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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
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Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

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December 13, 2006, 12:44 pm CST

Hello. If you want advice, here is my opinion

Quote From: pumkinmel22

I have been married for over four years. Before my husband and I got married it was a turn on to occasionaly look at porn. However since my daughter was born 2 and a 1/2 yares ago I am no longer interested in porn. But my husband has become addicted to it. He spends countless hours on the computer looking at porn or using yahoo chat to look at naked pictures. I am talking about 3 or 4 am before he goes to bed. And yes he has to work the next day. The worst part is he will even look at porn when my daughter is in the living room. Whenever I confront him about it he slacks off for a few days, but always returns to his habits. I can not get rid of the computer because I use it for online college courses. I just dont know what to do. I really dont want to leave him and have to share custody of our daughter. I want us to remain a family but I just cant deal with it anymore. Last night he told me he was going to do some Christmas shopping. He had only 40 dollars to spend and after purchasing gas & food he only had 13 dollars left and instead of saving it or using it for something for our daughter he bought a prono movie. Can someone please give me some advice.

I hope you are doing ok today. It sure does seem that once a woman looks at porn with a guy, it immediately implies she is going to want to look at it all the time....but that is not the case is it? I think a lot of women look at it not because they really need to but they don't want to look prudish and insecure, at least that was my experience with my husband. But something changes within that relationship when porn is incorporated, especially if the loving isn't satisfying. I think porn has a strong hold on some guys in particular and over the years it has become more of a way of life for them then a once in a while cheap thrill.

 

I think a lot of women understand that porns draw is something that a lot of men fall into but the problems start arising when these same men want sexual intimacy with a woman and also want to look at porn and lust over strangers too. Most men will hide it because they know it offends the women but they keep doing it because they are obviously hooked on it. Anytime someone says "they can give it up but don't want to" you need to know, as the women, why is it that they don't want to give it up and then make the best decision as to whether that reason is acceptable. Guys enter relationships and sex much more casually and it doesn't have the same meaning for some of them. To some men, and especially those that look at porn a lot, are much more promiscious and careless sexually. Porn gives them ideas and even if they don't act them out, they are thinking about acting them out, which in turn makes them less available to their women emotionally and sexually. It is a vicious cycle and the only one that can break it is the guy looking at the porn.

 

If he does not see his actions are causing problems within his life and marriage, then nothing the woman can do, short of buying a few books, setting up an appointment to get counselling, to telling him how it makes her feel, outside of that, the ball is his court. And the ball usually stays in the court until he loses his wife, family and respect of many people.

 

I am married to a man that has used porn for the whole duration of my marriage despite my discussions of leaving him, feeling like a failure as a sexual being in his eyes, to thinking he has some sexual perversions. If they don't tell us why they need porn, we have only one choice, make up a reason ourselves.!!! Not good because we are usually never right.

 

I think it really stinks that men are so shallow and inconsiderate when it comes to this and if they want to be sexual fools all their lives, then it would just be so much better if they remained single or went with women that were also sexually promiscious and insatible. I don't know what else to say but it is really disconcerting when a man has a wife and a family that love him and need him and he is jacking off in some room to porn. Pathetic. don't you think?

 
December 13, 2006, 12:54 pm CST

computers only ?

i was sitting here a few minutes ago and just realized something.......for guys who have a real addiction to porn how are they suppose to quit doing it when its EVERYWHERE ??  even if theyre locked out of their computer or their internet account is cancelled, they can still look at porn on there ipods or cell phones ! i know that monitoring software can be put on home computers but how will that stop them from looking at it on their cells or ipods? 

 

 

 

maybe instead of the government regulating the internet which i think will be umm, just about impossible, i think our goverment should regulate what content cells and ipods can download! without porn floating around on mobile devices, doesnt anybody here think that will help at least a lil ? at least with computers, they can be monitored or the internet cancelled but cells and ipods cant be ! i was jus wondering what anybody in here thought about that .

 
December 13, 2006, 12:58 pm CST

I was talking about things

Like this with my S/O last night. 

 

In one of my magazines they interviewed 12,000 women and 75% of those women stated that they use some kind of sexual device to get turned on.  Almost all stated that they have used vibators, 50% said that they have used porn and like 20% said role-playing.

 

I see nothing wrong with bringing toys, role-playing etc into the bedroom, but what I did have a problem with is that they needed this to get turned on.  Granted it could have been poorly worded but I took it how it was actually written.  I told my S/O that I dont need anything to get turned on, I just am.  The way I see porn, it's sole purpose is to get turned on, that is it.  I totally think it is BS when people state it is used to get positions, please.  I guess that is why I see porn as a problem when it is in a relationship.  If you need/want porn in it, doesnt that kind fo say something about your relationship.  That maybe you need to see what is missing or why you need something like that to get turned on.  My two cents on it.

 
December 13, 2006, 2:02 pm CST

Thank you

Quote From: joline

your story sounds so fimiliar! I have been in your shoes for 8 years and know your pain all too well! but there is hope, I promise you! I know its hard ! but there ia a light at the end of the tunnel! we have been married for 7 1/2 years its been a sruggle for as long as i can remember, it felt like being stuck in a yo-yo! he would leave it , only to view it behind my back! this year has been hel for both of us- some said its the 7 year itch! but non the less I never thought we'd make it. the last few months I lots my self, my whole reason for existing , witch resulted in me having an emotional affair with another man, getting the divorce papers ready ect, but then he quit totally ! i think it woke him up

your hubby might not be like mine and what worked in my case might not in yours! but there is hope, there is a way!

don't loose hope yet, and don't let him distroy who you are! I know it is demening and hurtful but there is more to life! good luck and I hope i can help you in some way!

God Bless

Joline

 

 

Well after reading all the stories and posting my own this morning, I talk to him again and this time I really think he heard me, I told him I was ready to leave, we had a real conversation about everything, he even admitted that he thinks he has a problem and he is up for counseling.  I know that this is just the beginning but I am optimistic that everything will work out.  I has really helped me to know that I am not the only one going through this! Thank you.
 
December 13, 2006, 3:35 pm CST

but you gotta remember baeiou...

Quote From: baeiouy

Like this with my S/O last night. 

 

In one of my magazines they interviewed 12,000 women and 75% of those women stated that they use some kind of sexual device to get turned on.  Almost all stated that they have used vibators, 50% said that they have used porn and like 20% said role-playing.

 

I see nothing wrong with bringing toys, role-playing etc into the bedroom, but what I did have a problem with is that they needed this to get turned on.  Granted it could have been poorly worded but I took it how it was actually written.  I told my S/O that I dont need anything to get turned on, I just am.  The way I see porn, it's sole purpose is to get turned on, that is it.  I totally think it is BS when people state it is used to get positions, please.  I guess that is why I see porn as a problem when it is in a relationship.  If you need/want porn in it, doesnt that kind fo say something about your relationship.  That maybe you need to see what is missing or why you need something like that to get turned on.  My two cents on it.

that everybodys diff!! maybe some of the people who use porn in their sex play don't need it to get turned on...maybe they use it to change things up a bit and to make sex a lil diff than the usual straight up no-toys / no-porn / only 2 people kind of sex that girls like you usually want to have. i'm sure some girls like to use porn / toys but mostly, guys like to bring that into their sex play at least sometimes! not everybody who uses a vibe or a porn vid uses it because they can't get it up or get horny....i mean, haven't you ever heard of variety ?

 

 

i can see how and why you think like you do and thats cool. but to make a generalization that anybody and everybody that uses sex toys or porn vids every now and then are using them because somethings missing in their sexual relationship is a lil extreme don't ya think ? i had a personal question to ask you that just came to mind but i won't because i know you won't answer anyways and if you did, you'd probably lie about it out of embarasment or something .

 
December 13, 2006, 4:11 pm CST

let's remember

that this thread is for support and not to debate porn in relationships. Use the old message board to debate.
 
December 13, 2006, 4:15 pm CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.
 
December 14, 2006, 12:09 am CST

hi Shortgurl

Quote From: shortgyrl99

Well after reading all the stories and posting my own this morning, I talk to him again and this time I really think he heard me, I told him I was ready to leave, we had a real conversation about everything, he even admitted that he thinks he has a problem and he is up for counseling.  I know that this is just the beginning but I am optimistic that everything will work out.  I has really helped me to know that I am not the only one going through this! Thank you.

your welcome , not that i did much but. . .

please don't get me wrong on this, but becareful, even with help they do stray, they do slip up and stumble and return to their habits , mine has done this countless times! but you need to stay strong, you are beautiful, sexy and a great women , DON'T LET PORN DICTATE YOU OTHER WISE!!! but show him you mean business, its not enough to just threaten to leave, show him emotionally that you can and will cut him out of your heart if it continues! show himm your worth so much ,more then to be cheapend by porn! I really hope this all works out for you!

just remember the healing takes time and patience and love!

God bless

Joline

 
December 14, 2006, 7:27 am CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Quote From: rafoston

Well, I was directed here in CAPS so I really must have messed up, lol. Though all of these threads go extremely off topic. o.o Anyway, copyandpaste.
____
What a controversial topic, heh. I'll try to make this as short as possible...

I married pretty young to a wonderfully sweet guy who treats me like a princess in most ways. When we first got to together we immediatly started living with each other. I had pretty much accepted the fact that men have porn and he was really embaressed about it. A few nights in a row though, he had turned down sex from me when I actively approached him. This wasn't TOO abnormal because he had work the next morning and it was pretty late at night. When i'd wake up a few hours later, he'd be at the computer looking at porn. It was jaw-dropping. He turned me down yet here he was... I didn't have much of a problem with porn up until that point. I wasn't in love with the fact, but I was a bit more understanding. He had been using it from the age of like 15 or something. After talking to him about it he said that he woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. He didn't want to have sex because it would have made him tired the next day, but whenever he has trouble sleeping he just gets off and passes out. After I made it known that this was completely and utterly upsetting he finally seemed to 'get it'. He realized that it made me feel insecure and just terrible. He kept trying to explain that it wasn't me and that I had turned him on before he went to sleep, but he just knew it would mess up his day the next day. (If he gets too much sex he starts getting cranky and tired, i've seen it happen, lol)  It's been at least a year since he's watched any porn and I believe him when he says he doesn't. He does nothing but work and spend time with me.

I guess my problem at this point is that I just don't feel very 'sexual'. I feel completely inadiquate and hate the way I look. When he touches me in a sexual way, I almost cringe because I feel so disgusting, like I don't deserve to be touched by him and the whole time he's touching me he's just thinking of someone else. He's done everything he can to try and help me since and he feels terrible about the way he made me feel. I've since forgiven him but I can't forget. As soon as something sexual happens it just goes back to that. "I wasn't pretty/good enough for him..." However I do believe sex is a big part of a successful marriage and as of lately he's been pretty frustrated(sexually) with me and even made a little rant about how he's young and has sexual needs but doesn't want to bother me. I WANT to want it. We had a lot of problems in the beginning but now we barely argue and we have SO much fun together. We really are best friends and I can't imagine being with anyone else. Just the sexual part...

Sorry for the longness

   Hi Rafoston

My husband has been porn free for about 6 months. We were both in counselling, together and seperate and it was determined that he was an addict. He is now seeing a counsellor who deals with porn addictions. Life is pretty good but I can relate to what you are saying about feeling sexual. There is nothing longer than a women's memory. I love my husband but I too am having trouble feeling sexual. I find it so ironic that the tables have turned. So often I wanted sexual intimacy but he was not available [because of porn- but I did not know that at first] My husband hid his porn use. My take on it is that it takes time and work. For me I know I have some bitterness and anger left over, even tho I love him and always wanted to work thru this. The human mind and heart does not always act on cue. I know I was hurt very deeply, [like most women who get hit with this out of the blue]  but at this point I am not sure of  all of  the answers.  Darcy or Roxy  may have more input as they have gone beyond the point where I am at.  Let us know how you are.     jljs

 
December 14, 2006, 7:44 am CST

I agree with this

Quote From: baeiouy

Like this with my S/O last night. 

 

In one of my magazines they interviewed 12,000 women and 75% of those women stated that they use some kind of sexual device to get turned on.  Almost all stated that they have used vibators, 50% said that they have used porn and like 20% said role-playing.

 

I see nothing wrong with bringing toys, role-playing etc into the bedroom, but what I did have a problem with is that they needed this to get turned on.  Granted it could have been poorly worded but I took it how it was actually written.  I told my S/O that I dont need anything to get turned on, I just am.  The way I see porn, it's sole purpose is to get turned on, that is it.  I totally think it is BS when people state it is used to get positions, please.  I guess that is why I see porn as a problem when it is in a relationship.  If you need/want porn in it, doesnt that kind fo say something about your relationship.  That maybe you need to see what is missing or why you need something like that to get turned on.  My two cents on it.

   Hi Bae

I think a loving healthy marriage does not require porn.   jljs

 
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