Quote From: mfz705I can identify totally with Maggie on the show right now.... My ex-boyfriend left me in May - after having an affair with my next door neighbor - he is now my neighbor. He is a raging alcoholic. She is as well - together, they are a horrible pair destined to be dead in a year and leave her children w/ no mother. He is the most wonderful person - sweet, kind, fun person who will do anything for you - when he's sober. When he drinks - you watch him pound beer after beer after beer - you can literally see him turn into a different person right before your eyes. When he reaches the threshold of when he should stop but has one more, the person then becomes a raging monster - nasty, horrible, miserable person who vomits and cries and plead forgiveness one minute then rages and calls you the most despicable names the next.
I can identify with Maggie because everything Michael said, Charlie said. I "pushed his buttons as only I can" (a statement he's said to every g/f and his ex wife), he's an admitted alcoholic "and you know that and should understand" (aka, excuse my behavior), within the last several years, he was so verbally and mentally abusive, I didn't recognize it any longer. Now that he's been gone 7 months, I realize what a horrible existence I allowed to become normal. It was not normal. He destroyed his family - he's destroyed every relationship he's ever been in. In addition to being an alcoholic, he's a deceptive, lying, cheating, thieving, con-artist.
I knew him a couple of years before being involved with him - he was sober. He made that decision after he lost his family. His eldest daughter was old enough to remember her daddy saying I'm either going to drink myself to death or get my act together (she was 10 at the time) - he chose sobriety and stayed sober for over 10 years. When we got together, he did not drink which was great - I'm not a big drinker and can find an awful lot of things to do besides going to a bar - and yes, I'm a fun person even though I don't get stupid drunk. About a year and a half into the relationship, we attended a 40th b/d party for a good friend of his who insisted he have a beer - I saw the change after 1/2 a glass and so did he. He stopped and he had nothing more to drink until pressures mounted in his world. A beer here, there, turned into a 6 pack here there turned into a 30 pack in a weekend. He and the new girlfriend go through a 30 pack just about every night.
I do not have to imagine what Eternal Hell will be like - I lived it the last year of my relationship with him. The horrid names (those Maggie mentioned were commonplace - the "C" word was his pet name for me), the mental and verbal abuse (I have a college degree, have a great job - he has a high school education, is a laborer and calls me stupid F'g moron), the breaking of precious momentos I held dear, the threats of physical abuse, the witnessing of him beating his dog. In addition to suffering as I did - I loved him, the more I loved him, the worse things got. I used to be a strong, no nonsense, no BS taking kind of gal. Now, I'm a beaten down mentally drained person who allows people to walk all over me. I realize he did this to me - I allowed it to happen and he ran with it. I'm a nurturer by nature and my personality enabled him to do the things he did to me and others. I excused his behavior, I helped him when he got sick from drinking so much, I did everything for him - and worse, I allowed him to manipulate my finances - I am now stuck with over $85,000 of HIS debt and there is not a thing I can do about it because it was on credit cards.
Even worse, I see the same thing happening with the new g/f - he's conned her into buying a new motorcycle (newer than the one I bought and had to have repossessed), conned her into basically supporting him while he goes out with the boys and cheats and lies to her as he's done to me and countless others, she pays for everything, he pays for nothing. He has a history (which I found out way too late), of using women, getting us to buy the most unbelievable material possessions, and when he realizes the gravy train is over - he destroys the material things, starts his hunt for the new conquest (because he doens't leave the current g/f until he's secured a new one) and then leaves the current g/f with all the bills, the repairs, the destroyed life, the anguish - while he goes onto the new g/f having played up to her how awful the old one was, etc. - garnering even bigger, better, faster, more expensive material things - and the pattern starts all over again.
All this from stems from a raging functional alcoholic who sees nothing wrong with his life, lifestyle - that the ex is the one who stifles his independence, freedom, isn't fun anymore, doesn't know how to party, etc. - that's what he tells the potential new g/f's - and the stories are so believable, you feel sorry for how he was "wronged", and you sit with him and have a beer or so, and the stories get taller and taller...... He needs to grow up , take responsibility and be a parent to the 4 children (and 3 granchildren) he's lost.... but that will never happen.... the pattern continues and unfortunately, because of the financial mess he left me with, I cannot move and I need to see this every day as they live next door. Its a constant scenario of him and her laughing at me, picking on the way I do things and how I do them and how I can't function w/o him, etc. I hear all the time how I'm such a prude, I'm a jerk, I'm cold, etc. - just because I don't drink a lot.
I hate to tell him, but he lost the best thing he ever had - his family knows it, his friends know it, but he just ignores them instead for the 10 year older woman who has a drug addict daughter and a mildly retarded daughter. They smoke and drink with the drug addict (she's 14), he's been arrested for a DUI (he's a CDL license holder), he's managed to talk his way out of the penalty - how I do not know as his BAC was .16.... His brother afflicted with the same problem should have 7 DUI convictions - but his lawyer got him off of technicalities and he has 2 on record - and they continue to drink. The holiday season is here and it will be even worse. I remember last Christmas - he vomited 4 times on a 20 minute drive home because he drank so much.... but I just don't know how to have fun.
Out of control - yes, he's definitely out of control And had this been 7 months ago, I would have taken him back in a heart beat because I loved him so much - I still care deeply for him - but the person he was, not who he is now - the person he probably was all along, but masked it for 10 years. He is on a self destructive path starting with the alcohol and spicing it up with his lies, deceptions, debauchery, con artistry - among many other things.
Anyone who lives with an alcoholic, please encourage them to seek help or get out. I endured 7 years of hell and I'm just beginning to get back to the person I was and look back and think to myself - what happened to me that I allowed that to happen to me? He doens't want help - he wants to live the life of an alcoholic - the partier, the fun guy, the man with no responsibility. I want a life with someone who loves me, cherishes me, wouldn't dare condescend me or call me the most horrid names - unfortunately, he's destroyed just about any trust I have toward men, and pretty much sealed the fate to never let another man get close to me enough that I love and trust them like I did him. What I see and live with every day is 7 years of my life wasted - wasted because I could have had someone who loved me enough that we would have married and had children. I'll never have the gift of children because I wasted my love on someone who just wants to be wasted.
I know how that feels, that you have wasted years of your life. But you made the first step in leaving. Now make the most important. Find out what YOU want in life and follow that. I don't know how to help you, I wish I did. It hurts me and makes me sad to see so many women, from all levels of society...those poor to those rich..who have been in the same situation. We have been controlled because our personality is giving and caring. Many guys either consciously or maybe subconsciously are drawn to us. I think my problems came about because of lack of self confidence and low self esteem, plus back in the "old days" women were expected to make it work. I know I am not stupid but I stayed for 31 years. By the time I realized that he deep love and concern for me were actually forms of control, I was living a life of hell. The first time he pitched a fit, it scared me to death. I started to leave and he a wire from under the hood of my car and it wouldn't start. I started to walk to my grandparents who lived within a mile. He told me if I left he would go to the woods and shoot himself. Right then I should have left. We had only been married a few weeks. I should have called his bluff but I didn't. The horrible thing about it is that every time he pitched his fits and I made up to make life peaceful, I always had to prove that I wasn't mad by allowing him to make love to me. Many times I cried bitterly because I felt so used. I truly felt like I was lower than a woman who would sell her body because in a sense that is what I had done. Allowed myself to be used. But my price was not money...it was peace. I was a sunday school teacher and was supposed to teach the children. He hid my shoes so I couldn't go to church and when I found another pair and tried to sneak out, he told me if I went to not come back. By then I was pregnant with our first son. I couldn't go back home to my parents. My dad says now that if he had known half of what all was going on that he would have come after me. But of course in the 70's it would have been a shame for me to have left him. Down through the years I tried to keep peace. The kids were always worried and tense when he came home. They would hear him coming home and it seemed a pall came over our home. We never knew if he would be in a bad mood and there would be screaming and yelling over any little thing. Once he smacked our son in the face for yelling over his birthday balloons. I told him I would call Child Services if he ever hit him in the face again. He asked me one time if I would allow his parents to adopt our two sons so we could get a "check" for them. I told him that they were the only things in this life that were mine and he better never ask again. The FBI came to our home, first because of a stolen vehicle that he and his business partner bought. He nearly went to the penitentary for that. Later they came to investigate him because of a bogus coal operation involving lawyers representing their clients in Germany. I cannot say life was ever boring. I turned to religion again. He threatened to come and shoot the windows out of the church if I didn't come home on time. He accused me of the preacher. I gave up my religious convictions because I could not handle any more. Then we had this new life. We stayed at the lake on weekends. I enjoyed some of it but of course that was short lived. He would drink every weekend and did all sorts of things that totally humiliated me. Once he was drinking and in front of all our friends he grabbed two of the ladies toes and sucked them. He once pulled one of our women friends down on his lap and kissed her in front of all our friends...then one night he was drunk and stripped and danced naked with a woman. That was the end of it all. I had planned for a long time that I would leave...I had left 3 times before and came back. This time I planned it ahead and I got me a place to live, had it all ready.....my furniture was two folding chairs, a small wooden kitchen cabinet my father had given me and a wicker rocker. I took half the dishes and pans and towels. I left all the other furniture except my computer and stereo. In other words, I did not rip him off. The funny part is all the people who saw how he acted and encouraged me to leave...including his sister, they were angry at me....because this man did his usual temper tantrum...but they felt it was his grief...my gosh he should have won an oscar for his performance. He banged his head on the floor till he bled, laid an empty valium bottle nearby(he did not take them}, broke our picture on the floor near him...called our sons and told them he couldn't live or some bs. rushed there of course they thought poor Dad had went off the deep end....he had always been off the deep end...and he didn't need liquour to encourage it...he was a selfish individual. He didn't care that they were worried sick. He wanted sympathy. Even my best friend felt sorry for him....I lost her friendship too. But the boys understood and that is what matters...my sons. My best friend was not my friend at all. I hadn't told him where I was, afraid of his wrath. She felt sorry for him and told him. It has been a long road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, for me there was....for you there is. Hang in there and make yourself happy for awhile...get used to that...it is great. Find out who you are and revel in it. The first thing is to forgive yourself for allowing him to take those seven years, then don't waste the rest of them by giving them to him as well. Sending you hugs...we are need some...Take care and be strong.
A marriage vow says, “’Til death do us part.” But what if your husband’s behavior is so outrageous, you fear he’ll end up in an early grave? Dr. Phil’s first guest, Danny Bonaduce, was a child star on the ’70s hit show The Partridge Family, but now he’s infamous for his bad behavior. Danny has been arrested for drug possession, has been in rehab three times and has cheated on his wife, Gretchen. The couple showcases their struggle with his addictions on the VH1 show Breaking Bonaduce. Danny says he’s finally sober, but Gretchen says she can’t stop being suspicious of his every move. Is it too soon for her to trust him? Then, Maggie says she can’t deal with her fiancé, Michael’s, chaotic behavior. Michael admits that he’s verbally abusive to his wife-to-be, even in front of their young daughter, but says he wants to stop. Maggie moved halfway across the country and took their child without telling him. Can Michael get his family back, or has he lashed out one time too many? Share your thoughts here.
