Message Boards

Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

June 15, 2009, 4:54 am CDT

I don't think it means they are not satisfied .

Quote From: victimnhell

i have the same feelings towards this issue

But more "insatible". The craving becomes a need. Anytime we have a need so strong that it can influence our relationships in a negative way, is crucial.  Whether it is porn, or working too much, neglect, lack of hygiene, lack of consideration, these are the things that can wreck havoc on a relationship. I was married to a man that looked at porn daily, and it wouldn't have really had an effect of me but it had an effect on him, which then had an affect on us.  See?

 

Porn use is not the problem in these cases, but a lack of consideration and respect. Very very important to acknowledge the difference.  If my husband thought I was looking at porn it would be ok with him, because it was ok to him. He thought my having dinner with a male friend was wrong because he didn't have dinner with female friends. Its all projections and reflections. What bothers you, his porn use, is not because he looks at porn, but because you don't. And that is cool. But it doesn't make it wrong, it makes it right for him, but wrong for you. Now you have to seriously think if you can spend the rest of your life with someone that does not feel about things the way you do.

 

BTW. I left my husband. Not because of his porn use, because of unwillingness to help me understand why it is important to him so that I didn't take it as a personal dig. He looked at porn so much, he didn't want sex with me. I couldn't live with a non sexual life. Now I am single, and non sexual, poop, but at least I do not need to keep a focus on him and blame him. He is free to look at all the porn he wants and not have sex, and I can have sex or not without being a cheater. I hope this helps.

 
June 23, 2009, 9:47 pm CDT

Hurt

 

I always knew that my h maybe had a problem with porn but I guess I was in denial. About 5 years ego I would find magazines, then tapes and later porn sites in the computer. As of today I was looking thru my computer and see sites that no one could think of. Then the shocking site came and tha as live web cam. I am hurt and I dont se how it is my fault but I keep thinking that I maybe to setisfy him. I am confused and he has promied before that he will stop  but he never stops. Now he dont want me to talk about it because he states that he will stop but how am I suppose to belive him now when he has said that before.

 I really belive he needs help and I just dont think I am able to go thru this anymore.

 
June 24, 2009, 7:00 am CDT

Is it cheating

I get very hurt and feel left out because he likes porn and won't have anything to do with me....his latest  stumble has put me at the end of my rope. He had an Asian message that ended up him being gratified by this person. He says since there was no actual intercourse that it isn't cheating. I feel it is!  I am to the point that I shouldn't be with him anymore. Am I  wrong?

 
July 16, 2009, 6:57 am CDT

message boards

Quote From: paradox42

I get very hurt and feel left out because he likes porn and won't have anything to do with me....his latest  stumble has put me at the end of my rope. He had an Asian message that ended up him being gratified by this person. He says since there was no actual intercourse that it isn't cheating. I feel it is!  I am to the point that I shouldn't be with him anymore. Am I  wrong?

I'm trying to figure this out.  I'm never able to get back to the same board, or find my posts.  As anyone there?
 
July 16, 2009, 6:58 am CDT

message boards

Quote From: paradox42

I get very hurt and feel left out because he likes porn and won't have anything to do with me....his latest  stumble has put me at the end of my rope. He had an Asian message that ended up him being gratified by this person. He says since there was no actual intercourse that it isn't cheating. I feel it is!  I am to the point that I shouldn't be with him anymore. Am I  wrong?

I'm trying to figure this out.  I'm never able to get back to the same board, or find my posts.  Is anyone there?
 
July 16, 2009, 7:08 am CDT

Support

Hi!  I'm new to this.  If there is anyone who would like to talk and support each other, please reply.  This isn't something that I care to discuss with my family or friends at this point, and I feel very alone.  It would help to share w/someone who can empathize.
 
July 19, 2009, 10:25 am CDT

hey

Quote From: obentick

 

I always knew that my h maybe had a problem with porn but I guess I was in denial. About 5 years ego I would find magazines, then tapes and later porn sites in the computer. As of today I was looking thru my computer and see sites that no one could think of. Then the shocking site came and tha as live web cam. I am hurt and I dont se how it is my fault but I keep thinking that I maybe to setisfy him. I am confused and he has promied before that he will stop  but he never stops. Now he dont want me to talk about it because he states that he will stop but how am I suppose to belive him now when he has said that before.

 I really belive he needs help and I just dont think I am able to go thru this anymore.

my husband and i have always had an issue with porn,we,ve been together for nearly 4 yrs and he stopped watching it for 2 yrs but now he says all men do it and its not cheating.I on the other hand think it is.I told my husband i think he needs help but he just comes back saying its normail ALL MEN DO IT AND ITS NOT A BIG DEAL.
 
July 20, 2009, 4:08 am CDT

obentic and capree

Quote From: capree

my husband and i have always had an issue with porn,we,ve been together for nearly 4 yrs and he stopped watching it for 2 yrs but now he says all men do it and its not cheating.I on the other hand think it is.I told my husband i think he needs help but he just comes back saying its normail ALL MEN DO IT AND ITS NOT A BIG DEAL.

I divorced my h mainly because he was addicted to porn and used it because he was unable to have an intimate, loving relationship with me because of it.  To many, porn is used because they don't want to deal with the ties of another human being. It becomes "the" source of sex. Some feel bad about that, others don't give a hoot.

 

Since then, I have opened my eyes real wide and believe I finally see the side of sexuality that has forever plagued me. It is true that prehistorically, men were the hunters, away from home a lot, and women were the gatherers, nurturing the soil, family, etc. Men use the reasoning "it is their right", women who use their sexuality (as in porn) feel it is their right to be sexually alluring to all at all times. If that is the case, then so be it. I think men should be with women that are like them. But I wonder why most men do not have these types of women? 

 

Because these women don't want them.

 

And these men don't want these women.

 

It is all an act. Its a ploy in order for them to keep away from loving intimate relationships. No amount of conversation can convince me a person with these morals can also raise a family and honestly look at themselves in the mirror and love who they are!

 

It is difficult for me to find compassion for someone that has great potential to hurt me, but it is important for all of us to find compassion for these men.  The pain you feel is based in ego; that somehow someone is doing something to hurt YOU.  People don't do things to hurt US. They do them because they are hurting.  It is difficult to find compassion when someone is hurting us, but it is the only way.

 

Now, I am not saying to stay in a situation that is outrightly bad for us. Walk away if there is danger. But until you learn the lesson you need to, and it is not his porn use, but probably more your shaky spirit/soul that is making you suffer.  Q:  Would you keep eating something you didn't like because it was being fed to you?  Only if you were forced, right?  Would you question why you did't like it or would you just assume you didn't like it and turn it away?   That is precisiouly what we need to do when we are being fed bad intentions from our "friends/lovers" and try to convince ourselves their intentions are good.

 

Kimi

 
July 21, 2009, 5:47 am CDT

mine too!

Quote From: capree

my husband and i have always had an issue with porn,we,ve been together for nearly 4 yrs and he stopped watching it for 2 yrs but now he says all men do it and its not cheating.I on the other hand think it is.I told my husband i think he needs help but he just comes back saying its normail ALL MEN DO IT AND ITS NOT A BIG DEAL.
I understand the frustration.  My husband says all men do it, and just because their wives don't think they do doesn't mean they don't.  We had a difficult weekend discussing the subject, especially since it was our anniversary.  I've got to go take the kids somewhere, but I'm looking forward to chatting more later.
 
July 21, 2009, 11:37 am CDT

not sure

Quote From: kimikomine

I divorced my h mainly because he was addicted to porn and used it because he was unable to have an intimate, loving relationship with me because of it.  To many, porn is used because they don't want to deal with the ties of another human being. It becomes "the" source of sex. Some feel bad about that, others don't give a hoot.

 

Since then, I have opened my eyes real wide and believe I finally see the side of sexuality that has forever plagued me. It is true that prehistorically, men were the hunters, away from home a lot, and women were the gatherers, nurturing the soil, family, etc. Men use the reasoning "it is their right", women who use their sexuality (as in porn) feel it is their right to be sexually alluring to all at all times. If that is the case, then so be it. I think men should be with women that are like them. But I wonder why most men do not have these types of women? 

 

Because these women don't want them.

 

And these men don't want these women.

 

It is all an act. Its a ploy in order for them to keep away from loving intimate relationships. No amount of conversation can convince me a person with these morals can also raise a family and honestly look at themselves in the mirror and love who they are!

 

It is difficult for me to find compassion for someone that has great potential to hurt me, but it is important for all of us to find compassion for these men.  The pain you feel is based in ego; that somehow someone is doing something to hurt YOU.  People don't do things to hurt US. They do them because they are hurting.  It is difficult to find compassion when someone is hurting us, but it is the only way.

 

Now, I am not saying to stay in a situation that is outrightly bad for us. Walk away if there is danger. But until you learn the lesson you need to, and it is not his porn use, but probably more your shaky spirit/soul that is making you suffer.  Q:  Would you keep eating something you didn't like because it was being fed to you?  Only if you were forced, right?  Would you question why you did't like it or would you just assume you didn't like it and turn it away?   That is precisiouly what we need to do when we are being fed bad intentions from our "friends/lovers" and try to convince ourselves their intentions are good.

 

Kimi

I don't feel there is danger, other than getting hurt.  I don't think he has a shaky soul, but doesn't view porn the way I do.  I think he's more selfish.  I feel it is sinful.  I think that these women probably had something very sad happen in their childhood to bring them to this point.  Also, their is undeniably crime involved with this industry.  Therefore, I don't understand how men can get their jollies off on it.  I think it does steer the soul away from what is healthy. They are living in some fantasy land, and it skews their perception of reality.  I do think he's a good dad, provider, and he loves me.  He definitely doesn't use this to avoid intimacy with me.  If he is hurting, I guess it's because we are not together as often as he like.  He wants to me intimate with me too often.  It's like he has a movie running through his head, and I'm there to play the role.  It's not like I'm a prude, or that we are never together.  It's about 1x or 2x a week.  We recently went away for the weekend, and did it 3x in two days.  I wish he could focus on the times that we are together, rather than not being together often enough.  So here is my story with porn:  3 years ago I found out that he was looking at on-line (free) porn.  He said he would stop.  I found out how to check the history, and found he was still looking at it.  I asked him if he was.  He said, "no."  Then I showed him the printout of use.  He lied straight to my face.  This was a tough one to get over.  Fast Forward, we recently were in an argument.  I asked if he used porn, and to please be honest with me.  He said only when he travels.  I asked if there was in any way porn in this house.  He said, "no."  He swore.  The next day I came home unexpectedly and found him with his pants around his ankles viewing porn on his work computer (during work day).  I'm really upset about the lying and deceit.  To top it off he blamed me that he did it because of something I said during the argument.  Last week I felt like I was in the depths of despair.  I seriously considered divorcing him.  I felt as though I couldn't keep going through this hurt anymore.  Whenever I tried to talk to him about it he turned it around on me.  I said, you lied right to my face.  He said, "you lied because you said we would do it three times a week with all the bells and whistles."  Don't recall making such a deal, but he believes we did. I told him that makes me feel like his personal porn star.  I took the Dr. Phil advice that he has to chose between porn and me.  He said he chose me years ago, but apparently I didn't live up to my end of the bargain.  He said he will stop porn, but that means I have to grant him access to me more often.  I feel like I'm being held emotionally hostage.  You better step it up, or else.  We have jobs, kids, he travels, LIFE!  Where is he being realistic?  He said he did the numbers, and when you compute how often it really takes out of the week it isn't asking much.  It isn't just the amount of times a week.  I feel like he talks to me disrespectfully.  He says he is just complimenting me because I'm insecure.  He says things like, "when do I get to tap that ass again?"  "look at that fine onion of an ass,"  "what do you expect when you wear those p@#$$y pants."  I want to be with him less and less.  NOW?  I have no idea when I'll feel like being with him again.  I suggested a separation and divorce, but now I regret it.  We have young kids, I don't want to go it alone, and I do sometimes love him.  I just don't want to go through this pain and hurt.  He's so frustrating!  He thinks this is totally normal guy stuff.  He said he did stop for a year, but we went two weeks one time, and that got him started again.  I can't have him doing this in our house.  It's disrespectful to me, it is dangerous for the kids, and on his work computer!  He said he found a way around it, so they can't catch him.  I guess you can log in anonymously.  I don't see how men can excuse this away as being totally normal when they know that it hurts and destroys families.  I keep bouncing it around like a ping pong is it normal?  am I overreacting? can I live with this?  Every time I walk out of the house I worry, when he travels, when I go to bed early.  He said it's not as often as I think.  I don't know what to think.  I'm trying to find a marriage counselor.  Of course, he won't go to a woman.  He thinks we are going to gang up on him about the evils of porn.  When I suggested he chose between porn and me I didn't mean my body.  I meant my heart, my trust in him, respect for him.  He's just so confident in his point of view that he's right and I am wrong.  Anyway, thanks for listening.  I like your advice about being force fed.  Like Dr. Phil says (paraphrase), you set the standards for how people treat you. 
 
First | Prev | 491 | 492 | 493 | 494 | 495 | 496 | 497 | 498 | Next | Last