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Topic : 12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

Number of Replies: 245
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, December 01, 2006, 03:25:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
A marriage vow says, “’Til death do us part.” But what if your husband’s behavior is so outrageous, you fear he’ll end up in an early grave? Dr. Phil’s first guest, Danny Bonaduce, was a child star on the ’70s hit show The Partridge Family, but now he’s infamous for his bad behavior. Danny has been arrested for drug possession, has been in rehab three times and has cheated on his wife, Gretchen. The couple showcases their struggle with his addictions on the VH1 show Breaking Bonaduce. Danny says he’s finally sober, but Gretchen says she can’t stop being suspicious of his every move. Is it too soon for her to trust him? Then, Maggie says she can’t deal with her fiancé, Michael’s, chaotic behavior. Michael admits that he’s verbally abusive to his wife-to-be, even in front of their young daughter, but says he wants to stop. Maggie moved halfway across the country and took their child without telling him. Can Michael get his family back, or has he lashed out one time too many?  Share your thoughts here.

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December 7, 2006, 10:01 am CST

Danny

I loved watching Danny and Gretchen.  I have been in Gretchen's shoes and it is very hurtful.  I think that Danny is really trying and is a great father.  I wish them the best. 
 
December 7, 2006, 10:55 am CST

it starts with hurtful "words"...

 Maggie, if you are not yet married to a man that is verbally abusive,  or abusive, HOORAY FOR LEAVING NOW!!!!  It always starts with hurtful " words".  Then esculates to a push, a slap, then hitting, then much more violence.  And, your baby watches, learns, and fears, or becomes that person. A parents hands are for loving, not hitting !

I have seen, and experienced !! I know of women that have had papers to keep their abusive  partners away, one was even stabbed to death with baby in arms, IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE FAMILY VIOLENCE CENTER, just across the street from the sheriff's office.  This is true and happened a couple year's ago, locally.

YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE WORTH MORE !

Always ask yourself,  "What advice would you give your best friend in this situation"?  Take that advice.. 

 
December 7, 2006, 7:38 pm CST

You are absolutely RIGHT

Quote From: cati2d

This may not be as realistic as others but I have a husband that makes sure to call me stupid and dumb in front of my children and I ask why and what makes him think he can call me that

he says or claims he has the right.  And when I do not question him about it he thinks he is in

the right.  When   I do question him he just says just drop it you do not know what you are talking

about and when I can confide in someone they try to reassure me that I am not these things it is

not always helpful because he had already said it and now I think it is true.  What else am I to think if someone that is suppose to love me calls me this?  I am now divorcing him because I

can not do this anymore and my confidont has asked me if i could/would change my mind about

the divorce for the sake of the children and my answer  is still no I will not change my mind. Am I wrong? After dealing with this for the last 10 years?

No one should have to put up  with constant put downs and name calling.  This is just his way of boosting his ego. You are not anything of the things he says, You are a good woman, and do not need his brand of "love"  Your children should not be subjected to his bad behavior. They may unfortunately think this is the right way for men and women to interact, and mimic this behavior.
 
December 8, 2006, 12:45 am CST

Violent Relationships

Maggie

 

My father was a violent alcoholic and passed away when i was very young. My stepfather also  turned out to be a violent alcoholic. When i found myself in a violent relationship at the age of 16, i had no clue what to do. I was terrified of ending up like my mother, but on the other hand, he had threatened to take his own life and harm my family and myself. After two months of mental and physical abuse, i found the strength to end it. It wasnt easy - he bragged to schoolmates about how he was goingto kill me by slicing me up with a knife he kept in his school bag (yes, the principal did find a very large chef's knife in his bag  ont eh day the police contacted them). But i kept my courage, and with the support of family and friends, made the break and had him prosecuted. I was ostracized from those who i had considered friends at school and spent almost my entire senior year on my own.

 

After I left school, I found out that he had beaten his pregnant girlfriend and possibly harmed their baby. I felt sorry for her, but she was one of those who had caused me grief at school and said i was making it all up.

 

Sorry this is a bit rambling, but the point of it is - you need to protect yourself and your children no matter what the cost to you. You may wonder how you will manage, but isnt that better than being dead?

 
December 8, 2006, 5:57 am CST

Thank you

Quote From: november2006

I think that you should first and fore most find out why you still cling to a man that you put in jail for hitting you. I don't think that that is love, if you truely believe that it is then you need to find yourself first and then worry about a partner for life. I do believe in god as well but it sounds like you are relting on him to fix your problems- He is there in the good and the bad- weather it is good or not sometimes relys on your decisions not his. Love your self first and by all means don't talk to him- under any circumstances, while you are trying to find your self. Sometimes you have to distance yourself from people and things to see the true you. It doensn't sound like you love yourself enough to give yourself to be you first then be a partner. I have had a partner hit me and I put up with it for 6 years- it was hard believe me- he would come to my house- I called the police and ask them to remove him from my residence- then he started to break into my house while I was gone and would be there when I got home, I used my head- made him mad and the first chance I got ran to the door- got into my car and went to the police station and filed a report- he finally got the picture and I found out what a strong person that I was and have moved on and have been happily married to another man for 10 years- that never ever hit me- That was the first thing that I told him on our first date- If you ever raise your hand to me I will hunt you down and you will wish that you never met me. Need less to say- we apparently had more dates and he respected me for respecting myself. Think about it! I wish you luck.

I've read the last couple of entries from women who have left their toxic relationships.

All I can say is - Thank You

Thank you from your kids - for allowing them to have an abusive-free childhood

Thank you from your parents - for taking care of yourself (what every parent wants for their child)

Thank you from your siblings - for allowing their children to have a happy healthy aunt (& cousins)

Thank you from your friends - for allowing them to have the 'real' you in their lives

Thank you from your community - for being a constructive and productive member of society

 

Finally - Thank you for being brave, having a backbone and for choosing to live a better life - you're making life better for others too.

 
December 8, 2006, 6:04 am CST

Good advice

Quote From: afraid

and i must say that it was a shock to me to hear about Danny, but if i were a woman and feared my husband was  going to end up in a early grave, hell fire i would make sure all the insurance policy's were paid up to date, cant change someone who does not want to change, party on garth party on wayne!

Loved the advice

 

 

 
December 8, 2006, 6:20 am CST

Run, Don't Walk

Quote From: mzjones

I know it is not right for a man to hit on a female.  I am engaged to a man that I have been with for many years.  Just in the last 2 years he has become a man that I don't always know anymore.  He does not beat on me, but sometimes he will smack me very hard and call me names.  I have told him those names hurt more than the hits do, because they really do.  He is currently in jail because I have put him there, even though we still talk, I know he can only be the person who can change himself.  I am getting counseling and I pray that GOD will help me make the right choices that I need to do.  But it is so hard to walk away because I love him so much and I know there is a good person inside there.  I am just always confused and I know I am not the only person out there that is going through this and I know there are people out there that know how I feel and have made their choices wether they be right or wrong.

May GOD grace pertect anyone and everyone at all times.

Please, please do not marry this man.  You say he doesn't "beat on you", and then finish the sentence saying he "smacks you around very hard".  He is abusing you, and there is no other nice way to say it.  Please don't set yourself up for a lifetime of hell.  Go to your family, go to your church, go to a friend, or get out the phone book and call the mental agency in your area if you have no one else, but PLEASE don't marry this man.  You  are so brave to have him put in jail for what he has done to you.  Keep your head up high and get OUT of this relationship.  You deserve better.  You may love him, but he doesn't know the meaning of the word love.  Love to him means control, and please don't let him continue to control you.  There are people out there who will help you move on with your life.  You sound like much too intelligent of  person to set yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak. You are in my prayers and my thoughts.
 
December 8, 2006, 6:55 am CST

Other issues

Quote From: cynderalla

 I think drugs and alcoholism is a real problem in this country and is ruining families across the
country.   with that addiction anything can happen like cheating financial problem and abuse.
I think the answer could be to have a understanding to how your family is suffering because of
this terrible evil stuff.  That can make a monster out of you, has to be stopped somehow and
reformed to you the real person inside is.  May the lord be with you and guide you away from
this temptation that only leads to distruction to you and yours.
Sincerely Yours.
cynderallamom

I don't think drugs and alcohol is the 'real' problem. Its the 'ME, ME, ME' syndrom,  immaturity and the need to feel satisfied, happy all the time without putting in serious effort, but most of all its Laziness.

To lazy to make the changes necessary to have a happy life and not rely on drugs/alcohol.

To lazy to pull their finger out and find the life of their dreams - its easier to play the victim

To lazy to identify when they have a problem - before it gets out of control, learn to deny themselves

To lazy to take responsibility for their lives - there's always someone to blame for their problems (including god).

 

And that's what its become - There's always someone else to blame - Not many of these people take responsibilities for their actions. If they were truly honest with themselves, they would see they were always like this.

How do I know this - I grew up in a drug (& abusive) world, drugs and addicts everywhere, all types, all the time. I could tell the ones who were going to become addicts as opposed to a 'recreational' user, they were always the ones who couldn't take responsibility for their actions and always had someone (parents, partner, kids, welfare, govt., landlord, utilities, the b* t*h next door, anyone, etc) to blame when things went wrong. (Funny, I could also recognise the future victims of domestic violence - often more easily than recognising future drug addicts)

After 30yrs in this world, I was only wrong once, someone I thought was 'responsible' turned into an alcoholic within 2yrs, her brother was also an alcoholic, yet they are the first to admit they had the best parents (who didn't drink) and a wonderful childhood, good education, with parents who still love and support them to this day. They also had good jobs, excellent opportunities and both seemed very capable, were successful with the opposite sex and had lots of good friends, but both slipped into the 'me, me, me' syndrom (immaturity). They had it all, it came easily, too easily and they just lost control of themselves (laziness). Both are so bad now, they comfortably sleep in cars, gutters, on bar stools, etc, have lost the sense of hygiene and dignity.

I use to be envious of them when I first met them, now I'm glad life wasn't so easy for me, it gave me the strength to overcome the bad times.

This is why I believe, whilst childhood environment makes a difference, its still up to the individual to take responsbility of their own choices/actions.

 
December 8, 2006, 6:58 am CST

I commend you highly.

Quote From: sndrapanda

I am a divorced for a 2nd time single mom,, and here is my story,,

I met my 2nd husband 3 years after my 1st divorce,, this man was everything my 1st husband wasn't,, a good provider, helped around the house and the love of my life. Unfortunately he was a Dr Jeckle, Mr Hyde personality and it didn't show until after we were married. I had heard stories of this mans violent behaviour but hadn't experienced it until one day when "my kids" didnt fold our laundry. He threw a laundry basket at my oldest child, he called her names I cant even repeat, and then threatened to kill me if I divorced him. Well, I went and got a restraining order, filed divorce papers, and this past July he contacted me saying he was so sorry and how he messed up and loves me,, blah blah blah. Well, guess what I gave him a second chance with just me and it wasn't too long he was back to verbally abusing me, everything was my fault and my kdis fault and he wasn't too blame for anything that had happened. Well, he is now totally out of the picture and I've moved on with my life with my 3 kids and learned a lesson, when someone tells you about a persons past you need to consider this when making a big decision such as marriage. I finally figured out that this man wasnt about being in love w/me he wanted to "control" me and unfortunately he says he forgave me for giving up on our marriage but in the end his "actions" spoke louder and opposite of his words. I feel sorry for him and I hope that some other poor,naive person sees him for who he is before they get involved w/him. I can honestly say it wasn't me because all his previous relationships ended the same exact way. A year later I am a stronger person, smarter person, and my kids are my world and no one deserves to be verbally abused. So many people say well he didnt physically abuse you, he came close but didn't hit you,,, well let me tell you, I think words hurt more than a fist and broken promises remind you that nothing will change,, I was promised the moon again, no actions, meaning no counseling I was the one w/the problem me and my kids, not him he wasn't to blame.  

I feel like im babbling so I"ll end it here but my lesson is "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

To the Single parent second time around, I really commend you highly.  That you stood up for yourself and left. These so called "men" don't ever want to own their behavior, it's always someone else's fault.  And your right, "ACTION DOES SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS."  You did the right thing to take "action" and took care of yourself and especially the safety of your children.  Keep the faith and you'll find someone that will love you and your beautiful children.

 

God Bless you and your precious family.

 
December 8, 2006, 7:00 am CST

Run Girl Run

Quote From: cati2d

This may not be as realistic as others but I have a husband that makes sure to call me stupid and dumb in front of my children and I ask why and what makes him think he can call me that

he says or claims he has the right.  And when I do not question him about it he thinks he is in

the right.  When   I do question him he just says just drop it you do not know what you are talking

about and when I can confide in someone they try to reassure me that I am not these things it is

not always helpful because he had already said it and now I think it is true.  What else am I to think if someone that is suppose to love me calls me this?  I am now divorcing him because I

can not do this anymore and my confidont has asked me if i could/would change my mind about

the divorce for the sake of the children and my answer  is still no I will not change my mind. Am I wrong? After dealing with this for the last 10 years?

Divorce him as soon as possible. You've already put in 10yrs, enough is enough.

You're not stupid or dumb - you can recognise the damage he's causing. Obviously he can't - seems he's projecting his own 'stupidity and dumbness' onto you.

Do it for your kids, please leave. Its terrible being a kid in this type of environment, not only do you have a horrible childhood, you end up losing respect for both parents and having a difficult adulthood.

Run Girl Run away as fast as you can.

 
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