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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 14, 2006, 10:03 am CST

hey emeliz

you out there? just bouncin your way to say hey and wondering how everythings going with you. hope you and your lil baby are having a cool day so far- its almost the weekend!! woohoo......you deserve to go out tomorrow night and have an awesome time at the clubs or where you usually go to chill. do you have a chics night out there sometimes? if ya do, then leave lil bambino with the hub and go out & have you some serious fun. one of my friends, chanita, is a new mom and it seem she always tired and stressed out and so thats why sometimes i gotta pull her by her hair lol and drag her out to the clubs while her boy stays at home with there babies . sometimes i'll take her to the beach and we'll just sit there watching the ocean waves talking about all kinds of stuff .

 

 

anyways just wanted to chirp at ya but now i gotta do some cleaning up around our apt, been putting it off because i been so busy but now that i'm on break theres no excuse now :((

 

 

 bless ya and stay strong girl!  with God, ALL things are possible!!!  <3

 
December 14, 2006, 10:08 am CST

i am confused

 hi everyone,

I have been reading all the posts for the past couple of months.  I have finally wrote my husband a letter.  We have been married for almost 14 years, but for the past 8 I have continued to catch hime and he continues to lie to me about his use of Porn.  I have proof about his use of Child porn and message boards.  I am really confused as to what to do.  I have to kids 13 and 11 to think about. 

Is it really me, or does he have a problem.. 
 
December 14, 2006, 11:08 am CST

Gypsy...

Quote From: gypsyprinces

 hi everyone,

I have been reading all the posts for the past couple of months.  I have finally wrote my husband a letter.  We have been married for almost 14 years, but for the past 8 I have continued to catch hime and he continues to lie to me about his use of Porn.  I have proof about his use of Child porn and message boards.  I am really confused as to what to do.  I have to kids 13 and 11 to think about. 

Is it really me, or does he have a problem.. 

When you say you have proof he has used child porn - do you mean actual children are depicted or is it of the 'barely legal' type?  If it is actual child porn, you need to separate yourself and your children from this man as soon as you possibly can.  Stay away until you know he has received extensive counseling.  I almost never counsel someone to leave a marriage - but if he is looking at child porn, I don't know what else you can do.  I know that someone who looks at child porn won't necessarily molest children who are available to him - but honestly I just don't think you can take the chance that he won't. 

If the porn is of the 'barely legal' kind, well that IMO is a bad sign also.  I personally find those kinds of images disturbing and repugnant. 

Either way, from the little you said I believe he has a problem.  Don't let it become a problem for your children.  If you have that proof you need to save it somewhere to use it so that when you get away from him, you can restrict his visits with the children to where they are supervised.  I know it is easy for me to say "leave", and in the real world that is sometimes hard to do.  I hope you will hear me when I tell you that you are really playing with fire though to stay in a home with someone who looks at child porn.  If, God forbid, it did come to pass that he molests one of your children, you are going to feel guilty for the rest of your life that you didn't leave.  If you aren't able financially to live on your own now, I hope you have family/friends who could help y'all get on your feet.  If not, there are women's shelters in almost every community. 

Please write back here - I am going to be worried about you.  I don't know how to help, other than to reassure you that he DOES have a problem and let you know we'll all be here to help support you as you face this problem.  Take care, Roxy

 
December 14, 2006, 11:14 am CST

umm, no. its not you...

Quote From: gypsyprinces

 hi everyone,

I have been reading all the posts for the past couple of months.  I have finally wrote my husband a letter.  We have been married for almost 14 years, but for the past 8 I have continued to catch hime and he continues to lie to me about his use of Porn.  I have proof about his use of Child porn and message boards.  I am really confused as to what to do.  I have to kids 13 and 11 to think about. 

Is it really me, or does he have a problem.. 

i don't know if you live here in the U.S. or not, but did you know that child pornography is ILLEGAL?????!!!!!!!!!  and you have KIDS around someone like that ???? 

 

 

if you dont want to turn your husband in to the police, i think you should take yourself AND your kids and go somewhere else SAFE until he gets HELP for his addiction. and DONT go back into that house UNTIL you have PROOF that he's getting HELP for his Child Porn addiction!!!!! 

 

 if you stay, your putting your kids innocense and SAFETY AT RISK. so, now you dont have to be confused anymore because i just gave you the lowdown on whats up with your husbands ILLEGAL and DANGEROUS addiction .

 

 

if you DO decide to turn him in to the authorities (which i think you SHOULD DO before he starts molesting children FOR REAL instead of just in his mind ) then you should bring the police ALL the proof you have of him looking at Child Porn online so they could get him the HELP that he obvously needs!!

 

bless you and your kids and remember what i said......take your kids and GET OUT of that house!!

 

 

 

 

this advice might sound extreme to other people but its not !!! i mean, porn is one thing, but a man (especially a dad with KIDS of his own!! ) using Child Porn is not only BREAKING THE LAW and the very MORALITY that most people live by- but its THE most horrific disgusting and abominable thing a human being can do!!

 
December 14, 2006, 11:26 am CST

Rafoston...

Quote From: rafoston

Well, I was directed here in CAPS so I really must have messed up, lol. Though all of these threads go extremely off topic. o.o Anyway, copyandpaste.
____
What a controversial topic, heh. I'll try to make this as short as possible...

I married pretty young to a wonderfully sweet guy who treats me like a princess in most ways. When we first got to together we immediatly started living with each other. I had pretty much accepted the fact that men have porn and he was really embaressed about it. A few nights in a row though, he had turned down sex from me when I actively approached him. This wasn't TOO abnormal because he had work the next morning and it was pretty late at night. When i'd wake up a few hours later, he'd be at the computer looking at porn. It was jaw-dropping. He turned me down yet here he was... I didn't have much of a problem with porn up until that point. I wasn't in love with the fact, but I was a bit more understanding. He had been using it from the age of like 15 or something. After talking to him about it he said that he woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. He didn't want to have sex because it would have made him tired the next day, but whenever he has trouble sleeping he just gets off and passes out. After I made it known that this was completely and utterly upsetting he finally seemed to 'get it'. He realized that it made me feel insecure and just terrible. He kept trying to explain that it wasn't me and that I had turned him on before he went to sleep, but he just knew it would mess up his day the next day. (If he gets too much sex he starts getting cranky and tired, i've seen it happen, lol)  It's been at least a year since he's watched any porn and I believe him when he says he doesn't. He does nothing but work and spend time with me.

I guess my problem at this point is that I just don't feel very 'sexual'. I feel completely inadiquate and hate the way I look. When he touches me in a sexual way, I almost cringe because I feel so disgusting, like I don't deserve to be touched by him and the whole time he's touching me he's just thinking of someone else. He's done everything he can to try and help me since and he feels terrible about the way he made me feel. I've since forgiven him but I can't forget. As soon as something sexual happens it just goes back to that. "I wasn't pretty/good enough for him..." However I do believe sex is a big part of a successful marriage and as of lately he's been pretty frustrated(sexually) with me and even made a little rant about how he's young and has sexual needs but doesn't want to bother me. I WANT to want it. We had a lot of problems in the beginning but now we barely argue and we have SO much fun together. We really are best friends and I can't imagine being with anyone else. Just the sexual part...

Sorry for the longness

You don't need to apologize for the length of your post - you should always use as many words as you need to get your thoughts out.  I have written several 'books' on these boards lol.  Anyway - glad you found the board and I hope we can help.

 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel inadequate and hate the way you look and you feel disgusting.  I used to feel those very things.  I thought he was looking at porn because he was dissatisfied with my body and needed to have those images in mind in order to be able to have sex with me.  It took a while, but he finally convinced me that was completely untrue.  It took alot of reassurance - I cannot even tell you how many times he would say things like "I LOVE your body, every bit of it".  He showed that he did too, he didn't just say it.  It sounds like your husband is also doing all he can to reassure you.  You are simply going to have to accept that he didn't choose to look at porn because you weren't pretty/good enough for him.  You are.  Look him right in the eye and let him tell you how he feels about your body - really feel him when he does, let it soak in and accept it.  When those feelings of inadequacy start to intrude again, just say NO, and concentrate on the moment of him telling you how he feels about your body.  Start talking to yourself differently - when you start to cringe or feel ugly - say something like "He loves my body and I am pretty/good enough and I am going to relax and enjoy this!".  I know that seems kind of silly, but you have to start talking to yourself in a positive way, or all the positive things he says are never going to make a difference. 

 

I also believe sex is a big part of a successful marriage.   I hope you can let go of the feelings of inadequacy, because it is possible that if you continue to hang onto them you will create what you fear most - your marriage could become very damaged.  I'm not saying it is easy to let go of those feelings, I struggled with it as well.  It's important to do it though.  It sounds like y'all have a wonderful relationship and I hope you are able to work this out and start to feel about sex the way you used to.  We're here for support any time.  Take care, Roxy

 
December 14, 2006, 12:06 pm CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Quote From: roxy_belle

When you say you have proof he has used child porn - do you mean actual children are depicted or is it of the 'barely legal' type?  If it is actual child porn, you need to separate yourself and your children from this man as soon as you possibly can.  Stay away until you know he has received extensive counseling.  I almost never counsel someone to leave a marriage - but if he is looking at child porn, I don't know what else you can do.  I know that someone who looks at child porn won't necessarily molest children who are available to him - but honestly I just don't think you can take the chance that he won't. 

If the porn is of the 'barely legal' kind, well that IMO is a bad sign also.  I personally find those kinds of images disturbing and repugnant. 

Either way, from the little you said I believe he has a problem.  Don't let it become a problem for your children.  If you have that proof you need to save it somewhere to use it so that when you get away from him, you can restrict his visits with the children to where they are supervised.  I know it is easy for me to say "leave", and in the real world that is sometimes hard to do.  I hope you will hear me when I tell you that you are really playing with fire though to stay in a home with someone who looks at child porn.  If, God forbid, it did come to pass that he molests one of your children, you are going to feel guilty for the rest of your life that you didn't leave.  If you aren't able financially to live on your own now, I hope you have family/friends who could help y'all get on your feet.  If not, there are women's shelters in almost every community. 

Please write back here - I am going to be worried about you.  I don't know how to help, other than to reassure you that he DOES have a problem and let you know we'll all be here to help support you as you face this problem.  Take care, Roxy

 I hear you all thanks, i have been in contact with an attorney.  my husband is out of town at the moment.  Yes i am thinking about my kids and yes I do have over 30 gigis of proof.  I am so hurt, thanks to you all i will keep you informed.


 
December 14, 2006, 12:08 pm CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Quote From: roxy_belle

When you say you have proof he has used child porn - do you mean actual children are depicted or is it of the 'barely legal' type?  If it is actual child porn, you need to separate yourself and your children from this man as soon as you possibly can.  Stay away until you know he has received extensive counseling.  I almost never counsel someone to leave a marriage - but if he is looking at child porn, I don't know what else you can do.  I know that someone who looks at child porn won't necessarily molest children who are available to him - but honestly I just don't think you can take the chance that he won't. 

If the porn is of the 'barely legal' kind, well that IMO is a bad sign also.  I personally find those kinds of images disturbing and repugnant. 

Either way, from the little you said I believe he has a problem.  Don't let it become a problem for your children.  If you have that proof you need to save it somewhere to use it so that when you get away from him, you can restrict his visits with the children to where they are supervised.  I know it is easy for me to say "leave", and in the real world that is sometimes hard to do.  I hope you will hear me when I tell you that you are really playing with fire though to stay in a home with someone who looks at child porn.  If, God forbid, it did come to pass that he molests one of your children, you are going to feel guilty for the rest of your life that you didn't leave.  If you aren't able financially to live on your own now, I hope you have family/friends who could help y'all get on your feet.  If not, there are women's shelters in almost every community. 

Please write back here - I am going to be worried about you.  I don't know how to help, other than to reassure you that he DOES have a problem and let you know we'll all be here to help support you as you face this problem.  Take care, Roxy

 i have different proof from the age of 5 and older.

He does not know that i have this.

I am so confused.

Thanks for the responese.  You can email me at gypsyprinces13@yahoo.com


Love to all

 
December 14, 2006, 6:11 pm CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

What happen to how porn affected our relationship?  Why did they change it?
 
December 14, 2006, 6:14 pm CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Quote From: gypsyprinces

 i have different proof from the age of 5 and older.

He does not know that i have this.

I am so confused.

Thanks for the responese.  You can email me at gypsyprinces13@yahoo.com


Love to all

I'm sorry, but that's just sick.  5 years old? R u serious!  Please don't let this crap slide!
 
December 14, 2006, 6:34 pm CST

hey turk....

Quote From: turkalurk

What happen to how porn affected our relationship?  Why did they change it?
This board, "how porn has hurt our relationship" is for support for those who have porn issues/addictions present in their relationships.  The "old board" is now for debate/discussion on porn in general.  I think it is a good idea. TTYL. ~J~
 
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