Topic : 12/08 Out-of-Control Husbands

I lived through the nightmare that I watch weekly on Breaking Bonaduce.  I was married for many years to a man who was a cheater, used drugs and alcohol, is bi-polar and physically abused me.  He too loved his children but did not know what appropriate behavior was in regard to what children should be exposed to.  Many times I heard the apologies and the promises which were always broken eventually, usually during a manic state.

Nothing he does is ever his fault...somehow it always falls back on something you didn't do correctly or something you said or something you should have said.  I see Danny constantly setting Gretchen up with his words and his psycho semantic games.  It always comes back to the standard "I need you to be what I want you to be so that I will act right and I cannot live without you."

What a selfish thing for this man to do to this beautiful woman.  Even though it seems that there is no physical violence, it is extremely clear to me that she definitely suffers from the same psychological issues as a battered woman. 

While there is value to saving a 16 year marriage...there is definite value to saving your sanity and that of your children.  Yes, the oldest daughter acts out and tries to punish her mother for doing what is the smart thing to do but you cannot give in to a child...the parent is ultimately the one who must make the important decisions.  I guarantee you that in time your children will see that you have made the right decisions for you and them...my child is living proof of that. 

You cannot fix someone, especially someone who does not think they are broken.  Dr Phil was right on the money when he said it is a maturity issue as well.  "Oh well, that's just me" is not an adult response to one's own bad behavior. 

Gretchen's life will be fuller and happier than she can ever imagine without the daily ups and downs that Danny puts her through.  I have never been happier in my life than when I cut that destructive relationship loose.  It was hard, of course, but I have been richly blessed by God with a husband who is not only the love of my life but also the exact opposite of these two crazy men.

I apologize...it was definitely a mistake on my part.  I am new at this and did Boo Boo.  I thought about that early this morning and did not have time before work to straighten it out...thanks for being so understanding....take care.

I do not take the reality of "choice" lightly. I don't throw it around like you say. You are making assumptions. In fact, I'm very conscious of it. I am where I am today because of  conscious "choices" that I made. I'm not gonna let no "sydrome" theory dictate my life and my life choices. If I do, I may end up believing it. And if I start believing in it than I know it will destroy me.

 

I'm an alcoholic because I "chose" to drink and I "chose" to drink too much. I got into legal troubles because of my drinking. I, and only me, bear all of the responsibility. I chose the behavior and I chose the consequence. They say that alcoholism is a disease. I refuse to believe that mostly because I have no desire to drink. If I start believing it, I might get mentally and emotionally vulnerable and end up with a relapse. That's not going to happen, today. As much as I believe in Alcoholic Anonymous and attend daily meetings, I don't espouse to everyone of its principles. Again, I'm gonna follow the conviction that works best for me. No harm to me and no harm to anyone else.

 

If you want to believe in all that you read about  Stockholm Syndrome, Battered Woman Syndrome, crazy-making, gas-lighting, that is your chosen business. If the victims want to read up on all that than that is their business. The downside to reading all that, there is a tendency for victims to start believing in what they read.

 

I don't know about anybody else, but this seems to give a victim all that much more excuses to stay and continue to get beat-up. Why? Because they believe in what they read.

 

Your last statement as you put it, "domestic abuse and domestic violence is not about couples having problems, its far too complex, its not normal at all". Don't you really mean that it is not about couples "just" having problems? But, I do believe it is a very complex issue and that it is definitely not a normal way of functiioning.

Thank you, stormydaughter, for putting things in perspective for me, sincerely. Yours is the best post I've read. You speak from experience. You speak from your heart. You don't seem to be harboring any resentment. You are not directly blaming the abuser. Please, I don't mean to minimize your past, by no means. I can't imagine all of the emotional, physical, and mental pain that you endured. It sounded to me that YOU actually believed that your marriage would be better if you acted better. Did you not, at some point in your abusive marriage, allow yourself to become brainwashed?

 

Can I safely say that you are no longer in an abusive relationship? If so, where did you get the strenght to get out? Did you reach out and asked for help? Surely, you somehow took back control of your life. In your last statement, "but in this not so perfect world, all of us are  not perfect, some of us need help... I have another saying: "Take care of your internal environment and let the external environment take care of itself".

 

Good Luck to you.                    Peace to ya'll

 

 

Many women wonder why they have allowed their husband/significant other to abuse them.  Reading up, as you put it, on Stockholm Syndrome, Battered Woman Syndrome, crazy-making and gaslighting, among other things, gives an answer to that "why". 

 

The number one question I have heard when listening to battered women is "Am I crazy?"   The above information, as well as dozens of books, websites, etc., are comforting to women who are not really looking for "excuses to stay and continue to get beat-up".   They simply need an answer and a hand up.

 

peace

 

L

 

 

I would like to applaud every woman who is brave enough to trust her gut and KNOW that things are not right when there is abuse.  I read the most informative and healing book by Lundy Bancroft: "Why Does He Do That?" (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men).  I hope that Dr. Phil will feature this amazing man on his program, for he will strip away so much misinformation about abuse.  Once you know how abusers think, YOU will have the ability to save yourself from more harm.  You will teach children not to abuse others or tolerate abuse.

 

By the way, abuse is NOT an event where the abuser "loses control."   He chooses who, when, and where he will be abusive.  He controls the entire scene.  Abuse thrives in secrecy, often without witnesses.   The victims live in fear of exposing him.  Please never blame victims for "staying."    The statistics show how many women and children are harmed after they leave.

 

Regarding the show where the little daughter stated: "I will help you, Daddy":  What a conveniently manipulated role-reversal.  What adult expects a child to sort out the adult's destrucive behavior?  Which person is the real child?   This was a sickening example of abuse.

 

This country needs to wake up!  Parents are teachers.  If we want to know where abusive attitudes (entitlement, selfishness, superiority, disrespect, coercive control, and victim-blaming) come from, and how they are modeled for our children, read Bancroft's book.  Then look at the way we live and model abuse to our nation's children, at home, on television, everywhere.

 

I am a high school teacher, and I can assure you that the teens are starving for answers, based upon what they must live with at home.   They deserve more guidance and love than they are receiving.   We are not doing our part if we do not first examine our own behaviors and speech.

 

 

I was speaking from experience and I was speaking from my heart.  Actually I did blame the abuser for years.  Now I can look back and see that I enabled him.  I truly feel that if I had had courage and stood up to him from the beginning that he would have backed down.  I have watched him over those 31 years, his reactions with others, he was a big bully who was a coward in his heart.  He was a weak man, lazy and ambitious unless he was required to make it happen.  I was brain washed, for years I felt that if I acted better, if I didn't do something to make him angry then it would be okay.  I catered to the man...so much so that everyone bragged about how humble I was.  To this day I hate that description.  I wanted to leave for years and he finally gave me the out.  He was lazy and made me work after years of not wanting me to do so.  I found I could get a job, and the more I was around others, the more confidence I found in myself.  The most wonderful day for me was when I walked into my own little apartment.  There wasn't much there but oh the peace....it has been more than worth it.  I only wish I had done it sooner.  We are told it is  better usually to tough it out for the kids...I wish I had gotten them out while they were small...there life was hard.  Today I do not allow myself to be used like that.  I still have problems with self worth but that is another story.  Try not to be so tough on those who are in that situation...I admire that you are strong...but many of us ladies were not raised to be strong....as I said, I truly believe that controlling men either consciously or unconsciously look for a woman with a personality that will enable them to be in control.

Does an abused woman own her abuser's childhood, or his role models, or his addictions, or his allergies?    Of course not!   Abuse is LEARNED.   It is modeled.   The abuser must own his childhood, the models that he accepted, the values, choices, and behaviors he chooses.  It is HE, not the recipients of his abuse, that stands alone in accountability.  He decides how to treat others.

 

Values are LIVED.   If an adult values kindness, patience, and respect, he will not be abusive.

 

An abused person has NO OWNERSHIP of another person's choice to be mean.  

Every abusive person makes a conscious choice, in the moment, how to behave. 

I used to think I was awful because I couldn't withstand my own childhood without ending up with a compulsion of my own.

 

Today, because of Al-Anon, I know that's not true.  I AM OK.

 

So are you.  I'd love to eat your Italian meals, btw.  I bet you knock those meals outta the park!

I so agree with you that every person's actions are their own responsibility.....no one "pushes" buttons to cause it, and by the same token, no one is responsible for someone deciding that abuse is OK.

 

I gained true strength when I realized that I was responsible for my own life and my own attitudes.

 

Today I know:  People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.