Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

 I miss you all so dearly and do appologize deeply for not being on here any more but I don't have internet any more!  We moved to our own house and theres no internet so far! so please remember that my thoughts are with you all and I miss you all I hope that God protects u all
God bless
Love Joline!

    
Hi, I hope you read this. Because you are right. You know what its like to be threatened with not being here anymore. Your lucky to be alive, and you are grateful for that. You fought for it. You know what it takes to grab the bull by the horns, and as such you know what is truly meaningful in life. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Him not coming home at all that night!. Who does he think he is!. Well, in the very least, you can obviously make it so that this never happens again. But the damage has already been done. Everyone has a different situation. I know what you are going through. He wants to enjoy this part of him. Others probably live through porn, so they dont have to go out to strip bars. So, he is getting his regular dose of porn and he's doing this to you. You must feel horrible, its bad enough with one, and now he's going out as well. I dont trust someone when they are looking at porn and coming home every night. You have no reason to trust that he is being faithful to you. I dont trust the faithfulness of someone when they arent going out at night. I think you may as well assume the worst. You really need to forget about him, and concentrate on your happiness. You have to leave him out of it, and fight for a better life....and let him deal with the consequences. Its not your job to make sure that he's making you happy. When you get some focus back, and move on to something happier, let him deal with it, even if it is too late. Make the right choice for yourself.

I agree. This isn't fair to you on any level whatsoever. Plus he's made it even worse by dragging your son into it by taking him to the club. Your son probably knows more than you do, but has just been told, or has willingly, kept his mouth shut, which pretty much shows where his loyalties lie. I hate to divide it up like that, but I think it's true for this situation.

hello everyone, my name is Rachelle,  I am married to a porn addict and it is tearing our marriage apart.  Before we knew each other he was involved in a 'wild' lifestyle, (swinging, 3 somes with married couples, you name it he did it).  that has affected our marriage as well because he never seems to be satisfied, he was always wanting to do something outrageous and top it the next time.    I knew he watched porn when we got married, but I did not realize how bad his addiction was and honesly we had a great sex life so I didnt mind in the beginning, until he started neglecting me, and our kids, ( he spent our babys first christmas at home with the porn instead of being out with his family,  )   He was also always really flirty, and talked really vulgar with other women.    Well after 15 months of marriage I did get him to understand how bad the porn was hurting me.  He finally quit looking at porn but the effects from it and his previous lifestyle is still coming between us.  Now he is fighting for his right to keep masturbating, which is bothering me because he still doesnt try to work on thing,  He would rather stay in the shower by himself than get in bed with me.  My life is so frustrating.  I do not believe in divorce but I do not want to keep living this way.  I am currently attending college, and raising 3 children, so it is hard for me to just pick up and leave,  I do not want to leave but something has to be done.  Can anyone give me any advice on how to handle this delicate situation.  I am so ANGRY because of all of this that my temper is getting bad and I have recently poured a drink on him because of my anger towards him.  he is disgusting to me, i dont want to be intimate with him and I am haunted by everything he has put me through.  I'm scared that things will never get better.  He says he loves me but I'm not so sure.   Should I be worried that he is masturbating alot, we only have sex about once a week and there is no intimacy anymore.  I only get kissed when he wants sex.  He says that my anger is pushing him away but his sex addiction pushed me away a long time ago.  HELP  if anyone can give me any ideas to handle this problem please I could use all of the advice I can get.

 

God Bless and hope to talk to eveyone soon

Rachelle,  Alabama

 

Let me give you my spin on this, ok? Your very first sentance is crucial. Read it again.

 

Are you a professional and can you truly say he is addicted to porn? From what I see, he is addicted to sex; porn is a solo sex act. When a person can never be satisfied, they have built up a resistence and need more, sex, intimacy, food, drugs, alcohol, clothes, and it is running the show. Does he work? Is he successful in most other areas? He could have a high sexual libido and does not know how to use it to his advantage or he is compensating (which is what I believe all addictions originate from) for a lack of something that is not satisfied, or content, within HIMSELF/HERSELF.

 

An addict must be the one to seek help. YOu can seek help to help you understand SOMEONE ELSES addiction but you will not make the addict become a non addict. It is strictly an individual choice. JMO

 

I don't understand why you expect him to be different then what you know him to be? This puzzles me. If he was flirty initially, what makes you think that WAS NOT WHO HE IS??? Because it wasn't what you wanted or needed. Unfortunately, you made a poor choice but you are afraid to leave him because of your insecurites and what you know to be true about yourself. No person stays in an abusive relationship or an unhealthy one unless they truly believe they deserve to be in it.

 

You don't know what its like to be with a man that is normal and healthy and not oversexed and/or able to have an intimate relationship on an one on one basis. Some people cannot just be with one person. Some people can only be with one person. YOu chose a guy that likes to be with multiple partners and he is pissed you are getting in his way.

 

Now, if he loved you and really wanted to be with you, he would be doing things that would bring you together and not telling you that your jealousy is driving him AWAY. He can't be more obvious. I think you need to look at the reality. Good luck.

No i am not a professional myself, but a professional counselor has confirmed his addiction, and he is compensating for something else, he buries his problems and doesn't like to deal with reality, he will go in his hobby room and build model airplanes for hours when he is bothered by something.   I only found out about his vulgar conversations with other women, and his previous lifestyle, after we were married.  I am staying because we took a vow before God for better or for worse, and I do not believe in divorce.  He has said he was sorry and is seeking counseling.  We even spent a great evening together last night with our children, and with each other.  I believe he is really trying,  and I believe God put us together to help each other.      (Just for the record I do know what it is like to have a healthy , normal relationship.  I was in a relationship for  9 yrs,  we were just very young and very young and grew apart as we got older,..  There was nothing disfunctional about that relationship)         Matt has proven that he can be with just one person.  He has not physically cheated since we have been together.  He doesn't go to bars and stay out all night.  He is always at home, he doesnt drink or do drugs.  I am not defending him I was just trying to get some help and advice for myself,  he is working on his issues,   and I believe you cannot judge the situation until you have all of the facts.  I think if he wanted to leave he would have already left.    He has never been in a normal healthy relationship and I am trying to show him how to have one, and along with the counselors help, we are really trying to work on things. 

 

my wife and i are working through it and things are getting better fortunatly i have a strong somewhat understanding second half unfortunatly there is  a wall that seperates people like my self from others. unless you have been in this position its hard to understand if you can understand at all. i see drunks and smokers and even i say why not just put it down and not touch it again. most people including my wife i think have a hard time understanding that when something like this has been a part of your life frome the time you were 8  and now your 30 something it has just become part of you . you dont understand that when resisting the temptations there is actual phisical pain involved sometimes almost to the point of being sick. it has nothing to do with weater you love or dont love the person your with at the time i can tell you with no uncertanty. that i have NEVER NOT  LOVED MY WIFE! but unfortunatly i dont think she will ever see it that way as she cant understand no matter how hard i try that i was driven by something that had a great force in my life . this however does not excuse my actions or exempt me form that the things that i have done i have to

things are good between my wife and i as of now well as good as can be expected im married to my best friend . and she has been as understang as can be expected maybe even more so than can be expected. but there is still a wall that seperates people like me form normal people what ever that means. porn can be catigorizd along with all ove the other things that can be adictive it no less distructive to a human being than an adiction to alcahol , drugs , food , speed (as in adrenalyin & racing ), and so many other things that can be added to the list. it hard to explain to someone that breaking this adicton is not as simple as put it down and dont look at it again. it has been from december to now that i have had vertualy no porn and it it hard to get people to understan that in those few months resisting the temptation actualy brings on phisical pain and discomfort. to the point of almost being sick at times. i cant say i understand 100% what you are feeling out there because i have not been on that side of the topic. fortunitly i am married to my best friend and she is helping me as best as she can and i can say without her i would have no reason to change.

 

some of your husbands or wifes that are involved in porn i guarentee you are looking for help but are imbaresd and ashamed to come forwoard and the wors things get the ferther in they go. somtimes setting aside your hert fealings and lending a hlping hand can creat a stronger bond than you ever imagend. im not in love with porn i never was i love my wife and can honestly say that there was never a time that i did not love her. im not sure if she will evr beleve that she will always think there was i time i fell out of love with her. and that is understandable but thats because she does not understand what its like on this side of the wall its lonely it herts its scairy and its shamefull and in my case it started at the age of about 8 and i am now in my 30s it becomes a part of you that you hate but dontknow how to ask for help i was lucky enough to find some one who luves me for all that i am the good and the bad and im thankfull for that i cant put any ones mind at ease about porn what i can say is that some one i reading this site rite now that is looking for hlep they have a deep pain in there hear that they can not fix on there own dont just turn yor backs and run the rewards for breaking through this problem as a couple will bring you closer together. not ever couple survives a problem lik this.

 

 

It sure sounds like things are moving in a good direction. I am glad for you. So then what is your question again?