Like anything else, there comes a time when we have to accept we are powerless over the situation, the person or thing. If you were addicted to something, it would be you that would need to accept your powerlessness over the substance, then make moves to move beyond it and into a better future. In this case, your husband is your addiction. You are addicted to his behaviors. You need to accept that you are powerless over him and even more, you have to truly accept that you are addicted to being with someone that you are powerless over.
If that doesn't confuse you any, let me try some more! :)
Try looking at how it is affecting you. Are you mad? Sad? Scared? It sounds like you are scared by your note. Why are you scared of this and when did you feel this way the last time? And more importantly, how was the outcome?
In my marriage of 7 years, my husband looked at porn and dabbled with phone sex. Now, does that mean he is addicted? No. But it does mean he is doing something within this relationship that is possibly going to weaken it or cheapen it or sabotage it so that it fails. When I saw his behaviors my first reaction was upset, anger, disappointment and then I realized, it was really fear that I was feeling. My fear came from being rejected and abandoned as a young child, then learning it is not wise to expect people to be honest, nice, and safe. In my world, people were the "other", and then there was me. So, I learned that even though people say one thing, if they do another, its ok, because as long as I trust myself who cares what anyone else is doing? Sometimes independance comes at a very high price.
Now, do you want to be so independant in your marriage that you don't care about what he does, what he thinks, what he feels, and what he desires? Being independant is for people that stay single. He is acting independantly by his actions He does not seem to care about how what he does is affecting those around him. A narcissist never thinks about changing themselves, just changing everyone and everything else. Be careful of apologies that don't go beyond his words; be careful of his temporary actions or pleas to be forgiven - they can be laced with more lies and more deceptions. Do not be fooled by his tears.....my husband cried a few times on occasion when I mentioned "leaving"......his tears dried up and nothing he did changed! He was waiting for me to forgive him so that I can continue to let him have his way!!!!!! Be careful of the manipulations.
Surround yourself with people that you trust to be honest with you and do not have any other ulterior motive but to see you through this and be your friend. You need to see that you feel like you are going crazy because you are living with a sick man.........be careful that you don't blame yourself and then go on and on and on and on about how crazy you are and convince yourself that you don't see what is right in front of you.
I left my husband 7 months ago and no amount of money in the world could fast foward my progress as far as recovering from his emotional abuse and psychological head games; he looked at porn while we were married, he looked at it before he met me, I am sure he continues, although not certain. Either way, I am pursuing a healthy, loving, intimate relationship with someone that is going to be able to contain themselves long enough that love is not built while one is masturbating, but built on time together and being vulnerable together.......unless of course that love? ........is narcissistic love.
Good luck and if you have any questions, you know where to find me.. :)
