Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Been there done that.  More than once I suppose.   It took some time, a long time to learn a few things.   Like the fact that I don't have to like something or agree with something, but I also don't have to bare the fight all by myself.   My life speaks for itself.  I don't have to be the "one and only" one fighting the battle....sometimes the battle is won simply by the life I choose to live.....not so much winning the war against anything.    Besides, I already know the outcome of it all.   So why bother fighting with everyone who doesn't see it my way.

It just the same with the kids, they are men now.   I did my job,....still am doing that job in various ways with them, but only when they ask me for that.  Not out of obligation that I am a mother, but more out of them needing me to be there as the friend they will never loose.   It's nice to know I can trust God a lot more then ever before.   He's in charge and the burden of it all rests on a lot bigger shoulders than I have.   It's not always easy to do that, but it is the truth about it all.

I don't know what troubles plague you now, but we go through things for a time and for a purpose, and that is usually something we don't ever know about until we've finally learned the big lessons.  One thing is that it's always for the betterment of us....we become better.    So it's all for the good.   All we can do sometimes is simply show up and let God do the rest. 

The "fight against porn"....well, I think I've put it all out there....and I will continue to do so when I can.   I know I don't have to look far to see what damage it's done.   And I don't wish anyone the harm I know it can cause.  But sometimes, I also have to just sit back and let the world of all that do it's thing so others will and can learn the same things I've learned....you've learned.   Sometimes, it doesn't take me or you to be the one.   Who do we think we are anyway?  LOL.....Rest in this, no matter what.  There will come a time in this life where many many others will finally get sickened of it all and start to fight for what is right.   I do know that it does begin with women and how we deal with it all that others will find the answers.   And I sure as heck will NOT be one that this junk has power or control over my life.   It's gotten enough attention on it's own.   It really does mean NOTHING, nothing but a thing.    Read about it....it's all in the prophetic words that indicate a lot more is going on in our world than just a few scenes about degrading women and life.

It's ok.....we both went on a bit.   That's what this is here for.

Luv~

Listen up!    God did not intend for anyone to be put in this kind of situation.   This isn't just about your vows you know....it's about your husbands vows to you as well.    First of all pornography is infidelity, not to mention a whole host of other issues it is, one being the degredation of marriage and women in general.    You become what you FEED into your self.   If this man is feeding his addictions, and he has more than one of them, then he is what he is feeding.   We all have the "good and bad" but you become what you feed the most.  

It is clearly a type (form) of abuse when one partner will not, refuses to see or hear, or respect the feelings and concerns of the other partner.   Have you voiced this to him?  I am sure you have to not avail.   

It's amazing to me how many women married a second or third time will feel more dedication to staying married because what others "might" think of her should she NOT choose to stay inside a terrible marriage.  And yet, I have less respect for anyone who would ALLOW themselves to be battered down emotionally and stay in misery for the sake of "looking" the part.    Stop, think and realize that you have more value in yourself as a human being to allow someone to dominate what you know is morally right or wrong. 

Yes, it sounds like you rushed into something that probably should have taken a year, at least, of waiting until you could see this person past was and is really the past.   But it's NOT THE PAST when he chooses to live the past life over and over again.  You are risking a lot.....not just morally or self respect....but the LAW has a lot to do with what he is doing wrong.   Sure it may take some time, but it will catch up to him, and you know it.  Do you want to be involved in that part too?  Then what humiliation will you be explaining to yourself and others?  

Get help, seek others, go somewhere that you can receive the counsel you need, if not to stay in this marriage you know is going nowhere....then get the help so that you realize why are choosing to seek out this sort of treatment of yourself. 

You asked for advice....here it is.    This was rushed, too fast, and you need to back out gracefully and move on to a higher ground.  Don't wait years.   Life is too short and there are way too many good guys out here seeking someone who is just like them.....worth it.    Aren't you worth it?

Luv~

Thank you Luv,

I like the advice,,I want to hear what others think,,, because I want to make the right decicision. My heart is so heavy,,,,and I believe that when your hearts heavy,,,God is talking to ya. I made a huge mistake thats for sure,,,letting it happen, and now I need to do what's right and stand up for myself. Would be a bit easier to deal with if there were just one issue--but here there are many. Do you think the many phone calls he gives me throught the day are really ones to check up on me too?? Cause they really don't say anything, and when he knows I am a bit stressed--thats when he will end it with an "I LOVE YOU " ! But then  nothing changes. He does things behind my back (thats the porn) and he has lied to me, many times. I have caught him doing it,,and then he gets mad,,,and end of discussion. Money is sometimes an issue too,,,some weeks it seems he spends a lot more than need be.

So again,,,I thank you ! I really, honestly feel I know what I need to do !

Have a great day !

DB

My husband calls me on his morning break, then again at lunch.....and even if he knows he's going to be working late he calls.    He also ends every call with "I love you".    But, I used to feel like you do in the beginning, many years ago.  Wondering why all the "luv u's" and calls....."has he done something wrong"?

With my hubby, he wasn't doing anything wrong, but everything right.   I was just so scared to trust again, after many long times of being abused.     So that can't say anything is "wrong" with your man, unless you seriously feel he's only saying and doing all this to appease his own guilt for what he knows he is doing that harms you or this marriage.  Which may very well be the case.    Over all it's how he treats you on the constant whole basis.    If this is easier for him to acknowledge "love" over the phone, but finds it hard to express it in person when you two are together.....that also says a lot as well.   Intimacy issues come into play when a person can only say or "be" intimate when they are not actually with the person.  Porn is very much like this, as you know.    People tend to seperate love from sex inside the porn head.

And the money thing......plz, give me one marriage on the plate that hasn't had those issues from time to time.  You have to figure out with him what the boundaries of spending will be and which ever one of you is the best one to take charge of financial issues should just do it with regard (always) for the other person involved.  His is yours, and yours is his, don't forget that.  If HE doesn't feel there is any obligation to talk openly about spending then he has a serious issue that will pick away at this marriage.   Unless that changes, nothing will.   But money is like number 2 in marriage problems, so you are normal to experience this.  I am no pro at that, because I have a bad track record in that area too.   So my hub and I have an agreement that money is combined, and we never ever spend 100.00 without the consult of both of us.   We also never spontaneously spend when we go out, like brand new tv's or anything without going home and sleeping on it first.    Often times we end up not doing things stupid if we do this.  And unless you are both living debt free, spending should be a no no anyway.....but who am I to say that?  No one. 

I only know things from my life experience.  I've been married 25 years and still would marry him again tomorrow!   But we've had our challenges too.  Nothing about porn....that was way back in my past.   But HE had to pay a lot of the price for that past too.   Hopefully you'll find out if you are basing too much on your own past and not looking at him as he needs to be seen by you.   You could be doing more damage with the thoughts and feelings that you think are there, but aren't really.   Think hard about what is real to your situation and what could be fixed or solved, and what you know in your heart cannot change or won't. 

What ever you do, do NOT stay in a relationship that is based on lies or deceit.....as you first described.  Stick around and talk about it.

Luv~

I just had to mention this as well.     There is nothing wrong with "just raw sex" with your husband.   Sometimes, it's all the "fuss" that men really don't want to mess with....plain ole' just gettin it done....type of thing.  Nothing wrong on occassions for that.   Sex to men, sometimes, is as physical as using the bathroom.  It's a physical need....pure and simple.   BUT, if it's like that ALL the time.....that's when it becomes a "chore" for women.   Kinda feels like a piece of meat...take it or leave it kinda thing.   That shouldn't be like that all the time.  A little "nasty" stuff or spontaneous is really great.   Something he doesn't expect and has nothing to do with "romance" as women would like to imagine all the time.

That being said, women have a lot more power in the bedroom than they give themselves credit for.  You do have the "right" and obligation to yourself to take control over what you want and need in the bedroom.....or living room or on the back porch.  You'd be surprised just how "romantic" a man will get when he's approached agressively with what you want to do and if you show him exactly, specifically how you want and need to be touched.   There is nothing wrong with shutting up and showing up.    The less talk and the more teaching the better they "get it".

Luv~

I really don't even know what to say anymore. I am very confused, unhappy, and feel very stuck.  I hate the fact that I have let men change who I am. But, me and my morals have always tried to make things right. I stayed married unhappily for 20 years the first time because I felt stuck, and then there were kids. To be decieved and everything else after all. Now I feel I have done it again. My husband now does have a generous heart to a point. He doesn't care what I buy really, but I dont abuse that aspect either, cause I am not like that. He is good to my kids. He conversates with people. He will help with supper. From the zillion talks we have had...he doesn't want to have to be the one to choose. He wants to do what he wants to do and for me to be happy about it and with him, and just take things the way they are and thats it. He has told me that since I get upset with him when he wants to do his things, then, this relationship just isn't going to work. Cause he likes to do his thing, and I just don't make it any fun for him. I have heard that more than once. I have said bitter things too---after he has lied to me and made me so mad---and I hate that part of me. But I have never said this isn't going to work. So, I would get over being mad and things were ok,,,cause I would try to live with it. But I can't,,,I am  just totally unhappy now. 

So much for me not saying much---lol !

Thanks again !

DB

I think there is something wrong when thats all you get. I tried other things,,we have bought other things. I told him how I felt,,and there is nothing. I can do all I want to him,,,and I have for awhile....to get nothing in return. I know you not suppose to do it so that you get some in return,,,but when that goes on for months, and you still don't get any??? what woman would continue to keep going just for the hell of it if she would want some in return?? The few remarks he has made about my body,,I am not really comfortable naked around him either. He will deny it to this day,,if you ask him...but he said them. And doesn't come back with anything positive about my body. And I am overweight,,but he knew that from the beginning. Doesn't help get the body back in shape when you get no positive feed back. He does know that my body isn't like the ones he watches on tv either,,but says thats ok,,,but doesn't make me feel its ok. I don't get looked at, at all,,,no matter what I wear or how revealing....but the other girls where ever they are get looked at. Top to bottom. He has nothing to say about that either.

Venting once again !

DB

Through this forum, there is no way for me to smack the smooly outa ya, but listen anyway.   You've said a lot here, and that's good to get all this out.  But what you are looking for through him is not healthy for you at all.  You admit that you are overweight, but he knew that from the beginning.....What does that mean?  From my point of view you are looking for his approval, his acceptance of you the way you are physically, and yet you can't even accept yourself and you certainly are not giving yourself much approval either.  How do you see yourself?  How do you feel about your body, your sexuality?   Is there something you could do to feel good, not just in the "looks" department, but over  all?   Are you tumbling down into a hole where you think it's impossible to feel and be and look better?   Are you happy with what you see in yourself?  Is there some small way that you could do something that would make you happier with just being you? 

You would feel more confident about yourself if you were doing something to change from within too ya know!   NOT FOR him, but for yourself.   As much as we don't like to admit it....of course we change, and we are not going to look like 21 years old forever.  BUT we can take in what we have lived and appreciate it more and give more back to ourselves by doing something not only that makes us look better, but feel better.  A bounce in your step comes back, your endurance gets better.....and sexually, we KNOW we are good and beautiful.....no matter what the years give us.  

Don't wait for his opinion to change.....change your own opinion of yourself first.  Get busy doing something that does make your day brighter.....be good to you for a while.   Start slow, take a brisk walk.   Give it five minutes today, and 10 minutes tomorrow....pretty soon you are looking at 30 minutes.......

Do it please.  Check back in later.

Luv~

Im just wondering if Im supposed to think its ok if my husband looks at porn and what I should do if its not?

I know that you cant just jump and get a divorce but it really bothers me that he does it and it bothers me more that he is never honest about it unless Ive actually got proof . He thinks that what I dont know wont hurt me but I always find out.

The real question you have to ask yourself is what is your personal stand, or belief about porn, and is he aware about how you feel on this?  Does it affect your relationship with him?  How is your sex life with your husband?   And to him.....what purpose does it serve him?  Why is he seeking this out in the first place?  Can he or does he "go without porn" and why if it's "ok" with him does he feel he has to hide it, if he is hiding it?  "Actually got proof" indicates to me you have to seek out and find this proof and he must be hiding it from you or at least not talking to you.  

When did this start?  What changes happened that prompted his want to seek this out?  Is it something he feels he can't talk to you about?   What can you do to get him to openly talk to you about why he's using this stuff?   Do you approach this with a "shame shame" attitude or get angry and hurt so much that he can't be open about this with you for fear of your reaction?   Is or does he find that it's easier to seek out porn than to explore fantasy with you inside your marriage.

Does he know your belief system about this?  Is this the same as cheating in your marriage? 

Divorce over this is wrong, not without truly digging into some answers, and calmly expressing your feelings on this to him.   Because literally this is a form of cheating without all the mess or fuss.   Does he realize this?  To a man, they can and do seperate feelings from the sexual fantasy.....in other words this doesn't at affect his love or desire for you.....UNLESS.....you can actually say it has done that....and how has that made you feel.   Either way you look at this, he should most certainly CARE that this bothers you.   You are his wife, the love of his life.....he should normally want to keep you from harm, no matter where or what causes that harm to you.   That should matter to him.    You have to wonder why that does not matter to him at this time.   Has the porn use become more valuable to him than his relationship with you....and why did that happen.

Sit down, and write down exactly how this makes you feel.   Even those feelings that might not make any sense to him...much less you.   Put it on paper and read it, the re-read it....and then when you can approach this calmly with him....do it.   Don't just expect him to know that you believe this is wrong, or that it effects your relationship.  Because truly he may not even realize this right now.   Give him the opportunity to understand and see those feelings.

Stay in touch here and let us know more.

Luv~