Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

That is a very difficult word and it can create a lot of disturbance. But if you are going to ask "why" is he buying you coffee, when on the same breath guess at how he feels about you, your why are you waiting for emotion from him?????? That is not him! That is you!!!! It would be like him wanting you to be non emotional?!  You want him to cry much along the same lines a cutter (someone that cuts themselves with paperclips, etc) to see, to feel...........wants something! Don't you see his actions, non actions, words, non words, are so tantallizing to you, which is why you ask "why?". The answer to your "how does he feel - when the question you need to ask yourself is "What do you feel!!!!" If you can go there, then you will find your answer. And the answer is not going to be about him, per say, but why you chose him and why you choose not to believe that he IS SHOWING YOU HOW HE FEELS.

 

What was the relationship like that you had with your dad? Was he around? Was he protective? Did you feel he loved you? Did you feel he was going to be there for you if you needed him? or was it something else....Kimi

Whats best for a child is a healthy environment. Can your marriage provide that? If so, then get to work. If not, then be a woman take your life back.

thanks for reading my posts. im on such an emotional rollercoaster right now and i dont know how to get off. im upset with myself for wasting so many years. the emotional pain is so bad i cant even stomache any food. im afraid of what lies in the future. I phoned in sick today because i know im in no shape to deal with that especially when someone comes up to you and says how are you how was your summer. I know i would just break down and cry.thanks again for the inputs.

Your insight into your husband's F.O.O. (family of origin) and the issues he now has regarding them, is very telling. He has issues with his father cheating, his mother's hysterical, "psycho" reaction to being cheated on (she may not have known what was going on, but I think she did, and thought that turning a blind eye to it would make it go away, or she may not have known, but either way was reacting emotionally to something very wrong in their lives and the way he was treating her.) So, your husband grew  up in a very dysfunctional home, where the truth wasn't told and secrets and lies were the norm. A perfect template for engaging in porn or any other kind of activity that, for a while, makes him feel better and in control of his life. He has learned that he can't trust the important people in his life to protect him and support him. That those in charge of protecting him, nurturing him, and supporting him were instead behaving dysfunctionally and teaching him that this is the way people who claim to love him and each other behave.

A child that is exposed to porn at an early age is scarred and damaged by it. And brings that damage into his adult sexual life. It is a form of molestation, although benign and without an active perpetrator.  Many people who have been damaged in this way just want to forget about it and not face the issues that go along with it, out of shame and fear.  Many people have skewed and twisted ideas of sex because of it. And bring that into their adult lives and into the lives of their spouses and children.

The part of your post regarding his need for a harsher, rougher sexual experience really sounded a chord with me. My husband was the same way. Some people like "rough sex"  but I am not one of them. I do believe that my husband's frequent masturbation desensitized his penis, so much so that he couldn't feel anything unless it was very rough and harsh. So, in effect, when our lovemaking was pleasurable to me, it wasn't to him. He also pounded away  to achieve an orgasm, which after a period of time became very painful.

Back to the point I am trying to make. Yes, we are products of our environment, and what happened to us as children was not in our control, but when we become adults it is our responsibility to create for ourselves the kind of life we wish to have, and we do not have to be forever haunted and kept hostage by the actions of our parents. It is incumbent upon us as adults to recognize, face, and resolve the issues that keep us from being who we want to be and keep us trapped in dysfunctional behaviors. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over but expecting a different result. If something in our lives isn't working for us in a healthy way or is harming the people we claim to love, then we must look to ourselves and what we are doing that is causing or contributing to it. Another important thing we must do as an adult is to stop seeing our parents as all-powerful, omnipotent god-like creatures who, during our childhood, virtually had the power of life and death over us, but as flawed human beings, who were also perhaps damaged by their parents or by some other adult that had power over them. Just because they didn't overcome their issues doesn't mean we cannot. Breaking the chain of dysfunction is always a worthwhile, healthy endeavor. It isn't easy by any means, and takes courage we may not think we possess. Courage, however, isn't the absence of fear. It is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Your husband must possess some measure of courage or he couldn't do the type of work he does. I'm sure it's extremely stressful. But, so is life. It's not so much that we have stress, but how well we deal with it that really counts. Again, I wish you and him the best, and I hope that you two can work through this. God bless.

I agree that my husband's family was very dysfunctional.  His sister has issues from it too. Major emotional problems.  I do think he really wants us to break the chain of dysfunction.  His father's father died when his father was only one, so I do not know what role-model he had to look up to himself. 

I agree that the mother knew. How could she not?  Or even subconsciously  knew, and lashed out because of all that was not right.  Even though they are both with other people, he still calls her and tries to get her to see him.  What a piece.

I also think my husband still has the god-complex thing with his dad.  They work together and get frustrated with each other, but he never will say anything really bad about him.  He disapproves of his dad's cheating, but there's no real ill-judgement passed upon him.  It's like he is still continuing to get away with it!!!  I think the man himself is in denial about how his actions affected his children, whether or not he cares about his ex-marriage. I don't think my husband has dealt with it either.  I have tried to talk about it with him, but he represses it and acts like his sheer will of not thinking about it will make it go away and us not go through it too.

So maybe with counseling, he and I can work through some of those trust and safety issues.  It has taken us a long time to work out some of our resentment and issues we had that sent us to counseling in the first place.  Time to take the next step and deal with this.

Thank you

 

It gives me a sense of hope to believe that these kinds of issues can be overcome and that victory is possible. It did not end well for me and my kids, but not because I didn't try with everything I had learned and discovered about myself, and about how unresolved childhood traumas and dysfunctions affect people. Unfortunately, my husband did not share my beliefs and did not join in with me to make our lives, our marriage, and our family strong and healthy. He saw my efforts as only a manipulation on my part to 'control' him and keep him 'unhappy.' Yes, I stayed way too long, fighting the good fight but also investing more than I or my children could afford to lose. My only defense is that it was all I had, and was important to me. Because of my dysfunctional F.O.O., I had no support or soft place to fall. I did not deserve what happened to me at my husband's hands, nor did my kids, but, to tell the truth, I was naive to think it could have ever ended differently than the way it did. I didn't ask for it, but I sure got it. And I learned. Boy, did I.

I recently was contacted through a school alumni website by a guy I knew as a kid, who grew up with me in the same neighborhood and who went to the same Catholic elementary school. We had a crush on each other in the 8th grade, very innocent. He went on to the Catholic HS and I went to the public one. I last saw him at a reunion in 1985, along with his wife. Anyway, a few weeks ago he sent me an email and talked about how much he liked me, and how hot I was at 14, along with some inquiry about some of the other kids we hung out with, all of whom I still am friends with. A few had passed away in recent years, and I informed him about that when I replied to his email, along with how much I liked him in the 8th grade. I also asked him if he was still married. He knew from my profile that I am divorced, but his profile did not mention his marital status. Anyway, a few days later he sent me another email, with no mention of anything I had written or reactions to the deaths of some our old neighborhood pals, just more junk about how hot I was at 14, and descriptions of how good my butt looked in my tight jeans, and how beautiful my breasts were, and that my profile picture showed that I still had "spectacular looking" ones, and that he had to take a cold shower now. UGH! What a jerk. So, I sent him another email, stating that I was no longer that girl, but a mature adult woman who doesn't look like a 14 yr old anymore, and if he wanted to get to know me as I am now, fine, but only after he informed me of his marital status. I also said that my ex husband had lusted after that girl, and wanted me to be that girl perpetually, which was impossible. I said that I do not engage in "cold shower" banter with married men that knew me when, and that I had no interest in giving him some jollies as he goes through a mid-life crisis. I have not heard from him since, and I hope I never run into him, because he has an ass-kicking coming. Yes, I get lonely at times, and have not had anyone in my life since my husband and I separated in 2004, and was excited to hear from this guy I used to know and liked 37 years ago. But, I will never again compromise myself to please anyone else or give myself to someone ever again without full knowledge of them and where they're coming from. Never again.  If that means I am alone for the rest of my life, so be it. I'd rather be alone than with someone who just wants me for their own amusement or pleasure. Sorry for going off on this tangent, but I had a need to mention it.

Marriage is not for the weak, the selfish or the greedy. Neither is parenthood. They require the best we have to give, and that is not easy under the best of circumstances. It is, IMO, the work of our lives to make sure that we bring our best, and do the work necessary to make that happen. Nothing worthwhile comes easily. I have hope for you and your family, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep my family in yours.  ~j~

That's exactly the point I have gotten to. If we cannot work this out, then I'd rather be alone. I have an ex-husband as well (married too young and messed up), who had some SERIOUS issues. Bad bad childhood and a perverseness that was just shocking. Let's just say he had an affair when his new wife was pregnant and promptly told her about it when he returned from the hotel and later had an affair with his 17 year old step-daughter's friend, when he was about 32. I realized that he was deceptive--hiding porn, emails, phone calls and drugs, and how manipulative he had been to even woo me into the relationship. He had multiple personalities, even with me. The final straw was catching him on the phone at 11 pm with someone's sister, trying to set up a meeting. Buh-bye. I think I am over the trust issues of that mess, but it doesn't help my present husband's case when I find him hiding porn or sneaking alcohol. My new husband is a totally different class, though--he's not a mad person. My ex husband could be interesting, but he was totally mad and was taking me with him. My point is that I remember being so uncertain back then, before leaving. Leaving that situation was really a no-brainer compared to this. I had the backing of my friends and family, and I think my dad couldn't have been happier.
But I've heard so many stories like yours where people regret staying in it too long...or they wish they had of spared their kids watching a sinking ship. So, I think we owe it to each other to get outside help and really try this time. It's an ultimatum for myself as well.

And I will keep your family in my prayers.

 

I can relate to what you wrote. That kind of behaviour is indicative of a sick, perverted mind; not even a horn dog...just a pathetic man. It is our responsibility to know when it is appropriate to walk away, and when to stay. Have a good day.

My partner was always a quiet guy but got more sociable over time . with my family and my group of friends and didnt mind hanging out with my family or my friends but i have noticed over the last few years he seems less interested in doing things with my family and friends In fact i remember the last family wedding we went to. He sat through dinner but during most of the reception he disapear into the truck and waited there until i was ready to go I was so embarresed. And one time when we met our friends at a local pub, when we got to their table there was only one chair left , he grabbed it sat down and left me standing there my girlfriend and her husband were appalled. He wasnt always so disrespectful but he was never the greatest for showing a lot of emotion He used to kiss me goodbye every morning before heading off to work or call me honey but the last few yrs its been nothing except when in bed when he would roll over and put his arm around me. In some ways I feel sorry for him because he is so missing out. This is definately his loss.

I am in such a bad situation. Its been 9 days since I told my partner that I didnt want to be with him anymore and that he had to move out. I felt so good at the time about doing this but wasnt anticipating him moving to the back part of the property. My father also lives at the back of the property. My father doesnt want him to move off the property because my partner has always been the one to maintain the land. We live on a farm. My partner still comes in around dinner and eats after my daughter and I have. then sits or lays on the couch and proceeds to watch tv. My daughter doesnt know too much yet. I havent gone back to work yet i phoned in sick all week. Im so depressed because I feel like I cant part with him the way I wanted too . He has to be here at night to watch our daughter when im at work. I feel like a cant cope  with working right now. So Ill probably phone in sick for next week too. I guess because im not working is why m more irritated by him being around. I wish he would have just stayed with a friend or somewhere. I dont know. Even if i do move on and meet someone in the far future, how does that work  Oh by the way my ex lives here too. I cant afford to move out and I dont really want to leave this place anyway Ive been here over 20 yrs with my father and Its absolutely beautiful. I was so strong last week now I find myself crying this week, off and on.  I lost over 10 pounds in less than 10 days.Im really feeling sorry for myself and how this is so unfair Im such a good person and love doing things for people. And Im just sick of being taken for granted. My girlfriend said when I see my doctor next week see if she can prescribe something for you. I said im not really big on going on anti depressants. she said maybe a muscle relaxant. dont know much about this. Ive been smoking almost double what i would normally. Im just a mess. I cant deal with this situation. its not a typical one is it. I do know that my partner hasnt told anyone that I kicked him out . except for my father. I dont think anyway . some of the guys we know would have asked me by now whats going on with you too. So I kicked him out and still cant be rid of him. what a joke. Nice girls finish last.