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Topic : 12/13 Holiday Horror Stories

Number of Replies: 461
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Created on : Friday, December 08, 2006, 02:32:23 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The holidays are here, but some households never experience “peace on earth.” Dr. Phil’s guests refuse to embrace the spirit of the season, and say Christmas is the worst time of the year! Joyce has been married to Rick for 27 years, and has hated the holidays for 26 of those years. She refuses to put up a tree, decorate her house or listen to Christmas carols. Rick says Joyce even flipped out when he tried to dangle some mistletoe over her head!  Joyce has succeeded in ruining her family’s joy, but is she about to destroy her marriage? Then, Val has 11 kids, but says her three daughters stop at nothing to wreck the holidays. One daughter even resorted to breaking her sister’s finger on Christmas day! The constant fighting has pushed Val to consider something drastic. And, find out what special event Robin and Dr. Phil hosted to help celebrate the true holiday spirit! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

More December 2006 Show Boards.

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December 11, 2006, 3:28 pm CST

12/13 Holiday Horror Stories

Hey,  I love christmas!  Christmas is all bout Jesus  and his birth!  People need to not forget what christmas is all about.  Thats Jesus our Lord and King!!   Christmas is  the time for loved ones to get together and  share Jesus and open gifts!  Hope you all have a marry christmas!
 
December 11, 2006, 4:38 pm CST

righteous indignation works for me.

Quote From: ceildh1

Okay, this seems petty but I NEED advice....

My BIL likes to come across the country ( he's in BC and I am on the East Coast of Canada), and surprise us.

I HATE SURPRISE VISITORS, I truly do, and I have explained this to him, calmly and rationaly, and so has my husband, but he dosen't get it.

Everyone has told me, " he knows it bothers you, that's why he does it ."

So can someone explain what kind of sick plesure it give a person to do this ?  Even AFTER it has been explained  ?  He figures the rest don't mind, so I have to get over it,ARGHHH.

He also likes to tell us how are kids should be raised, church ( my husband and I are agnostic at best), school ( one is a straight A student the other dyslexic but pulling B's), and everything else, he's childless.

I DREAD the holidays because of him, I know I shouldn't let him have that power over me, but it really hurts to know he has ZERO respect for me or my feelings.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

 I figured out a long time ago that to allow someone to control my feelings means that I must enjoy the pain. That made me angry. I am too stubborn to allow someone to control me in any way. Instead of getting hurt try some righteous indignation.
 
December 11, 2006, 4:50 pm CST

you know what they say about assume

Quote From: freesia83

Why do you assume those who don't make huge deals out the holidays are the ones that need to behave?  I've gone along with it for years; shopping, dinners, school functions and such (FI done the same with his family) and have been polite but it is never enough. You get accused of not caring about family and that is not fair and very hurtful which prepetuates the negative feelings even more. Holidays can bring the best out in some, the worst and selfish behavior in others.


First of all I assumed nothing. I reacted with a statement not an assumption. I never once even inferred a 'huge deal' should be made of Christmas. I stated that you do things that you don't necessarily like for people you love, and if you can't to remove  yourself for the sake of those you love. It is not fair that someone kills someone else's joy. If people notice that you are not happy you are obviously not making a very good effort. If you cannot find the joy in being with loved ones when they are happy there is something seriously wrong. People that cannot behave and are so miserable that they kill the joy going on around them are people that need help, and need to be avoided unless and until they can behave.
 
December 11, 2006, 5:20 pm CST

12/13 Holiday Horror Stories

First off I want to THANK EVERYONE for the advice,Seems my BIL is in for a couple of surprises this year.

We put up with it, only because he comes from the other side of the country to DROP IN ( must be nice to afford the airfare and the rental car for that time), and he used the line " I could be deployed to Afghnistan anytime," he's in the Navy, so of course the double whammy right >?

But this year I choose to be happy over th holidays, and keep my car keys within reach, I guess I just never know when my Mom is going to need help with Christmas dinner or baking , that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Also, I told my husband, he shows up, you lose a day off work because I won't be here to entertain him, Hubby dosen't like to take time off this time of year, and my SIL has PROMISED to run interference,like picking him up at the airport and taking him to her place, but he can't stay there because her daughter is having Chemo, and everyone is banned right now who might have a cold or flu bug with them (perfectly understandable).

We have picked him up a gift card for a local hotel, right between us, and that's where he'll be staying, because I've had enough, and I will tell him, you want to raise kids, get a couple of your own.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it

Happy Holidays to all ( yes even the Scrooges )

 
December 11, 2006, 6:18 pm CST

12/13 Holiday Horror Stories

Quote From: bear_ta

First of all I assumed nothing. I reacted with a statement not an assumption. I never once even inferred a 'huge deal' should be made of Christmas. I stated that you do things that you don't necessarily like for people you love, and if you can't to remove  yourself for the sake of those you love. It is not fair that someone kills someone else's joy. If people notice that you are not happy you are obviously not making a very good effort. If you cannot find the joy in being with loved ones when they are happy there is something seriously wrong. People that cannot behave and are so miserable that they kill the joy going on around them are people that need help, and need to be avoided unless and until they can behave.
You keep saying behave. Is going along with everyone not behaving? Being nice and civil is not behaving? I am pleased to spend time with family each time I see them, holidays are no different. If one's not being excited is killing someone else's joy then maybe they should focus elsewhere than on a single person.

You say maybe you don't try hard enough to "behave". Maybe they are not trying hard enough to understand where you are coming from and realize the other party is doing this BECAUSE they love you. It works both ways.

If the rampant commercialism, crowds of people, and the feelings of obligation were less prominant I think the holidays would be tolerable. Due to all the factors above, it makes the season stressful and the way to not add that frivilous stress to your life is to simply step away. Right now FI and I are in it deep because we are choosing to only go to the larger family dinner on Christmas Day and spend Christmas Eve on our own with a gourmet Italian meal and wine for two. Somehow this is causing controversy in the family.

It is not fair that someone kills someone else's joy

It is also not fair that my own family members call me a bitch because I don't find the holidays particularly interesting either. So do you think they are entitled to treat me that way simply because I don't believe what they do? Then when I do feel it is best to remove myself from the situation it is changed to selfish bitch. Sorry, I tried to do what I could to keep the peace, it didn't work, I give up.

 
December 11, 2006, 7:58 pm CST

Advice

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

Seriously, my Dad has an Alpha male complex and tries to dominate a lot of things.  But being the first-born female, if i just stood up to him half the time he would back down.  Just let him know that youre not going to tolerate his behavior.  If he acts uncivil, put him on a leash!  YOU control the situation, HE's the guest.  If he doesn't like it, he can bother some other relative, and youre off the hook!

Sounds like your BIL is very inconsiderate.  Now you can't change him, so stop trying.  All you can do is change your reaction to him so that you can be happy when he visits.  You have a resentment and resentments are poisonous to your spirit. 

Is it so hard to open your house to him even if it is unexpected?  I disagree with you trying to "control" this situation because that is not what life is all about.  Why not just get some space ready for him but also gently let him know it would make your holidays so much easier if he were just  a little bit more considerate and pick up the phone to let you know he's coming.  Sure, expect that he won't get it and will continue to do this, but open your heart a little, open your home a little, let him know you love him and get some holiday spirit. 

Friends and family can be dear to us and can be welcome if you just expect the unexpected from them.  Don't reschedule your day or clear out a room for him.  Just grab a blanket, pillow and let him know there is always a spot on the floor for him - but there's a bed if he calls ahead.  No one would fault you for that, but you're guarenteed a pissy attitude from him if you act ungratious to him. 

 
December 11, 2006, 8:01 pm CST

Great attitude

Quote From: jesusislord

Hey,  I love christmas!  Christmas is all bout Jesus  and his birth!  People need to not forget what christmas is all about.  Thats Jesus our Lord and King!!   Christmas is  the time for loved ones to get together and  share Jesus and open gifts!  Hope you all have a marry christmas!
I love it too.  The whole Jesus story is a bit far fetched for me, but I do like the thought of celebrating love and family.  The holidays are for everyone!
 
December 11, 2006, 8:03 pm CST

Pet peeve about Christmas

I love Christmas and the idea of sharing gifts and love.  But I have a peeve about people sending x-mas lists of gifts they'd like.  I love buying surprise gifts.  Gifts that say...hey, I thought alot about you and am hoping you'll like this present i selected. 
 
December 11, 2006, 11:32 pm CST

some quiet time by yourself

Quote From: freesia83

You keep saying behave. Is going along with everyone not behaving? Being nice and civil is not behaving? I am pleased to spend time with family each time I see them, holidays are no different. If one's not being excited is killing someone else's joy then maybe they should focus elsewhere than on a single person.

You say maybe you don't try hard enough to "behave". Maybe they are not trying hard enough to understand where you are coming from and realize the other party is doing this BECAUSE they love you. It works both ways.

If the rampant commercialism, crowds of people, and the feelings of obligation were less prominant I think the holidays would be tolerable. Due to all the factors above, it makes the season stressful and the way to not add that frivilous stress to your life is to simply step away. Right now FI and I are in it deep because we are choosing to only go to the larger family dinner on Christmas Day and spend Christmas Eve on our own with a gourmet Italian meal and wine for two. Somehow this is causing controversy in the family.

It is not fair that someone kills someone else's joy

It is also not fair that my own family members call me a bitch because I don't find the holidays particularly interesting either. So do you think they are entitled to treat me that way simply because I don't believe what they do? Then when I do feel it is best to remove myself from the situation it is changed to selfish bitch. Sorry, I tried to do what I could to keep the peace, it didn't work, I give up.

I think  you  made a good compromise and picked the event on x-mas Day to attend with family and then x-mas eve by yourselves. It  is setting a boundary for yourself. I find myself able to handle some of it each year but I enjoy the x-mas lights at night ,my son's x-mas band concert and letting him decorate the tree. Funny how much he wants to decorate the tree.I had put the lights on it and he came home Sunday from sledding and burst into tears because I had put these pastel butterflies all over it  . He thought it was a girl's tree :>) So I took the butterflies off:>) Actually one year we had a camoflauge train with missiles circling around the bottom of the tree.Really!!!  He really liked that for what reason I'm not sure...Tis the season!  Do you know that in Bethlehem and around Jerusalem one of the most dangerous jobs now is being a shepherd ? It's because of all the land mines that remain ............ It's just such a bad visual, you know ,the shepherd and sheep kaboom............Man, so much for the sweet little manger scene........I guess we are lucky to have peace within our country. I took my son and a friend to the mall. We have thousands of Bosnians relocated here and also muslims and from India. Well,back to sleep. Hey, I'm recovering from Thanksgiving still!!!!! X-mas will seem a breeze after that. Nothing like Mom's special prozac x-mas cookies .....ha ha. And everyone was SO HAPPY????!!!:>) We just went thru a big snow storm so it seems like we already had a white X-mas.
 
December 12, 2006, 6:04 am CST

Try and focus

Quote From: freesia83

You keep saying behave. Is going along with everyone not behaving? Being nice and civil is not behaving? I am pleased to spend time with family each time I see them, holidays are no different. If one's not being excited is killing someone else's joy then maybe they should focus elsewhere than on a single person.

You say maybe you don't try hard enough to "behave". Maybe they are not trying hard enough to understand where you are coming from and realize the other party is doing this BECAUSE they love you. It works both ways.

If the rampant commercialism, crowds of people, and the feelings of obligation were less prominant I think the holidays would be tolerable. Due to all the factors above, it makes the season stressful and the way to not add that frivilous stress to your life is to simply step away. Right now FI and I are in it deep because we are choosing to only go to the larger family dinner on Christmas Day and spend Christmas Eve on our own with a gourmet Italian meal and wine for two. Somehow this is causing controversy in the family.

It is not fair that someone kills someone else's joy

It is also not fair that my own family members call me a bitch because I don't find the holidays particularly interesting either. So do you think they are entitled to treat me that way simply because I don't believe what they do? Then when I do feel it is best to remove myself from the situation it is changed to selfish bitch. Sorry, I tried to do what I could to keep the peace, it didn't work, I give up.

You seem to have rather large problems. Reading comprehension seems to be at the top of the list. At no time have I directed a single comment at you. I have no idea who you are. You seem to have a large chip on your shoulder as well. I do not let people control me the way you seem to. My family would never call me such a degrading name. I guess that is why I enjoy the holidays so much. Obviously people that call others names are not behaving. I was not using the word 'behave' in regards to people with such an atrocious lack of civility, but rather people that are grumpy. I would have nothing to do with people such as you describe. I would also allow no one to ruin my life, my holidays or my joy. I do not allow people to control me, but then again I don't come from a family that behaves that way either. I am terribly sorry you have such a rough life.

 
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