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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

March 18, 2009, 9:34 am CDT

cybersex

on 2-13-09 I took my 3 kids upstate to visit my aunt. We stayed till Senday and had a great time.  When I got home something told me to go online Well I found out he had 2 email addressess and Made him give me the passwords. When I went on his Yahoo messenger I found messages that said home alone with toys,wife  is away and was chatting with other women trying to have camera sex with them .  Well he denied everything!!! The messages are still there and I read all of them. Im soooo angry and hurt and he doesnt care sayting everyone does it. Its a billion dollar industry!! What the hell.!! He spends all his time when Im ou t with the kids on porn sites. No wonder he always tells me to take all of them out with me. He always makes fun of me,he says theyre only jokes and puts me down and never compliments me on my looks. He says i never want to have sex with him. How can I When he makes me feel so ugly and worthless.  he says I shouldnt let it bother me. Im soo hurt and he doesnt care. Now he wants me to find a 3rd woman to join us for sex!!!!!God I want to die.!!!

 
March 19, 2009, 12:53 pm CDT

newby

hi guys,

 

im sarah

 
March 22, 2009, 6:05 am CDT

to all the new ppl here

I feel with you! if you all read each others posts you'll see your stories arent much diffrent! so too is mine, Kimmi's and so many other women out there! I hope all of you find this board as comforting and helpfullas I did! I came here about 5 years ago, with a story so simmilar to all of yours! my husband is a Porn addict! He admits it and tries very very hard to not look at it that much any more! but our storie is one of very violent fights and allot of degrading humiliating things that happend between us! so often he would rather watch porn then touch me or otherwise only touch me after watching porn! I did every thing to try and distract his mind from the porn, believe me every thing even stripping for him etc. I spoke to numerous men on the proporn board here, and even got to believing the whole thing was my fault! but now I want all of you girls(women) here to know ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. theres nothing you could do for him to NOt look at porn. they get addicted before most of us even meet them , because its not a drug, they think its safe but some how it changes them , it changes the way they look at us, they way they touch us and the way they love us! YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM!  YOU CANNOT FIX THIS, THEY NEED TO REALIZE THTA THEY HAVE A PROBLEM AND GO FOR HELP! PLEASE DON'T BLAME YOUR SELVES i KNOW THAT THIS BREAKS DOWN YOUR SELFESTEAM , BELIEVE ME I KNOW. this takes time! It took me to leave him for a whole weekend before he realized that I was serious about it before he realize that I could not live like that any more! he is an addict, i can't change that but he tries very hard every day!  its sad to see somany women hurting the way I did (and some times still do) but all I can do now is take it one day at a time and hope he doesn't get so bad again! kimmi and all the old folk here know what I have been thtough as I know what she has! its noteasy, and to all of you if you arent married to the men leave! leave NOW and don't come back! for those that are married without kids, seperate and see how things go! for those with kids: do you really want your kids raised with that? even then its better to try to leave! tell him you will leave if the porn doesnt go or if you don't go for help!

years ago there was a man on the porn board nicknamed Jeff. . . jeff and i had allot of conversations, he thought his wife didn't mind his porn use, and also believed that she supported him. then she left and jeff fell to pieces! Jeff started to realy listen to what we were saying. he finaly started realising how his usage made her feel, and he started to change! it was a heart renching situation! he did every thing he could! last I heard they were trying to work things out! for allot of us there is an happy ending! you just have to keep on hoping and praying! I wish you all the luck in the world , and will try to come online soon so that if there is any thing that you would like to ask or say ! please feel free my life is an open book!

God bless you all!

Love

Joline

 
March 22, 2009, 6:17 am CDT

Hi there!

Quote From: andimansmom

I FOUND OUT 1 YEAR AGO MY HUSBAND WAS ON ADULT LIVE CHAT ROOMS PICKING OUT GIRLS TO HAVE CYBERSEX WITH. I HAD WONDERED WHY HE DIDN'T WANT SEX ANYMORE WITH ME AFTER ONLY LESS THAN 1 YR. TOGETHER. FOR 4 YEARS WE WERE SEXLESS. HE AND I BOTH ARE CHRISTIANS AND THIS WAS THE FURTEREST FROM MY THOUGHTS. HE BORROWED MY COMPUTER AFTER HIS BROKE AND FORGOT TO ERASE THE HISTORY.HE SAID HE HD JUST DONE IT A FEW TIMES TO SEE WHAT IT WAS LIKE. BUT, AFTER MY CHECKING HIS CELL PHONE AND OTHER THINGS, I FOUND OUT HE'D BEEN SPENDING AROUND $500. MONTHLY ON THES XXX SITES. HE WOULD COME TO BED, THEN JUMP UP AND SAY HE COULDN'T SLEEP. I'D FIND HIM ON THE TIOLET WITH THE COMPUTER,ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING. HE SAID JUST PLAYING A GAME. HE WAS ALWAYS IN LA LA LAND AND STOPPED TALKING TO ME. HE'D SIT STARING AT THE COMPUTER EVEN WHEN IT WASN'T ON.WHEN I FOUND HIM HE PROMISED NOT TO DO IT ANYMORE. RIGHT.!!I FOUND FLASH CARDS WITH SITES LIKE PICTURES TO GO,PORN TO GO. I LOOKED THEM UP. THEY WERE SITES ON WHICH CELL PHONES TO BUY FOR THE BEST EUREOPEAN PORN. EVERYTIME I LEFT THE HOUSE HE WENT TO THE CHAT SITES AND HAD SEX, I KNEW. HE CLEANED THE TOILET.I TOO FEEL IT IS MY FALT EVEN THOUGH TWO SEX THERAPIST HAVE SAID IT IS HIM,NOT ME.HE DID QUIT.MOSTLY BECAUSE OF THE COST,I THINK.HE THINKS HE FOOLED ME.BUT,EVERYTHING THAT CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH HAD SEXUAL OVERTURES. NOW, I FOUND OUT THE MEN EMPLOYEES AT HIS WORK ARE DOWNLOADING PORN.I THINK HE'S DOING IT AGAIN. BUT, I CAN'T DEAL. HE EVEN HAS GONE BEHIND MY BACK AND SEEN OTHER WOMEN. THIS IS THE RESULT OF HIS CORRUPTED MIND.I TOO HAVE THOUGHT OF SUICIDE.LEAVING MAY NOT BE AN OPTION AS I AM DISABLED WITH VERY LIMITED INCOME.THIS IS AGAINST THE BIBLE AND MAKES ME FEEL UGLY.

I know your pain all to well! but please do not ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!   NOMATTER WHAT YOU DO IT WON'T CHANGE AS THE FAULT DOESNT LIE WITH YOU ITS WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to blame my self for it all just to realise that I have no control over it and that I CANNOT help  him! or fix it its all up to him to realise there is a problem and that HE needs to do some thing about it! some of them hear what you say when you say there is a problem! some of them only realise that its a problem when they have lost you! you have to get to the point where you let him to the point where he makes the choice! you cannot fix him or this its some thing that he has to do this all by her self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck!

Luv

Joline

 
March 22, 2009, 6:22 am CDT

To all of you out there

Reesee as you put it " I feel a kinship to you"

you said it so right! we all have so much in commom though we live so far apart I live in South Africa and yet I can share your pain in all the ways!

its a shame that pain has to bring ppl closser! but atleast we can help, comfort and support each other!

God bless you all!

Have a great week!

Love you all sister!

Joline

 
March 22, 2009, 6:28 am CDT

what is this I read about the boards bing read only? is this true?????

 
March 24, 2009, 9:38 am CDT

How do I get over it?

When my husband and I started dating he and I would occasionally look at porn together.  He told me he wasn't interested in looking at him by himself because he would rather think about me.
After we got married every so often I would see that he was looking at porn on the computer but it didn't really bother me, our sex life was good and we spent lots of quality time together.
After we had been married a few months I got sick, and as part of that we couldn't have sex for almost a month. 
During that month he started looking at porn a lot.  We hardly spent any time together.  I bought him an iPod and he filled it with porn. He made a point to show me the girls he had on there.  In the same period of time he had to submit a semen sample to his doctor.  Without trying to sound crude here I asked if I could help him.  He told me no, he would rather do it himself, so he left me in the bedroom and took the iPod to the bathroom.
I felt so awful about myself, like I wasn't good enough for him.  Later that night I broke down in tears and told him how I felt.  I have never cried in front of my husband before.  He told me he was sorry, and he understood why I was upset.  He told me he felt awful and he said looking back on it he realized he had been looking at porn a lot, and he was going to stop entirely.  Please know that I did not demand he stop entirely,  that was his own idea.  I told him how much I appreciated him doing that, and I felt really good.  I felt closer to him than I had before, that he was willing to do this for me.
So for five months things have been going great.  Then two weeks ago I had to use his computer.  He had left a folder open.  It was full of porn. 
I was devastated.  I called  him at work, he accused me of snooping, saying he never would have left it open.  Well the night before he had been drinking so I guess he got careless.
We talked a long time that night, I will be honest I cried a lot, but we didn't shout.  I think I am more upset that he lied to me then the porn itself, although I am pretty upset at that too.
I asked him, how could he lie to me?  He said he didn't think it was a big deal.  How is lying not a big deal?
I feel like a disgusting person, a huge fat slob that isn't sexually appealing to her husband.  Why else would he need to do this?
He has gone back spending most of his nights on the computer while I make dinner and clean, but he says he isn't looking at porn anymore.  He says I have to trust him.  How can I trust him?
He still wants sex every night.  I know sex is an important part of a relationship but I can't stand to have him look at me.  So I get drunk.  Every night I do 2-3 shots of vodka so we can have sex.
A few days ago I told him how upset I still was, he got very mad and went and slept in the car.  So now I feel like I can't even talk to him.  I keep it all bottled up.
What do I do?  I love him, I want to fix this, but what do I do?  I am so lost.  I know the drinking isn't healthy but I feel like if we don't have sex he will leave me, and I don't want that.
 
March 26, 2009, 8:26 am CDT

WHO IS HE

I am so hurt. I feel as if I don't know whom I have been married to for 37 years. Now how or what do I do. Just thinking out loud. Will I ever trust him again? I am so disgusted. More than that.. I ache deep inside... just like when our child died. BUT I can't share my pain with anyone.

 
March 28, 2009, 3:37 am CDT

sorry you are in such pain.

Quote From: shatteredpiece

I am so hurt. I feel as if I don't know whom I have been married to for 37 years. Now how or what do I do. Just thinking out loud. Will I ever trust him again? I am so disgusted. More than that.. I ache deep inside... just like when our child died. BUT I can't share my pain with anyone.

I left a man because he was addicted to porn. Which is a symptom of much more then a mere curiousity and need to get off once in a while in privacy. An addiction consumes all your free time, and unfortunately, being married and being consumed by porn is definately not conducive to a healthy and intimate relationship.  But there are those that look at porn once in a while because no one is around to satisfy the need. Its a quick fix, if anything else.

 

If your hubby looks or looked at it once or twice in the past month, its probably nothing to worry about. If your sex life has been scant, and he looks at porn once or twice a month, then there is a problem.

 

Only you know if there are other problems within your marriage. Porn usually is not a problem, its usually something else and porn is the only thing you can tangibly grab a hold to because you are not discussing or feel in control of the real problem.

 

If you feel betrayed by his actions by looking at porn, then you need to tell him how it makes you feel, then you need to listen to him and why he feels a need to go outside of your relationship for sexual satisfaction. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then you have a man that is hiding something much greater then an occasional lazy man's way to orgasm. Good luck. I hope this helped.

 
April 13, 2009, 8:54 pm CDT

Love, Hate, Not able trust, Worthless, Ugly, jealousy,and soo much more

I have been married to my husband (a great man loving father, husband and a soldier) for almost 2 years i just found out that he has been looking at porn. I told my husband be for we ever got married how i felt about porn and that i would leave him over it he told me he never looked or watched anything like that and i trusted him. Well when he got home from Iraq and i moved in with him i found some things on his laptop so i asked about it he told me it was from a friend he put it on there and then i found more i was SO up set and i couldn't look at him it was like haven sex with him after him sleeping with some one else i didn't what him to put his hands on me or anything well that was almost a year ago and couple months ago i found some stuff and he finally wanted to open up and tell me stuff even if he didn't tell me everything well he told me he used to look at it as much as he could so he has been lien to me sense be for we got married. I think what hurts the most is the lien it was like he didn't tell me then so that i would marry him and every time i would ask about him being around girls or talking to any girls he would git pissed and want to know why i didn't trust him then i found out all of the porn stuff how in the world could i trust him and how will i ever be able to? i felt very played  i have never been so hurt by any one in my life. he couldn't tell me anything really not what kinds of things he looked at or how much or when he did it or even why he would also look at other girls while i was right next to him and me big big and fat pregnant with his baby. i wouldn't go out after that i felt fat and ugly and id cry wanting to have him so that i wouldn't be fat anymore and now with the baby fat i still feel the same way i want to lose the fat and look good for me also but i feel like if he is going to look at other girls why should i look my best and get nothing out of it and him get me and the pleaser of looking at them. i just don't see why men have to look at porn. I waited tell i was married to have sex and i believe that even looking at other people is cheating and also that if your in love you have no eyes for any one else. i love my husband very much but i dint know how i am ever going to forgive him for hurting me so bad even if he really stops this.

 
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