I don't know if anyone will remember me, but I'm Amber from Australia - I posted a few times on the board in July, after discovering my boyfriend Ben's hidden stash of porn ( the third I'd found in two years). Darcylove or Roxybelle might remember me? Anyway, we had a huge upheaval in our relationship, though I decided to stay with him - part of this decision rested on that I believed that simply leaving him (without support) would not at all help his sexual obsession, and instead may even fuel it. I have recently begun to trust him again, though not let down my guard totally... which has lead to me discovering his attempts to access porn on the internet this weekend, during which I have been at my parents.
Part of my condition of staying with him was that I was going to put a 'net nanny' type program on the computer which I did. It restricts 'adult content' websites whilst still allowing him to use the internet, and has been great - for me, anyway.
Ben has recently discovered You Tube which has made me very wary indeed, hence the reasons I have become more controlling, and been checking his online activities. (a problem I will probably discuss later, or in another post). So of course, when I got home from my parents this morning (it's now monday here, 1.22pm) I checked up on his activites. He visited YouTube of course, veiwed a couple of videos (though I don't know exactly which ones, as the McAfee program only reports 'websites visited' and 'websites blocked', but they can't have been too bad or I think the program would have blocked them....I hope). He's then tried to visit a porn site.
After our last - and biggest - 'i found porn again' fight, even though I knew he would always be addicted to porn, I didn't think he'd relapse so soon. He'll be home from work in half an hour, and thankfully I have calmed down enough from my initial shock-dismay-anger phase this morning to the 'acceptance and resolution' one, where I am planning to sit him down and talk to him about this (as this will be the fourth time, I am beginning to get over the shock quicker each time). We don't have enough money to be able to put him, or myself through counselling which is a real shame. I did buy Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue book, though unfortunately Ben does not enjoy reading and so hasn't touched. Of course, I read it cover to cover!
Please excuse this post for being rambly, or anything else. I know realise I should never have left the board, and won't do so again! Without the support of anyone else, it can be so hard to keep it together can't it...it's so amazing to be able to talk so intimately with other people in the same position. I truly believe that Ben has a problem, a disease, and whether or not it's my responsiblity to help him manage it I am still trying to work out. We love each other so much, we're simply best friends and do/go everywhere together. We've lived together for 18 months and are practically inseperable...and we are on the cusp of getting engaged.
But do I want to spend my life with someone who has such a disease? It's the horrible question I try to force myself to answer, but simply can't. I just take each day as it comes.
I had a thought this morning - I think that perhaps being only 'accountable' to me may not be the best thing. As we can't afford a counsellor, I was considering that perhaps I should talk to Ben's Mum about it. She's an amazing woman (she has five boys!!) and treats me as a part of the family. She is very reasonable and has gone through a lot (two divorces). I think if Ben felt that he had someone else to talk to about it (his Mum) then she could support him through it too. They are very close, but she has no idea at all that we have had such problems, as I always put on a brave face no matter how I am feeling.
Can anyone give me advice on this? I know it would betray his confidence to go behind his back and tell his mother, but I truly feel that if Ben is to - at the very least -control this for the rest of his life, even if I'm not in it, he needs someone who loves him but that he can be accountable to also to support him. I also can't carry this burden alone.
Thanks everyone
:) Amber
