Topic : 12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

This may not be as realistic as others but I have a husband that makes sure to call me stupid and dumb in front of my children and I ask why and what makes him think he can call me that

he says or claims he has the right.  And when I do not question him about it he thinks he is in

the right.  When   I do question him he just says just drop it you do not know what you are talking

about and when I can confide in someone they try to reassure me that I am not these things it is

not always helpful because he had already said it and now I think it is true.  What else am I to think if someone that is suppose to love me calls me this?  I am now divorcing him because I

can not do this anymore and my confidont has asked me if i could/would change my mind about

the divorce for the sake of the children and my answer  is still no I will not change my mind. Am I wrong? After dealing with this for the last 10 years?

you know what I married someone that did not do this but now after 16 years does not know how not to do this.  I do wish you the best and for my sake and yours I married mine and and have 2 children and this is a harder situation to walk away from than just a boy-friend.  Wish you all the

best and luck there is true love out there somewhere you will see.  Wish you all the luck in the world.

I totally agree if you are with someone and they are just angry you should not stay.  I come home with my children daily with their father in the home and going through a divorce and he has no problem with it he still hollars about what is not done in the house and how things should be done. He is the one moving out after the Holidays and still does not respect anything about how

I should run the house.  How is a person to deal with this?  I got tired of the eggshells and still have to walk on them whats up with that?

I can't recommend what Gretchen should do about her husbands behavior.  Three stints in Rehab sound to me like somebody who wants to give the appearance of wanting to change, and may consider the idea a possibility, but the sincerity is missing.

I have had to deal with my husbands extramarital affairs.  When I finally realized a couple of important things (#1 I COULD survive without him and be happier and #2 he was not  going to change unless I drew a real clear, real strong line in the sand) we then were able to start fixing things.  Infidelity hurts - and in my case, just about made me lose myself - I felt crazy (this was not a one time thing and was not ever a one-night-stand for him; he was out looking for other people to validate him and approve of him, and as a result had some rather superficial, but none the less serious relationships.)  About a dozen sessions of marriage counseling and then a year and a half of psychotherapy for him, followed by some therapy sessions with our children, have gotten us to a place we never were; there is mutual respect, mutual appreciation, and he's the person I thought I saw when we got married. 

I hope anyone in a relationship that hurts can step back and evaluate it - realistically.  Is this what you thought you're life would be?  Do you deserve to have to deal with all of the crap in your life?  If you do, then change yourself.  If you don't, then make some demands of people in your life who are making you miserable.

this so sad when a husband is in the right way of their wife's life wich can't be so fair wont let this happen why because once you do it's hard to get this to stop till the husband get's help since he is in control he thinks he the way it is   yes it did happen to me in the past & guess what? had to leave because it get to bad cant wear my own clothes&  makeup & own anythign  my ex was in the control & it ruins your life know it's so hard to leave but had to do this kind  of things quick one!!!!!!!! know it's hard when you love the man but why would any wife or  woman live like this? ok it's reallly  is so hurful and hard to deal with? been there & so hurtful had a really two bad breakdowns so learn the really hard way  should got out but got sick !!!!!!!!! the only thing to say is never let anyone or anything hurt your life if anything just dont open the door keep it shut & run out of the reasonships love yourself & your life ok belive me it happen to me really hardly ok your the boss of your world & your life ok saying this becaus care for all the lady's who been hurt or in a cntroling reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hugs with care Ginger

OK I do not now where I have been but the last time I saw Danny and his wife Gretchen they were doing so wonderful.  He was on the show The other Side or something like that with two other guys and it was a talk show and I really enjoyed getting the male perspective on issues.  Gretchen was doing palate's and I really believed they had one of the best love stories I had ever known.  I remember she said that in the beginning she would lay behind his car so he couldn't go get drugs.  I also remember thinking if that made him stop, because there is only one person that can change who you are and that is yourself  (OK maybe Dr Phil can take some credit for some people) I still think they both turned into beautiful people. (I saw the wedding nite picture)  lol I do not think, I want to know any different.  Anyway Danny and Gretchen I hope you have the power to make it back to the perfect little world I believed you had..  I wish you the very best of luck and God bless you both and your kiddles.

 

I think that you should first and fore most find out why you still cling to a man that you put in jail for hitting you. I don't think that that is love, if you truely believe that it is then you need to find yourself first and then worry about a partner for life. I do believe in god as well but it sounds like you are relting on him to fix your problems- He is there in the good and the bad- weather it is good or not sometimes relys on your decisions not his. Love your self first and by all means don't talk to him- under any circumstances, while you are trying to find your self. Sometimes you have to distance yourself from people and things to see the true you. It doensn't sound like you love yourself enough to give yourself to be you first then be a partner. I have had a partner hit me and I put up with it for 6 years- it was hard believe me- he would come to my house- I called the police and ask them to remove him from my residence- then he started to break into my house while I was gone and would be there when I got home, I used my head- made him mad and the first chance I got ran to the door- got into my car and went to the police station and filed a report- he finally got the picture and I found out what a strong person that I was and have moved on and have been happily married to another man for 10 years- that never ever hit me- That was the first thing that I told him on our first date- If you ever raise your hand to me I will hunt you down and you will wish that you never met me. Need less to say- we apparently had more dates and he respected me for respecting myself. Think about it! I wish you luck.

Infidelity can feel like the most tragic thing that happens in a person's life. I know because it happened to me.

 

When trust like this is broken, it has to be earned back. And this will take time......as many as 2 years or more.

 

So unless this has happened to you, it will be hard to truly relate.

Mike

 

 

I am a divorced for a 2nd time single mom,, and here is my story,,

I met my 2nd husband 3 years after my 1st divorce,, this man was everything my 1st husband wasn't,, a good provider, helped around the house and the love of my life. Unfortunately he was a Dr Jeckle, Mr Hyde personality and it didn't show until after we were married. I had heard stories of this mans violent behaviour but hadn't experienced it until one day when "my kids" didnt fold our laundry. He threw a laundry basket at my oldest child, he called her names I cant even repeat, and then threatened to kill me if I divorced him. Well, I went and got a restraining order, filed divorce papers, and this past July he contacted me saying he was so sorry and how he messed up and loves me,, blah blah blah. Well, guess what I gave him a second chance with just me and it wasn't too long he was back to verbally abusing me, everything was my fault and my kdis fault and he wasn't too blame for anything that had happened. Well, he is now totally out of the picture and I've moved on with my life with my 3 kids and learned a lesson, when someone tells you about a persons past you need to consider this when making a big decision such as marriage. I finally figured out that this man wasnt about being in love w/me he wanted to "control" me and unfortunately he says he forgave me for giving up on our marriage but in the end his "actions" spoke louder and opposite of his words. I feel sorry for him and I hope that some other poor,naive person sees him for who he is before they get involved w/him. I can honestly say it wasn't me because all his previous relationships ended the same exact way. A year later I am a stronger person, smarter person, and my kids are my world and no one deserves to be verbally abused. So many people say well he didnt physically abuse you, he came close but didn't hit you,,, well let me tell you, I think words hurt more than a fist and broken promises remind you that nothing will change,, I was promised the moon again, no actions, meaning no counseling I was the one w/the problem me and my kids, not him he wasn't to blame.  

I feel like im babbling so I"ll end it here but my lesson is "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

It has been 20 years since I divorced an abusive husband and I can look back and see what misquided thoughts made me put up with it for 5 years.  First, I thought that he would change.  He never did.  After I divorced him, he remarried and threw a portable TV at his wife and broke her collarbone.  I saw her once in public with 2 black eyes.  Second, I waited for him to change because I thought that was what good wives do.  Now I know it's only stupid wives that wait for them to change.  Finally, I did not want to give up what I thought was security since I it was my second marriage, I had kids, a new home and after all, he was a hard worker.  After a while, I knew that I could live anywhere as long as I had safety and peace.

     Ladies, I'm telling you that if you live with any kind of abuse, you need to run and not look back.  Don't waste your life waiting for them to change. You will get old and wasted before they do, I guarantee it.  If you believe that you deserve better, you will get it and not until then.  I know.  Today I am a successful woman and I am enjoying a full life.  I knew that I deserved better treatment then I was getting and I will never let anyone mistreat me again.  There is a saying that goes, " Better to be alone than in bad company".   I promise you that if you love yourself, you will not be alone.  The bible tells us that we must give up what we cannot keep in order to gain what we cannot afford to lose.  Think about it.