Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

In this world of disease it is probably one of the safest ways of being sexual without risking your life.  Its also a way to get release without having to have a partner and its a way to explore fantasies and get ideas on what one may want to explore with a partner/s.  Porn was not invented to make women feel inferior, if anything, it has given women power to be sexual animals, like men have been for hundreds of years. The problems now come into play when there are drugs, abuse, misrepresentation, underage porn actors, physical pain , etc. The other problem with porn now is it is so available that it will either make a person bored with it or make them addicted to it. It depends on the person.

 

I don't believe porn, phone sex, strip  clubs are cheating but I do think when in a loving? relationship, it cheapens the intimacy between the two people; devalues the preciousness of intimacy; creates a wedge between seeking gratification from one another whereby giving an outlet for sexual release without the company of the other person. Porn is used by a lot of people because they are bored and horney and don't want to pursue a sexual relationship with a person.

 

Now, if a person is single and uses porn, I would say that is ok because we all need to sexually relase our pent up sexual energies. I always feel better after an orgasm :) (similar to a good cry - if you know what I mean LOL) but needing to orgasm every day or cry everyday, well anything done every day, except eating, sleeping and drinking water, can become a form of addiction.

 

My husband was addicted to porn. At least I believe he was. I feel sorry for him because he is not one to be able to sexually ask for what he wanted, so he sought it out in his fantasy world. He made it very clear that as long as I give him affection (sex) he won't look at it as much. My feeling on that was he was using me to curtail his porn usage, so in fact, he was using me like he used porn. There was no real connection with him, he already passed over the fine line between being able to see me as a person, not a live porn video.

 

I was in the emergency room hospital one time (thank goodness it wasn't anything horrible) :) well, when I got home that evening due to his past history, I checked the cable bill....guess what? While I lie in the hospital bed he was renting big black babes! What I am trying to get at here is there are people, men and women, that have little control over their sexual anatomies. They need to feel and they are seeking the endorphine release that comes from masturbating. It is an addiction like anything else. You need to realize that his porn use is no indicator of your looks, personality, or character flaw. It is his addiction and he is the one that needs to seek help-----------------------------------------------if he wants it.

 

He does fantasize about other women, maybe even other men. That is normal. What is not normal is his fantasies are getting in the way of your relationship and the opportunity to build a stronghold together. He is using porn as a barrier. He does not want to get "too" close to you. This is obvious with most porn users. They want to love you from afar.

 

This can work for a lot of people. Especially those that are more independant and like to feel sexual freedom. But freedom and independance come with a price and that price might be the demise of a good love affair or marriage or friendship. He has lied to you. That doesn't make him a bad person but it does make him a liar. Can  you be sure he doesn't lie to you about other things?

 

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I have since left my marriage of 7 years, and I am separated now for 8 months. I am really happy and very relaxed with my decision. I no longer have to think about his lying or looking at porn while I am making my self all pretty for who??????  it use to be partially for him, now its for myself and the only person that can judge me is, me.  Porn users tend to judge their women very harshly. They want them to dress a certain way. Clothes are very important. Appearance is very important. Hygiene is very important. You get the gist. ? But if you were to put up a mirror and let it reflect back to them, what do you think they would see? They would see someone they do n't know, they don't even like. So don't feel like the victim here. You are the healthy one and be careful not to let his addictions and sexual phobias interfere with your growth and sexual health. A man can fancy a women tremendously, but also fancy 25 others. Thats just the nature of the beast. It doesn't mean you are not good enough, it just means that he is not emotionally mature to know a good thing when he sees it.

 

Good luck with this. :)

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years.  From the third month in, I found TONS of porn on his computer.  Of course, he lied about it.  I didn't believe him, but I kind of pretended it didn't happen.  He wouldn't have sex with me, which I thought was odd, our relationship still being new and all. 

Over the years I have continually found porn, I have also found e-mails to another woman telling her how crappy our relationship was (I thought everything was fine).  I also found attempts on myspace to hook up with other woman.  Again, I confronted him, and again, he apologized up, down, sideways. 

Now it's been almost six years and I recently installed a keylogger on our computer.  Not only was he having cybersex with women before I would come home from work, but he did he immediately when I went to work.

Now, here I am.... going to a psychologist trying to figure this all out.  We are going together to try to fix this.  His problem is lying, TREMENDOUSLY.  He blamed me for his porn and cybersex use.  Then he took it back.  It's like no matter what he says, it's always a lie. 

How do I learn to let go of all of his good qualities?  I feel like I'm clinging to those and letting them outweigh his inability to be faithful.  (Which has always been so important).  I feel so confused, and don't know what to do.

I'm going to be completely and totally honest with you, since your boyfriend doesn't seem to be giving you that benefit, but you really need to just dump his ass. Okay...that was pretty blunt, sorry for that if it offended you.  

 

This man does not respect you. He's taking advantage of your forgiveness. He keeps lying to you because he figures he's just always going to get away with it if he apologizes a whole bunch as is nice to you for a little bit, while he's getting his sexual fix from someone else behind your back. That is not fair to you. That is not fair to your relationship. It's just downright slimey I think. Plus, he's blaming you for everything during your therapy appointments? Now he's wasting money because he obviously doesn't truely care about fixing the problem. Being honest again, I would bet $20 that even while you are going to a psychologist, he's probably still looking at porn behind your back.

 

You sound like you are a forgiving, trusting and loyal person, and you deserve someone who is going to be the same way to you. Not someone who is going to throw a bunch of false "I'm sorry's" at you, while his fingers are crossed behind his back.

 

As far as those "good qualities," how do you know those are genuine? He's lied to you so much, I wouldn't believe that those qualities aren't cover-ups to make you stick around even after he's stomped all over you in this relationship. Since he's been so dishonest, I wouldn't take his "good qualities" to be sincere. Especially since he's talking to someone about how "crappy" he thinks things are.

 

Don't let him do that to you anymore. Don't let him take advantage of your kindness and loyalty. Stand up and say "I am WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!!!" ...well, you don't have to say that, but you get the idea of what I'm saying. As long as you keep trying to stick with this guy, he's going to stay in the mindset that he can be unfaithfull and get away with it. Take that power away from him.

I guess I am just trying to figure out what those "good qualities" are...?  What could possibly be so great  that counteracts the way he's treated you?

It doesn't matter how long we spend with someone, we all have the capacity to say and do things that hurt those we care about, a lot.Our most difficult times, like you are going through now, is something subconsciously you set up. Its a hard concept to digest. When we are miserable, whether it is caused by someone elses' actions or ours, we get to see a part of ourselves that brought us to this exact place. You want to see the good in him, in your relationship, when pain has been inflicted. If he knows he hurt you, he should apologize and if he loves you he would show it in ways that make you see he is sorry and he had a lapse of immaturity, or selfishness or deeper issues that keep him from being able to lie to you.

 

Back to porn. I found loads of porn and my ex didn't hide it; which makes it even more abusive. When he would lie about it because he saw it was a sore spot with me, it drew the wedge that broke the camels back. Its a no go either way.

 

To your question "how do I learn how to let go of his good qualities?" I would say don't try because you are trying to convice yourself that what you see and feel is not real or right. If you question his abilty to be faithful then you need to see why you feel this. He has given you good reason by the emailing the other woman, right? He c ontinues to overlook your concerns. Your confusion will only pass after you have made a decision.

 

Now that I am alone, (I have already messed up a good relationship because my self esteem is still very fractured) and as of tonite I blew off a wonderful man (that doesn't look at porn btw). You, me also, need to see why we do what we do, how we react, and how we sabotage our chances of freedom and happiness. You stay with him because you don't love yourself.

 

You need to work on your heart and strive for a better way of life and admit when you are defeated. You are defeated.

 

When you can see nothing you will do to change the situation you must either learn to love it or leave.

 

Leaving is harder.

 

I wish you luck and I hope we can continue to talk. I need someone right now myself. Take care.

I would like to know if anyone out there has heard of these. They are cartoon and 3-d pictures of women being hung, drowned, boiled, and even put on skewers to barbecue.  sometimes they are burned on a cross and most of them are having sex while being hung or after..I am not kidding about this. It is not real women but drawings and computer graphic depictions. I recently found out that my boyfriend is into this, goes to many web sites that show these pictures and even makes up the computer graphic ones as well. he says it is just a fantasy and has nothing to do with me but I am not sure about this as I have no one to talk to about it and I can't even find a therapist who knows anything about it either..Please someone talk to me about this as it has ruined our relationship and he thinks there is noting wrong with it..thanks

I am no expert so what I am going to say is just how I would react and it is my personal belief.

I think that someone who is interested in that kind of thing has a problem, a seriously dangerous mental problem. I think you should stay away from a person like that. I would. I would leave and never speak to him again. I couldn't have an intimate connection with someone who found entertainment in something like that. It would be more than a "turn off"..it would change that person in my mind so profoundly that I couldn't continue to have the feelings I once had for them.

If he thinks there is nothing wrong with it, that's his business, he's not breaking the law. However I personally see a lot wrong with it...and I would leave, and never speak to him again.

    
Hi, There was a girl that posted on here not that long ago called "morbidhobbyist". She had similar fantasies and was worried that there was something wrong with thinking the way that she does. You should read her posts, there are only a few of them.

Leaving may be harder, but forcing yourself to live with a destructive relationship is worse long term. Some things you must keep in mind to make your self confidence better are these:

1) NEVER blame yourself for his horrible treatment of you, or his bad habits. That is not your fault. That in itself brings down your self confidence.
2) Never let him tell you it was your fault. That's him using you as a scape goat for his own shortcomings.
3) You may be defeated in your attempts to change him, but you are not defeated as a person because of him. Don't allow him to do that to you. Don't allow anyone, man or woman, friend or boyfriend, to do that to you. They have no right to make you feel like a failure in life.

How can  find this person's posts? I am new to this, thanks