Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

I guess I don't know what direction I'm looking forward to.  My husband has quit going online, at least that's what he says, and I have been checking, but there are ways to fool even the most savvy detective.  I need to stop checking on him, it is not conducive to a good relationship.  The porn stopped (at least I thought it did) 15 years ago.  After that, I blamed the kids for the popups and the emails etc.  Then they grew up and left the house and I just caught him.  I came home and he didn't hear me.  I am ANGRY about his behavior, and for several reasons.  I had a double mastectomy five years ago, and he hasn't even been near me since three years before that.  He took Viagra, etc, but nothing seemed to work.  I just resigned myself to a sexless life, and the mastectomy removed him further away from me.  He treats me well, works hard, loves the kids and grandkids, but is not plugged in to our life.  Then I discovered that he has been using porn to excite himself all this time.  I'm not afraid of supporting myself, I can.  I'm not afraid of being alone, I don't fear lonliness.  I am in mourning for his voluntary omission from any intimacy or involvement.  I am tired of living a life without any affection, and I am sickened by his escalation into porn and worse and worse images.  It would seem that it takes far more than the porn he used to be excited by and he was viewing more violent and degrading images.  Conflicting feelings and grief are my flip-floppoing emotions.  Thanks for the advice.

hi needtobelieve

Most of us come here feeling angry, betrayed, shocked, confused, misled, manipulated, disgusted and hurt. Any or all of these emotions are normal.

When porn is used regularly it is about him and his inability to be intimate. It is an intimacy disease. It is his need for a fix and his need to run from problems and emotions, instead of dealing with them. It is self comfort or self medicating. It is masking of reality that he does not want to face. It is a coping skill. It is not even about sex. It is his problem and his to fix. Most porn addicts started using porn at an early age and most often predates the marriage you are now in. It has nothing to do with you but of course affects you and your life.

The right thing to do is confront if you find he is using. We can't make them stop but we can stand up for our beliefs and what we want or need in a marriage. They can stop if they want to, but need help to recover from all the mental and emotional damage caused by porn. They lose reality and check out of daily living. That is why you are missing the affection and emotional responses. It is also a progressive disease and they do escalate as to the type of porn they need for their fix.

I found it useful to learn about the disease. Patrick Carnes has good books on the subject and a website.

A counselor or therapist that deals with porn and sex addictions could help you sort thru some of this. No-porn.com would give you a wealth of info and support. On the partners forum there the first thread is all info for new comers that have partners that are porn addicts. You will get good advice, good support and good info. There are no arguments about the damage porn does. A lot of us and a lot of therapists have suggested the pick porn or the marriage approach.

I hope something here helps you. We do need to recover from all the feelings this brings about. Good support, knowledge, talking about it at a supportboard, journalling, counseling, a trusted friend, venting, - it all helps.

take care jljs

In the beginning, I questioned my own sexuality, meaning, was I content, satisfied with it? Did I like my body? What didn't I like about it? etc. I tried to explore if it was possible, that my dissatisfaction with my husbands porn use was a personal issue. Could it have been insecurity?? OH MY not that! :)

 

Then I looked at the source of my contemption. My husband. Was he so hot that he was sacrificing himself to be with me when he could really be with someone that looked like they did? Well, when I got my answer, I realized that it was a choice he was making, somewhat like if a person likes red over white cars...in this case, it was porn/fantasy over intimacy/reality. Now, can a person like this be able to flip flop back and forth and do both? I don't know. Maybe some. But from what I can tell, fantasy believers ? know they can't believe what they are seeing to be real, so they have to then go into another place, a place of being emotionally abusive or neglectful to others because of guilt and their own fears.

 

Its not so cut and dry, this porn use stuff.

 

When I think about the times that I look(ed) at porn, I remember it to be exciting for the most part, but that was up until I hit my 20's. Life took off and I was having sex the way I wanted so there was absolutely no need for porn. Were there things that turned me on so much? Nope. Nothing in particular, which is why I believe the drive to progress further, the variety, which further drives the need for variety. Then comes in the laziness of it all. Just flip on the switch, lay back, pull that thang out, (sorry for the graphics, I am going somewhere with this, I hope), and go into lala land. Push aside all reality, its ME time! How long do you think that mindset can go on without it affecting a relationship????? Hmmm.?

 

I don't want to overwhelm you, I type very fast :) ......I hope this gives you something to think about for today. Take care.

 

 

Hi Kimi,

 

I love your posts :)

 

I realized that it was a choice he was making, somewhat like if a person likes red over white cars...in this case, it was porn/fantasy over intimacy/reality

 

But from what I can tell, fantasy believers ? know they can't believe what they are seeing to be real

 

Actually, I believe the attraction is that it is real....they are real people.

 

 

 

 

I like your post too.! :)

But the attraction is one sided, therefore, fantasy. They think the sex they see is real, and it is. I remember  my husband telling me my stomach was fat and then I would point out his flaws. Is this what happens when they see over and over again perfection? Yep. My idea of a perfect lover is someone that is a good lover......not someone that dreams about good sex.  Actually the act of sex is real, but its not happening to them....yet the end result is that is did! Yet, if they look around, they are alone and the only one that satisfied them was themselves.It has to be a very lonely existance..

I like your post too.! :)

But the attraction is one sided, therefore, fantasy. They think the sex they see is real, and it is. I remember  my husband telling me my stomach was fat and then I would point out his flaws. Is this what happens when they see over and over again perfection? Yep. My idea of a perfect lover is someone that is a good lover......not someone that dreams about good sex.  Actually the act of sex is real, but its not happening to them....yet the end result is that is did! Yet, if they look around, they are alone and the only one that satisfied them was themselves.It has to be a very lonely existance..

Thanks to everyone for the support.  It's nice not to have to defend myself.

 

At this point, I think that I need to realize that me talking to my husband about this problem is not going to do anything except drive him farther into this isolation that he walks around in.  He thinks that just not going onlline and not masturbating in the computer room is recovery.  I guess he doesn't think that the skewed vision he has of sex is anything that needs to be changed.  His way of looking at things has always been, "I quit stabbing you, why are you still bleeding?".  Shortly after we married, I discovered that he and his father swapped porn movies, and he thought this was perfectly all right, doesn't every family do it?  After we had a major blowout and I loaded all his stashed movies into a duffel bag (?!) and threw them into a local dumpster, we discussed it and I was convinced that it was over.  I did  not understand the complexity of porn, and the sinister little roots in our lives.  It's been there all along, it never stopped, I was just trusting him, believing that he didn't have that urge anymore.  I thought it was that simple.  I guess I never understood about deceiving another person on that deep a level. 

 

I am recovering, with bouts of sleeplessness that send me straight to this message board.  I have good realtionships with my children, we have discussed this problem at length, and I now know that they  both caught my husband on several occasions after I thought it was over, but never said anything to me.  My husband is a good man, with an illness.  He didn't leave me when I had my breasts removed, and I'm not going to desert him, but I won't tolerate another single image of some little girl in those positions in my house.  I am fully plugged into what is happening in my home now, and the blinders are off.  If he doesn't get help, I have resolved to get myself into counseling and putting myself in a position to be single again.  I do not want to do it, but I won't live with a man who looks at women that way. He is either going to get healthy or get gone.  Keep talking to me folks, other people make me feel strong when I'm not feeling so tough.  Thanks.

I also didn't sleep for a few years. Just knowing he was choosing porn over me was a real blow to the ego, even though he said if I only paid him some more attention, he would give feel like giving me sex. It is hard to see when someone is making it all about them. But we do that from time to time. Its when it gets out of hand, not balanced, out of control, that the inabilty to ask for and get what you need is squashed. There is a fine line between having to ask for affection and then getting it, versus, getting it naturally. Some people need more from their spouses, in different areas, wherever they feel the deficit it. In this case,  they are obviously perfectly capable of getting what they need, but it is at the expense of us being shortchanged because they are giving us only parts of themselves. What kind of fun is that?. They can give us what we need, but only a limited amount.  Is this selfish? Maybe. But why the heck be in an intimate relationship with someone if they are not going to provide satisfaction? Its not just sex when we are with someone that we respect and like. It is unhealthy to have sex with someone that you don't respect. Its survival of the fittest and if we keep doing the same thing, yet expect different results, then who is being foolish?

 

I wonder if men and women really think differently of sex. I think men proclaim not to care because it protects them from being vulnerable. What happens is they create and then sabotage exactly what it is they want. I don't think there is anything wrong with having strong morals and a not so casual approach to sex. Sex can be raw,  but feeding the mind only with raw sex will create an illusion of fantasy. If a person lives in a world of illusion in regard to sex, intimacy is going to be shortchanged, as well.

Maybe he didn't leave you when you had your surgery, but it was totally out of your control. You did not CHOOSE to be ill, did you? Using the excuse that you had your breast removed does not mean he is allowed to CHOOSE to be sexually and emotionally abusive and negligent of his duties and committment to you, the woman he supposedly loves. When a person says they love, do they do things, say things, that show you it is true? Or is it just words sometimes followed up by some small endeavor.....?  Porn has made sex easier then going to a store and having to purchase the stuff. Internet allowed access to purchasing such things in the privacy of your home. People can hide and live behind their walls leaving the fear of being found out a thing of the past. But who is kidding who.

 

Many marriages are disintegrating because of porn and phone sex and internet activity. Strip clubs have been around for eons. Women and now men, will sell their bodies for a price so that they can live financially better and use their looks to use people. People are drawn to beauty and naked good bodies is attractive. A man can look at a beautiful woman and still love his wife and she will know it. Woman need to learn how to take better care of themselves when it comes to assertiion. Something I am working on right now. :) You have to assert yourself and know that your needs are as important as anyone elses' and that you do matter. Its one time around, girlfriend, do you want to live with the fear that he will abandon you, even if it is emotionally? or do you want to go after people who really like you for who you are and won't use you as a punching bag....

 

Good luck. Kimi :)

 

 

 

 

 

I had a strange thing happen two days ago.  H came home, found me on this website and was upset that I was talking to other people.  I explained that I needed support and his silence was just not helping me. I also told him that I knew more about my friends than I did about him, even after 20 years of being married. 

 

 I told him that I needed support and he didn't understand that not being on the computer and mb means he's cured.  He says his counselor says he's not addicted, he's only been doing it for about 25 years.  What kind of counselor says that?  I think either he is not disclosing what really has been happening or he's just lying.  And from what I've read, the porn and mb and not being truthful are somewhat connected.  In fact, he just came by me typing and said "Boy, you sure spend a lot of time on that computer".  Does anyone else get flak about discussing this problem on this board, or getting support?

 

Why would that offend him?  Once again, thanks for your input.

Hello again.

 

I can tell you why he is getting offended by you being on this board. He fears you getting better and stronger and if you do he will have to change or loose you. Addicts surround themselves with people they can use their drug of choice. Your presence on this board jepordizes his porn usage. If you are looking for places of support COSA may also be a place you are interested in. You can find them on the web too.

 

Stay strong and good luck!