Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

For this reason, and now you are contemplating leaving again, I would say , if you do leave, make sure you truly understand that is forever. He is not going to change so you need to either accept and love him for who he is, a man addicted to porn, of leave him and let him live his life as he chooses without your judgements and suffering. 

I left my husband after 7 years becasue he was addicted to porn. I am now gone a year and he probably still looks at porn. If your sex life is good and you care about each other, what is it exactly that bothers you most about him looking at porn? Do you feel you are not satisfying him? Then ask him. Do you feel jealous that there are other women that make him horney? That is understandable, so you need to tell him you don't like the competition feeling it makes you feel when he is admiring other women.  Do you feel disgust? Then that is probably something that you need to work on.  I went through all of this and I came up with something much more simpler.

If after you have talked to him about how you feel and he makes no move to change anything in his behaviours , then you are probably dealing with a person that is not capable of compromising and being compassionate for other people. Its about him and his needs first. Then he needs to find someone that also puts their needs first. That is the only person he can respect. 

And to be perfectly honest, I would question why you didn't think more rationally when you got married the second time?????!  And he got married 3X's!!!! Phew. I think we need to remember that we can date people.............we don't have to marry them or even make committments to them until we are ready and totally in agreement about what that is for both parties involved.

I am finding out more and more about my husband. One is that he's very deceptive. We had many long talks during our dating years I believed and trusted him but he lied. I waited many years to remarry,and I thought he was very different than he's turned out to be.. He's a Dr.Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde. I was totally duped, but I will wait and see how things progress.You hit it right on when you said he's not capable of change,compromise,or compassion. As far as his marriages go I believed him,but definetly question anything he says now. But anyway I will give my marriage a while longer before making a decision to end it.

Thank you for your reply. Have a great New Year.

I hope your celebration was a success! I have found and would want the same respect, that we need to accept people for who they are, as we want them to accept us for who we are, without having to change anything, unless that is something that is dangerous to ones health or wealth being. But choices, are ours and we are better with those that have similar views on important issues because the choice will only be what is reflective and indiviual to all of us. When we feel dissatisfied with someones choices, we can then make a choice, not to contiue to feel dissatisfied or if we can't do that, then we will suffer.

Staying in a relationship that is not good or unsatisfactory is not something we must do because we need to be compassionate. But compassion comes from a place of wisdom, knowing when a situation is good or bad. Compassion does mean staying in a bad situation. Leaving something behind can feel like a loss or an abandonment, when its really OUR strong attachement to it and there is something that we are trying to prove.  Whenever I find something about someone that disturbs me, I almost immediately wonder why do I feel so pulled by this person. Its usually based on some fear or ignorance or ego. 

It is not our calling to make life work for others, but to make our life work so that we can benefit others. Its their job to do the same. And what other way would ther ebe?? When we stay out of relationships with people, we lose the gift of what that person is going to be able to teach us about ourselves, and how we interact with others. Do you think that something as silly as porn can destroy a loving relationship? It can't just like any other temptation, unless, the choice is made to use that to destroy what would have been destroyed anyway. I don't believe there is one thing that makes two people not good for each other, but sometimes, we just can't expect everyone to feel the way we do, actually, hardly anyone ever feels the way we do on any given day or moment, that is the ego trying to start trouble.....

So, the most important thing to remember when you are wondering if you should stay or go.....ask yourself is there more pain or joy? If it is balanced, it is a normal rlsp. If it is more pain, it is wrong...if it is all good...then you are one lucky dawg!  Possibly maybe that could be when you find your soulmate. :)

Kim

 I have been with my husband for 10 yrs now, married for only 4. I new not long after meeting him that he enjoyed watching Porn, however he had been divorced for 4 yrs and hadn't been in a serious relationship since. I thought for sure that after being together the Porn would just go away...Boy was I wrong ! when I 1st found the box of porn hidden in the back of the shad he promised to stop and that he wouldn't continue to watch it, I believed him. around this time DVD players where the new technology , i wanted one, to my surprise he bought me one ( cant remember if it was Christmas, birthday or no real reason at all) however it didn't take me long to realize he didn't buy the DVD player for me, he bought it for himself and the fact he could now get porn on DVD a much better picture, i started to find dvd hidden in magazines ect.. i approached him again and made him aware that this bothered me, he once again promised to stop, and once again i feel for it.. i tried not to think about, however I left for a vacation for a week w some girlfriends of mine and when i came home i couldn't help but search, i new deep down i would find something and of course i did, this time hidden in the back spar tire compartment of his car, but the empty cases i found in the back of our closet.. this time i lost it , i couldn't even work that day it was all i could think about, i said i was leaving and again he convinced me that he loved me and he couldn't help it, that he just had an addition to it, and it helped to satisfy him, but yet in the same breath i satisfied him ????? again i stayed around hoping this time he would really try , i had no problems w his playboy and hustler mags, only with the movies. after we moved into a new place, i again caught him watching porn, i was actually laying in bed next to him and he thought i was asleep so he changed the channel.. i went on and on with him about how bad it makes me feel about myself, that he was really hurting me, he again NWT on to convince me how much he loves me and its nothing. i tried to ignore it and act as if it didn't bother me and tried to block it out of my mind. we later moved into a new place and got our 1st pc, it didn't take long for him to find the online porn sites, i new what he was doing and again said something to him and again it was the same thing. I went on to marry him and have been married for 4 yrs now, we purchased our home after getting married and once again i started finding the dvds hidden all over my house, in the garage, under the dresser, in mags. and the Internet, i found that he was going to porn sights everyday on the Internet, he thought he was being smart by deleting all history but it didn't take me long to find the system that recovers all deleted files. i arrived home from work one day and the pc was just starting to shut dwn and he was in the bathtub, yes middle of the day taking a bath, i advised him i new what he was doing and he tried to deny it so i pulled all the deleted files up and sh wed them to him, this time he was more then willing to say how sorry he was and tht he wouldn't do it again.. yea right.. i noticed it stooped for a min, but found my husband never wants to go anywhere w me and the kids if he can b home alone. one Saturday morning my son had a football game and we have to arrive 1 hr early, my husband ( this is his stepson, we have no kids together) stated that he would meet me up there, i however forgot the battery for my camera and had to run home and grab it after i dropped my son off, i walk in the door to big busted tits fucking on my TV screen, once again my husband now in the shower, i pulled the movie out of the dvd player through it in the shower and advised him he forgot to turn it off when he run for the shower. he again keep saying how sorry he was , he even went as far as throwing the dvd away along w others he had hidden that i hadn't came across yet. and once again i caved and stayed along for the ride, after finding him on the pc again on porn sights and getting pop-ups to meet locals in the area, I had it... we set down and i talked to him again, i finally caved i told him i didn't care if he had porn dvds in the house i just asked that he didn't hid them all over, to keep them in his bottom draw, but not all over.. and that he stay off the Internet porn, he agreed and asked me to set up parental controls on the pc so tht he couldn't access porn if he tired, i set up the block, but only to find porn still hidden in his tool box, and in a playstation box stored in our shed and who knws where else, also he purchased a blackberry cell phone , and guess what ? yep u guessed it .. he has been downloading porn from the Internet everyday since he got the cell phne.. i just cant do this anymore, i am so scared to walk away, i have invested so much time, but when i try to talk to him about  porn now, his response is , he is who he is and he is not going to change... this tells me he doesn't really care about me, i think we have become a comfort zone for ea. other.. the sex is horrible i have to admit, i wont no part of sex with him, the porn has destroyed the sexual attraction i had for him, as soon as he touches me i start thinking wonder if he already jerked off today, or how many porn downloads did he watch on his cell to make him horney, and not to mention i feel that i cant live up to a porn star, he likes very hard core porn, and i cant get into it. It makes me sick to my stomach just to think about it.... please give advice... i really need support !!!!

I am having trouble dealing with the fact that my boy friend looks at porn. I now this is something that he did long before I started seeing him. But somehow it makes me feel bad to know I am not good enough for him and he has to look at other women. Is it my own insecurities that are the problem or should I just get over the whole thing and move on.  I am so confused by this and wish it would be easy to figure out. Anyone with advice or experience that could help me would be appreciated. Thanks :)