Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

It is very possible that after she had children she was not able to continue on a wife and the role of mom probably took a lot out of  her. I never had children (by choice) but I would imagine it can put a damper on feeling romantic. She probably fell "out of love" with herself and it bled into your relationship. When the kids get a little older, it is then man and women can resume their romantic relationship. During that time, a couple can either ride the wave and when time allows, come back together. Sometimes this wave takes them to different parts of the shoreline. I apologize for using this analogy, its the only one that popped into my mind right now.

 

Some relationships are not meant to last a lifetime, even the ones that create life together. Choosing to have a family is a committment to create a life, then take responsibility for that life until they are creating lives of their own. During that time, a lot of sacrificing has to take place. Maybe you wife just got burnt out? Maybe she doesn't like herself anymore, heck, maybe she never did, and looked for happiness through your marriage and probably thought having kids would make her life complete. She may have used you to complete her, and that is always going to bring dissatisfaction because when we look outside of ourselves to find happiness, love and acceptance, and not really have it inside to begin with, we will never be content. If she is lacking in hygiene and gained some weight, what a lot of people may suggest is treat her to a day at a spa where she can get a wax, a massage and a healthy lunch. Then buy her membership to a really nice gym and get her a sweat suit. The rest is up to her. You can't do anything outside of helping "her" help "herself".

 

I am of course, only giving you my opinion and not knowing either one of you, it is not fair to give advice, but from what you say, if this has been going on for a while and the two of you have covered over the bridge that connects you together, it will take more work to clean up the mess. Thats why its really bad when people can't work out their amigo image together. That is what psychologist call when a person keeps picking out men or women that treat us like our father/mother did. How was her relationship with her dad? 

 

My dad used to pick on me a lot. That was how he expressed himself to me. I don't remember too much recognition, praise or attention coming my way from him. So what I now am attracted to, even though it is disasterous to my love life.  I am 48 and still having "love " problems. Our problems are our greatest gifts because then we can see how we want to change the course.  If we don't notice the problems, ignore them, run, look for band aids, we are losing out on a real chance at happiness. Its scarey to possibly look foolish, childish or stupid, but if we think that just because we don't tell anyone, (hide behind falsh promises, porn, denial, affairs, food, lack of personal caring) that we can "fool" everyone, ourselves included.

 

I would suggest offer her a hand, if she doesn't take it, stop waiting for her to!!!!! You are not being a bad guy by wanting more out of life and I am sure you hate that she is so unhealthy but there is NOTHING in your power to make her move on making changes. She is content where she is, even if she is miserable. This is her choice.

 

You have a choice too. Stop thinking about her armpits and fat, and start looking in the mirror.  See whats there. The answers come a lot faster when we ask the right questions.Do you feel you deserve better ?Do you believe someone else will be able to make you happier? Now look at the mirror and ask yourself are you so sure you are not looking for yet another diversion (problems in your marriage) to avoid confronting your own fears and weaknesses/and or desires? Once you remove her from the equasion of cause of your happiness, you will find ways to love yourself, and it won't be through porn. That is just a rebellious act and you are mad. :)

 

I hope I didn't confuse you but what I am trying to get at is try to take the focus off what "she" isn't/is doing and take a close look at how you want to run your life.

 

I won't hit on much right now but from reading the beginning of the post, he said he would stop it if it bothered you, meaning, its like cigarettes, clubbing, spending money, etc. but with that committment comes many more changes then just stopping the porn use.  He said he would stop because he knew that would appease you at that time. My ex did the same thing and he continued for the 7 years out of our 7 year marriage.

 

People make promises that they can't keep. Period.

 

His sex disinterest is linked to the guilt he feels knowing you are pissed at him for not keeping his promise. He is mad at you for making him make this promise. A lot of men want women like their mothers....they will accept every aspect of their child's personality. As adults in adult relationships, not every women is going to treat you like your mom did.  When a person shows us who they are....it is wise to believe it.

 

Porn is used by many, not used by many.  I think your husband does not like you. I am sorry to say that. What his reasons are are really not your problem unless he tells you something. Any person that can bring down a persons self esteem, contribute to their depressive thoughts, does not care. You very well could have made big mistake. If you are thinking of leaving him, do it because it does not sound like he is doing anything to meet you half way.

My husband and I have been together for 27 years.  I beleive that porn is a form of adultry.  I feel that it changes a person's view of intimacy and sexuality.  I feel that one who uses this avenue of sexuality regularly changes their attitude toward intimate relationships in various detrimental ways.  Sex becomes an animalistic instinct with no human intelligence or intimate feelings.  I warned my husband right away in our relationship that I consider porn a form of adultry and an avenue to degradation.  He hid the fact that he was continuing to view porn throughout our marriage.  I filed for divorce over the issue once around 17 years ago.  I decided for various reasons to continue the marriage.  I wish I had not.  I recently, six months ago, caught him again...or actually our 22 year old daughter did.  I am devastated by the fact that he intentionally deceived me.  His activities have cost me most of my young life when I might have found someone who actually respected me and loved me.  Now, I feel that my life has been wasted.  I have never felt true intimate love and there's no chance for me to ever recover from that loss.  He insists that "now" he will quit.  He really loves me and he can change.  I don't really believe that...although part of me wants to.  Everything we have worked for...home...finances..lifestyle...family relationships are now in danger of destruction because of his selfish, self-centered ways.  I mostly feel that I want out of the relationship, even though, I have no idea what I might do with the remains of my life now at my current age.  I have ran through all the emotions: rage, disgust, sorrow, hepelessness, paranoia, mistrust, and sympathy for his ignorance.  Now, after six months of his begging, I just know that the relationship is pathetic.  My sex life feels twisted.  I feel degraded, ashamed and unwanted.  How could I ever compete with his porn sexual images?  I don't want to.  I do not choose to have my sexual life based on sheer animal indstinct...a few body parts...lust and no intimacy.  That is how I feel a lot when he wants to have sex with me now.  What kind of relationship is that?  I feel his mind is polluted with so much degrading, unreallistic imagery that he couldn't "make love" if he wanted to.  I'm sure he doesn't even know how or what that means.  I feel a deep need to connect on an intimate level.  I mean that I make love not lust.  When I want sex it is from a deep need to excite and please hom.  I aim to perform my love for him...intimate and extended from lving feelings...not animal lust.  I guess I feel if that's the only thing I sought out of sex then masturbation would be the quickest remedy for biological lust.  Everyone has a cold, uncaring, clinical side of their mind I guess.  I don't want to entertain that any more than I want to aim at regressing to a gorilla status.  Know what I mean?

 

 

I understand where you are coming from.  If he is like my mate of 27 years, he won't quit, he'll just hide it better.  Sad that these folks who chase these degrading images have such an impact on normal people.  I am struggling with the same thng you are.  I'm probably much older than you and have no chance now of ever having a true loving relationship with my husband or anyone else.  He sold our relationship out for some disgusting nuts and bolts animal images.  Now, they are in my head when I try to have loving sexual relations with him.  I doubt that will ever go away.  So, I will remain unfulfilled sexually if AI tay with him.  But, what's the chance at 56 I would ever be able to feel that way with anyone now/  Little I'm sure.  Aaaah, well...I lose.

Ever hear the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy?" If you think and/or believe that you are too old or that you will never "feel that way" with anyone ever again then guess what....you won't. What is in our heart (feelings) progresses to our heads (beliefs,) and then becomes our reality. I am a 51-yr. old woman who divorced her narcissistic, passive-aggressive, cheating, porn and pot addicted husband in 2004, after 26 years of marrige. We married at 21, had three children, built an outwardly successful life, he was my first love, blah, blah, blah. Being his wife became a living hell on earth for me, because it was only and always about him. Even so, I did not relish going through a divorce and dismantling my life, to start over again. But, the risks that the 'unknown' held for me were better in my view than the 'known' risks I had been taking with myself as his wife. I had invested way more in the relationship than I could afford to lose. Yes, I was scared and depressed and heartbroken. I hated the fact that I had to alter and change my life based on him and the choices and actions he had taken. But I did and I'm happy that I did. I took plenty of time for myself to heal, regroup, reconnect with friends, get to know myself again as myself, not as someone's wife or his partner. I have spent the last four years getting my life back on track and applying the lessons I had learned. Now I am certain about what I want and what I don't want. I am clear about who I am and that I am worthy of being loved as myself, in a mutually nurturing relationship. Up until this time, no men came across my path, but that's because I wasn't looking for any. I wasn't capable of being anyone's partner, and didn't want anyone to be mine. Now that I feel 'ready', I have had not one, but two men express an interest in me within the last two weeks. Interesting, isn't it? Are either of them the "one?" Don't know yet, but I'm ready to find out. And, if they're not, I can move on without pain or sorrow or regret and see who else shows up for my perusal. I know that, until I die (and I have no idea when that will be, do you?) I must keep living. There is still plenty in this world for me to do and see and experience and discover. I would not trade anything to be 'young' again. I earned who I am and who I am is enough. This youth-centered and -soaked culture of ours is bulls*** and I do not accept that I am invisible because I am 'old' by its standards. If that is the culture, then the culture is an ass!!!! Look, there are still more of us "baby boomers" on the planet than there are of any other age. We are the most educated generation and we will not go out quietly, I'll tell ya that. Colleges and Universities are becoming inundated with boomers attending to study for second degrees to start second careers. We are not retiring, we are beginning new lives, and we are not afraid of new technology. I wrote my sociology college paper on this subject this year, so I have researched this.

Again, I tell you that your 'fearful' thinking will keep you trapped and mired in your own misery. If you believe that you are finished as a woman, then you are. I ask you to not do that to yourself. Unless, that is what you need to tell yourself, the rationalization you need to use to stay where you are. If that works for you, then fine. Good luck.

 
I hope you thought you were talking to someone else.....because from what I read, your got this lady's situation completely wrong.

I see a lot of women coming on here talking about how their partner does not initiate sex, or they want the one kind of position....its as if something went wrong in their brain....and they are just stuck in a permanent trance. I dont have any experience with someone not wanting to be sexually intimate, or being stale and wanting the one thing. I believe it does affect the brain though....like others have said....they can zone out, and become cold when using.

I wish her luck as she goes through the book. She wrote such a beautiful post. Best one yet I think.
It might be just what she needs if its true that he has quit for 9 months now.

Also, I hope these guys aren't as bad as what has been said. I hope there lack of engagement and playfulness is a result of knowing that their girlfriend feels bad. Hopefully she can change that when she starts to look at him differently....otherwise I would move on.

I hope that these guys  do feel bad and their loss of engagement is due to this. From what I have seen, it starts out as a common thread that guys find entertaining, macho, narcissistic and throw in societial pressures to be a certain way, treat women a certain way, separate themselves from women , keep women in sexual content and the men remain far removed from the effects, outcome, never dealing with the repurcussions of what it is that their choices are truly saying about who they are, as men, in a woman's life.

 

Its an old fashioned mindset but it remains in tact today. I do understand that it is not easy for a guy. Most times (in the past) he has been the sole provider, the head of the household, making the money, therefore, being in control of whatever transpires within that household. When this is fact, it gives a person a sense of superiority. I will never understand why women have been so lazy and unmotivated with their lives but men have taken total advantage of this lack of concern to be independant. Women have used men for financial reasons, still do. I hear all the time how women get half of everything when a marriage ends, and probably the children. Women have used men, too.

 

Back to porn and sex within a relationship.  Sexual intimacy should never be an issue in a relationship. If anything......is goind wrong......it is usually not due to a sexual reason but an emotional, psychological one and sex is the first thing that can be used because it is the most obvious, and available.

 

No one can change a person but by our actions we can set a precedent and maybe others will follow. But I wouldn't count on that happening too soon. Unless a person sees what they are doing, what they have done, and move forward with wisdom and true desire for change, no book, no movie, no therapy, no law, is going to be the thing that creates true change. I was not aware that he was changed for 9 months.That is good. Then why is she upset? I am sorry. I must have missed something. :)

 

 

 

 

Hey Pen. I was mostly talking about men when I said that. I probably should've stated that as well as stating that there are exceptions. A lookie loo? Never heard of that one before lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow. I wish my mom could read your post. I've been telling her for years that she's not "old and washed up" (her words). I think she looks awesome for her age but ever since my dad divorced her, her drinking has gotten worse and when she calls me sometimes to vent, I feel so bad for her because there's nothing I can say or do to comfort her or convince her that her life isn't over!

 

I also agree with you about the "youth-soaked" culture you talked about. It's like society has forgotten about older people and their contribution to this world but instead, only focuses on teens, college students and anything to do with that lifestyle. I'm sick of it too and I'm almost 26! You gave that lady great advice. I only hope she reads it and takes it to heart.

 

 

 

 

Oh my gosh, you read my mind! I agree with you totally on the "youth-soaked" attitude of society. It's so true. I almost had a coniption when I saw an add for an upcoming movie about a Playboy bunnie who gets kicked out of the Playboy Mansion because they say she's "too old." She was *gasp* 27. So she goes to a sorority on a college campus and starts teaching the girls how to be sexy.

 

I'm only 20 and I wanted to scream when I saw that preview.