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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
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Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

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December 12, 2006, 3:01 pm CST

Trying...

Quote From: kimikomine

I have been married for 6 years and for 6 years my husband has looked at porn and for 6 years he tells me its nothing; all guys do it; don't worry its not about you; yet 6 years later I am on the verge of getting a divorce, we haven't had sex in 6 months and I am finding out that even though some guys look at porn, they would prefer not to have to and the reason they do is because they are not getting their visual needs met with the person they are with. They may not be physically having sex with other women, but they are visually more turned on to porn then their women and little by little, admit they are losing their interest in their wives/girlfriends.

 

Porn use is not a simple matter and it is not to be treated lightly. Your husband is justifying his behavior by saying as long as he does not buy it......if its free then its ok....but if you think about that......so is going out and meeting a stranger that is also sexually promiscious. Two wrongs do not make a right and he is trying to make "free porn" right.

 

You have a child together and that child deserves to have a mom and a dad but this child does not need to have a mom that is depressed and a dad that is a sexual addict.

I'm finding that all of this has actually made me stronger as an independent woman and it's mostly because I'm tired of trying to better myself to make a man happy that does nothing but hurts me emotionally.  I was very skinny when we got married and then after the baby the extra weight I gained stayed on and I'm still trying to lose it, I also ended up with bad stretch marks since I used to be so skinny. it's very hard to better myself when he keeps bringing down my self esteem with his porn addiction and my depression doesn't help either.  the past few days I've decided I didn't want to lose the weight to be better looking for him, i want to change to feel better about myself and stay healthy and keep up with my baby's busy world.  I've become stronger and yet a bit bitter about it all too.  I want to do things for just me and my baby now and not him. When I do get back into shape I feel like I should block him out when he realizes he wants me instead of just porn, because I want him to love me for me not my body. But I know that will only make things worse and it's not good to be bitter.  He says if i don't want him to he won't watch porn anymore, but I know that if I say that then he'll just watch it behind my back which only hurts me more.  I'd rather know whats he's doing then have him think he needs to hide things from me all the time.  he also says he'll get help for his porn when I get help for my depression when I try to bring up professional help again.
 
December 12, 2006, 3:14 pm CST

Still trying...

Quote From: allinall

 It's a long shot that I'm not sure about but may be worth checking out. Was your husband employed for long? Not a question you need answer. If he was for over 90 days you may be able to get some help or referals through the State Unemplyment office or State Workers Disability office. It's an addiction obviously and he got fired because of an addiction so help may be available through that route.

Remember when calling and asking over the phone you usually will not be asked for your name until or if they can be of assistance. I say that because you just may be reticent and feel very ashamed about this. Just in case you are, don't give anyone your name unless they say they will be able to help.

I know I've gone farther then most women have but I also know I can't just give up on him, I love him too much to not give him a real chance.  If I didn't try to help him when he needed me most what kind of wife would I be?...

When my husband started at his new job he was promoted just after a few months of being there and was about to get another promotion right before being fired. He's very good at what he does at work and it shows, but they had a policy about porn and he broke it so they had to fire him.  He's filed for unemployment and they denied him because he was fired with a cause.  He promised his company it would never happen again and he was getting help for it and I even went as far as begging then to suspend him without pay for awhile instead but because it was a complaint they got from another employee, they just fired him without warning.

 
December 12, 2006, 3:43 pm CST

I'm guessing here

Quote From: emeliz

I know I've gone farther then most women have but I also know I can't just give up on him, I love him too much to not give him a real chance.  If I didn't try to help him when he needed me most what kind of wife would I be?...

When my husband started at his new job he was promoted just after a few months of being there and was about to get another promotion right before being fired. He's very good at what he does at work and it shows, but they had a policy about porn and he broke it so they had to fire him.  He's filed for unemployment and they denied him because he was fired with a cause.  He promised his company it would never happen again and he was getting help for it and I even went as far as begging then to suspend him without pay for awhile instead but because it was a complaint they got from another employee, they just fired him without warning.

So take what I say into consideration with what  you know and I don't. If he had health insurance he may still be able to get help through that...depending on how long it's been since his termination. As far as him being denied unemplyment, that is appealable. In this State there are lawyers who one can contact for an appeal through a administrative law judge. If there is a case such as his, a medical condition, there my be an opportunity for appeal and success. Ask the unemloyment office for information on making an appeal and any lawyers. The lawyers used in this State for appleals are paid for by the State for appeals. Don't give up hope here. There are avenues available that you have to know about to take advantage of them. It may take some digging. I think that is something he should have to do...with you looking over his shoulder. He deserves to be supervised. I don't say this as him being a bad person. He has a serious problem that he has to bone up to and step up with everythin he has to rectify it. I would be glad to talk with him here if he, and you, wish without being judgemental toward him. There are ways to correct this. Leave no possible stone unturned. You deserve it.
 
December 12, 2006, 3:58 pm CST

I know how you feel....

Quote From: emeliz

I'm finding that all of this has actually made me stronger as an independent woman and it's mostly because I'm tired of trying to better myself to make a man happy that does nothing but hurts me emotionally.  I was very skinny when we got married and then after the baby the extra weight I gained stayed on and I'm still trying to lose it, I also ended up with bad stretch marks since I used to be so skinny. it's very hard to better myself when he keeps bringing down my self esteem with his porn addiction and my depression doesn't help either.  the past few days I've decided I didn't want to lose the weight to be better looking for him, i want to change to feel better about myself and stay healthy and keep up with my baby's busy world.  I've become stronger and yet a bit bitter about it all too.  I want to do things for just me and my baby now and not him. When I do get back into shape I feel like I should block him out when he realizes he wants me instead of just porn, because I want him to love me for me not my body. But I know that will only make things worse and it's not good to be bitter.  He says if i don't want him to he won't watch porn anymore, but I know that if I say that then he'll just watch it behind my back which only hurts me more.  I'd rather know whats he's doing then have him think he needs to hide things from me all the time.  he also says he'll get help for his porn when I get help for my depression when I try to bring up professional help again.

 I know how you feel..aim battling with my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) it another form of depression. It hard for me because i  obsesses over everything. It very hard dealing with your depression and dealing with your other half addiction. I been on meds  for a couple of years know so iam doing much better. Its still hard for me but iam trying everyday.  I also know about  weight gain. I was not really skin and not fat. i guess you can i was right size for my height. But after have all my children i put on alot weight. And know that iam losing some of it iam feeling much better about my self. At first i was doing it for him but now iam doing it for me. aim starting to get back some of my self esteem that i lose due to his addictions. You see my husband had other addictions. He was an alcoholic. but he stop now for over two years. So i though wow ok he stop drinking why can't he stop porn?  but i guess its not that easy to stop porn.iam just glad that he stop paying for them. But i know how it feels when they hide it from you. it hurts alot worse.  Its funny i know alot about depression than i know about porn.lol.. when it comes to porn i have no clue what to do about it.lol..made i should go on a site to see whats so great about it..but i dont think i would do that i just cant see my self looking at other people in the act..

 

Since i have been on this site i feel so much better about my self and i look at thing very differently. stop blamming myself . This site has help me alot. Thank you

 

Aloha from Hawaii

hawaiiangirl

 
December 12, 2006, 4:01 pm CST

One more thing Emilez

 Cooodos (spelling?) to you. You are a rare wonder to stick by him in this. Sex and sexual attraction is so much different for men than it is for women...in general. That you love him enough to recognize this is a problem that you are willing to do everything you can to help him out with is, well, wow. You are a very strong woman. He needs to know that and do his utmost because of that if nothing else.

Like I said, I am willing to help you both out in any way I can (possibly) point you both in a direction to seek help you may not be aware of. Also as I said I will do so, you you desire, without being judgemntal toward him. Some of what I say may sound harsh in that process but it will not be judgemental harshness.

I kind of come and go on the boards, mostly the other porn board, so if you don't hear from me right away, I will respond. Again, if you wish.
 
December 12, 2006, 4:09 pm CST

Emeliz...

I read your story and the responses you received.  Don't worry about writing a long post - feel free to use just as many words as you want just as often as you want. 

 

I'm concerned like everyone else that your husband either hasn't or hasn't been able to receive some professional help for this addiction.  You have received some great info and ideas of some resources you can research and see if someone can help y'all.  I hope some of that works out for you.  At the very least you should be able to receive some help/counseling from church and also some support at the sites Darcy mentioned, SAA and COSA.  My husband hurt me about a year ago by looking at porn behind my back (I won't give my whole story, that would take way too long lol) and he went to a doctor and discussed his usage and his history and all that and was told he wasn't an addict.  So I don't have experience with a man who is.  I just know that I have read here over and over that men who are addicted to sex/porn are almost unable to recover and lead a healthy life without professional help.  Your love and support are wonderful for him to have, but they aren't going to be enough most likely. 

 

I'd like to add, someone else may have, and if so, sorry for the repeat - but you also should be under a doctor's care for your depression.  It sounds like it has sometimes been bad enough that it has prevented you from leading a 'normal' life.  I am sure there will be county programs to help people who have financial difficulties to receive help for depression, especially since that is absolutely a medical problem and not something which is can be more difficult to diagnose, like a sex addiction. 

 

Congrats on having a beautiful little girl.  I hope your husband can receive help and learn to manage his urges as far as porn so he can become the man, husband and father I am sure he wishes to be.  Again, I don't know alot about addiction, but from all you have said, it really sounds like he needs to abstain totally.  Otherwise he will be like the alcoholic who thinks they are okay as long as they only have one beer and stay off the hard alcohol.  It just doesn't work.  One thing you can talk about with him is that.  He needs to be an open book also.  When my husband was rebuilding trust with me - he did not ever get online unless I was in the room.  My need to have that reassurance slowly decreased until I only rarely feel like I should check up on him now.  Now when I have those feelings, it is never about anything he has done to make me question him, but rather I am stressed and resort to that 'bad place' where I doubted him all the time.  I make myself realize it and then I don't go on to check up on him.  It feels good to have trust in him again and I know he appreciates that I do.  I doubt it will ever be 100% again - I had that before I found out he had deceived me and how much he lied and how often and for how long - but it is close enough that both of us are okay with it now. 

 

Good luck at finding a job - to both of you.  Happy Bday to your little girl!!  The first one is really special and fun.  If you have to put it off for a little while, then don't even feel bad about it - she is certainly not going to know the difference.  In fact, she may even understand a little better what is going on if you wait a month or so. 

 

Sorry Emeliz, my thoughts are kind of disjointed and I don't think I have given you very cohesive advice here.  I'm in the middle of making dinner, getting kids on homework etc etc.  Just wanted to give you a few thoughts.  Also want to add my empathy to that which you have already received.  You are NOT alone - many of us have felt the pain you are in and we'll be here for you and do our utmost to help you cope.  Take care, Roxy

 
December 12, 2006, 4:47 pm CST

I thought that way at first too.

Quote From: emeliz

I'm finding that all of this has actually made me stronger as an independent woman and it's mostly because I'm tired of trying to better myself to make a man happy that does nothing but hurts me emotionally.  I was very skinny when we got married and then after the baby the extra weight I gained stayed on and I'm still trying to lose it, I also ended up with bad stretch marks since I used to be so skinny. it's very hard to better myself when he keeps bringing down my self esteem with his porn addiction and my depression doesn't help either.  the past few days I've decided I didn't want to lose the weight to be better looking for him, i want to change to feel better about myself and stay healthy and keep up with my baby's busy world.  I've become stronger and yet a bit bitter about it all too.  I want to do things for just me and my baby now and not him. When I do get back into shape I feel like I should block him out when he realizes he wants me instead of just porn, because I want him to love me for me not my body. But I know that will only make things worse and it's not good to be bitter.  He says if i don't want him to he won't watch porn anymore, but I know that if I say that then he'll just watch it behind my back which only hurts me more.  I'd rather know whats he's doing then have him think he needs to hide things from me all the time.  he also says he'll get help for his porn when I get help for my depression when I try to bring up professional help again.

I didn't want him to stop for me. I wanted him to stop because he wanted to. How many of us have said those words???????

 

But maybe it would be a place to start for him, if he stopped for you. He may come to realize that his porn use was out of habit that may have become an addiction. So if you eliminate to substance, porn, the habit is actually going to fade away too. If he started the habit of looking at porn when he was young, as most children do, and he never really stopped because it brought him some level of satisfaction, then he needs to find a healthy alternative. And there are many many healthy alternatives, especially now that he has a family that loves him and cares about a future together.

 

He should be able to make you and the child his new healthy alternative and if he doesn't then I am sorry, but you might be stuck with a guy that can only give so much and then, thats it. A lot of people have children and they really shouldn't because they are too selfish to really give what it takes to make the family unit work. I hope in your case that is not the case but I think you need to find out as soon as you can what you have to work with this way you can make better choices for you and the future of your family, whether it be mom, dad and child or mom and child. A family is where you feel loved and safe, it could be a hundred or two.

 

If his lying is what bothers you more then his porn use, and I tend to doubt this, I just think you are doing heavy compromising here, but if you think he told you he looks at it, would it make you feel better? I don't think so. My husband does not hide it, meaning, I know when he looks because I have access to the on line bill, he does not know I know this, but since he looks at it while I am home, I tend to think he does not really care if I know or not. So, knowing does not make it right, I believe it is called "enabling?".

 

Please be a little patient with your body. I can imagine how devasting it must be to be scarred and not have the same body image you once did, but it is really who you are in your heart, soul and your mind that makes you who you are, and if anyone judges you on your scars from giving life, then who has the problem? I know it is easy for me to say, I hope you find the strenght to one day believe that its the outer shell that matters to those that need to judge, not for the compassionate and loving spiritual beings that we are.

 

If he is suggesting you get help for your depression and he will get help for his porn use, why not give it a go? If you don't and you continue this path, your depression will not ease up and neither will his porn use. Everyone needs professional help once in a while, it does not make you weak because you need it, but strong because you know when to ask for it. Kimi

 
December 12, 2006, 5:22 pm CST

Emeliz

 This is what I would say to your husband. If you wish print it and give it to him. However you wish to handle it.

First off you need to know that I'm a man so I understand your attraction to porn more than most, if any, woman ever could. Also I am not what is called an anti-porner on these boards. I'm not a pro-porner either. I recognize that pporn is something that will likely never go away. At the same time it's something that some can deal with and some can not. You are one that can not. I don't mean this with any judgement toward you. Just stating facts.

 That being said, you have to recogize and accept that porn to you is like alcohol is to an alcoholic. One look is one look too many. Also your need for porn is causing serious emotional and material problems for your wife and baby. I'm assuming you being here is your recognition of that so let's begin. All the things I am going to point you toward you need to be willing to account for to your wife.

First go down to the unemployment office and speak with a councelor. Get information on how to file an appeal and if there is a State supplied advocate for you to appeal through. Follow through with what and how you are instructed to for this process. An appeal will likely take months to conclude. If you win your appeal you should get all the back unemployment.

Next, if you were employed long enough and had health insurance through your employer you should be recieving a notification that COBRA is available to you. COBRA allows you to continue your health insurance at the same cost your employer had to pay (for your policy) for a period of months. Leave no stone unturned to figure out how to pay for that so you can get treatment for your problem. Even if you have to work at a McDonalds, even if that is a second job, to pay for it

If that is not available contact any and/or all the other agencies I posted to your wife previously.

If you are unemployed make this your employment along with looking for another job. Though know you will likely be asked why you left your previous job and you bieng fired for viewing porn on the job is going to be a real drawback.

Follow these steps in rapid succession. Keep the ball in perpetual motion until you have succeeded at this. Even while you have one thing in process move on to completing the next.

Good luck my man. You have a tough road ahead of you. Just remember that your wife is proving her love for you is worth it. Especially your baby daughter.

I will be here to help you out in any way I can. Don't be affraid to ask or just talk.
 
December 12, 2006, 6:10 pm CST

if we can remember

that this board NEEDS to stay from debate and be solely for support. Debating can remain the focus of the other board.

 

Now...to other things. Jeff......I hope you found us here.

 

My dear friend....please do not let porn win by hurting yourself. POrn has claimed so many and now it will win by you allowing it to destroy you. I suppose to you life looks pretty bleak. But you know.....everything happens for a reason and maybe this was the wake up call you needed. Set Jen free and allow yourself some time to find what is right for you and allow her to find what is right for her. And maybe in time she will find her way back to you. Use this time to gain strength so that porn never again takes you down those paths. Let her see you as the man you can be. Be a good father to those boys and I am sure she will see this. Own your downfalls and never blame her for things you are responsible for.

 

BUt most of all....keep living. Believe me....you have made a significant impact in many many lives....including mine. You have shown me and others that people can make changes in their lives for the better. I am a better person for having known you here.

 
December 12, 2006, 7:14 pm CST

how are all of ya'll today

today has been a good day. it was peaceful around here. on another note. I know the impact of porn addiction my fiance` has finally admitted to me that he is addicted to it. I have gone through and thrown away all the porn( at least i thought i did). The other day while i was giving our daughter a bath i looked in the bottom cabinet and i found a porn dvd cover in there, and when i ask him what it was doing in there he said "Use your imagination". I can understand that a woman with low selfesteem already well that makes it plumit down the drain, i know because i am one of those women.I love him more than anything in the world but i don't know how much more of this i can take. I try to talk to him about this but he just sits and watches tv and what i am pouring my heart out about goes in one ear and comes out the other it is like talking to my 17 month old daughter. I have thrown all of the dvds out and i have taken his name and account off of my computer. I guess i have one thing going for me, He doesn't have a bank account or credit cards so he can't buy online. and right now he has no job so we are both looking. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that all of my family is over 400 miles away. I can't just pick up and leave anymore because i have to think about my baby and everything she needs.I don't want to leave him but i just feel like i am at my wits end. what else can i do????
 
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