Topic : 12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

I was in an abusive marriage many years ago, and I never have been involved with anyone remotely abusive since, so my "absurd" attitude works.

Once I truly took responsibility for my own life, then I was no longer a victim.  I was able to see that my own attitude was the part of the problem that I could control and change.  I faced MY fears about leaving, dying while trying to leave, money, social stigma, and so on.  I sought help, and the only type of advice that I got that wasn't genuinely helpful was the type that told me I was a victim and had no control over my life.  Now, to me, that's really scary.

There are no victims, only volunteers.  If I chose to buy into promises that were constantly broken, I am the one who was making that choice.  When I changed my choices, my life changed.  If I chose to believe him that I was the cause of his anger, then I was choosing to believe someone who clearly had a motive for telling me so. 

I'm personally alarmed by the knee-jerk reaction to anyone who suggests that adult women have a responsibility to themselves for their own lives.  I certainly wouldn't suggest that anyone who abuses another person has any valid reason to BLAME others.  That's ridiculous.  By the same token, however, a person who is abused must also take responsibility for his/her own choices.

I do agree with the poster who reminded everyone that children are truly victims.  I had assumed that was obvious from the initial post I was responding to that the topic was adult relationships.

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I was in the abusive relationship for 5 years and had a child.  I had no job, no money, no education, and not even a place to live when I left.  (There were no battered women's shelters in those days.)

I did have one big plus:  I left when I was 22 years old with energy galore!  Taking responsibility for my life was incredibly empowering, and I put it to work for me and my child.  I put myself through school....a gift of well-directed anger?  :)

Taking responsibility ALSO helped me really think out my next relationship, and I told my friend:  "I'm not yet the woman who would attract the man I want to be with."

As for lucky, yes, I'd agree.  The situation was very dangerous, and I'm lucky to be alive.  However, as I said, changing my attitude was the key to the door that opened up.  Luck is where opportunity meets willingness!

I think that Men who get their kicks by beating-up on woman and children, are nothing but COWARDS!   I think it's also something in their past that makes them think that it's the right thing to do, maybe that's how their father's treated their mother's and the cycle never ends.

Nevertheless, some serious counciling needs done.

Looking back, I can fully understand today that my ex-husband had been very abused himself as a child.  He had no skills at all for resolving disputes in a healthy way.

   danny, I too was abused ,but as you put it my mother must have really liked me. I was the one who was beaten to a bloody pulp all the time. I moved out  the age of 14yr. just couldn't take it any more. I don't turn to drinking i turn to food for my drunkiness. by the way I am a great cook ( Italian). so the next time your in illinois call me ok. will talk I will totally blow your mind with my life story . from sexually being abused by a step-father and brother to gettting beat on my 14th b-day with an elecyrical cord that to this day i still have scars on my back.

  hang in there danny. there always someone out in this world that has gone through more worse stuff than you. 

even though he can be a sob there is something so touching and wounded about danny he breaks my heart.i feel gretchen is going over board trying to punish him--she needs to either forgive him and let him back into her heart and bed or end it. by continually cold shouldering him and trying to distant herself  she is lowering him in her eyes,her children's eyes,and in his own feelings about himself.i know she is trying to protect herself from more pain by controlling her feelings but eventually she will have to either move on or move out.why prolong the agony???

You obviously know very little (if anything at all) about the mentality of alcoholics/addicts not so much on how it effects them but how it has devastating effect on the family, marriage, job. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing touching and wounded about Danny. With his long history of philandering, drinking and drugging he destroyed a relationship with his wife. Trust in Danny was completely shattered into thousands upon thousands of tiny pieces. The cold shoulder and distancing herself? Looking down at all those scattered pieces sure justifies Gretchen's fears and deeply seeded doubts about Danny's infidelities and his very short sobriety time. And, I mean very short sobriety time. FORGIVE HIM!!?? C'mon, get real. End the marriage? That would be my first advice but Gretchen loves Danny. I don't know why. It's none of my business and I hope it is not because of insecurities. I hope it is REAL  love. As much as I know, his sincerity in staying sober is still in question.

Gretchen is doing the right thing by protecting herself (and her daughters) and keeping her feelings in check. Seven month of sobriety is, without a doubt, not enough time to trust Danny. Keep a safe distant, Gretchen. Proceed with caution.