Quote From: kimikomineI divorced my h mainly because he was addicted to porn and used it because he was unable to have an intimate, loving relationship with me because of it. To many, porn is used because they don't want to deal with the ties of another human being. It becomes "the" source of sex. Some feel bad about that, others don't give a hoot.
Since then, I have opened my eyes real wide and believe I finally see the side of sexuality that has forever plagued me. It is true that prehistorically, men were the hunters, away from home a lot, and women were the gatherers, nurturing the soil, family, etc. Men use the reasoning "it is their right", women who use their sexuality (as in porn) feel it is their right to be sexually alluring to all at all times. If that is the case, then so be it. I think men should be with women that are like them. But I wonder why most men do not have these types of women?
Because these women don't want them.
And these men don't want these women.
It is all an act. Its a ploy in order for them to keep away from loving intimate relationships. No amount of conversation can convince me a person with these morals can also raise a family and honestly look at themselves in the mirror and love who they are!
It is difficult for me to find compassion for someone that has great potential to hurt me, but it is important for all of us to find compassion for these men. The pain you feel is based in ego; that somehow someone is doing something to hurt YOU. People don't do things to hurt US. They do them because they are hurting. It is difficult to find compassion when someone is hurting us, but it is the only way.
Now, I am not saying to stay in a situation that is outrightly bad for us. Walk away if there is danger. But until you learn the lesson you need to, and it is not his porn use, but probably more your shaky spirit/soul that is making you suffer. Q: Would you keep eating something you didn't like because it was being fed to you? Only if you were forced, right? Would you question why you did't like it or would you just assume you didn't like it and turn it away? That is precisiouly what we need to do when we are being fed bad intentions from our "friends/lovers" and try to convince ourselves their intentions are good.
Kimi
I don't feel there is danger, other than getting hurt. I don't think he has a shaky soul, but doesn't view porn the way I do. I think he's more selfish. I feel it is sinful. I think that these women probably had something very sad happen in their childhood to bring them to this point. Also, their is undeniably crime involved with this industry. Therefore, I don't understand how men can get their jollies off on it. I think it does steer the soul away from what is healthy. They are living in some fantasy land, and it skews their perception of reality. I do think he's a good dad, provider, and he loves me. He definitely doesn't use this to avoid intimacy with me. If he is hurting, I guess it's because we are not together as often as he like. He wants to me intimate with me too often. It's like he has a movie running through his head, and I'm there to play the role. It's not like I'm a prude, or that we are never together. It's about 1x or 2x a week. We recently went away for the weekend, and did it 3x in two days. I wish he could focus on the times that we are together, rather than not being together often enough. So here is my story with porn: 3 years ago I found out that he was looking at on-line (free) porn. He said he would stop. I found out how to check the history, and found he was still looking at it. I asked him if he was. He said, "no." Then I showed him the printout of use. He lied straight to my face. This was a tough one to get over. Fast Forward, we recently were in an argument. I asked if he used porn, and to please be honest with me. He said only when he travels. I asked if there was in any way porn in this house. He said, "no." He swore. The next day I came home unexpectedly and found him with his pants around his ankles viewing porn on his work computer (during work day). I'm really upset about the lying and deceit. To top it off he blamed me that he did it because of something I said during the argument. Last week I felt like I was in the depths of despair. I seriously considered divorcing him. I felt as though I couldn't keep going through this hurt anymore. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it he turned it around on me. I said, you lied right to my face. He said, "you lied because you said we would do it three times a week with all the bells and whistles." Don't recall making such a deal, but he believes we did. I told him that makes me feel like his personal porn star. I took the Dr. Phil advice that he has to chose between porn and me. He said he chose me years ago, but apparently I didn't live up to my end of the bargain. He said he will stop porn, but that means I have to grant him access to me more often. I feel like I'm being held emotionally hostage. You better step it up, or else. We have jobs, kids, he travels, LIFE! Where is he being realistic? He said he did the numbers, and when you compute how often it really takes out of the week it isn't asking much. It isn't just the amount of times a week. I feel like he talks to me disrespectfully. He says he is just complimenting me because I'm insecure. He says things like, "when do I get to tap that ass again?" "look at that fine onion of an ass," "what do you expect when you wear those p@#$$y pants." I want to be with him less and less. NOW? I have no idea when I'll feel like being with him again. I suggested a separation and divorce, but now I regret it. We have young kids, I don't want to go it alone, and I do sometimes love him. I just don't want to go through this pain and hurt. He's so frustrating! He thinks this is totally normal guy stuff. He said he did stop for a year, but we went two weeks one time, and that got him started again. I can't have him doing this in our house. It's disrespectful to me, it is dangerous for the kids, and on his work computer! He said he found a way around it, so they can't catch him. I guess you can log in anonymously. I don't see how men can excuse this away as being totally normal when they know that it hurts and destroys families. I keep bouncing it around like a ping pong is it normal? am I overreacting? can I live with this? Every time I walk out of the house I worry, when he travels, when I go to bed early. He said it's not as often as I think. I don't know what to think. I'm trying to find a marriage counselor. Of course, he won't go to a woman. He thinks we are going to gang up on him about the evils of porn. When I suggested he chose between porn and me I didn't mean my body. I meant my heart, my trust in him, respect for him. He's just so confident in his point of view that he's right and I am wrong. Anyway, thanks for listening. I like your advice about being force fed. Like Dr. Phil says (paraphrase), you set the standards for how people treat you.
