Topic : 12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

 you dont know fully what its like until you walk a day in another ones shoes. No one does...These guys are pros, cons. And if your feeling vulnerable bam your the victim. My goodness I'm glad Im not married to this person who posted this.

You said in your statement "I have personaly witnesses a man CHANGE" and HE is wonderful"

"HE really did make the effort to change".

"My sister left her husband for two years."

Why in this situation is it up to the Woman being abused to attempt to change?

Why is it she can not leave an abusive situation, without being supported and encouraged?

I do believe people can change, however, I also know that they can only change themselves, no one can do this for them. Even if this woman did go to counselling "if he refuses to go" it is not going to change his behavior.

I do encourage her to go to counselling, but not for the reasons presented, but rather for herself.

I don't understand your how you came to the conclusion that Dr.Phil would apply what you said to this woman.

Abuse in any shape and form is wrong, and from what I can tell from the woman's statements that she made, that she is more than ready to move on and try to make a positive, healthy, happy life for herself and her children, without her abuser.

Amen!

He has always seemed the immature type that loved ANY kind of attention, even negative attention. He has always reminded me of a middle school bully who won't control his anger and thrives on being in the spotlight.

The WOE IS ME story wore thin years ago. The WOE IS ME wife story is also wearing thin. The only WOE story that is perhaps genuine is the story the innocent children will be telling due to their immature, selfish parents.

Dr. Phil, I am surprised that you poo-poohed the "he/she pushes my buttons" comments of those who are abused.  Yes, we all agree that abuse is horrible, and the abused one(s) should get out of the situation as quickly as they can.  But - it cannot be denied that the "victim" always does know how to push the other one's buttons.  Both of my parents were abusers to each other and to us, their children.  (My mother an alcohol abuser and my father a verbal abuser).   I watched them for all the 60 years of their marriage push each others buttons, especially my mother.  As a psychologist, you know that the adult "victim" often goes from one abusing husband or boyfriend to another and another and remains far too long.  Even among children, a child who is abused in his or her birth home often ends up in a succession of  foster homes where they are again abused (far to often for this to be coincidence).

Does Dr Phil or anyone else care to comment?

I take no issue with the comments made about abusive men in relationships.  I have found all I've read to be true and much more.  The only thing that disturbs me is the rather convenient oversight on the part of many to point out that women are abusers as well.  While these situations are not as often physical, they are emotional and verbal abuse of the strongest kind.  I have yet to encounter the man who is as accomplished a verbal or emotional abuser as are some women.

I think we can all agree that abuse of any kind is wrong and should not be tolerated.  Let's just not define the problem in such limited terms.  Let's include all abused people.  I happens to men, women and children.  Let's just stop all of it if we can.

Yes, thank you very much. I continue to take a stand that there is only one person who gives permission to get beat on (verbal, physical, mental) by another and that is YOU. You have a choice: you can stay and continue to take the beating or you can leave the situation. Yeah, yeah. I know. Easier said than done. Bottom line, you don't have to be present when the beating begins. As Dr. Phil will say: "If you chose the behavior, you also chose the consequence that goes along with it.

This thing about the "pushing my buttons" approach. Please people, get real. These buttons that you all speak of is just imaginary. It's an illusion. If you think they are so real, well than snip them off. Use scissors, whatever it takes. Get rid of them. Better yet, don't wear clothes with buttons.

And, yeah, for many victims raised in an abusive home, they end up marrying an abuser. That seems to be a history that the victim, themselves, have created  and for what ever reason, they chose to not let go of that history. 

If you want to get beat up, it's your's and the abuser's business. If kids are involved and you still get beat up, it is no longer just your business.

the facts and statistics are ........the perpetrators are MEN........men who abuse , intensionally, systematically using POWER AND CONTROL in many arenas of the relationship.

It's a systematic pattern of intensional abuses to gain control, destroy and take down the partner, wife, girlfriend.

It's imperative that you educate yourself on the dynamics and facts about domestic abuse and violence.

Defining the problem is understanding the problem......understanding the problem is knowing the facts.

Unfortunately  the men of the world........are the perpetrators of Violence and Abuse against women and children.

While there are women who are abusive, with their mouths, emotionally and verbally......it is a different kind of abuse.    

It doesn't follow the patterns and systematic torture  as that of the males......against the women and the family, the children.   (with the exception of a lesbian relationship where abuse and violence are involved)

Its the women and children who are put out in the streets of this country.....because of Domestic Violence and Abuse.

It's the women and children who end up DEAD, MURDERED, AND KILLED BY THE HUSBANDS, BOYFRIENDS, AND PARTNERS.

Pick up your local newspapers, turn on the news..........begin with those reports.........I have a long list of good, great resource books if you would like to look into the subject further.   I'd be happy to post the resources and lists.

What are you doing in your community to stop the Violence, the Abuse of your neighbors, your friends, or family members.......It can and does happen to 1 out of 3 women.     Domestic Abuse happens on your street, your block.

Have you seen the Domestic Family Violence Stamp at your local post office......?     

I agree with you........"let's just stop all of it."

the facts and statistics are ........the perpetrators are MEN........men who abuse , intensionally, systematically using POWER AND CONTROL in many arenas of the relationship.

It's a systematic pattern of intensional abuses to gain control, destroy and take down the partner, wife, girlfriend.

It's imperative that you educate yourself on the dynamics and facts about domestic abuse and violence.

Defining the problem is understanding the problem......understanding the problem is knowing the facts.

Unfortunately  the men of the world........are the perpetrators of Violence and Abuse against women and children.

While there are women who are abusive, with their mouths, emotionally and verbally......it is a different kind of abuse.    

It doesn't follow the patterns and systematic torture  as that of the males......against the women and the family, the children.   (with the exception of a lesbian relationship where abuse and violence are involved)

Its the women and children who are put out in the streets of this country.....because of Domestic Violence and Abuse.

It's the women and children who end up DEAD, MURDERED, AND KILLED BY THE HUSBANDS, BOYFRIENDS, AND PARTNERS.

Pick up your local newspapers, turn on the news..........begin with those reports.........I have a long list of good, great resource books if you would like to look into the subject further.   I'd be happy to post the resources and lists.

What are you doing in your community to stop the Violence, the Abuse of your neighbors, your friends, or family members.......It can and does happen to 1 out of 3 women.     Domestic Abuse happens on your street, your block.

Have you seen the Domestic Family Violence Stamp at your local post office......?     

I agree with you........"let's just stop all of it."