Message Boards
Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship
Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.
As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.
|
July 21, 2009, 11:45 am PDT
 Quote From: calligraphy I understand the frustration. My husband says all men do it, and just because their wives don't think they do doesn't mean they don't. We had a difficult weekend discussing the subject, especially since it was our anniversary. I've got to go take the kids somewhere, but I'm looking forward to chatting more later. That is exactly what my husband says too. He thinks it isn't cheating, since it isn't physical contact. I wonder if we pull the plug on porn if it leads the way to cheating. Does porn give men an outlet that prevents them from cheating? Or, does porn escalate into the next level...phone sex, cyber sex, all out cheating. I'm not sure what to think. We are going to try marriage counseling. What is your next step? I'm so afraid that if we don't address a change now I'll just be going through this hurt 1 year, 5, 10 down the road. |
|
|
July 23, 2009, 9:29 pm PDT
My husband watches what I call soft porn . Never really shows anything but half way looks like sex . On the channel he watches there are prostitutes talking about what it takes to please a woman . This makes madder than heck I am not a prostitute I am his wife . Needless when he tries this crap on me I go through the roof . Is he stupid or just an uncaring Bas#%$@ ?!! It has gotten to the point where he disgusts me my sex drive is deader than hell . He is on testosterone therapy which makes him want sex a lot if I say no for any reason he gets mad and storms off and wont speak till he gets sex . I love him but do not want him unless he can't get what a common whore says out of his thoughts . I dont know where to turn but I am at the end of my rope . |
|
|
July 24, 2009, 8:21 pm PDT
Quote From: susanh1965 My husband watches what I call soft porn . Never really shows anything but half way looks like sex . On the channel he watches there are prostitutes talking about what it takes to please a woman . This makes madder than heck I am not a prostitute I am his wife . Needless when he tries this crap on me I go through the roof . Is he stupid or just an uncaring Bas#%$@ ?!! It has gotten to the point where he disgusts me my sex drive is deader than hell . He is on testosterone therapy which makes him want sex a lot if I say no for any reason he gets mad and storms off and wont speak till he gets sex . I love him but do not want him unless he can't get what a common whore says out of his thoughts . I dont know where to turn but I am at the end of my rope . I'm not sure what I have for advice, but want you to know I can empathize with your frustrations. I watched the Bachelorette the other night. Not sure if you watch it, but this guy had said to the bachelorette that she has a great ass, and said her tit was hanging out, etc. The host of the show said he made her feel very uncomfortable. The guy said he didn't understand what the big deal was, that he was just complimenting her. The host then turns to the audience of women and asked if they consider it a compliment. It was a resounding NO! Maybe some men just don't get that some women don't want to be talked to in a vulgar manner. My husband was talking about something unrelated to porn today, and said such vulgarity. I curse, but there is crossing a line with certain things. I think I need to draw more of a definite line. He can talk like that around his buddies, but not me. I understand how it is disgusting/turn off. I've told my husband many times that sometimes I feel like a whore, I'm not! I wish my husband didn't have such a high level of testosterone. I'm not sure where you can turn, but I'm here to listen. |
|
|
July 25, 2009, 8:24 pm PDT
Quote From: calligraphy I'm not sure what I have for advice, but want you to know I can empathize with your frustrations. I watched the Bachelorette the other night. Not sure if you watch it, but this guy had said to the bachelorette that she has a great ass, and said her tit was hanging out, etc. The host of the show said he made her feel very uncomfortable. The guy said he didn't understand what the big deal was, that he was just complimenting her. The host then turns to the audience of women and asked if they consider it a compliment. It was a resounding NO! Maybe some men just don't get that some women don't want to be talked to in a vulgar manner. My husband was talking about something unrelated to porn today, and said such vulgarity. I curse, but there is crossing a line with certain things. I think I need to draw more of a definite line. He can talk like that around his buddies, but not me. I understand how it is disgusting/turn off. I've told my husband many times that sometimes I feel like a whore, I'm not! I wish my husband didn't have such a high level of testosterone. I'm not sure where you can turn, but I'm here to listen. I have tried yo draw that line with big red letters . I think a lot of men don't get it . It is like they don't want a loose woman to marry but they want their wife to be a ho is the bedroom and a lady every where else . Can they really have it both ways ? This woman was a prostitute and gives advise on women and talked about spankings turning a woman on . Well when I think of spankings I think of my dad and he doesn't belong in my bed . My new father in law asked about our sex life I was so appauled I wanted to smack him to disrespect me like that . I told him off then told my husband's mother how could she sit there with that stupid smile after what he just asked infront of her . They are in their 70's I personally dont want to know about my son's sex life . I don't want to come off like a prude but for petesake does anyone have respect anymore ? |
|
|
July 26, 2009, 4:30 am PDT
Quote From: calligraphy I don't feel there is danger, other than getting hurt. I don't think he has a shaky soul, but doesn't view porn the way I do. I think he's more selfish. I feel it is sinful. I think that these women probably had something very sad happen in their childhood to bring them to this point. Also, their is undeniably crime involved with this industry. Therefore, I don't understand how men can get their jollies off on it. I think it does steer the soul away from what is healthy. They are living in some fantasy land, and it skews their perception of reality. I do think he's a good dad, provider, and he loves me. He definitely doesn't use this to avoid intimacy with me. If he is hurting, I guess it's because we are not together as often as he like. He wants to me intimate with me too often. It's like he has a movie running through his head, and I'm there to play the role. It's not like I'm a prude, or that we are never together. It's about 1x or 2x a week. We recently went away for the weekend, and did it 3x in two days. I wish he could focus on the times that we are together, rather than not being together often enough. So here is my story with porn: 3 years ago I found out that he was looking at on-line (free) porn. He said he would stop. I found out how to check the history, and found he was still looking at it. I asked him if he was. He said, "no." Then I showed him the printout of use. He lied straight to my face. This was a tough one to get over. Fast Forward, we recently were in an argument. I asked if he used porn, and to please be honest with me. He said only when he travels. I asked if there was in any way porn in this house. He said, "no." He swore. The next day I came home unexpectedly and found him with his pants around his ankles viewing porn on his work computer (during work day). I'm really upset about the lying and deceit. To top it off he blamed me that he did it because of something I said during the argument. Last week I felt like I was in the depths of despair. I seriously considered divorcing him. I felt as though I couldn't keep going through this hurt anymore. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it he turned it around on me. I said, you lied right to my face. He said, "you lied because you said we would do it three times a week with all the bells and whistles." Don't recall making such a deal, but he believes we did. I told him that makes me feel like his personal porn star. I took the Dr. Phil advice that he has to chose between porn and me. He said he chose me years ago, but apparently I didn't live up to my end of the bargain. He said he will stop porn, but that means I have to grant him access to me more often. I feel like I'm being held emotionally hostage. You better step it up, or else. We have jobs, kids, he travels, LIFE! Where is he being realistic? He said he did the numbers, and when you compute how often it really takes out of the week it isn't asking much. It isn't just the amount of times a week. I feel like he talks to me disrespectfully. He says he is just complimenting me because I'm insecure. He says things like, "when do I get to tap that ass again?" "look at that fine onion of an ass," "what do you expect when you wear those p@#$$y pants." I want to be with him less and less. NOW? I have no idea when I'll feel like being with him again. I suggested a separation and divorce, but now I regret it. We have young kids, I don't want to go it alone, and I do sometimes love him. I just don't want to go through this pain and hurt. He's so frustrating! He thinks this is totally normal guy stuff. He said he did stop for a year, but we went two weeks one time, and that got him started again. I can't have him doing this in our house. It's disrespectful to me, it is dangerous for the kids, and on his work computer! He said he found a way around it, so they can't catch him. I guess you can log in anonymously. I don't see how men can excuse this away as being totally normal when they know that it hurts and destroys families. I keep bouncing it around like a ping pong is it normal? am I overreacting? can I live with this? Every time I walk out of the house I worry, when he travels, when I go to bed early. He said it's not as often as I think. I don't know what to think. I'm trying to find a marriage counselor. Of course, he won't go to a woman. He thinks we are going to gang up on him about the evils of porn. When I suggested he chose between porn and me I didn't mean my body. I meant my heart, my trust in him, respect for him. He's just so confident in his point of view that he's right and I am wrong. Anyway, thanks for listening. I like your advice about being force fed. Like Dr. Phil says (paraphrase), you set the standards for how people treat you. How are you?
Just following your post in order, :), I don't think he has the shakey soul. I think you do. The reason I say that is because you are allowing suffering to continue and you feel a need to hold onto it. When I was with my ex that was a porn user, more to extreme then not, there were many times I questioned my sexuality and if I was doing something wrong or if there was something wrong with me. Thats what it does. But porn does not do that to us. We do it to ourselves. Without the belief that this is true, we would not ever be able to feel like this, even if they looked at porn 24-7. Their porn use IS NOT ABOUT US....IT IS ABOUT THEM...as you mentioned (when referring to his "selfishness"). Sometimes I wondered if he was doing this to intentionally hurt me because even though I told him it was unsettling for me, he continued, therefore, continuing the hurtful but now with the knowledge it hurts, meaning it was intentional. So of course when someone does something that hurts us, and they know it and without even so much a peep about "why" there is there draw for them, they distance leaving only questions and concerns. One can't be in a relationship with someone and have it based in love if there is fear.
Distrust is fear. There is no love. It is a disguised form of love so that you can get to the real root of why you choose to spend time with people like him. Its not him. Its what he represents that you need to figure out why you are drawn to him. You can call it love, I call it "attachment".
When he said he stopped for a year, well, you just thought that was it, right? People don't just stop their addictions (not without some kind of help and guidance). If they do it on their own it will take longer but there will be a change and you would have noticed. When he said "he stopped for a year", just curious, was your relationship suddenly that much better? Was sex awsome? Did you totally trust him?
You say he lied. Of course. I am surprised you would think otherwise. You want to believe that magically people will just do what you want and when they don't, you get mad, right? You and I , need to stop wanting to be a certain way, and see them/it for they way it really is!
I offered my husband the same deal. Porn or me. He chose porn. eh. When in reality, I didn't so much want him to stop porn, just become a little piece of the man I had hoped he may be so I could be the piece of a woman that he wanted too. The problem there was the piece he wanted was only to control the situation, not be a participant in it.
I think being force fed something that we dislike is dangerous; unless it is for our own good and growth. Sometimes we don't like what is being force fed to us. I don't think porn is on the list of important things that we need to grow and support our lives. I do think understanding how so many people are hooked into the human sexuality so much that they do not see the reason they have problems in their relationships is due to the methods in which they go about handling life situations. But they won't see that until they are ready. No amount of perfume, makeup , body jobs, boob lifts, penis implants, are going to get someone to love us. We have to love ourselves and ultimately understand that is the only real love we can grow to expect. Everything after that is just a beautiful gift. Kimi |
|
|
July 29, 2009, 8:02 am PDT
Quote From: kimikomine How are you?
Just following your post in order, :), I don't think he has the shakey soul. I think you do. The reason I say that is because you are allowing suffering to continue and you feel a need to hold onto it. When I was with my ex that was a porn user, more to extreme then not, there were many times I questioned my sexuality and if I was doing something wrong or if there was something wrong with me. Thats what it does. But porn does not do that to us. We do it to ourselves. Without the belief that this is true, we would not ever be able to feel like this, even if they looked at porn 24-7. Their porn use IS NOT ABOUT US....IT IS ABOUT THEM...as you mentioned (when referring to his "selfishness"). Sometimes I wondered if he was doing this to intentionally hurt me because even though I told him it was unsettling for me, he continued, therefore, continuing the hurtful but now with the knowledge it hurts, meaning it was intentional. So of course when someone does something that hurts us, and they know it and without even so much a peep about "why" there is there draw for them, they distance leaving only questions and concerns. One can't be in a relationship with someone and have it based in love if there is fear.
Distrust is fear. There is no love. It is a disguised form of love so that you can get to the real root of why you choose to spend time with people like him. Its not him. Its what he represents that you need to figure out why you are drawn to him. You can call it love, I call it "attachment".
When he said he stopped for a year, well, you just thought that was it, right? People don't just stop their addictions (not without some kind of help and guidance). If they do it on their own it will take longer but there will be a change and you would have noticed. When he said "he stopped for a year", just curious, was your relationship suddenly that much better? Was sex awsome? Did you totally trust him?
You say he lied. Of course. I am surprised you would think otherwise. You want to believe that magically people will just do what you want and when they don't, you get mad, right? You and I , need to stop wanting to be a certain way, and see them/it for they way it really is!
I offered my husband the same deal. Porn or me. He chose porn. eh. When in reality, I didn't so much want him to stop porn, just become a little piece of the man I had hoped he may be so I could be the piece of a woman that he wanted too. The problem there was the piece he wanted was only to control the situation, not be a participant in it.
I think being force fed something that we dislike is dangerous; unless it is for our own good and growth. Sometimes we don't like what is being force fed to us. I don't think porn is on the list of important things that we need to grow and support our lives. I do think understanding how so many people are hooked into the human sexuality so much that they do not see the reason they have problems in their relationships is due to the methods in which they go about handling life situations. But they won't see that until they are ready. No amount of perfume, makeup , body jobs, boob lifts, penis implants, are going to get someone to love us. We have to love ourselves and ultimately understand that is the only real love we can grow to expect. Everything after that is just a beautiful gift. Kimi Hi! I'm okay. Not really, but whatever. I'm crying reading your reply. Do I have a shaky soul? I wouldn't say that I do, but I'm definitely insecure. My husband is ultra confident. I've always been an insecure person. I have a very strong faith in Jesus. My husband doesn't go to church w/us because he doesn't get anything out of it. I said, "what about knowing that it makes your wife and children happy? Isn't that enough?" I've never asked him to convert. I don't think you have to go to church to be a good person. He says he can be a good dad, husband, person from home. I think he uses that as an excuse to just be lazy and watch sports, or porn, who knows. I suppose on a Sunday football overrides porn. Anyway, I haven't been to church in a while. I guess I got into a slump. So after recent events I thought I should focus on who I want to be, and not who he is. The priest said in the homily that Jesus is the only true way to happiness. It really hit home. I look to others (husband, kids, friends) for happiness, but I know that I find my most peace when I am focusing on my relationship w/the Lord and who I should be. He makes me stronger.
He looks at porn knowing that it hurts me. He always says, "you shouldn't feel that way. It's your problem for feeling that way." Of course, it is never his fault. I don't trust him. The other day I was leaving the house and went back into the garage. He opened the garage door and it just seemed odd to me. I asked him why he was opening the door, and he said it was to check the weather. We have 3 other doors that he could have opened w/out opening a garage door. We also have plenty of windows. I left with such a feeling of fear and a pit in my stomach. I think he was just checking to see if I had left to see if the coast was clear.
I didn't assume he had stopped for a year. He told me he did. Yes, our relationship seemed great. We had an amazing year. I couldn't imagine what we could possibly fight over, we didn't really for a year come to think of it. He said he started looking at it when his friends told him how to get around looking on it on your laptop/work computer. Our home one wasn't working, and he's too cheap to pay for it in a hotel. This I do believe.
I do think he loves me. I don't think that is disillusioning. But is that enough? I want him to love me in a way that he doesn't. Maybe I've watched too many romantic movies where the guy loves her like a bestfriend, he has this intense love and respect for her, he does anything for her happiness. And I know that my husband doesn't put my happiness before his own. His order is sex, sleep, sports, food, and then maybe me and the kids.
I know that he more than desires me sexually. He's NEVER had a lack of interest in me that way. I think that he is a very sexual person. The bottom line is that he is into sex way more than I am. It is because my soul is secure that I realize that porn is not okay. Just because he likes it doesn't mean that I'm going to. But where does that leave us? Am I suppose to leave my husband of many years? Put my children through that? I am afraid. I'm afraid of what that means for all of us. Is it worth leaving him over? I choose to spend time with him because I'm stuck, we're married, we have kids. He's not a boyfriend I can just dump.
I understand how what you said about not really wanting him to stop porn, but become a piece of man...I'm just looking for a gesture that he needs and wants me for more than sex. When I came home there was a dozen roses on my pillow, he did the dishes, folded clothes, made me dinner. That helped to know he cares. But, we still haven't resolved anything. I'm so exhausted from it all that I don't even feel like talking to him about it without a counselor present. Of course, I haven't gotten around to that yet.
I definitely have to start loving myself, trying to be confident.
How have you been since your divorce?
Thanks for the advice.
|
|
|
July 29, 2009, 8:19 am PDT
Quote From: susanh1965 I have tried yo draw that line with big red letters . I think a lot of men don't get it . It is like they don't want a loose woman to marry but they want their wife to be a ho is the bedroom and a lady every where else . Can they really have it both ways ? This woman was a prostitute and gives advise on women and talked about spankings turning a woman on . Well when I think of spankings I think of my dad and he doesn't belong in my bed . My new father in law asked about our sex life I was so appauled I wanted to smack him to disrespect me like that . I told him off then told my husband's mother how could she sit there with that stupid smile after what he just asked infront of her . They are in their 70's I personally dont want to know about my son's sex life . I don't want to come off like a prude but for petesake does anyone have respect anymore ? Hi! That is pretty appalling that your father in law would ask you about your sex life. Why do you think he asked? Does your husband confide in him? Or, do you think that sex is a priority to him too. Either way it's not his business, and it is just weird for him to go there.
Good for you for standing up for yourself! I hear you! I'm not a prude, but come on!!!!!!!!!! Where is the respect?
I don't think that I drew the line w/my husband. I think I blurred them, and created a monster. I did things that I wasn't comfortable with because I thought it would make him happy. If he's happy, then it gave myself a false sense of security that life was happy. Maybe I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't please him. The fear of being cheated on, losing my family, have to be a single parent and support myself. Now I've changed, and he hasn't. He still enjoys those things, but I feel like I just can't do them anymore. I'm willing to do some things, but I can't respect myself when I do others. Why does it have to be with "all the bells and whistles"? Why can't he just find an inner beauty with me, and when we come together it is enough. Like I said b/4 it's not like we never have it. I know 1 or 2x a week will never be enough for him when he can just click the computer and get more.
I was watching random tv last night, and a commercial came on for bootycall.com. It was so appalling. They had this couple trying to "talk", and what a wast of time that is when you can just go to bootycall.com and get what you really want. There is WAY too much sex in television, movies, etc.
Got to go.
Hang in there! |
|
|
July 29, 2009, 4:35 pm PDT
Quote From: calligraphy Hi! I'm okay. Not really, but whatever. I'm crying reading your reply. Do I have a shaky soul? I wouldn't say that I do, but I'm definitely insecure. My husband is ultra confident. I've always been an insecure person. I have a very strong faith in Jesus. My husband doesn't go to church w/us because he doesn't get anything out of it. I said, "what about knowing that it makes your wife and children happy? Isn't that enough?" I've never asked him to convert. I don't think you have to go to church to be a good person. He says he can be a good dad, husband, person from home. I think he uses that as an excuse to just be lazy and watch sports, or porn, who knows. I suppose on a Sunday football overrides porn. Anyway, I haven't been to church in a while. I guess I got into a slump. So after recent events I thought I should focus on who I want to be, and not who he is. The priest said in the homily that Jesus is the only true way to happiness. It really hit home. I look to others (husband, kids, friends) for happiness, but I know that I find my most peace when I am focusing on my relationship w/the Lord and who I should be. He makes me stronger.
He looks at porn knowing that it hurts me. He always says, "you shouldn't feel that way. It's your problem for feeling that way." Of course, it is never his fault. I don't trust him. The other day I was leaving the house and went back into the garage. He opened the garage door and it just seemed odd to me. I asked him why he was opening the door, and he said it was to check the weather. We have 3 other doors that he could have opened w/out opening a garage door. We also have plenty of windows. I left with such a feeling of fear and a pit in my stomach. I think he was just checking to see if I had left to see if the coast was clear.
I didn't assume he had stopped for a year. He told me he did. Yes, our relationship seemed great. We had an amazing year. I couldn't imagine what we could possibly fight over, we didn't really for a year come to think of it. He said he started looking at it when his friends told him how to get around looking on it on your laptop/work computer. Our home one wasn't working, and he's too cheap to pay for it in a hotel. This I do believe.
I do think he loves me. I don't think that is disillusioning. But is that enough? I want him to love me in a way that he doesn't. Maybe I've watched too many romantic movies where the guy loves her like a bestfriend, he has this intense love and respect for her, he does anything for her happiness. And I know that my husband doesn't put my happiness before his own. His order is sex, sleep, sports, food, and then maybe me and the kids.
I know that he more than desires me sexually. He's NEVER had a lack of interest in me that way. I think that he is a very sexual person. The bottom line is that he is into sex way more than I am. It is because my soul is secure that I realize that porn is not okay. Just because he likes it doesn't mean that I'm going to. But where does that leave us? Am I suppose to leave my husband of many years? Put my children through that? I am afraid. I'm afraid of what that means for all of us. Is it worth leaving him over? I choose to spend time with him because I'm stuck, we're married, we have kids. He's not a boyfriend I can just dump.
I understand how what you said about not really wanting him to stop porn, but become a piece of man...I'm just looking for a gesture that he needs and wants me for more than sex. When I came home there was a dozen roses on my pillow, he did the dishes, folded clothes, made me dinner. That helped to know he cares. But, we still haven't resolved anything. I'm so exhausted from it all that I don't even feel like talking to him about it without a counselor present. Of course, I haven't gotten around to that yet.
I definitely have to start loving myself, trying to be confident.
How have you been since your divorce?
Thanks for the advice.
I totally understand that you do not want to just end the marriage and truthfully, I wouldn't suggest that. Only as a last, last resort. I did not have children with my husband and we were only married 7 years. And out of those 7 years it was pretty much a disaster from the start. There were other things that made me question his character and intimacy issues. I have been single (not married) all my life. I am 48 until I met my ex husband. Out of all the men I dated, 75% of them looked at some type of porn and/or found strip clubs to be a form of "male" entertainment. Although I was not happy in the least, it wasn't so prominent that it affected the relationship. Unfortunately, I do not believe any man would say otherwise. I am open to being debated on this. :)
But that is not the problem here. The problem here in your marriage seems to be an element of disregard for each other. A casual approach to heartstrings that are being pulled and twisted. I will always listen to someone if they would tell me there is something about me that upset them. I will listen without getting angry because they have every right to their feelings. When I was younger, I would let it go in one ear and out the other but as an adult I think it is very important that we are able to see that maybe something we continue to do now, is not working anymore.
Sometimes its a matter of changing our diets, addictions, ways in which we handle our daily stressors, the way in which we treat other people, or the way in which we allow other people to treat us. We have a right to take care of ourselves in all ways. Actually, it is the only thing that "God" or whoever we may believe in, it is the only thing that "IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY". I think a big part of your pain is you know you are not doing that. I know you know you are not doing that and you are afraid that it is going to affect your children, family, friends. The thing that made me the most frustrated and confused was knowing life is more then this. Something intuitively said "this is wrong" .........not the "you like porn, I don't" wrong, but as a human with a spirit soul , my soul was being dumped on, disrespected. If I continued to allow him to dump on my soul, who could I blame if I was miserable, depressed? Its not in our control what other people do, but it is in our control how we handle these types of situations.
You are in the stage of pain and hurt and this is only going to make you feel confused and frustrated. You will need focus on removing yourself from what "he" is doing, and get back to the "you". The you before this.
Reach out to people because victims usually do not do this.....therefore, they remain victims. A victim is helpless. You will need to work on how to turn this around so that you are on top of it, not it on top of you. Make it work for you somehow. This could give you an opportunity to see parts of him that are wounded and hurting. He is not a bad guy. He is a good guy caught up in a bad thing. Remove yourself from this. This is not about you, which is what makes it even more frustrating.
I said a lot here. Hope I didn't bore you. Its raining and it is a beautiful summers dusk approaching. I am very happy now that I left my husband. I am sad that he couldn't see that my love would have been enough to sustain and fulfill him. Not just sexually either as you said. Wanting to be best friends is very healthy. Don't ever think wanting your lover to be your best friend is wrong. It is absolutely and inequivocally, perfect!!
I hope I don't get barred from this board for taking up so much space. :))) |
|
|
July 30, 2009, 7:49 am PDT
Quote From: kimikomine I totally understand that you do not want to just end the marriage and truthfully, I wouldn't suggest that. Only as a last, last resort. I did not have children with my husband and we were only married 7 years. And out of those 7 years it was pretty much a disaster from the start. There were other things that made me question his character and intimacy issues. I have been single (not married) all my life. I am 48 until I met my ex husband. Out of all the men I dated, 75% of them looked at some type of porn and/or found strip clubs to be a form of "male" entertainment. Although I was not happy in the least, it wasn't so prominent that it affected the relationship. Unfortunately, I do not believe any man would say otherwise. I am open to being debated on this. :)
But that is not the problem here. The problem here in your marriage seems to be an element of disregard for each other. A casual approach to heartstrings that are being pulled and twisted. I will always listen to someone if they would tell me there is something about me that upset them. I will listen without getting angry because they have every right to their feelings. When I was younger, I would let it go in one ear and out the other but as an adult I think it is very important that we are able to see that maybe something we continue to do now, is not working anymore.
Sometimes its a matter of changing our diets, addictions, ways in which we handle our daily stressors, the way in which we treat other people, or the way in which we allow other people to treat us. We have a right to take care of ourselves in all ways. Actually, it is the only thing that "God" or whoever we may believe in, it is the only thing that "IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY". I think a big part of your pain is you know you are not doing that. I know you know you are not doing that and you are afraid that it is going to affect your children, family, friends. The thing that made me the most frustrated and confused was knowing life is more then this. Something intuitively said "this is wrong" .........not the "you like porn, I don't" wrong, but as a human with a spirit soul , my soul was being dumped on, disrespected. If I continued to allow him to dump on my soul, who could I blame if I was miserable, depressed? Its not in our control what other people do, but it is in our control how we handle these types of situations.
You are in the stage of pain and hurt and this is only going to make you feel confused and frustrated. You will need focus on removing yourself from what "he" is doing, and get back to the "you". The you before this.
Reach out to people because victims usually do not do this.....therefore, they remain victims. A victim is helpless. You will need to work on how to turn this around so that you are on top of it, not it on top of you. Make it work for you somehow. This could give you an opportunity to see parts of him that are wounded and hurting. He is not a bad guy. He is a good guy caught up in a bad thing. Remove yourself from this. This is not about you, which is what makes it even more frustrating.
I said a lot here. Hope I didn't bore you. Its raining and it is a beautiful summers dusk approaching. I am very happy now that I left my husband. I am sad that he couldn't see that my love would have been enough to sustain and fulfill him. Not just sexually either as you said. Wanting to be best friends is very healthy. Don't ever think wanting your lover to be your best friend is wrong. It is absolutely and inequivocally, perfect!!
I hope I don't get barred from this board for taking up so much space. :))) Hi!
That was really good advice! You totally hit the nail on the head. Especially with the "element of disregard for each other". It's so true. I could handle the porn to an extent, but he just doesn't seem to understand my hurt and frustration toward our marriage. We got in a fight last night. He did something he knew would upset me because I unintentionally did something the night b/4 that upset him (not relating to sex), which I had apologized for and explained the misunderstanding. Of course, the argument lead to sex. He said that I haven't given him any physical or emotional intimacy in almost a month and that is not going to make him feel good about me. He said I haven't done anything to "fix" the marriage. He just wants me to get over it, so he can have sex again. I'm sure that is his idea of fixing the marriage. I can't just jump in the sack with him without resolving our marital issues. I know if we do it will just lead back to where we are now. I'm not withholding it to hurt him. I just want to really make a healthy marriage, which means resolving issues b/4 we are together again. Of course, I understand that sex is an important part of marriage. I've always felt compelled to give him what he wants because I care about his needs. That is why he goes to his friends and brags about me, while they complain about their wives. But over the years I feel like I've become hollowed out. I feel like I'm a shell going through the motions. We will be together again, but hopefully without all the resentment. He blamed me, again, for when I walked in on him with his pants around his ankles viewing porn. How is it my fault that he did that? and now IIIIIIIIIIIIII have to fix the marriage. What has he done besides blame me for the things that pissed him off that lead to his wrongdoing (which he will never take ownership of). I told him that I said I love him, want to work on our marriage, and that I'm looking into counselors. That is a step in the right direction.
I left the fight heart broken, again, completed defeated, frustrated, confused. I feel like I'm beating my head up against the wall. He just doesn't get it. Will he ever? Can I live with that? I guess as long as I get it, and stay the course. Focus on my inner strength and being a loving mom. I can't handle the sadness anymore, it's too much. I really feel that he doesn't give a crap about my feelings. I feel like he doesn't care about getting to know me on the inside. I'm just a sexual object to him. I've always felt that if I gained weight, was in an accident (God forbid), or something that would alter my appearance he would be repulsed by me. He always says that "guys are visual creatures". Well, I'm getting older and I can't stop the aging process.
I'm going to remember the "you on top of it, and not it on top of you", and the "you before this". I don't think we bring out the best in each other. I know we don't. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am. Where is that 20 year old that was full of life? 20 years later looking in the mirror so sad. I feel bad that my kids see me like this. I told myself last night and this morning that I'm going to focus on me and them. I have one life, and they have one childhood. There aren't any do overs with their childhood. This is it, this is their childhood. I've got to snap out of it.
I'm glad that you are not dealing with this anymore, and are happy. Your experience on both sides can help others. That is part of why this board is here. If it's too long than others don't have to read it, but for those of us who need it (your advice, someone who gets it, someone as a sounding board, an opportunity to vent). It can be very lonely when there isn't someone to talk to about this. I've shared it with a couple of people in my life, and now regret airing my dirty laundry. I shouldn't say regret, I'm tired of living with regret. Upward and onward!
Have you ever heard of the country duo Sugarland? That song is funny about "poor me, why me, oh me, same old worn out blah, blah story." |
|
|
July 31, 2009, 12:57 am PDT
Hello everyone, I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 6 years. He has been addicted to porn for that entire time. He would watch it almost every day, sometimes multiple times per day. He would always deny looking at it. He stopped touching me, complimenting me, and seems to no longer like looking at me. Of course he SAYS he finds me attractive, and claims he just never thinks to tell me how he feels. And he simply never acts on his feelings. Which I think is complete rubbish. He used to do these things. He used to tell me he liked me, that I was beautiful. He used to touch me and make me feel desired. It used to be a natural reaction for him. Now there is nothing. I feel so disgusting most of the time. I'm overweight and I'm no idiot. I know what I look like in the mirror. It's just so much more painful to know that the things you hate most about yourself are the things he doesn't like either. I have talked to him so many times. Talked to him about how this makes me feel, and he is in counseling. He supposedly stopped looking at porn, but I still hurt. He just doesn't seem to care how much this has negatively affected me. He seems to only care for himself and seldom puts me at the top of his priority list. I don't understand how anyone could hurt the other person so many times and simply not care. I don't know what to do. |
|
