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Topic : 12/15 Children of Addicts

Number of Replies: 354
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Created on : Friday, December 08, 2006, 02:44:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Robin and Dr. Phil both grew up in unstable family environments due to an alcoholic parent. In her new book, Inside My Heart, Robin explains the choices she made to become the best woman, wife and mother she could be, and the circumstance behind those choices. See how her biggest struggle helped her make a choice about the type of man she would marry. Then, Jill says her husband, James, used to be adored as the mayor of their community, but now he’s the town drunk, an embarrassment to the family and the neighborhood. She says he’s a horrible influence to their 15-year-old son, Robert, and is spending their life savings on booze. James has been sober for six weeks since being arrested and ordered to wear an ankle bracelet that will detect alcohol in his system. He thinks he must know why he drinks in order to stop drinking for good. Dr. Phil and Robin have an important message for Robert, who has only recently seen his father sober. Next, a daughter’s words send her famous father into rehab. Known as the voice of the NFL, Pat Summerall has a message to anyone who struggles with alcoholism. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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December 11, 2006, 10:28 am CST

One Day At A Time

Quote From: hagar362

Your post is the first time I have ever seen allergy addressed in relation to alcohol.  My family has many members who can hold their drink and drink themselves silly, but my mood changes after one or two drinks.  Recently, after many years of sobriety, I attended a family function and after a couple of glasses of wine, I decided vodka would be better.  After one drink of vodka I was face down in my dinner.  Imagine my embarrassment when I woke up the next morning after being bundled off as an idiot and driven home and shoved in my door.  After so many years of sobriety this lapse in judgment only confirmed to my family that I was crazy and beyond help.  Abstinence is on the only answer for me, but it has taken many years for me to realize this.  On the bright side, I have far fewer health problems than my other family members who are hard core drinkers.  Abstinence has it rewards.

I see that from abstaining from alcohol one reward is that you have fewer health problems which is great. Now, how is your emotional, mental and spiritual health. Abstinence, in it of itself, will not remedy your urges to drink. A person can continue to have "dry" drunk episodes. They may fight off or struggle with the urges. Many times these urges are constant. A person can become "moody", frustrated, angry, tired, lonely, hungry for no apparent reason.

 

Switching from one type of alcohol to another is definitely not the solution. Cutting back won't do it. Making a resolution doesn't last very long at all. Try it and find out for yourself.

 

I'm an alcoholic and there is only one way for me to remain sober, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and that's a daily dose of A.A. meetings, "one day at a time".

 
December 11, 2006, 10:39 am CST

Just one more message on smokers

Quote From: losinend

My drinking habits touched on five decades: the 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's and the first three years of 2000. I didn't know I was an alcoholic until I was 53 years old. Thank God, I never smoked cigarettes. Oh, my apologies. Yes I did. During my teens I would light up when I drank. Never got hooked.

 

Boy, that denial just gets heavier and heavier and just when you thought you hit "rock-bottom", guess what? There's a trap door at the bottom that flips wide open. Than, you continue your downward dig.

 

You ask how you have intervention with a heavy smoker, alcoholic? Divine intervention: Plenty of prayers to soften the excruciating, emotional pain.

 

Death, insanity, imprisonment or recovery.

I just want to add one more observation on alcoholics who are heavy smokers. This is just my perception, viewpoint and my actual contact with alcoholic, heavy smokers. Most will claim that their lives have greatly improved but most are very vague about "how" their lives have improved. Do you know what it is like being in a smoked-filled meeting room, no ventilation, windows closed and all 15 or 20 smokers, crowded together in this tiny room? Some will actually admit that they have tried but can't quit. Most are in heavy denial about their addiction. But, as long as they can claim they are sober, what do they care if they are heavy smokers and live in misery? It's no one else's business but their own, right?

 

Right!! Just keep the kids out of that environment.

 
December 11, 2006, 2:08 pm CST

Living with other types of addicts

Most of the messages were about alcoholism.

What about gambling or other drugs even tobacco. Gambling is available everywhere and it is just as terrible as alcohol. I would like to see a show about this type of addiction. On the ask Dr. Phil and Robin last week they touched on it but it needs to be a whole show or series of shows.

 

Living with an addict can be pure hell.  If only addicts could see what their friends and family go through.

 

 

 
December 11, 2006, 2:11 pm CST

I know the feeling

Quote From: alicer

Wow, alot of what you wrote sounds like my life. My husband of 26 years is a son of a alcoholic,  which I did not learn until after we were married. I never ever noticed a drinking problem until we moved away from family and friends across the U.S to the south. My older brother actually pointed it out to me. Finally, I began to look closely and monitor his behavior.  In the last 6 years, his drinking has escaluated.  His moods change and is very verbally abusive. Several times he even has gotten physical and finally found the courage to call the police. He blames me for everything and our 2 kids believe him. I feel so alone, not knowing who to speak to.

We have gone to counseling, and the counselor wanted him to go to Anger Management classes, but he refused to go and said why should he go when he knows what the problem is. Me!  Our counselor suggested I speak to his mother about this, but she basically told me she couldn't /wouldn't help, that I should not get a divorce because of the children.  I have been very open to all the suggestions my counselor has provided, but I told her it's too difficult to do it one sided.  She told me that "you chose him." That really hurt me.  I didn't know how to respond,  I know that, but I came for you for help.

 

My husband is not a great father at all, my 15 yr old son is actively smoking marijuana and my husband thinks it's my fault he's smoking. He basically has taken a back seat to the whole thing. He will do anything for the kids, not making them into responsible individuals.  He lets them do whatever. He would never ask who they would hang out with, what time they are coming home, etc., all the normal things a parent does. When I step in, I am labeled the Bitch and causing trouble.  He says I am being selfish and a bitch. When the kids talk back to me or call me horrible horrible names, he does nothing about it. Mute to the whole situation. I really can't take it anymore.  I have lost everything that I love. My husband has ruined my relationship with my two kids, 20 and 15. I have been laid off from a couple of jobs and cannot find anything because I do not speak spanish. I feel so captive to my husband and his abuse. All this talk about what to do is so scary.  I want to start to expose my husband's behavior to his co-workers, friends and his extended family. Should I do this, or am I heading into MORE TROUBLE?  We all can't go on the Dr. PHil show, but I need some help.  I am so sorry for the rampling on and on. But, this is the first time I have had the chance to talk about this where someone will understand. Thanks,

Hi, just read your message. You are not alone in this. My husband has a drinking problem, and each time he drinks he abuses me verbally and mentally. He will use words like bitch, whore, slut etc... Im a hard working woman. I have told him over and over again I cannot live in an invironment like this, my nerves cannot take it anymore. Everytime something goes wrong, he blames me. If he gets upset about something, he will drink, he will not admit he has a problem. His whole family are alcoholics. I believe the only solution is to leave until the get some help, which most of them will not admit they have a problem. He has made promises to me again and again but failed. I think if you go to his co-workers and family and friends it might get things worse, cause once they confront him he will be angry. You need to stay safe. Im going to start going to alanon because I was told it would help me. I could go on and on. Im here if you need someone to talk to and listen. If you ever feel the need to talk you can send me an e-mail at: fancy1524@hotmail.com.. I hope things will get better for you. Please stay safe..
 
December 11, 2006, 6:21 pm CST

Life is full of addicts

The sad truth is there are so many types of addicts and my father is an alcoholic. My first ex's Mom is one too and he is a codependent absent father who don't pay child support. My soon to be ex husband is a drug addict, but according to AA, he is also an alcoholic. The boyfriend I have now doesn't have those issues and I don't care if he's not rich or perfect to everyone else's standards because as long as he has values and isn't an addict or abusive, then I'm good and I'm happy too. You can't save them when they are addicts and you make a choice- live with it  or live without them. Most spouses of addicts don't choose what is best out of the fear they didn't try hard enough but that is untrue. My advice for anyone in a bad relationship involving addicts or abuse is to let go because the sooner you do, the sooner you can help and make a difference to those who are capable of living free and who aren't addicted and you will find better purposes for your time, energy and love that will sprout into a tree of life. When you support them hurting themselves in any fashion, it isn't loving. It isn't selfish to give up when they don't love you enough to even bother to get help.
 
December 11, 2006, 9:00 pm CST

Thanks

Quote From: fancy1524

Hi, just read your message. You are not alone in this. My husband has a drinking problem, and each time he drinks he abuses me verbally and mentally. He will use words like bitch, whore, slut etc... Im a hard working woman. I have told him over and over again I cannot live in an invironment like this, my nerves cannot take it anymore. Everytime something goes wrong, he blames me. If he gets upset about something, he will drink, he will not admit he has a problem. His whole family are alcoholics. I believe the only solution is to leave until the get some help, which most of them will not admit they have a problem. He has made promises to me again and again but failed. I think if you go to his co-workers and family and friends it might get things worse, cause once they confront him he will be angry. You need to stay safe. Im going to start going to alanon because I was told it would help me. I could go on and on. Im here if you need someone to talk to and listen. If you ever feel the need to talk you can send me an e-mail at: fancy1524@hotmail.com.. I hope things will get better for you. Please stay safe..
Thanks so much for your kind words and reaching out. Yes, I probably will email you. I too, could go on and on. While on the computer last night, he yelled at me for 25 minutes, opening the door to our study just because I asked him if he could stop on the way home from watching the football game at a bar with friends to get some more Christmas hooks. You would have thought I asked him for a diamond ring or something unreachable.  What is this doing to our health?  I don't even know how I function some days.  I feel so shocked and so many times it feels like a trance or some kind.  I am a loving person and I deserve more. Have I made a mistake or staying too long in this marriage? 
 
December 12, 2006, 12:58 am CST

Child of an Alcoholic Environment

Dr. Phil,

     I am the daughter of a few alcoholics.  My daddy was an alcoholic and I saw him put a 38 to his head when I was 8 yrs. old.  He was the first dead person I had ever seen.  After that my mom who was also an alcoholic and addicted to perscription meds, would bring home all these men from the bar and they too were alcoholics.  Most of my mom's boyfriends molested me and they never got in trouble for it.  See as long as momma was with her man nothing else mattered.  In 1975 my mom hooked up with this man who was also an alcoholic, but he was different. He never once touched me inapproprietly.  He and my mom stayed together for the next 7 yrs.  They would get drunk on the weekends(every weekend) and get violent.  One would knock the other one around, we would go to the emergency room, the police wouldn't let my sister and I do anything because he was our common law step-dad.  My sister and I would go down the road to my aunt's house and wait for them to sober up.  My mother was disabled with degenerative bone disease in her back and she had only one lung.  My step-dad was a brick mason. He was excellent at what he did, as long as he had at least a pint in him.  If he was sober his hands shook so bad that he wasn't any use to do much of anything.  He did take care of us though.  I loved him a great deal, even though he and my mom made my life miserable at times.  My mom finally got sober. She had been sober for 2 wks when she had congested heart failure.  After they sent her home from the hospital, she died about a month later from her heart skipping a beat and just stopping in her sleep.  My mom and step-dad had gone their seperate ways before she died, and I am sorry to say that he was drunk one night and fell in the river and drowned.  I found my mom dead in her bed the morning after Thanksgiving in 1982, almost 10 yrs to the day my daddy had died. (Oct 2,1972) My step-dad died in 1985.  All that is left in my family is my oldest sister(52) and my brother(53). My other sister we watched die from cancer on Aug. 22,2004.  She was 43 yrs. old.  To this very day, seeing someone drink, even if it is just one beer, makes me very uneasy.  Because of my sad childhood and some things that happened to me as an adult, I now am being treated for depression and post-tramatic- stress.  My life is so much nicer now. I am a happy newly wed(Aug 18, 2006) and even though I am disabled because of a back injury, I am happy.  I have a wonderful daughter who now lives with her father, but I am so proud of her .  I have my wonderful husband who is the man I have prayed for since I was a little girl, my pets, and a few friends that keep my occupied.  I see my sister , brother, and daughter about twice a year.  I am a survivor and have been my entire life. Thank you for listening to me ramble on about my life.  God Bless you and your family.  Melody Thompson

 

Lexington, Ky

,

    

 
December 12, 2006, 4:23 am CST

recovering alcoholic

Quote From: heinszuske

Hi. am a recovering alcoholic as well. Have caused my children a lot of grief, however they have stood by me with support and love, guess I am one of the lucky ones.Now that I am near 70 yrs of age, I have something to drink about twice a month, and I know once an alcoholic, the amount of alcohol doesnt matter , I drink like an alcoholic still. Its the  lack of contact with others that is so hard. am having a tough time to make friends, am a loner. which is also through lack of socializing behaviour. And what I believe to be a form of A.D.D, attention defecid syndrome. All in all life is not bad, at least I am aware of my shortcomings, and also of a certain amount of selfworth now. sounds confusing. but am really doing not so bad. there are always pros and cons and I keep my drinking self away from others.So that they dont affect others, and the serenity prayer does keep me away from eventhat occasional  drinking more and more.I did enjoy Your input. thnx ............................  Ann

HI ANN

THIS IS MEL.

DONT GIVE UP TO THE ALCOHOL FIND AN  A.A. MEETING THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE THERE WHO WILL HELP U.

YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT U ARE NOT ALONE THERE ARE MANY SENIORS WHO NEED HELP LONLINESS CAN BE TERRIBLE

BUT DRINKING IS NOT THE ANSWER

GOD BLESS U ANN AND TRY NOT DRINKING  "ONE DAY AT A TIME" REMBER A DAY DOES NOT HAVE TO BE 24HRS IF U DONT LIKE THE DAY U STARTED START ANOTHER ONE.

SOBER 16YRS AND COUNTING

MEL

 
December 12, 2006, 7:42 am CST

Can't let go!!

Hi Robin and Dr. Phil -

My name is Jenni.  I too grew up with a father that was an alcoholic!!  He was a mean drunk.  The first time I remember my father being violent with my mother was when I was 3 years old.  I remember the pounding on the door and then looking at my mother as she said Honey, go back to bed."  As soon as she said this - I remember the locked door come crashing down on her and my father walking through the door smashing her with the door!!  There were countless times after- unloaded guns being put to her head infront of my younger brother and I  while he is telling my mother he is going to "blow her head off"  if she told anyone.  Scissors would be put to her throat and she would be told that he was going to "kill her"all the time.  This doesn't even count the times that my father turned on me and threw me down the old cellar basement steps at the age of 5 yrs. b/c I wouldn't feed the dog.  My mother finally divorced my father when I was 8 yrs. old.  My father didn't get sober until I was17 yrs. old.  He doesn't remember anything - Missing my birth, hitting my mother unitl she miscarried a third sibling, the constant hitting and beating.  Now, I am 32 trs. old and I cannot seem to forget!!  Even though my father and I have an OK relationship, I cannot seem to forget and these events and it effects me on a daily basis!!!  I've forgiven my father in words but in thoughts and my  heart I'm still so angry!!!  How could someone do this to a person or people they love........I know that it is a disease but what do you do with the little ones who become adults and still have this effecting them constantly????  You are right - I am now happily married to a man that would never, NEVER hit me but even when we argue or he raises his voice all I think is that a fist is coming next and how do I protect myself and my children?  Greg, my husband, doesn't understand this b/c he knows he wouldn't hurt any of us EVER!!!!  I've never sought counseling....Do you think that this is a must for self healing?  I just want these fellings to quit haunting me!!!  Thanks for listening.....Jenni Francis, Ohio

 
December 12, 2006, 3:57 pm CST

12/15 Children of Addicts

Hey,  Well its so sad to see people that drinks way to much all the time! It hurts them and there family's.    Alcohol  is a sin! In other words drinking is a sin. It hurts your health and makes you look silly!!  Alcoholic's need all the help they can get and they need praying for!    Drinking is bad for a person and  it can mess up there life with family and friends.   I pray for any one that drinks. God bless them all!!
 
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