Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

well when i first met my husband i knew he watched porn because i found porn in his movie collection case.. i thought it was kinda funny at fist but i didnt know how much he actually enjoyed watching it.. I dont mind that he watches it.. i kinda hate the fact that he wants me to do things that he sees in porn.. i'm sorry but their are certain things i will not do.. it just crazy.. i hate how sometimes he tries to preassure me into trying these things.. i kinda feel disrespected by it

Unfortunately, I know what it is like to be involved/married to a person that is addicted to porn. The reason I say addicted is because anything that gets in the way of life, healthy relationships, family, friendships, jobs, etc. is an addiction. It does not have to be a physical one to be classified an addiction. OK? ....

 

Looking at porn does not make a person an addict. Nor does smoking one cigarett or having one drink make one a nicotine or alcohol addict. But it is an addiction when it is done daily. Doing anything daily can bring one very close to addiction. It happens.

 

Unless you are really smart, hyper alert, you won't see addictiion until it becomes a problem.  People hide their addictions very very very well....until something happens. And something will happen, eventually.

 

I attempted to see my ex's porn use as frivilous, non chalant, normal usage, until I noticed an emotionally distance between us...even if he said everything was fine. People who use porn still want sex, so its not one of those addictions that are very easy to pick out. But what does happen is the erosion of the relationship somehow seems to take place. Porn is sex for the lazy person. Eventually, the lazy person wants the lazy way out all the time. So they won't try so hard to get some...outside of manipulating the woman into sex by blaming her for his porn use. It happens all the time. Think of the parents of a child that becomes a heroine addict???? The parents blame themselves, right? Well, the woman blames herself and it is a tough battle to convince us that we had nothing to do with this ....that is something they have chosen....which makes it even more frustrating.

 

But you can't deny it, ok? The best thing to do is move away from these people because they do not know what it means to love someone intimately. Porn use is for those that are fearful of intimacy. Fearful of the committment involved. God forbid they have to perform and fail????? OH my....:)))))))

 

If you have any questions, pose them here. I will b e happy to help.

I am new to this but have read some stories that are in the same ball park as mine.  In a nut shell, on mothers day last year a caught my husband corresponding with other females on line on porn sites. And through our discussions I found out he had been doing it for about 2 years.  He claims he never meet any of the women face to face.  We sat down with out pastor and started working through it.  I thought things were going ok until I caught him web camming a week before christmas.  Not only had I caught him he then confesses that he had been doing it  all along but he didn't want to say anything the first tiime I caught him because he knew I would leave him.  Since then trust seems obsolete in my marriage. He is now being deployed to Iraq and yes I am concerned about his safety but I am also concerned about his wayward ways.  He doesn't think that what he did was a form of cheating but I do.  Any advice.

Not that I find that so odd because my ex husband looked at pornn the nite I was laid up in the hospital! It just goes to show that sex and porn have a stronghold on some people...much more then someone else anyway.  A lot of people look at porn, do their thing, and move on. To others, it take the place of intimacy with their lovers, and when their lovers are not around they go to it like a "waiting" lover. I equate this not necessarily with cheating but definately showing a lack of restraint and committment.

 

I kind of look at a guys porn use like a girls shopping sprees. If she does it once a month, then its not a problem...if she does it everytime her man is unavailable...then it is a problem. I guess what I am trying to say is there is a time and a place for everything.

 

Once a person proves themselves to be a liar, even in a little way (but significant) it would be foolish to trust that person. So, if you guy is being deployed, wish him only the best and thank him for fighting for us, but he is still a liar and fighting in a war doesn't make him a truth teller...but a man that would fight for his country but lie to his wife....Kimi

I feel if a man needs to look at another Womens privates he is not satisfied with yours I feel in my eyes and Gods this is a sin. Men need to undrestand a womens view put it this way I know its only on a screen but how would you men like it if your mate went and watched men stripping in front of your mate oh you know you would hate that but if you men think about it this is the same thing and you know why I feel this way is because I have been through this. You men need to love your mate and understand your eyes only belong to your mates parts not all the world.

I think it is not being fair to put sex/porn in the same sentance as religion.  If a person has a strong faith in something, that something begins to represent a "way of life".  A person that believes in God could very well turn into a murderer, rapist, etc.  Faith and sex do not belong together.  I would think that doing something that harms or hurts someone we love, would take even more precedence over a belief system.

 

Yet we need direction because we are all sinners, meaning we all screw up, but god would forgive, has forgiven us, so we need to learn how to be more forgiving.  If we believe we are better because we want someone to be subjected to the same or similar pain, creating sin ourselves, then we are truly not on a God loving path but one based in fear and judgement.

 

I am a believe in God, btw.

 

I believe we have to look at the ones that doing the sinning, the porn looking, the cheating, lying, stealing, harming themselves and others, and understand that they are suffering and only until we see their sinning as a weak character, and lacking morals, then we can see that we can't be angry or hurt for too long because their choices have nothing to do with us!!!!!!  I think we go real wrong when we take rejection, lying, cheating, etc, as a personal dig. This person was like this before we met them.....how could it possibly our doing? So anyone experiencing her husband looking at porn, its not that he is satisfied but insatible. Two separate entities.  Never being satisfied is suffering.

 

It is easy to feel betrayed, rejected, abandoned, its difficult to know that acceptance of self begins with self and we are never rejected or alone and betrayal is only a temporary thing unless we choose to hang onto it. I would never suggest sticking around abuse but I think people need to be brutally honest when they are in relationships with other people because they are sure to disappoint at some points in time. We can't expect people to be perfect yet we ourselves can remain tainted and sinning.

 

So to all those dealing with porn use in their lives? See him as a man that is struggling, talk to him about how it is not good for him, honestly . YOu need to give him good reasons why too. Not just it makesyou feel jealous, insecure, etc. What about what it is doing tohim and your relationship and his mind?  Then if he does not care, then you need to figure out if you can live with someone that will continue to do this, or make plans to walk away and be more careful that sexuality, intimacy, romance, love are discussed before you give your heart to them.  Kimi

my guy does the porn also but he doesnt care,it is cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! help

Making it difficulty to really help. Please answer the following questions so we can get a better idea of your situation:

Are you married?
Do you have children?
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can someone help me with this matter email me @krissyspoor@yahoo.com

i have the same feelings towards this issue