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Topic : 12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

Number of Replies: 245
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, December 01, 2006, 03:25:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
A marriage vow says, “’Til death do us part.” But what if your husband’s behavior is so outrageous, you fear he’ll end up in an early grave? Dr. Phil’s first guest, Danny Bonaduce, was a child star on the ’70s hit show The Partridge Family, but now he’s infamous for his bad behavior. Danny has been arrested for drug possession, has been in rehab three times and has cheated on his wife, Gretchen. The couple showcases their struggle with his addictions on the VH1 show Breaking Bonaduce. Danny says he’s finally sober, but Gretchen says she can’t stop being suspicious of his every move. Is it too soon for her to trust him? Then, Maggie says she can’t deal with her fiancé, Michael’s, chaotic behavior. Michael admits that he’s verbally abusive to his wife-to-be, even in front of their young daughter, but says he wants to stop. Maggie moved halfway across the country and took their child without telling him. Can Michael get his family back, or has he lashed out one time too many?  Share your thoughts here.

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December 5, 2006, 8:53 pm CST

Like Most "Run and don't look back"

 
December 5, 2006, 9:05 pm CST

Run and don't look back

Like most of the responses here, I married an abusive man. I was with him for 7 years of hell. But he was just like my Dad and brother. I literally didn't know better. I divorced my husband, but can't divorce my Dad. It is very hard for me to have much interaction with him. With my Mom dead, and him in a "home", I struggle to visit him.  I feel guilty about not visiting very often,  and  am pretty sure that my inheritance gets slimmer by the day. The abused feeling never really goes away. Oh and that brother, he lives in Houston, and I live in North Carolina. I don't see or hear from him very often, which suits me well. Whenever we're together he doesn't miss an opportunity to put me down. I am sure glad he's a long way away

Now I have a really sweet guy.Life is too short to put up with this stuff.

 
December 5, 2006, 9:37 pm CST

wow i loved that show

and i must say that it was a shock to me to hear about Danny, but if i were a woman and feared my husband was  going to end up in a early grave, hell fire i would make sure all the insurance policy's were paid up to date, cant change someone who does not want to change, party on garth party on wayne!
 
December 5, 2006, 11:20 pm CST

drugs, alcoholism and cheating

 I think drugs and alcoholism is a real problem in this country and is ruining families across the
country.   with that addiction anything can happen like cheating financial problem and abuse.
I think the answer could be to have a understanding to how your family is suffering because of
this terrible evil stuff.  That can make a monster out of you, has to be stopped somehow and
reformed to you the real person inside is.  May the lord be with you and guide you away from
this temptation that only leads to distruction to you and yours.
Sincerely Yours.
cynderallamom
 
December 6, 2006, 9:32 am CST

The real problem is within you!!

Quote From: cynderalla

 I think drugs and alcoholism is a real problem in this country and is ruining families across the
country.   with that addiction anything can happen like cheating financial problem and abuse.
I think the answer could be to have a understanding to how your family is suffering because of
this terrible evil stuff.  That can make a monster out of you, has to be stopped somehow and
reformed to you the real person inside is.  May the lord be with you and guide you away from
this temptation that only leads to distruction to you and yours.
Sincerely Yours.
cynderallamom

I disagree with you, so pardon me. It is not the drugs and it is not the alcohol that is the real problem. It is, and always will be, the individual who consumes them. It is people who makes drinking and druggin a problem. Sure, drinking and drugging can lead to serious problems like addiction and alcoholism; like fatalities; family problems, law enforcement, court involvement; loss of job; just to name a few among many. But, an individual can chose to stop at anytime, and I mean at anytime. Sometimes it comes quickly and sometimes it comes slowly. It's up to the individual on how bad he wants to stop and stay stopped.

 

GOD can only lend guidance, strength and support in recovery (if you ask for it), but it is the individual who must do all the work. GOD is not going to do it for the individual.

 

From an alcoholic.....

 
December 6, 2006, 12:51 pm CST

12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

Quote From: losinend

I disagree with you, so pardon me. It is not the drugs and it is not the alcohol that is the real problem. It is, and always will be, the individual who consumes them. It is people who makes drinking and druggin a problem. Sure, drinking and drugging can lead to serious problems like addiction and alcoholism; like fatalities; family problems, law enforcement, court involvement; loss of job; just to name a few among many. But, an individual can chose to stop at anytime, and I mean at anytime. Sometimes it comes quickly and sometimes it comes slowly. It's up to the individual on how bad he wants to stop and stay stopped.

 

GOD can only lend guidance, strength and support in recovery (if you ask for it), but it is the individual who must do all the work. GOD is not going to do it for the individual.

 

From an alcoholic.....

I'm going to have to disagree with you. It is not only the people who choose. I don't care if you are an alcohalic. People have different types of alcohalism. For 16 years I watched my father stuggle with alcohal. I agree that it leads to all these problems, but I disagree that they can choose the stop at anytime. My father tried to stop. He lost his wife, his job, and his license. My father had seizures after three days without alcohal even on medication. So no not all alcohalics can choose to stop drinking. Alcohalism is a very serious medical condition. Not an easy one to drop. I lost my father this year in April to suicide due to this problem. I am a 17 year old young girl without a father due to alcohalism.. It is hard to get support when you are an alcohalic.
 
December 6, 2006, 2:26 pm CST

addiction

Quote From: lcmorgan08

I'm going to have to disagree with you. It is not only the people who choose. I don't care if you are an alcohalic. People have different types of alcohalism. For 16 years I watched my father stuggle with alcohal. I agree that it leads to all these problems, but I disagree that they can choose the stop at anytime. My father tried to stop. He lost his wife, his job, and his license. My father had seizures after three days without alcohal even on medication. So no not all alcohalics can choose to stop drinking. Alcohalism is a very serious medical condition. Not an easy one to drop. I lost my father this year in April to suicide due to this problem. I am a 17 year old young girl without a father due to alcohalism.. It is hard to get support when you are an alcohalic.

I agree that one cannot simply quit an addiction...nice thought, but just doesn't happen.

 

I am so sorry that you lost your dad.  I hope you will do everything in your power to not end up like him...stay completely away from the drugs and alcohol.  I know you are hurting, but talking with somebody will help a lot more than substance abuse.

 

Good luck

 
December 6, 2006, 5:13 pm CST

Maybe your dad did not die in vain

Quote From: lcmorgan08

I'm going to have to disagree with you. It is not only the people who choose. I don't care if you are an alcohalic. People have different types of alcohalism. For 16 years I watched my father stuggle with alcohal. I agree that it leads to all these problems, but I disagree that they can choose the stop at anytime. My father tried to stop. He lost his wife, his job, and his license. My father had seizures after three days without alcohal even on medication. So no not all alcohalics can choose to stop drinking. Alcohalism is a very serious medical condition. Not an easy one to drop. I lost my father this year in April to suicide due to this problem. I am a 17 year old young girl without a father due to alcohalism.. It is hard to get support when you are an alcohalic.

You have my deepest condolescence, young lady. I don't have to tell you that this is a very devastating time for you. I did not mean to sound insensitive on my first post. Please, forgive me.

 

You do not say whether your father had been involved in any support group at any time during his 16 years of drinking. Nor, do you say if you or any family member had ever been involved in a support group.

 

I just want to clarify something that you probably took the wrong way. Maybe it'll shed some light for you and maybe it'll ease some of that emotional pain you've got to be enduring. I am a social worker and specialize in working with young people (runaway program and foster care). Well, I use to. I'm also a substitute teacher. I love being in the classroom setting, but I gave that up also.

 

I got involved with Alcoholics Anonymous 39 month ago after 2 drunk driving incidents within 18 month apart. I drank for over 5 decades until I finally got caught. I didn't know I was an alcoholic until I got involved with A.A. I, like your father, "gave away" a lot of things, job, driver's license. That's right, I gave it away, my house, my car. There were fines to pay, probation, substance abuse classes. There was shame, humiliation, and a sense of failure that I felt. I was angry and very resentful. I didn't lose my wife, however. She died in 1996 from a progressive fatal disease. I drank very heavily after that. I was so blind by my drinking that I didn't even know that my 22 year old son was heavily into cocaine!

 

Drinking can be a very powerful substance and can very well play on a person's mind and can mentally blind you. If you let it. But, I'd reached a decision that I was not gonna let this booze thing get to me anymore. I didn't know it at the time but GOD lead me to Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know what? A.A. got me very close to GOD. No joking! GOD give me strength, guidance and support through prayer. It can work for you also.

 

They say that alcoholism is also a "family" disease and you were greatly affected by it. It is not difficult to get support when you are an alcoholic. Please, believe me. In fact, it is not hard for a family member to get help and that is through Al-anon and Al-anon for teens. You are dealing with the recent suicide of your alcoholic father which, as you already know, only deepens and compounds the pain.

 

I strongly urge you to get yourself involved in a support group, be it Al-anon or a support group for survivors of suicide victim or both. I know you probably won't believe what I'm gonna say,  but you have a very profound story to share that other people need to hear. You can teach others, especially young people, by your own actual experience. It is easy to speak from the heart. This can be a healing process for you. You, like all other A.A. members and al-anon members, must learn to live your life "One Day At  A Time".  It does work!

 

They also say that GOD has a plan for all of us. What you have gone through in your young life just might be your calling from GOD! If that is so, than maybe the tragic death of your father will not have been in vain.

 

Once again, you have my sympathy. I will pray for you. Let me know how it turns out. Please?

 
December 6, 2006, 7:05 pm CST

In Control Ex-Husband

    Something I always used to say when I went to AA is," There is good & bad news about being in AA. The good news is, you gotta grow up. The bad news is, you gotta grow up." And when it comes to both, Danny & Gretchen, I know both sides very well.

   One of the things that struck me as wrong in the last episode I saw was, Danny & his son, playing with the copying machine and it was kind of lewd I thought of what they were doing with it. And it also seemed like, Grecthen, was caving in to letting him back into the house way to soon. I made this mistake a couple of times and it has now been nearly 4 years ago that I decided that my kids & I needed to have a safer, healthier, & happier life. And that is where, Grecthen, should be focusing, as I have seen her try at. For she is just as much a part of his addictions as the rest of rationalizations. I know this from experience also. Danny, is very busy trying to "paint his own picture" & make everybody believe that once it is finished his way everything is going to be OK…,Wrong!!!!

   I feel so bad for the young lady who lost her father. In my life I have lost many friends because of their bad decisions with drugs & drinking. And trying to live with the mother of my children became one living hell for all of us and today I am a very good and happy single Father w/ amazing kids. So this scenario of the abusive, drug & alcoholic husband is only ½ the picture when it comes right down to it. Even some of the statistics about this problem are not current or that factual. For I have been hit, pushed over (with severe injuries as a result) ,emotionally & verbally assaulted in front of our kids which didn’t end after she walked out. I was dumb enough to except her back after her cheating on several occasions, and tried to forgive her for stealing from the family bank account and always spending beyond our means. So for everything that any women has said here about a man, it is not only me, but thousands if not millions of men who can say the same story around the word. All we have to do is replace he, him, & such, with she, her, & female. There are many out of control wives, spouses, & girlfriends out there that go unnoticed for variable reasons I won’t go into here. Yet it always seems less talked about here or most anyplace else about how women do the same exact things and they are welcomed to turn themselves into victims where the man is not allowed to.

   Danny, should be held accountable FOR HIS ACTIONS. Danny, should also be given a lot of time to be on his own even if he doesn’t like it. But most of all, he should get the most intence therapy as is humanly possible because most of his problems do not come from recent events as was said somewhere before. Just think? Maybe, Danny, got this way because his mother beat him or from having sex when he was so very young a child star with older, legal age women. Yet if it were the other way around, that would be called rape, wouldn’t it?

 
December 6, 2006, 8:21 pm CST

Doing good.

From where Danny Bonaduce came from in his childhood, to beat all the demons that he had I think that he is doing GREAT.  As for his wife it will take awhile for her to get to that place of trust for him.  Just hang in there and all will work out, don't get to discourged and fall back into that "demon" place.  I am 20 years clean and there was times when yeah I could of slipped back thinking it wasn't worth it cause it seemed like no one cared, when in reality they cared and loved me very much, they just didn't want to get caught up in the crap again and they wanted to see what was going to happen.....hang in there Danny Bonaduce and life is going to get easier, the wounds will heal, and your wife will be at your side....stronger than ever. 
 
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