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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

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Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am

Author : DrPhilBoard1

Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

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January 27, 2009, 1:06 pm PST

so now what?

I have been married for 30 years. Over the years I have found my husband to use porn on occasion. Over the years I have been in denial. Last week I walked in on him pleasuring himself to porn online. He then yelled at me because I no longer am interested in sex. He then stormed off for about 5 hours. Which gave me alot of time to think. At first I told him he was right, I deserved this. I am not interested in sex. I gave him no choice but to look at porn. BUT NOW... I realize that he has been doing this all through the marriage. Many times over the years I have found sites either when I searched throught the history or that he left on the task bar. So even back in the day when I did want sex and we had it quite often, he was still into the porn. So now he has asked me if we can put this all behind us and just move forward. He says he won't do it anymore. I do not believe him. If he has been doing this for almost 30 years, really? Could he even stop?
I have forgiven him, but I cannot forget. So where does that leave me? Do I go get therapy so I can deal with this? Do I end the marriage? Can I ever forget? It hurts so much and he can't even see that. And as far as me not wanting sex, my body just stopped making the hormones. I can't turn them back on. I am taking bioidenticals and have been for two years, but unfortunately, my libido is still gone. By the way, bioidentical hormones are the best! They changed my life. (Except for the sex part).

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January 27, 2009, 6:20 pm PST

dont know how to trust

My husband has been watching porn ever since I had our daughter. I found out 2 weeks after I had our little girl that he was watching porn. He told me he wouldnt do it again but a couple months later he was back at it. I cant trust him anymore. When he goes to work if he is late I think he is out cheating. Porn has ruined my marriage and my self esteem. It makes me feel worthless like I am not good enough.

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January 28, 2009, 9:24 am PST

A replacement not an enhancer

Quote From: lms423

Yeah, my fiance looks at porn...has for a long time. So I got to a place where I was working out, I went from a minor 150 lbs to a better and toner 128 lbs, I was going to the tanning bed, my hair is still really long, and it can be curly or straight, and it's blonde, I was looking the best i'd ever looked in my life and i'm 30. It didn't matter. And it will never matter how good I look or what I do or even if I was Playboy quality in the looks department or porn queen quality in the bedroom - HE WILL STILL LOOK AT PORN. Can anyone tell me why? He has said it himself, no matter what I look like or what I do in bed he will still look at the others. So what do you think this did to my motivation to look good? To improve myself inside and out? It KILLED my motivation. So I've gained back 10 pounds and I quit working out. I no longer have plans to grow my hair down past my butt. And i've decided I really like fast food. I mean, what does it matter? SO now can anyone tell me with a straight face that if I keep improving on the way I look, and how nice I can be, or how sexy and good in bed I can be, that maybe he wouldn't look at and watch porn? HA !!! B.S!! Nothing you ever do will stop it, ladies. You can pray for him. God is all powerful. But God won't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. He'd have to want to change. And how many men do we know that actually WANT to QUIT? I'm just as confused as any of you. I love my man so much. But like a flower, my soul, my spirit is wilting. My heart is aching. He has SO MANY GOOD QUALITIES that make me want him in my life forever. What is it about this issue , pornography. that makes all these great qualities fade into the background? Is it the way our self esteem and self worth fades into the background?? Everything we ever held dear about love and sex and marriage and intimacy has been p*ssed on by pornography. Anything that was ever real about true intimacy has been mocked and replaced with a wink and a nod in the direction of the inexcusable perverted and dangerous addictions that men (and even women) allow themselves to develop and entertain. It still never ceases to amaze me how anyone can say, "I don't see anything wrong with it." America has unfortunately allowed this type of "entertainment" to run rampant and spread its disease for far too long.

To me, that summarizes porn use. The visual illusions have replaced physical contact and physical visual contact and no one seems to think it is such a big deal because they are so accustomed to being told what is hot, whats not, too many suggestions and not enough introspective analysis of who we are and what our needs are......not to be affected by that of others! No matter what we look like, we are only visuals to those that live in a world of fantasy visual but no contact or control over their own sexuality. It is dictated to an extent for them.

That makes it difficult for the truly sexual, to feel inconvenienced or or substitued, because in fact, we are being substituted with someone that is not living in reality. Fantasy is good, when it is created by ourselves, which is what makes a fantasy, well, a very personal thing. I think porn has sorely affected the minds of many and they are under an illusion and living in some kind of life void. :)

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February 3, 2009, 7:43 pm PST

Think of it this way.

Quote From: catnip72

I am having trouble dealing with the fact that my boy friend looks at porn. I now this is something that he did long before I started seeing him. But somehow it makes me feel bad to know I am not good enough for him and he has to look at other women. Is it my own insecurities that are the problem or should I just get over the whole thing and move on. I am so confused by this and wish it would be easy to figure out. Anyone with advice or experience that could help me would be appreciated. Thanks :)

How do you feel when you are getting a lot of attention from people that you find attractive, sexy, interesting? I am not saying you are an attention mongul, but porn for many is an acceptance of sorts that even if they can't get this in their lives on a real basis, the fantasy feeds the ego and the need for feeling something. If we depend on others or other sources for contentment and acceptance, recognition, feeling, we are never going to be satisfied because it is not real.

Porn is not real sex. Porn is mental sex. Flirting and dressing provocatively, attracting attention whether in how we dress, how we speak, the company we keep, are all symbols for status and a feeling of being in control over our lives. I believe porn to those guys that have used it as a source of sexual entertainment and sexual pleasure are only as guilty as the way girls have used their sexuality to get what they want. So in fact, when your guy says its normal, it is for a boy; like batting eyelashes is for a girl.

Now that being said, does this make it right or good in a relationship and can it harm or affect it in anyway? Well, there are things that may need tweeking when we get involved with someone but I truly believe that the sacrifice is not that difficult if the relationship is worth preserving. That takes a lot of time and maturity to come to that conclusion and I don't think he is there yet. Good luck.

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February 4, 2009, 2:06 pm PST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

My husband has been getting porographic emails from a women he works with. I am so hurt that I can not get past this. He does not see that there is anything wrong with this. He says she sends it to a lot of the guys where he works. I know he ask her out . I can't imagine they type of woman that would do something like this and I can't imagine how my husband would want to associate with someone that is that disgusting. I need help to get through this and I have no place to turn.

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February 6, 2009, 8:05 am PST

She sounds like a tart.

Quote From: unabletoheal

My husband has been getting porographic emails from a women he works with. I am so hurt that I can not get past this. He does not see that there is anything wrong with this. He says she sends it to a lot of the guys where he works. I know he ask her out . I can't imagine they type of woman that would do something like this and I can't imagine how my husband would want to associate with someone that is that disgusting. I need help to get through this and I have no place to turn.

The only thing I can say is any woman that sends sex messages or emails to other men is a tart or not getting it and is looking for some action. Even if she sends to everyone, I think he should tell her to remove his name off her list and if he doesn't then he is not showing you any respect. Also, and this is a big thing to consider, some women are just more manly. Meaning, they are like one of the guys. She may have worked with men for so long that she forgot what it was like to be a woman and is falling right into the slime way of thinking that a lot of men fall for. She is probably slime and thinks like a guy when it comes to sex. THis does not mean you have to put up with the disrespect. But one more thing you need to think about, if he doesn't put a stop to you, you will have to make a decision to accept him and his female sexual buddies, or leave him and try to find a nice guy that won't want to upset you or make you feel unsafe. Good luck. You deserve to be treated with the utmost respect from your man.

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February 15, 2009, 5:43 pm PST

PORN HAS DISTROYED ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP

I FOUND OUT 1 YEAR AGO MY HUSBAND WAS ON ADULT LIVE CHAT ROOMS PICKING OUT GIRLS TO HAVE CYBERSEX WITH. I HAD WONDERED WHY HE DIDN'T WANT SEX ANYMORE WITH ME AFTER ONLY LESS THAN 1 YR. TOGETHER. FOR 4 YEARS WE WERE SEXLESS. HE AND I BOTH ARE CHRISTIANS AND THIS WAS THE FURTEREST FROM MY THOUGHTS. HE BORROWED MY COMPUTER AFTER HIS BROKE AND FORGOT TO ERASE THE HISTORY.HE SAID HE HD JUST DONE IT A FEW TIMES TO SEE WHAT IT WAS LIKE. BUT, AFTER MY CHECKING HIS CELL PHONE AND OTHER THINGS, I FOUND OUT HE'D BEEN SPENDING AROUND $500. MONTHLY ON THES XXX SITES. HE WOULD COME TO BED, THEN JUMP UP AND SAY HE COULDN'T SLEEP. I'D FIND HIM ON THE TIOLET WITH THE COMPUTER,ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING. HE SAID JUST PLAYING A GAME. HE WAS ALWAYS IN LA LA LAND AND STOPPED TALKING TO ME. HE'D SIT STARING AT THE COMPUTER EVEN WHEN IT WASN'T ON.WHEN I FOUND HIM HE PROMISED NOT TO DO IT ANYMORE. RIGHT.!!I FOUND FLASH CARDS WITH SITES LIKE PICTURES TO GO,PORN TO GO. I LOOKED THEM UP. THEY WERE SITES ON WHICH CELL PHONES TO BUY FOR THE BEST EUREOPEAN PORN. EVERYTIME I LEFT THE HOUSE HE WENT TO THE CHAT SITES AND HAD SEX, I KNEW. HE CLEANED THE TOILET.I TOO FEEL IT IS MY FALT EVEN THOUGH TWO SEX THERAPIST HAVE SAID IT IS HIM,NOT ME.HE DID QUIT.MOSTLY BECAUSE OF THE COST,I THINK.HE THINKS HE FOOLED ME.BUT,EVERYTHING THAT CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH HAD SEXUAL OVERTURES. NOW, I FOUND OUT THE MEN EMPLOYEES AT HIS WORK ARE DOWNLOADING PORN.I THINK HE'S DOING IT AGAIN. BUT, I CAN'T DEAL. HE EVEN HAS GONE BEHIND MY BACK AND SEEN OTHER WOMEN. THIS IS THE RESULT OF HIS CORRUPTED MIND.I TOO HAVE THOUGHT OF SUICIDE.LEAVING MAY NOT BE AN OPTION AS I AM DISABLED WITH VERY LIMITED INCOME.THIS IS AGAINST THE BIBLE AND MAKES ME FEEL UGLY.

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February 17, 2009, 12:38 pm PST

You need to really look at why you are staying with him.

Quote From: andimansmom

I FOUND OUT 1 YEAR AGO MY HUSBAND WAS ON ADULT LIVE CHAT ROOMS PICKING OUT GIRLS TO HAVE CYBERSEX WITH. I HAD WONDERED WHY HE DIDN'T WANT SEX ANYMORE WITH ME AFTER ONLY LESS THAN 1 YR. TOGETHER. FOR 4 YEARS WE WERE SEXLESS. HE AND I BOTH ARE CHRISTIANS AND THIS WAS THE FURTEREST FROM MY THOUGHTS. HE BORROWED MY COMPUTER AFTER HIS BROKE AND FORGOT TO ERASE THE HISTORY.HE SAID HE HD JUST DONE IT A FEW TIMES TO SEE WHAT IT WAS LIKE. BUT, AFTER MY CHECKING HIS CELL PHONE AND OTHER THINGS, I FOUND OUT HE'D BEEN SPENDING AROUND $500. MONTHLY ON THES XXX SITES. HE WOULD COME TO BED, THEN JUMP UP AND SAY HE COULDN'T SLEEP. I'D FIND HIM ON THE TIOLET WITH THE COMPUTER,ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING. HE SAID JUST PLAYING A GAME. HE WAS ALWAYS IN LA LA LAND AND STOPPED TALKING TO ME. HE'D SIT STARING AT THE COMPUTER EVEN WHEN IT WASN'T ON.WHEN I FOUND HIM HE PROMISED NOT TO DO IT ANYMORE. RIGHT.!!I FOUND FLASH CARDS WITH SITES LIKE PICTURES TO GO,PORN TO GO. I LOOKED THEM UP. THEY WERE SITES ON WHICH CELL PHONES TO BUY FOR THE BEST EUREOPEAN PORN. EVERYTIME I LEFT THE HOUSE HE WENT TO THE CHAT SITES AND HAD SEX, I KNEW. HE CLEANED THE TOILET.I TOO FEEL IT IS MY FALT EVEN THOUGH TWO SEX THERAPIST HAVE SAID IT IS HIM,NOT ME.HE DID QUIT.MOSTLY BECAUSE OF THE COST,I THINK.HE THINKS HE FOOLED ME.BUT,EVERYTHING THAT CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH HAD SEXUAL OVERTURES. NOW, I FOUND OUT THE MEN EMPLOYEES AT HIS WORK ARE DOWNLOADING PORN.I THINK HE'S DOING IT AGAIN. BUT, I CAN'T DEAL. HE EVEN HAS GONE BEHIND MY BACK AND SEEN OTHER WOMEN. THIS IS THE RESULT OF HIS CORRUPTED MIND.I TOO HAVE THOUGHT OF SUICIDE.LEAVING MAY NOT BE AN OPTION AS I AM DISABLED WITH VERY LIMITED INCOME.THIS IS AGAINST THE BIBLE AND MAKES ME FEEL UGLY.

He broke his vows by having sex with other women and men...even if it was only in his mind he even talked to them, so its not just fantasy, but real, live, humans, with feelings. You need to leave him. Hard to do, I know.

You man is hooked on porn. My "ex" was also hooked into live phone sex, porn sites, adult friend finders, etc. you name it. There are probably a lot of things he was into that I didn't know about - much like your guy. Your man might even visit hookers. I think mine did too but I didn't question him anymore because I wasn't having sex with him. We were married for 7 years, for 7 years porn was a part of his daily habit. Now I am divorced from him for 1.5 years, and I am sure he still spends his hardearned money and time on the stuff. Yours will too. When a person is so into porn that they stare at the screen, well, what more proof do you need that he has not only crossed over the very fine line of fantasy, but he is now addicted to porn and sex. You need to leave him or you will always be wondering what he is doing, then wondering....with whom.

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February 23, 2009, 8:20 am PST

porn in relationship

i have been with my husband almost 9 yrs we watch porn together it seems to really open the doors in our sex life alot at first i was not to sure about it but i tryed watchin porn with him it has really helped

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blindyrd

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February 23, 2009, 8:21 am PST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

wow, its been so long sense i have been to this message board theres not much going on. I guess thats a good thing. Things for me have been going great. Porn has not been an issue for the past couple years. My man and i got married, and even though porn is not an issue. The after affects from it still haunt me. I couldnt imagine having to live with it day after day. I couldnt do it, kids or no kids, good man or not. My hubby never had a porn addiction, but he does have a chocolate addiction lol. It makes him so happy, and when he wants some he is actually grumpy. Sometimes i think he enjoys chocolate more then sex. Its like the satisfaction he gets after eating it, i wish he would feel that way about having sex with me. Sometimes in my mind i actually still think that maybe he would actually rather get off to porn then to have real sex with me. And when we do have it, almost feel like its like a chore to him to satisfy me which makes it all the more depressing. I dont understand why i still feel this way. WIll it ever go away. Will i ever stop thinking about it??? God i really wish there was a magic pill i could take to make things the way they were befor the porn lol.

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