Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Darcy, thank you for bringing forth this to the board. I didn't want to combine such saddness to the board where there is already so much struggle and suffering for many.

I stuck it out with Mom until almost the very end. When I went home at 4AM that morning, I looked at her before I left and could not kiss her goodbye. The pull was so strong to keep a distance, it was very unsettling. Now, I know what I was seeing was her spirit leaving and she was not present which is why suddenly I felt such discomfort. When I went back to hospital to see her for the last time, she was passed already....when I saw her.....she looked like her again.

I am convinced our intuitions are 99.9 times correct now. We know things without knowing why. We feel things without words. Our words confuse our intuitions. Listen more to your hearts, your instincts, and less to what people say. Look for truth in what they do.

I spent the day with my sister and neice. We talked and cried then took a drive into the country.  I took them to an outdoor shopping outlet that is very beautiful and made sure we all bought something to remember Mommy. My sister got 3 pair of pants...she never buys anything for herself. My neice bought a really cook bag. She loves accessories. I came close to buying a watch on a necklace, but the guy couldn't put a battery in it. So I went home without anything. Then we went to dinner and relaxed until it was time for them to go back to the city.

I thought Mommy would want us to be together and spending time grieving but I know she wouldn't want us to be miserable. She was never selfish, ever. So, in memory of Mommy, we tried to laugh, between the sighs and the tears yesterday and overall, I think it was a success. We all hugged and said how now this is our family and in memory of Mommy, we will be here for one another, until God decides otherwise.

Mommy is being creamated. These were her wishes.

I can't belive this is over. I tried so hard to keep her alive. Three hospitals in 6 weeks. Please pray for me now because I feel somewhat responsible for her death. I am questioning my selfish actions to try to help her.........selfish......because I should have done it two years ago. I was too caught up in the drama of my life to see that she needed me. I came too soon, too late. Please pray that I am able to come to terms that I did the right thing.

Thanks for your words and your friendships.

Kim

After work today, I stopped by and did some reading up on this issue...porn/sex addicts...I read that book that was mentioned here, "This is not Love"....and another one, "Addiction is a Choice", by Jeffrey A. Schaler, PHD...I found both books very educational...I do not say one is right or the other is wrong...I'm still trying to understand this...The one that says it's a choice had quotes like "People are Responsible For Their Deliberate and Conscious Behavior".....and "Addiction is a Myth"...While heavy consumption of all the different addictions, which is foolish and often self-destructive, it is a matter of personal choice...and that viewing/performing, you are supporting an industry that harms you and others....and that viewing porn, etc. is a coping mechanism, connected with survival, w/o ex addict's would unravel and regulate their emotional life...So, it's interesting to see the two different views on this subject...and they don't call it exactly an addiction, i'ts a 'habitual behavior'....I'd also like to note in this book, they mentioned that these counselors/therapists, etc...is making billions of money, by putting labels to everything...Please understand, I'm not agree or disagreeing with ANYTHING...just an observation...I myself had parents that drank, parents that didn't say "I love you"/hugs etc..and disowned me two times in my life...but, it was MY choice to NOT do something destructive to myself or others...I would seek help, before I do that...and IF I didn't see that at first, it wouldn't take me too long in realizing it...and I'm going through my life, without feeling loved by my parents..but, please don't misinterpret me in what I"m saying...I DO WANT TO understand, and I DO empathize with the feelings, emotions, and thought patterns of an addict...I work in Spec. Ed...not that it matters, but I feel the reason WHY I do, is because I'm a VERY feeling, caring indiviual..I just needed to understand...and I'm beginning too...I understand we ALL handle things differently...I guess my question would be this....(and it's just a question) IF a man is a porn addict, and yet he has a loving wife and kids...then, why use porn?  If it's true, it stems from needed to 'feel good'...why doesn't his family make him feel good?  Isn't there other ways one can think of, in 'feeling good'...or dealing with painful emotions or situations...?  and what is it in THEIR life, that THEY feel they need to 'feel good all the time", OR I'm sure they're not always dealing with painful emotions/or situations...and yet, they still would have to view porn or whatever all the time?  This is what I don't understand...we as humans, just isn't going to feel good all the time...as a matter of fact, a lot of times we feel 'not so good'....but, we just keep on going..bad days, good days...ok days...we feel the pain, and we cry it out...just my thoughts...thanks for your post and helping me to understand...  Dee

Is that they don't 'cry it out'.  Instead, they 'choose' (whether consciously or unconsciously) NOT TO FEEL those emotions that they deem 'bad'.  What we learn, after some serious reflection and therapy, is that there is no such thing as a 'bad' emotion;  they are what they are, and we have those emotions specifically to protect us.  'Bad' emotions should be felt just as readily as 'good' emotions, but addicts DO NOT FEEL THEM.

Personally, I honestly could not identify emotions that I was feeling in early recovery, because I had never allowed myself to feel them since I was 13, when my porn addiction began.  I honestly didn't know what sadness, loneliness, etc felt like, because I never wanted to feel them.

As for therapists making 'billions of dollars', it's a service, and yes, it might be a billion dollar industry, but based only on my therapists lifestyle, I can promise you that I'm not making any plans to leave my current employment situation to jump into the field of therapy/counseling.  Also, that argument is a little flimsy when you consider that the guy who wrote the book where you read that argument is making lots of money as an author of said book.  My therapist genuinely cares about my personal development and recovery, and while I'm sure there are rogue therapists out there, I KNOW that mine has my best interests in mind.

Anyway, good discussion.

I believe that any time one partner is seeking a some kind of emotional connection or sexual gratification with sombody outside the relationship counts as cheating even if there is no actual physical contact.  It certainly takes his focus off of you and your relationship if he is having x-rated chats with other women.  You do have the right to feel betrayed.  Of course only he can choose to change his behavior.  And if he is lying to his therapist, I'd have to wonder how serious he is about truly getting help.  Is he seeing a therapist because of the cyber chatting issue or is there something more? 

I have learned in reading here and reading books, his need for the porn and cyber stuff isn't about anything that is wrong with you.  It is about him.  Of course, this stuff always makes us feel like there is something wrong with us, and that we are not enough, but that is probably not the case. 

Keep posting here and asking questions.  There are a lot of people here that have more experience and knowlege and great advice than I do.