Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

 I forgot to mention that the cabin that he is fixing up is still not finished so that is why he is still sleeping in the other room. I think if it werent for our daughter I would have said go #&*^%& sleep in the barn. not here but Im trying not to disrupt her lifestyle too much or all of a sudden or what shes used to. Eating dinner doesnt bother me too much but i wish he would go away somewhere until bed time. and I wont say anything because of  our daughter Weve never argued in front of her nothing big anyway . I feel like im the laughing stalk here. As i said before he carries on like oh well and yet im a $&*(%$# mess!

Ive checked out the other site (pornaghraphy). It was interesting reading. especially reading a guys take on this subject. One thing Ive observed is that obviously the men that married these women(including myself) that dont accept them watching porn (especially by themselves in a sneaky way) new going in to the marriage to these type of women that it would not be accepted. thats one reason in my view that they sneak it. I realize some people accept it. But what really makes me mad is my soon to be ex-partner new i wouldnt accept this  soon after we started dating. So I wish he would have left me alone then, knowing what i like and dont like . In fact I recall saying at the begining of any relationship that I have 0 tolerance for  cheating , going to strip clubs and porn and lying of any sort. How dare they continue a relationship with us They should be hooking up with women that dont care about that kind of thing. Im glad to know that im not the only one that feels porn has no place in a relationship. Ive always felt that .  Im not ashamed of my views. Sometimes I sit here thinking of all the years Ive waisted with someone I thought I knew. One more thing that hurts so bad is although ive told him to leave, I am still physically attracted to him as much as when I first layed eyes on him. Now im trying to train myself to not be, when I look at him I try thinking , what a pig, slob , pervert. I dont want to be attracted to him anymore.

Hi,

I'm worried that you might be taking it personally. You know that he will always choose this over you. It has nothing to do with you either. In that there is nothing wrong with you. He is probably attracted to you, as much as you are to him. If not, it could always get back to how he felt when he first laid eyes on you. Maybe, I'm not a guy. But the problem was always there, you just didnt know it early on. How you pick yourself up now is what matters. I'm not sure what you want at this stage in your life. You have a child, and maybe you want a quiet happy life without him in the picture. On the other hand, as much as you hate him now, and are hurt by him, and still have feelings for him .... it is a different story when you really face living your life on your terms without him anywhere in the picture. I imagine it is very important for him to see your child and be there for the special moments like birthdays etc. So that they know that they are loved and thought of by both parents. It seem weird for him to be living in the back yard. If you are going to be so close to each other, its as if you should just share the household responsibilities, sleep in different rooms, put aside your differences and focus on your child. I know how you are feeling though. And that would just seem like you are pretending as if everything is ok in front of your child. You dont want it in your house, and the situation you have now has its benefits. I wonder how much you can move on with your life though, if your still so close to each other.

another thing ive noticed is the way he has been talking to me over the last few years. disrespectful. He does have this one friend that hes known for about 4 or 5 yrs and ive never been too sure about him. sometimes i get a sense that he isnt very nice to his wife. they go fishing together and hunting. and whenever my partner talks to him on the phone he acts and talks different. one time i said since when do  you talk like that is was kind of rude. and then tonight i took a call from this friend because my partner was at the store, and i must say i wasnt impressed by the way he was talking on one subject. we were talking about hunting and i said do you ever take your wife with you , he said no its guys only and no women aloud. it made think of the times my partner has said much the same thing over the last few yrs or its my time to get away. but yrs ago he would encourage me to get my hunting licence. i dont think this guy is the type of friend i would want my partner to have. and even though my partner is an adult and should have a mind of his own , i think he is a little bit influenced by this guy. there is something about the way he talks when hes talking to him. whatever i dont know why im writing this except that im analyzing again on the changes ive noticed in him over the years. Im going to talk to my father about this cabin set up again. im going to suggest that this should be temporary and that he should still move off the property but can still keep some of his animals as long as he still does the work on the farm. i know my soon ex would always look out for this place even if he didnt live here.  I just cant see myself getting over him that easy with him being here and what if he met someone , i surely would be devastated if he brought her here to the cabin. I would have to make that clear dont bring anyone out here.  i know  i made the decision to kick him out but its not what i wanted totally its just something i felt i needed to do. ive got a long way to go before i will get over this. i saw my doctor today and she wants me off work for a couple more weeks. thank goodness i know i wouldnt cope to well working. the water works come on to easily these days like at least 4 times throught the day.

Well so much for the idea I had about talking to my dad again. It  was a waste of time I tried to explain to him how serious this split is and that I dont think it is healthy for me to be living so close to my ex. I mentioned that I might have to move under the circumstances. I was hoping my dad would have said no dont do that. but no what he said is well Ill just tell your ex to move back into the house , he doesnt need to live in the cabin if your planning on moving out. I tried to explain that im his daughter and he should be supporting me not him. All he said was i know but im confused as to what is going on and when your ex asked if he could move into the cabin I was a little bit caught off guard. what a mess this isI cant believe my father wouldnt support me. I tried to explain a little bit about how and why my ex and I are not working out that its not much different than the other ex except its not with alcohol. he wonders how im going to pay the house bill now that the ex is moving to the back, well as far as im concerned the ex should still help with the bills. to live at the back and have no bill isnt really fair to me , I might as well live back there. How come it seems nothing goes right for me.

My longtime boyfriend has never lied to me about his penchant for porn...at least he was honest about it.  When we first got together, truthfully, I didn't know any better.  I had just come out of a 17 year marriage (I was married at 19) that was totally vanilla and I was looking for, I don't know...something.  I tried to be open minded.  I tried to think maybe it was me, maybe I was a prude, maybe there was more to this thing than I recognized and if used properly it could be a spice to a relationship.

Well, I feel differently now.  Now I feel that this is something that has great potential to be abused!  When a partner (equal opportunity here!) turns outside of the relationship to self soothe, then theres a bigger problem. 

I went to surprise my boyfriend this morning and found him with a porn site up and penis in hand.  I was shocked, to say the least.  I turned and walked out.  I made every effort not to blow a gasket and take a minute to breathe.  I felt I couldn't say anything because I accepted this as an okay thing early in our relationship and even though we didn't dicuss it, I knew in my gut he was still doing it.  How can I turn my "acceptance" around and say that I don't agree with using porn as a crutch?  I see it as weakness, a total lack of self-control when it becomes an addiction.  He is completely addicted!

I should mention, I am 6mo pregnant.  We have had HUGE trouble with that subject.  He was less than thrilled or willing to participate either emotionally or financially, but he has come around.  The problem is that we haven't had sex (much less made love) in MONTHS!  I feel sexy in my blooming body.  I crave him sexually, I am ready and willing at the drop of a hat to be with him...but he is turning to his computer rather than me and my feelings are HURT!  I want to be the one he desires.  I want to be kissed and held and petted!  I feel totally left out.  I don't know how or where to draw the line.  Is this a deal breaker?  I tried to talk to him and he initally wanted to break up.  Once he saw that I was trying not to blame and condem, he said he loved me but that I knew it and accepted it, how can I now be hypocritcal?  He had no explanation when I asked him why he hasn't had desire for me.  He said it was all about my needs and that basically I was being selfish...huh? 

A book you need to read is Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes.

I am on my second day of reading it and it makes a lot of sense.

It deals with minor to major sexual addicts and offenders -from porn and masturbation to incest and rape. So it gets kind of intense, but it helps see how people get to certain points, and how their loved ones and people around them are affected.

I highly recommend this book. I ran across it at B&N and looked it up when I got home on Amazon and it has gotten really outstanding reviews.

I also read another short book that I didn't WASTE money on, but it was written by a guy who was married and obsessed with porn and sex.  It was not as clinincal and psycological as Out of the Shadows.

However, he did say at one point that his obsession and habits (masturbating three times a day) had nothing to do with how attractive he thought his wife was.  He was totally hot for her.  However, if she didn't want to do it, in his mind, it would start this cycle or routine of resentment and excuses and finally a ritual of getting online, taking care of himself and then feeling guilty.  Out of Shadows is much better explaining, but my point is that his wife was NORMAL, it was HIM that internalized all kinds of crap.

I am 24 weeks pregnant...if you have time, look back to some of my other posts.  My husband is out of town on storm relief work. He left out right after he was kicked out of the house for a couple of days and I left town. So now, I am like forced to be nice and "there" for him.  I don't want to add fuel to the fire by being a bitch while he is gone.  He was open to counseling a couple of months ago, when I was in typical pregnancy tire/withdrawn world.  I am ready to go now!!  So I am torn between telling him while he's gone and letting him know where my head is, or waiting until he gets back.  I feel disingenuine not telling him.

He's acting very relieved that I am being nice to him and he's talking about buying baby stuff when he gets back and acting all excited, but has he asked me how I feel once?  no.  He asked about WORK.  I've been advised not to judge his parenting skills by his level of enthusiasm during the pregnancy. The lameest exptentant fathers can be wonderful dad and the most involved can turn out to be a jerk. 

anyways, like you, at first, porn didn't bother me because he had been single for months, and whatever. But now, it's a problem.

my first post starts August 28, 2008, 8:38 pm PDT

I think it may be some of the exact issues you have and the great peopl on here give FANTASTIC!!! responses, especially where having children is concerned.  Very insightful.

Hi,

Obviously after a 17yr marriage your not exactly looking to waste time ignoring your dislike of living with someone with a porn addiction ... just because you are boyfriend and girlfriend and its early days. Obviously eventually you will need to give yourself more, hopefully your not doing the same thing at 50

Your right, you knew what he was like from the beginning. You are VERY hell bent at wanting him to come your way and changing him despite what you have said:

I see it as weakness, a total lack of self-control when it becomes an addiction.  He is completely addicted!

He was less than thrilled or willing to participateeither emotionally or financially, but he has come around.

What makes you think that this is going to last long

we haven't had sex (much less made love) in MONTHS!

So he doesn't want to have sex with you. Maybe he doesn't want to do that when a woman is pregnant, because it doesn't turn him on. Who knows. Maybe he isn't attracted to you full stop.

he initally wanted to break up.

I feel sexy in my blooming body.  I crave him sexually, I am ready andwilling at the drop of a hat to be with him...but he is turning to hiscomputer rather than me and my feelings are HURT!  I want to be the onehe desires.  I want to be kissed and held and petted!  I feel totallyleft out.  I don't know how or where to draw the line.  Is this a dealbreaker?

Again, why are you trying to change him. You tried to live out this blissful period with your boyfriend, but have been rejected. This period of time where you are beautifully pregnant isn't going to last long. Why are you waiting for him?. Use protection and give yourself the chance to be a desirable woman again, with someone that desires you, and who you also desire.

Once he saw that I was trying not to blame and condem, he said he lovedme but that I knew it and accepted it, how can I now be hypocritcal?

Now he sees that he can take advantage of you, without causing a scene in breaking up. He thinks you are tolerant of all of the above things you talked about.

My advice is to accept the fact that he was like this in the beginning, and the two of you are still together. You need to take care of your feelings. You should string him along until you find someone that desires you and enjoys your company. He's doing the same to you. He's just satisfied with the outlet of it being porn. You would have to be pretty naive to think that he would pass up the opportunity to be f@#!ing someone else when the opportunity comes up. I'm not advocating you to break up with him, I just think you have to deal with it. Look after yourself. Feel good about yourself every way you can. Dont hold on to the fact that you are long term partners. People fall out of love all the time. You didnt really know what you were getting into in the beginning. Love yourself first.