone like that anyway?  Because we think its all we deserve.  Which is crap, but it will take some work to get your confidence and voice.  I have remained single for 15 years because  I too find it hard to find someone that is not controlling.  It takes a good 3 months to see what the person is really like. I have learned to accept things I dont like about someone and not be so picky, however I will never accept being controlled, passive agressive behavior, verbal abuse, drug use period, alcohol abuse, or someone trying to manipulate me.  I did try to "fix" LOL  my last boyfriend, and that was a waste of time.  Three months getting to know each other.  Three months broken up , three months of fixing. LOL  That does not work either.  I do believe however that there are nice guys out there looking for a good woman who is independant and loyal and loving. A woman who wants a man to be himself and enjoy his own hobbies etc. A woman who will not put up with crap for one second.  Well I started out sad, I guess sad for those of you out there going through the trauma of being cheated on.  But now I am happy as I know I am so much better off and contented and peacful inside. 
 
December 4, 2006, 9:28 am CST

out of control husands

I believe once a cheater-always a cheater

 

I've been married to the same man for 8 years now, and from what I have read earlier it sounds like my life. Except where she said she has gotten divorced- I haven't. I believe my husband has anger issues. He is verbally abusive (even though he doesn't see it). He isn't physically abusive but somedays I wonder if he will lose control. I do fear for myself. We have 6 children (2 which aren't his) and he has never showed any signs of this angry behavior towards any of them. Its all aimed at me. Most of the time I do walk on eggshells or as he puts it I hide in my turtle shell. He gets mad at me because I don't know how to talk to him. I'm afraid any little thing will set him off. So by not talking to him I also cause trouble. I feel like a teenager who is constantly being criticized. My cleaning efforts or child rearing or it could be just about anything are never to his standards. Our children range in ages from 17 to almost 2 years old. So I haven't  worked much over this time frame. I do believe money does put stress on marriages and he feels that brunt of the relationship. He has worked almost solely by himself to support this family. So I try really hard to understand why he is angry sometimes. I can make up a million excuses for his behavior also. But there are times when I am tired of being called stupid or idiot or whatever other ugly word comes out of his mouth. The other thing I hate is when something happens its my fault. His car which I don't drive could get a flat tire and it would be my fault. Stuff like that really stresses me. I usually wait around to see what kind of mood he wakes up to before I try to tell him something or try to figure out how I should act in front of him.

There came a time here not too long ago where I thought of leaving him which made me so sad I couldn't think. But for once he did apologize which doesn't happen often. I'm not even sure where I am going with this- I just know that from reading on here so many emotions came out. You see- I am the oldest of 4 in my family. So all my younger siblings look up to me. No one knows what my life is like. And I guess what sucks most of all is that I can give out the advice; I just can't follow it for myself.  So I guess I can't really comment now.

I have watched Breaking Bonaduce and its really tough sometimes. (very emotional)

Danny I believe in you. Anyone can see that you do love Gretchen. Your addiction controls  you and once you change that I believe you can make things work.

 
December 4, 2006, 10:57 am CST

Lack of Faith

I have seen the "Breaking Bonaduce" realtiy show. I sympathize with both Danny and Gretchan, however there does not seem t o be much in regards to the beautiful children they share. I hope the show will touch on that and show how if you are lacking faith in a relationship, you need to share that too. Alcoholism and drugs are a disease and often seen as an excuse for bad behavior. I don't agree with that! One needs to dig to the core of the problem and own it before healing can begin. I truly hope this can help the people showcased and the ones who will be lead to see this show. Good work Dr. Phil, and keep doing God's work.
 
December 4, 2006, 11:43 am CST

out-of-control

I read the brief summary of the show about Danny B. and had to write I have been involved with someone for 4 1/2 years now and nothing has changed he keeps promising that he will stop and yet it continues.  He is addicted to drugs and Alcohol and I am a co-dependent and I am stepping away, I am not scared right now but when he gets released from a parole violation I am not sure what he will do.  I am not afraid he will hit me since I know I wil protect myself and my kids, they are not his children but my youngest thinks of him as a dad he is the only one he has ever known.  I know this is best for me and my kids now how do I stay strong.  I still love him but love is not enough.  He has not helped me financially in all our time together except a few illegally gained dollars which is no help at all.  I have done things for him that I would never have done in the past.  I need to leartn how to look for someone whole that doesn't need fixed I tend toward the bad boy image and they need help and of cource with my help they will be fixed.  I am too old for this and now choose to be alone with my kids so I can finish raising them without interference.  If anyone has any suggestions help please.  It is hard to give up on someone that you love.  I will watch this on thursday this week and maybe I will get some insite.
 
December 4, 2006, 1:21 pm CST

know how it feels

I know it is not right for a man to hit on a female.  I am engaged to a man that I have been with for many years.  Just in the last 2 years he has become a man that I don't always know anymore.  He does not beat on me, but sometimes he will smack me very hard and call me names.  I have told him those names hurt more than the hits do, because they really do.  He is currently in jail because I have put him there, even though we still talk, I know he can only be the person who can change himself.  I am getting counseling and I pray that GOD will help me make the right choices that I need to do.  But it is so hard to walk away because I love him so much and I know there is a good person inside there.  I am just always confused and I know I am not the only person out there that is going through this and I know there are people out there that know how I feel and have made their choices wether they be right or wrong.

May GOD grace pertect anyone and everyone at all times.

 
December 4, 2006, 2:13 pm CST

addiction = dishonesty

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have compromised my values, my vows, and my role in ,my family. I am not proud of my behavior, but I have been forgiven by my family and am regaining their trust daily.

I feel compelled to respond to out-of -control husbands because I am the wife, the mother,the woman who spent far too much time getting deeper into drinking because I could not forgive, and I could not trust.

Life happens and people make mistakes daily. My lack of forgiveness and trust kept my life from moving forward. If you are the partner of an out of control spouse, and you are still in love with them, trust and forgive and get on with the rest of your life. Negative feelings kill our human spirit and decency.

 
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