Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Ok, let me try again.....the 1967 goes after your name?  I wish I hadn't deleted all the junk on my computer before getting this one.  Sorry.  Look again.

Luv~   gosh, I wonder who just got my email I sent then????? oh no

I have been setting up a new computer.  So I hope you got my email.  I havent checked yet.  Internet has been up and down for me due to a router problem.  then I have to set up my email again on here too.  This kinda stinks since I can't get it going for work.    See ya again soon.

Luv

My H came back from his latest "therapy" session, and says that he only needs to see his therapist every 6-8 weeks and that his therapist says that he is not addicted, (only 20+ years).  I think that we need to find a new therapist and he says he doesn't have a problem.  As Dr. Phil says, you can't change a behavior that you don't acknowledge.  I think we ought to go into couples therapy, but H says that it didn't work before, and it's not going to work this time.  He won't discuss this with me, and we have not had any contact for 7 years.  I think it's a major problem, he says that it's just the way it is, I'm not sexually inclined (I AM reluctant) and I won't cooperate.  I think this is a copout and he is embarassed about his behavior.  His whole philosophy is "I'm not looking at it anymore, why are you upset?".  For me, this equals "I quit stabbing you, why are you still bleeding?".  I need some help focusing on the things I can control, but I guess I don't have a clue about what direction to begin in.  Any suggestions, friends?

Welcome. He seems to have convinced himself, and you, that when he asked you if you would mind initially with the internet and you said you didn't mind, to be an answer that you would have to live with until your dying day! Didn't you ever hear of the permission we have to change our minds???!! We are allowed to change our minds! When your husband asked you, you said you didn't mind, now you do, he is not honoring his truth. What I mean by that, is, he was never being truthful about asking you to begin with! He just knew it would be a option now and wanted to let you believe you had the heads up! He was controlling this show from the very beginning, my sweets!

You can either remove the computer, I did after 2 weeks of it being put up.....it was taken down. I bought it, it was mine. He wasnt too thrilled but you know what? He still managed to get his fix someplace else. The internet only makes it more available, but it doesn't remove all possibilities of feeding a sex habit.  He is lying to you because you don't like the truth. But who is lying to whom? You are lying to yourself if you believe you can live with someone that you do not feel you can be truthful about.

What if he didn't like you going to the movies by yourself? He found it a threat. Would you stop or would you sneak it or would you try to talk to him more about it? If he can't do either of those three in this situation, then you are standing on weak soil and your foundation to a long life together is starting out on betrayals and fear already.

Why don't you feel that his porn use is cheating? The same reason that a lot of us don't. But he is cheating you out of parts of him and whether he gives it to another woman, another job, another friend, or porn, he is hiding parts of himself that he doesn't need to. He sounds like he is hooked into the porn mentality, into the machoness of being in control over his pee pee, and not available for a loving, intimate, relationship with a woman that cares about the health of the relationship, now and for the future.

You have to see if you are in it together, or are you doing the work alone. Be open to him about this and if he can't talk about it, he has deep rooted issues that even you won't be able to figure out. It shouldn't be a secret.

Whenever stress is involved in a decision making process, look at the whole scenerio as logical as possible. Emotion and logic are enemies to one another. The battle can be fierce. What emotion are you feeling most now? Jealous? Insecure? Angry? Betrayed? Sad? Confused? Bewildered? Put in what you are feeling. If its saddness and betrayal, look at if you usually go to those emotions when you get scared.

We all resort to familiararity when we are scared.

The thing that would bother me the most, and it has because I have lived what you are living for over 5 years, is the blatent lies to the face when they are confronted with the fact that what they are spending their time on, is somehow making you feel uneasy. This needs to be able to be discussed. Not pushed under the rug, denied, made to be your problem, or his. Sex to many people is an act of entertainment, lust, addiction, perversion, something that needs to be maniuplated to, lied about, done in secrecy, fantasy, illusion, and deception.

To others, sex is co mingling, intimate experience, vulnerability, passion, sharing, exploring, relaxing, being excited, but it is done with the head of person attached, not just the body and its vital organs. Either way is ok as long as it doesn't hurt someone. In this case, it is hurting you on an emotional level. It is difficult to love and respect and cherish someone when they tell you that they are balancing a checkbook, but in the meantime, eh um........:)   you know.     

If he is as successful as you say, and I believe he is, then he will be able to have a decent, intelligent conversation with you on this topic. If you both can't walk away with some semblance of commonality, I would say go for the annullment now. Save yourself some good years. If you are able to start the process of discussion, something that is crucial to all successful and good and loving marriages, then stick around. You might have found the man of your life, and he found his.

I would give him the 7 days to try to figure out not why he looks at porn, but why he is able to look you in the face and lie likes its nothing. My (ex) husband did this to me one too many times. After a while....who is the jerk?????!!!!!  Kimi