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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
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Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

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December 12, 2006, 9:45 pm CST

Sonia...

Quote From: lilliesmommie

today has been a good day. it was peaceful around here. on another note. I know the impact of porn addiction my fiance has finally admitted to me that he is addicted to it. I have gone through and thrown away all the porn( at least i thought i did). The other day while i was giving our daughter a bath i looked in the bottom cabinet and i found a porn dvd cover in there, and when i ask him what it was doing in there he said "Use your imagination". I can understand that a woman with low selfesteem already well that makes it plumit down the drain, i know because i am one of those women.I love him more than anything in the world but i don't know how much more of this i can take. I try to talk to him about this but he just sits and watches tv and what i am pouring my heart out about goes in one ear and comes out the other it is like talking to my 17 month old daughter. I have thrown all of the dvds out and i have taken his name and account off of my computer. I guess i have one thing going for me, He doesn't have a bank account or credit cards so he can't buy online. and right now he has no job so we are both looking. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that all of my family is over 400 miles away. I can't just pick up and leave anymore because i have to think about my baby and everything she needs.I don't want to leave him but i just feel like i am at my wits end. what else can i do????

Glad to hear you had a good, peaceful day today.  It is also positive that your fiance has admitted porn has become an addiction for him.  Less positive is he doesn't seem (from what you have written here) to have a willing spirit to address his problem.  I'm not sure there is anything you can do to create that spirit within him.  I can tell you that as soon as I found out my husband had betrayed my trust he felt horrible and showed an absolute willingness to give it up and prove to me in every way that he had.  We weren't dealing with addiction though, so I am not quite sure what advice to offer you here.  You can throw out all the porn you find and password protect the computer, but if he doesn't really want to get real and address his addiction then he will feed it and there is nothing you can do about it - you cannot watch over him 24/7.  If he doesn't really want to get healthy Sonia, he isn't going to.  All the love and support you can offer won't change that.  I wish it could.  I hate even saying that to you, because I don't wish to make you even sadder or more upset than you are.  My take though, from what you have written, is that he is so caught up in his fantasy world that he has become numb to you and the pain he is causing you, and by extension, your daughter.  I believe he tunes you out when you try to speak of your anguish because if he truly listened and took it in, he would be overwhelmed at how much damage he is doing to the 2 people he loves most.  Part of him must know this.

 

What else can you do?  Just as the other young lady with a daughter was advised today - your fiance needs to get professional help, as he admits he feels he has an addiction.  He may or may not, that needs to be assessed.  Probably finances are a problem right now, as you state both of you are out of work.  Read over the posts today - there were several resources mentioned for getting some free counseling - look into them.  Ask him if he is willing to avail himself of help, if you find some.  Definitely look into SAA and COSA (as Darcy mentioned to someone else) for both of you.  That is free online advice and support for what y'all are dealing with.  If he is averse to getting help then you will have a very important decision to make Sonia.  Either you are going to be accepting that porn will always be part of your relationship or you will tell him you are setting a boundary of NO porn (if that is even your choice - if there is a small level of porn you are okay with, then tell him that, but be careful with that - if he is indeed an addict, my understanding is that it will eventually escalate back up to the current level, no matter what he promises).  Anyway, this isn't about an ultimatum.  This is letting someone know what you finally will and will not accept as part of your relationship.  If he chooses not to honor that boundary, then you will have to decide what the consequence will be.  That may or may not mean leaving him.  That would be a huge change to make, and I hope it never comes to that. 

 

So again, do all you can to get him to accept some professional help.  Keep posting here and also check into COSA for some specific support for co-dependency.  If you have family/friends you can lean on, do so.  In any case, if it comes to the worst case scenario and you decide you have to leave him unless and until he gets help, I hope you will make sure to let him know your leaving isn't out of anger or bitterness, but rather a choice you are making for yourself and your daughter. 

 

I really feel for you Sonia.  Post here as often as you feel the need, whether it is to vent or ask questions or share good news (hope that will happen).  I haven't gone through exactly what you are, but I know what it is to be hurt by your SO sneaking around to look at porn.  I do want to give you some hope - when I initially found out my husband had betrayed a promise he made before we married, I was ready to leave and take the kids.  I hate that I made that threat, but am so glad I never followed through.  With alot of work by BOTH of us, we have an even stronger and closer marriage now than we did before.  It is possible.  Take care and hope to hear from you more, Roxy

 
December 12, 2006, 11:40 pm CST

oooh Kimi,

Quote From: kimikomine

You know, when I wrote that last post, I was really at a crucial turning point in my life I think. I am really feeling quite fed up with the lack of willingness of my husbands ability to be mature enough to discuss his needs to me, other then knowing he likes his porn. So I am throwing in the towel at trying to figure out why he needs it, why he always needed it, and why he probably will always need it. It is not my job in this life to sort out someone else's problems (if he even sees as such) and I think that has been the biggest downfall all along. I have been trying to help our sex life by asking him to stop looking at porn thinking he might make an effort to have an intimate relationship with me and see where it goes but to him, porn use in his life is like day and nite, a part of life.

 

So, after 6 years, I have hit my  bottom with it all and that is why I figured I wouldn't need the board anymore. I am done trying to understand porn use.

 

Now, my goal is to pick myself up and find the woman that was before all of this. Happy. Content. Confident. Energetic. Fun to be around. My goal and hopefully it won't take 12 years to undo the damage that I endured emotinally from this, reclaim my sexuality. I thought I could go on without intimacy in my life when really what I need to do is accept that intimacy is not going to be a part of my marriage with my husband because he already has a lover....porn.........and accept that I do need intimacy in my life and when I am healthy emotionally again, I hope to find someone that I can share this with.

 

I am glad you found this board and I intend to offer my experiences as much as possible. Hopefully my words will encourage other women to reclaim thier needs to have love and respect and real intimacy in thier lives.....not sloppy seconds. Kimi

its so sad, but at the same time I'm glad that your moving on! just remember your never alone you have us!

love you Kim

Joline

 
December 13, 2006, 6:12 am CST

Emeliz

Quote From: emeliz

I'm finding that all of this has actually made me stronger as an independent woman and it's mostly because I'm tired of trying to better myself to make a man happy that does nothing but hurts me emotionally.  I was very skinny when we got married and then after the baby the extra weight I gained stayed on and I'm still trying to lose it, I also ended up with bad stretch marks since I used to be so skinny. it's very hard to better myself when he keeps bringing down my self esteem with his porn addiction and my depression doesn't help either.  the past few days I've decided I didn't want to lose the weight to be better looking for him, i want to change to feel better about myself and stay healthy and keep up with my baby's busy world.  I've become stronger and yet a bit bitter about it all too.  I want to do things for just me and my baby now and not him. When I do get back into shape I feel like I should block him out when he realizes he wants me instead of just porn, because I want him to love me for me not my body. But I know that will only make things worse and it's not good to be bitter.  He says if i don't want him to he won't watch porn anymore, but I know that if I say that then he'll just watch it behind my back which only hurts me more.  I'd rather know whats he's doing then have him think he needs to hide things from me all the time.  he also says he'll get help for his porn when I get help for my depression when I try to bring up professional help again.
 "He says if i don't want him to he won't watch porn anymore, but I know that if I say that then he'll just watch it behind my back which only hurts me more." Your responce to him saying he won't watch porn if you don't want him to should be, he needs to understand it's not only about you not wanting him to watch porn, it's about him losing a good job because of porn. Porn is not healthy for him. It (porn) intrudes in every aspect of his life and your's and your baby's.

He needs to realize it's not about him being a bad or weak man. Everyone has their weakness' and porn is a major one for him. One that obviously needs to be eliminated for his sake and everyone elses around him. One that can be eliminated without taking away from who he authentically is.
 
December 13, 2006, 6:38 am CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Quote From: darcylove

sometimes we must learn what we are doing to attack these guys who are addicted to this. Sometimes our "co-dependent' style are what leads us to them.

 

I promise not all men are going to bring porn into a marriage. For now.....get yourself some counseling and work on learning how to trust again. Don't let porn ruin your life. It wins when you do!

 

Welcome here and I hope you post again!

You hit the nail on the head with the "co-dependent" comment. That had been a pattern most of my life. I'm not altogether sure that it isn't now. It's just better. MUCH better. I don't excuse what I consider bad behavior anymore, and I can't "settle". I started referring to myself as having gotten somewhat "selfish" in my old age. It finally became about ME, and not someone else. What someone else does...they do. I just don't have to be part and parcel with it. I know my reasons for "attacking" my husband...it was b/c he lied to me yet again, and he was engaging in behaviors that were harmful to our marriage. He *hurt* me, and that was what caused me to lash out. We also went 6 mos. without sex once. I never felt more dejected..more unwanted in my entire life.

I *finally* learned that not all men engage in behaviors that *I* consider harmful. I slowly learned to trust...and my "radar" got better about detecting those that were less than truthful with me. I learned a lot in that 20+years I spent with my kids dad. Really though..the turning point for me was when I couldn't stand ONE MORE MINUTE of being mistreated. Not one more second. I finally had had enough. I guess I'm really stubborn though, b/c it took me a long time to get there. You don't want to give up, kwim? You don't want to admit failure, b/c the reality is that it takes TWO people to either make or break a relationship. Irregardless of what each one is doing individually. I *could* have gotten help for myself. It honestly never occurred for me to. I so wish I had've though..I might have reached my conclusions much earlier than I did. I would advise *anyone* dealing with this situation to seek individual counseling. I'm not saying to not seek marital counseling as well..I just think that change starts with yourself.

I wish for each and every one of you peace and happiness above all else...*hugs*

 
December 13, 2006, 8:58 am CST

New here, my story

I have been married for 3 1/2 years and my husband has looked at porn since before we got married, I knew that he did it occassionally and I didn't really mind.  I mind now and have told him over and over how bad it makes me feel and how hurt I am by it, he never apologizes for it and doesn't seem to care how it makes me feel.  I recently found a site that he looks at and found that he even posts messages and pictures for other guys to look at, when I brought it up to him he just played it off and I gave up and dropped it.  He won't talk to me about it and shuts me out of everything, we have a young daughter and I love my husband very much, I just don't know how much longer I can take this.
 
December 13, 2006, 9:40 am CST

I am at the end of my ropes

I have been married for over four years. Before my husband and I got married it was a turn on to occasionaly look at porn. However since my daughter was born 2 and a 1/2 yares ago I am no longer interested in porn. But my husband has become addicted to it. He spends countless hours on the computer looking at porn or using yahoo chat to look at naked pictures. I am talking about 3 or 4 am before he goes to bed. And yes he has to work the next day. The worst part is he will even look at porn when my daughter is in the living room. Whenever I confront him about it he slacks off for a few days, but always returns to his habits. I can not get rid of the computer because I use it for online college courses. I just dont know what to do. I really dont want to leave him and have to share custody of our daughter. I want us to remain a family but I just cant deal with it anymore. Last night he told me he was going to do some Christmas shopping. He had only 40 dollars to spend and after purchasing gas & food he only had 13 dollars left and instead of saving it or using it for something for our daughter he bought a prono movie. Can someone please give me some advice.
 
December 13, 2006, 10:06 am CST

to short and pumpkin

both of you sound like you are at the end of your rope. I have been where you have been and honestly it has not been easy. However...I have found that with help.....couples can move past this. Pornography addiction is the fastest growing addiction these days. And more and more marriages are being destroyed by it. What has helped my hsuband and I (he became addicted as a teen...long before the internet) was counseling and therapy dealing with porn (sexual) addiction. There are some very good sources out there that you can look into immediately. One being SAA (sexual addicts annymous) and COSA (codependents of sexual addicts). Both of these have web sites you can find easily. Also a great deal has been written on sexual addictions by Dr Patrick Carnes. You can find most of his books in larger book stores.

 

The thing you must remember that until an addict wants to get better......he will remain an addict. Sometimes addicts need to loose all they have before they see the light. Your biggest challenge will be not to enable the addict. COSA can teach you how to do this.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck and visit often.

 
December 13, 2006, 11:15 am CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Well, I was directed here in CAPS so I really must have messed up, lol. Though all of these threads go extremely off topic. o.o Anyway, copyandpaste.
____
What a controversial topic, heh. I'll try to make this as short as possible...

I married pretty young to a wonderfully sweet guy who treats me like a princess in most ways. When we first got to together we immediatly started living with each other. I had pretty much accepted the fact that men have porn and he was really embaressed about it. A few nights in a row though, he had turned down sex from me when I actively approached him. This wasn't TOO abnormal because he had work the next morning and it was pretty late at night. When i'd wake up a few hours later, he'd be at the computer looking at porn. It was jaw-dropping. He turned me down yet here he was... I didn't have much of a problem with porn up until that point. I wasn't in love with the fact, but I was a bit more understanding. He had been using it from the age of like 15 or something. After talking to him about it he said that he woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. He didn't want to have sex because it would have made him tired the next day, but whenever he has trouble sleeping he just gets off and passes out. After I made it known that this was completely and utterly upsetting he finally seemed to 'get it'. He realized that it made me feel insecure and just terrible. He kept trying to explain that it wasn't me and that I had turned him on before he went to sleep, but he just knew it would mess up his day the next day. (If he gets too much sex he starts getting cranky and tired, i've seen it happen, lol)  It's been at least a year since he's watched any porn and I believe him when he says he doesn't. He does nothing but work and spend time with me.

I guess my problem at this point is that I just don't feel very 'sexual'. I feel completely inadiquate and hate the way I look. When he touches me in a sexual way, I almost cringe because I feel so disgusting, like I don't deserve to be touched by him and the whole time he's touching me he's just thinking of someone else. He's done everything he can to try and help me since and he feels terrible about the way he made me feel. I've since forgiven him but I can't forget. As soon as something sexual happens it just goes back to that. "I wasn't pretty/good enough for him..." However I do believe sex is a big part of a successful marriage and as of lately he's been pretty frustrated(sexually) with me and even made a little rant about how he's young and has sexual needs but doesn't want to bother me. I WANT to want it. We had a lot of problems in the beginning but now we barely argue and we have SO much fun together. We really are best friends and I can't imagine being with anyone else. Just the sexual part...

Sorry for the longness
 
December 13, 2006, 11:22 am CST

oooh I wish i could take this burden off your shoulders!

Quote From: shortgyrl99

I have been married for 3 1/2 years and my husband has looked at porn since before we got married, I knew that he did it occassionally and I didn't really mind.  I mind now and have told him over and over how bad it makes me feel and how hurt I am by it, he never apologizes for it and doesn't seem to care how it makes me feel.  I recently found a site that he looks at and found that he even posts messages and pictures for other guys to look at, when I brought it up to him he just played it off and I gave up and dropped it.  He won't talk to me about it and shuts me out of everything, we have a young daughter and I love my husband very much, I just don't know how much longer I can take this.

your story sounds so fimiliar! I have been in your shoes for 8 years and know your pain all too well! but there is hope, I promise you! I know its hard ! but there ia a light at the end of the tunnel! we have been married for 7 1/2 years its been a sruggle for as long as i can remember, it felt like being stuck in a yo-yo! he would leave it , only to view it behind my back! this year has been hel for both of us- some said its the 7 year itch! but non the less I never thought we'd make it. the last few months I lots my self, my whole reason for existing , witch resulted in me having an emotional affair with another man, getting the divorce papers ready ect, but then he quit totally ! i think it woke him up

your hubby might not be like mine and what worked in my case might not in yours! but there is hope, there is a way!

don't loose hope yet, and don't let him distroy who you are! I know it is demening and hurtful but there is more to life! good luck and I hope i can help you in some way!

God Bless

Joline

 

 

 
December 13, 2006, 11:50 am CST

sorry for the caps

Quote From: rafoston

Well, I was directed here in CAPS so I really must have messed up, lol. Though all of these threads go extremely off topic. o.o Anyway, copyandpaste.
____
What a controversial topic, heh. I'll try to make this as short as possible...

I married pretty young to a wonderfully sweet guy who treats me like a princess in most ways. When we first got to together we immediatly started living with each other. I had pretty much accepted the fact that men have porn and he was really embaressed about it. A few nights in a row though, he had turned down sex from me when I actively approached him. This wasn't TOO abnormal because he had work the next morning and it was pretty late at night. When i'd wake up a few hours later, he'd be at the computer looking at porn. It was jaw-dropping. He turned me down yet here he was... I didn't have much of a problem with porn up until that point. I wasn't in love with the fact, but I was a bit more understanding. He had been using it from the age of like 15 or something. After talking to him about it he said that he woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. He didn't want to have sex because it would have made him tired the next day, but whenever he has trouble sleeping he just gets off and passes out. After I made it known that this was completely and utterly upsetting he finally seemed to 'get it'. He realized that it made me feel insecure and just terrible. He kept trying to explain that it wasn't me and that I had turned him on before he went to sleep, but he just knew it would mess up his day the next day. (If he gets too much sex he starts getting cranky and tired, i've seen it happen, lol)  It's been at least a year since he's watched any porn and I believe him when he says he doesn't. He does nothing but work and spend time with me.

I guess my problem at this point is that I just don't feel very 'sexual'. I feel completely inadiquate and hate the way I look. When he touches me in a sexual way, I almost cringe because I feel so disgusting, like I don't deserve to be touched by him and the whole time he's touching me he's just thinking of someone else. He's done everything he can to try and help me since and he feels terrible about the way he made me feel. I've since forgiven him but I can't forget. As soon as something sexual happens it just goes back to that. "I wasn't pretty/good enough for him..." However I do believe sex is a big part of a successful marriage and as of lately he's been pretty frustrated(sexually) with me and even made a little rant about how he's young and has sexual needs but doesn't want to bother me. I WANT to want it. We had a lot of problems in the beginning but now we barely argue and we have SO much fun together. We really are best friends and I can't imagine being with anyone else. Just the sexual part...

Sorry for the longness
sometimes i have caps lock on and don't realize it till later.....my bad!
 
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