Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

I have been with the same guy for 12 yrs our daughter is 9 yrs old. After 5yrs together I discovered a couple of porn receipts. I told him i was disgusted that he was watching this and did not want it in my life and if he continued to watch this stuff he would have to leave. I thought he gave it up once he knew how i felt but i also never was the same after that cause. part of me always wondered if he was still do this behind my back than in 2006 i came home early from work and almost caught him he was acting guilty about something so i asked him if he was watching it again. he admitted to it by giving me the video. i asked why and he said because i wasnt putting out enough. I thought our sex life was pretty good. so i said ok lets work on that but you need to stop this you know how i feel about it. I thought it was done with. than this summer 2008 i went camping with my daughter for a couple of nights and than came home a day early and while my husband was at work I discovered he had bought a dvd player. we didnt need one I knew than that he was planning on watching this stuff again. so i told him to move out this is it. he again tried to say he wasnt getting enough . i said we need to be done with this now ive heard your needs and youve heard mine. 30 days later i knew something was up again. this time he bought a tvdvd combo and has set it up in the shop he thinks i dont know about it but tonight im about to blow his cover.

i forgot to add that i will tell him to move out for sure 3 strikes your out!

I've been with my husband for 6.5 years. Married 1.5. Pregnant 5.5 months. I've known something was off about him since we started dating. He was a cool, smart, sexy guy, but our first time was an utter disappointment. It was like he was masturbating on me, pounding like a porn star, and when he came first, it was like he was clueless that I was still there. Totally not what I expected from the friendship and closeness we had built. We even waited five weeks before doing anything. Now, he's the best lover I've ever had, when we do it, but his libido is non-existent. He had porn and Victoria's Secret mags before we moved in together five years ago, which didn't bother me at first. However, the longer we were together, and I realized how "un-sexual" he was, really got to me to the point I would question him about it and get angry. We would maybe do it once a week. Mid-twenties, new relationship...something was not right. So since we've lived together, I have found porn stashed in his suitcases when he worked out of town, on the computer, on his mom's computer-he finally admitted it was him. Found it on his moms comp. friday, next friday came home early to him with his pants down at the computer. Caught him masturbating in the bathroom when he thought I was sleeping. Nothing hurts worse than lying there naked, available, and someone finds it more appealing to go in the next room. He figured out how to delete the history line item off our computer. I thought he had been good--until this week.
Last sunday, I caught him on the couch at 9 am. He denied it and said he was just laying there...with a semi hanging out of his pulled over shorts let and a blanket draped over that he wouldn't let me pull off to lay down with him...I get pissed. I am pregnant and horny and he does that crap? I pack his bag. He sends flowers. This week, his work gets rained out. I come home and get cuddly. He says his head hurts from lack of sleep and overwork. I can't sleep and get on the computer and find a file that keeps a record of certain website's info. Guess what I find. 8/1/08 porn visited 1 hour before I am due home. Write nasty note, pull up site so he can see, sleep in guest room. He wakes up and thinks it's because of no sex, so he writes me this bullshit letter about my attitude and how he was tired, but he really wanted to do it and knew I wanted to, plus other back-handed crap. I read it, get so pissed but i am not ranting or anything and basically throw him out because of the crap he says. He only does it once a month, and I am overreacting. He blames me. I say i can be sweet, dolled up, shaven, house clean, good behavior, whatever, and he is still the same. There are times that things are so good, and I am like, good, now maybe...but no. I thought once he quit working out of town, but no. We'll be cuddling and kissing and he'll cut it off because it's 2 pm on a saturday or something.
So anyways, if you are still reading, tonight, knowing he will not be here, I get back into that file and investigate more throughly. Not only do I find sites from May, but July two days in a row, Aug 1, Aug 11 was the couch thing, and Aug 26-one hour before I got home--the same night of his "headache and tiredness". That was it. He masturbates--turns me down--then pins it on being tired in a semi-heartfelt-begging-me-to-talk letter. Talk? So he can lie and bullshit me? All the sites and dates I found were times when he knew I was not going to be here. And if you are thinking that is not a lot, just know the file I found was simply for sites with a certain feature that is cached on my Mac. Regular html sites are not logged it this, so who's to know all the other times he went to sites that didn't happen to have this feature? I cannot help but get angry and hurt. I feel so deceived. He is not a liar in general, but when it comes to this, he gets so nasty. I understand he's embarrassed but I am HURT. If he does this even once a week, that is a time we could have done it. I think it is really a problem, because it effects our sex life...the other night is obvious.
I don't think this is serious enough for divorce, but I can't go on anymore. I've been down this damn road too many times, and a baby on the way. He's being so selfish. I feel bloated and unattractive enough. He wanted this kid so bad, and said he couldn't wait to see me preggo, and now that I am, it's such a disappointment. He can be sweet and say I'm pretty. He was the other night! That's why I was so floored. It's like two different people. I am not against porn, or him getting a mag, when he's gone a week at a time, but when it affects our life like this... I go nuts.

Hello. I have recently left my husband of 7 years because of porn use and his failure to face the fact that porn was not only a substitute for a lack of sex but his addiction. When we first got married, he looked at porn, during our marriage, he looked at porn, I am sure now that we are done, he looks at porn. He will not ever get it and I think your guys' are also going down that dark road of denial that a lot of guys "choose" to go and then try to make it seem we are the ones that have the problems. Don't you know the quickest way to get someone to do what we want is to make them think they don't know what they are talking about?

 

Your husbands are manipulating you because they are liars and narcissists. Now the real question is:

 

WILL YOU STAY WITH A LIAR AND A NARCISSIST OR WILL YOU MOVE FORWARD ON WITH A LIFE THAT IS BASED ON TRUTH AND LOVE?

 

I may be single now and I am meeting men left and right........Half of them are liars and narcissists and half are healthy and loving men. Which one do you want? Shake the loser. Whether you have a child, one on the way, it doesn't matter. LIfe with these types of guys only gets worse. Let him find himself a whore who doesn't give a crap about him.........thats all they deserve.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

Having been married to and now divorced from a man who, for the 26 years we were married, and for years before, since his early teens, had used porn and masturbated, I can tell you that, in his mind, you and the porn are two different and separate entities. Is it right that he turn you down for sex because he has already relieved himself w/ porn? Well, of course it isn't, but if you stay with him you better get used to it. And, I can tell you with certainty that it will get worse over time. After the baby comes you will be even less available to him, but he has porn, so it will be no great loss to him. Only to you. After I gave birth to our children, my husband's porn use increased. He was passive and didn't like conflict, so rather than work out our issues, he retreated to one of the things in his life he could always control, and was always about him. The porn. Right now, it only affects your sex life. Wait until you have the baby. The porn will become part of your child's life also. Yep, it will. Now, I know, as the good mother you intend to be, that you would NEVER allow your child to be in danger. But, I will tell you from painful experience, if there is porn in your household, your child will eventually be exposed to it, "accidentally" of course, but exposed just the same. If not directly by having the opportunity to view it, then indirectly by how you are treated by their father. Yes, porn will affect your child. And your child will be affected. By their father. And by you if you don't take action. In your home. Believe it.

You say you can't go on anymore, but don't think this is a serious enough issue to contemplate divorce. What do you want to happen, then? I already know what you want to happen. You want your husband to realize what he's doing to you, and your marriage, and to your future together as a family, and wake up an smell the coffee and have an Oprah "A-ha" moment and cut this crap out and become a good husband and good father. But that won't happen. Sorry, but it won't. Not without him becoming a mature, unselfish man who puts his woman and his family above this crap. And that doesn't happen just because you want it to. If he was already that kind of guy you wouldn't be having this problem to begin with. He is not a casual, every-now-and-then user of a porn mag or movie when he's horny and you aren't around for sex. It's way beyond that. And, he lies to you because he doesn't want to "hurt" you. As if he isn't hurting you already. It will not get better after the baby arrives. It will get worse. I think it's a serious enough issue to warrant contemplating divorce. I know because I lived it, and should have divorced my husband 20 years ago, but didn't. And by not doing so, I had a total of three children who were damaged and hurt by their immature, passive-aggressive, lying, cheating, porn addicted father, who lied to me because he didn't want to "hurt" me, when really he lied to get me off his back about his porn use. And who exposed our children to porn in our home, and because of that, my children were grievously damaged. But, he didn't mean to do that. It just "happened." Just like the affairs he eventually went to, because I wasn't accepting of him and what he needed to do to be happy. They just "happened" also. So, good luck to you. If you stay with him, hoping he will "get it", you will be waiting a long, long time. Looks like you will be in charge of  damage control and cleaning up his messes and trying to keep your family as normal as you can, which is an exercise in futility, but, hey, have at it. Maybe you will have more success at it than I did.

I can second this post! I totally can. If porn is in the house, sooner or later your children will come across it weather your husband wants them to or not. I can back that up because it happened to me...it's still happening to me. I first came across my own father's stash when I was just helping him look for his keys. That was when I was 11. I'm 20 now and my father has gotten so much more careless about it. I find it all the time now. He leaves his tapes in the vcr, his stash has gotten bigger, he leaves the door open when he's looking at it on the computer. He once even looked at porn while my boyfriend was in the room. How has it effected me? It grosses me the hell out. Sometimes when I catch him in the act, I just have to receed into my room for a while and I have avoided talking to my father about anything related to sex most of my life. My mom has talked to him about it several times, but he's changed nothing.

 

That's proof right there that it gets worse over time. At least it has with me. People like that just care less and less about how it effects other people the deeper they get into it, and the more they (well, in their eyes) get away with it scott-free, the more they will do it and the more often.

 

I also agree with the point that if he doesn't find you appealing now when you are pregnant, how is it going to be when you actually have the baby? You'll have less time than you do now, taking care of it, and your body will have to recover from childbearing and childbirth. (Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I know most women don't come out of the delivery room looking like barby with their vaginas completely intact...I saw a picture of childbirth the other day and it scared the hell out of me).

 

I think that if you don't quite think it's serious enough for divorce yet, then consider what counts as the last straw for you, and don't go past that limit. Give him an ultimatum, and if he betrays you once more after that, then be done with him. Tell him he's got to make the choice, either the porn goes or you go. If he says "you," but you catch him in a lie one more time, get serious. Leave.

well i tried to blow his cover and it didnt quite work. I think he decided not to go because he may have sensed I was watching him. But thats ok I later went to the shop and grabbed the porn dvds and came back in the house and said well I guess this is a good time to talk to you. As he was sitting on the couch , I proceeded. I said Ive been doing alot of thinking for a long time especially since my camping trip . I dont want to be with you anymore. You dont spend anytime with me and you never want to do things with our daughter and me. I dont like the way you treat me so im done. and than i pulled out the dvds and said Im also done with this. Its seems you just couldnt wait for the chance to get to watch it. its pretty sad when you choose this over me. you have a right to watch it and i have right to not have this in my life. obviously youve made it clear whats more important to you. your very selfish. Ive already packed some of your stuff . you need to leave you will not be sleeping in my bed.and the first thing you need to do is remove the tv from the shop if it is not gone i will move it out. so i then expected a response and got nothing absolutley nothing. I said so why are you doing this if you dont want me just say so i can handle it . still nothing. he slept in the spare room. the next day he acted pretty much like nothing happened and went about his day like usual. i was choked . i guess i was hoping he would either say fine im gone or beg for us to start over. so i went out.I came back and then he went out to get something to eat and came back now he has fallen asleep on  the couch.i really thought he took me serious this time because when i said i didnt want to be with him anymore he did look sad but today its like he doesnt care. thankfully my daughter is not here right now . Am i not agressive enough? I guess i better get some boxes and start packing so more stuff and put them on the porch. i cant imagine turning this around or even sleeping with him after what he has done. It is virtually impossible to have a conversation with him he will not say any thing he just says i have nothing to say why wont he just leave. actually im more frustrated than confused.

Well he finally got off the couch jumped in the shower and then went to sleep in the spare room . so im still not sure what he is thinking and it is driving me crazy. but im glad he didnt go to our bed.

After trying to talk to him in general, about fulfilling eachothers needs, emotionally, physically, nothing too heavy (well not for me anyway) I saw that as a golden opportunity to make something good out of something that was potentially turning bad. But, much to my surprise, and I am sure to yours, the reaction is neither appropriate or believable! I also think we are doing them a very big favor.......breaking it off .....this way they don't have to and they look like the good guys because they aren't the one to end the marriage. If you think about, on paper it all makes sense right???? Wrong!

 

Because we gave them carte blanche to exit. Instead of getting reaction, ie., discussion, honesty, upfrontedness?, communication, oh no, not that!!!!  we get non resistance and almost as if we are punishing them....interesting how a psychopath, narcissist, selfish individual thinks, huh????

 

Keep packing stuff, but don't do him any favors, let him pack his own.....sheesh.....he's a big boy....STOP Packing his stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Go to a free lawyer or get some free cousel, and see where you stand financially. Your husband is a wimp, just like mine was. OH btw......my husband called a few weeks ago, after being separated for 7 months, and wondered if I would consider getting back together?????OH, he also said "he said we were BOTH stubborn and didn't really put TIME into trying to make it REALLY work"....can you believe that hogwash???

 

Get rid of him.

 

 

another thing thats interesting is that I know that it never was about him not getting enough from me because the last time we had sex was right after he had been in the shop and he never tried to have sex with me in the 4 days that led me to try and catch him and he didnt watch porn during that time either because he never left the house.so it really makes you wander if he prefers jacking off instead of having sex with me. How can he go 4 days without it but try to tell me that hes not getting enough. Especially when he was getting it around 3or 4 times a week before with me. not always but he definately got  it more than once a week and than when he did try and sneak out the other night, he was obviously choosing it first. the funny thing is now hes getting nothing haha as far as i know. there is no opportunity to go to the shop because i know about it and he doesnt want me catching him. he brought me a coffee this morning from the coffee shop Im not going to drink it.he brings me coffee everyday. but now i have to make sure themessage is still there so im leaving it on the counter.