Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Without a doubt, that subjecting an innocent and vulnerable child to such acts is going to create shame and guilt later on; and then it becomes part of who they are and they carry that everywhere they go. Sexual abuse creates confusion and mistrust of people and intimacy becomes a struggle. It is a tough way to have to live.

But the adult has a mind of their own and are not being forced to do this, right? I am sure the money is great. I am sure the attention is fanominal. I am sure the parties are fun and maybe my discomfort with it is due to my discomfort with my own sexuality. Believe me, I think of that a lot. But its just that there is sooooooo much temptation out there that it makes it difficult to stay focused on a particular person and relationship. The eyes are always wandering; the groins are always aching. The mind seems to always lust. Is this the human condition? Or is it the way it is because we think we need to feed it or else we will die?

We all have escape hatches and the need to feel protected from harm is strong among humans in our time. I am afraid that a lot of people use porn as a substitute for true love that can only come from sharing ourselves with other human beings. And I don't care what anyone says. It may only be a casual thing to some but we are being tricked into believing that we can be satisfied with fiction and we are cheating ourselves out of the human experience.

I'm about to c/p some words from Dr. Phil that were instrumental in me deciding to forgive my husband after he broke his promise and deceived me over many years by looking at porn in secret.  Those who are new to discovering betrayal may not be ready to forgive, but at least keep these thoughts in the back of your mind and I hope at some point you will find them as helpful as I did.  It all only works if you AND your spouse have a willing spirit.  Here are the words that were so valuable to saing my marriage:

You are a Passive Warmonger
Instead of fault-finding or engaging in character assassination, these toxic partners try to thwart their partner by constantly doing that which they deny they are doing -- in such an indirect way as to escape accountability if they are confronted. A passive aggressive person is as much of an overbearing controller as the most aggressive, in-your-face person you could imagine -- only they do it insidiously and underhandedly.

You Resort to Smoke and Mirrors
Because you lack the courage to get real about what is driving the pain and problems in your relationship, you criticize your partner about one thing when you're really upset about another. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced is never real. The real issues will eventually burst forth in a torrid way.

You Will Not Forgive
When you choose to bear anger at your partner, you trap yourself in pain and agony -- and the negative energy can crowd every other feeling out of your heart. If you wallow in resentment and refuse to forgive and move on, you will tear up your own life and your relationship. You can't change the past but you can deal with the resulting feelings and hurt by truly forgiving.

You Are the Bottomless Pit
Are you so needy that you constantly undermine your chances of success? Can you never get enough satisfaction, love, attention or appreciation? Your partner will be frustrated by never seeming able to "fill you up." We all want reassurance, but an insatiable appetite for it never gives your partner any rest. Free yourself from the internalized sense of inadequacy, and find other ways to feel your self-worth and value.

You're Too Comfortable
If you're in a comfort zone, you are failing to meet your responsibilities in the relationship. You aren't contributing, you aren't stimulating, and you aren't energizing. If you don't make a move, it becomes easier and easier to stagnate.

 
You've Given Up
When so many bad spirits crowd your life, you cannot imagine there being any way out. You become so forlorn, lonely, isolated, negative, cynical and far from your core of consciousness that you believe you are trapped. Be strong enough to confront your problems instead of giving up.

What is your payoff?
Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence? Do you fear that if you forgive a partner who truly is remorseful and has changed his/her behavior that you are "letting them get away with it?"

Assess your commitment level.
You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again.

Consider the consequences.
If you have children, your decision will affect them as well. You do have responsibility here for what you do next. You have to make a decision about whether or not justice is best served by allowing your partner to re-earn your trust, or if it's better not to subject your family any longer to the current situation.

Decide if you can choose to forgive.
Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he/she disappoints you. If you find out that he/she strays again, can you handle that?

If you can't forgive, let go.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your partner's face, you will eventually run him/her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain.

The coloring is not my choice and also kind of random.  I was stuck in "you will not forgive".  I considered all the other points and made a conscious choice to forgive.  I literally said to my husband one day "I forgive you".   When I did, he lowered his head for a moment and then looked at me and said "Thank you".  It wasn't always perfect from there on, but we both knew at that moment we were CHOOSING to do all we BOTH could to save our marriage.  I didn't want to commit him, and by extension, our children, to a lifetime sentence.  I wanted both of us to be joyful in our marriage again and not continue to beat him up for transgressing against me.  I am so glad I made that choice.  It is alot more fulfilling to be a true partner than a victim. 

Again, if you are in a place where you can choose forgiveness for your SO looking at porn, do so.  If you are not yet at that place, for whatever reason, just keep these words in mind for the future.  :)  Roxy

I have seen that here many times but this time I think some of it sunk. Especially my level of committiment to make it work; that it takes two to do it; to look the person in the eye and say I forgive you and walk to start over; These things stand out for me this time. But there is also the forgiving of things said, not said, done, not done and things are really not going to change, but what has changed is our feeling on it, we changed.

I especially related to the smoke mirrors. Not saying what you want, saying what you don't want and staying in the confusion because I don't seem to have the self esteem to really do anything constructive to make a difference, other then remain a victim. Its difficult to know when to leave and I think it is especially wise to know that the best time to leave a situation is, never. As long as there is a discomfort, there is a lesson and if we don't confront it now, it will come back.

If I leave my husband without really telling him why, I will repeat the same relationship down the line; unfortunately, so will he.Until we get it, we keep repeating the same mistakes. Its the universes sick sense on humor, is all.

And I especially liked ....."and if you can't forgive that person and let them live in peace, then go". This is truly how I feel. I don't think I will be able to get over things because I don't think we are both able or willing to take the time to work things out constructively, but that is not fair to keep in my prison so I can keep witholding sex and then justifiying that because he looks at porn as a waiting lover.

I wish I can still think like that.  But, I'm not so sure that everyone feels shame and guilt about the things they do. I think there are alot of people that just do bad things and never think twice about it.  I doubt that many people love their porn.  Porn is never about substituting love.   Its just about getting off. 

I just read an article about the effects of porn on some peoples minds and after a while they claim to start seeing their lover as a potential porn star. For example, they are not really seeing the person they are with for who they are but more sexually become the image that is portrayed in porn acts. I can see where that can happen very easily. Even though it is fantasy, the mind does not differentiate.

Only our hearts know when we are making love versus masturbating, whether alone or with the use of someone else. And it is such a personal intimate feeling that can never be duplicated by some actors. But it really scares me in a way how so many people are walking around with perverse thoughts that there is little unique or special about the person that is right in front of them.

I also read how so many men and a few women don't feel better after porn use and the need does not go away like it does when you are physically and emotionally with another human being. Which can lead that person seeking more gratification only to be disappointed; that is how relationships get screwed up. I cannot believe that my husband is so caught up in porn that he does not think to step up and fight for what he says he wants; what he blames me for him not having......sex. Yet, he goes to porn like a waiting lover day in and day out.

I want so much to throw in the towel and then again I don' t want to be judge of anyone. A man may want his porn, but a woman wants a man that wants her. Its pretty simple but when you throw in porn it seems the guys forget they have a woman to tend to.....heh heh.

I get hit on quite often and it is a little bit of a pain in the butt when I meet a guy and tell him what I do and he says he wants a massage. I know in the back of his mind he is tossing the idea of the possibility of sex. Now, when I would ask for a massage from a guy, I would think it would be a massage and if there is an attraction, I can see the heightened arousal, but it should not and would not lead to sex. That is my profession and I take a lot of pride in my expertise to heal people. I can see where my husband might find it a little threatening if he knew I was massaging good looking guys, and I do sometimes. Even though I remain professional it can be stimulating. I have never thought of any of these guys while being with a lover and  would think the ability to separate like that is a form of neurosis. Yet that is what happens to many men.

If my husband asked me to stop doing massage on good looking guys I would understand and I would refrain from doing so. As a matter of fact, I don't take on those kinds of clients where there might be an attraction because I don't want to put myself in a sticky? situation. So I say, what is so difficult about giving up porn for the sake of being put in a different kind of sticky situation where temptation, although not carried, is voluntarily obtained?