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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
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Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

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July 31, 2009, 5:07 am CDT

thin or fat

Quote From: newrn2009

Hello everyone,
I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 6 years.  He has been addicted to porn for that entire time.  He would watch it almost every day, sometimes multiple times per day.  He would always deny looking at it.  He stopped touching me, complimenting me, and seems to no longer like looking at me.  Of course he SAYS he finds me attractive, and claims he just never thinks to tell me how he feels. And he simply never acts on his feelings.   Which I think is complete rubbish. He used to do these things.  He used to tell me he liked me, that I was beautiful.   He used to touch me and make me feel desired.  It used to be a natural reaction for him. Now there is nothing.  I feel so disgusting most of the time.  I'm overweight and I'm no idiot.  I know what I look like in the mirror.  It's just so much more painful to know that the things you hate most about yourself are the things he doesn't like either. 
I have talked to him so many times.  Talked to him about how this makes me feel, and he is in counseling.  He supposedly stopped looking at porn, but I still hurt.  He just doesn't seem to care how much this has negatively affected me.  He seems to only care for himself and seldom puts me at the top of his priority list.  I don't understand how anyone could hurt the other person so many times and simply not care.  I don't know what to do.

Hi!

 

How long has he been in counseling?  Does he recognize he has a problem?  He doesn't recognize how much that it hurts you, and until he does I think he needs to keep going.  I don't know if they ever will know.  I wonder about my husband.  They just don't seem to grasp the hurt.  I hate to say this, but I wouldn't get married yet.  It doesn't get any easier after marriage, and children forget it.  I would have left my husband if it wasn't for the kids.

 

I have to say, I'm thin and my husband still looks at it.  Thin or overweight, I don't think it matters because it isn't about you.  It's them.  I gave him everything he seemed to want, he finds me attractive, and he still looks at it.  I think they get to a point where it never is enough.  I'm in a situation where I think it messed with his mind to where he sees me as his personal porn star.  Like a kid wanting MORE and MORE candy!   He doesn't get how I feel disrespected.  Whether you are having sex or not, thin or not, confident or not, it just doesn't seem to matter.  It still messes with the marriage.  Even if you lost all the weight and he was all over you, I think it would still be in him to look at porn.  Keep that in mind b/4 you get married.  It's about what is in the inside.  I'm sure you wish your fiance could see that.  I wish my husband could see that.

 

Best wishes!

 
July 31, 2009, 5:24 pm CDT

Pornography

Quote From: newrn2009

Hello everyone,
I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 6 years.  He has been addicted to porn for that entire time.  He would watch it almost every day, sometimes multiple times per day.  He would always deny looking at it.  He stopped touching me, complimenting me, and seems to no longer like looking at me.  Of course he SAYS he finds me attractive, and claims he just never thinks to tell me how he feels. And he simply never acts on his feelings.   Which I think is complete rubbish. He used to do these things.  He used to tell me he liked me, that I was beautiful.   He used to touch me and make me feel desired.  It used to be a natural reaction for him. Now there is nothing.  I feel so disgusting most of the time.  I'm overweight and I'm no idiot.  I know what I look like in the mirror.  It's just so much more painful to know that the things you hate most about yourself are the things he doesn't like either. 
I have talked to him so many times.  Talked to him about how this makes me feel, and he is in counseling.  He supposedly stopped looking at porn, but I still hurt.  He just doesn't seem to care how much this has negatively affected me.  He seems to only care for himself and seldom puts me at the top of his priority list.  I don't understand how anyone could hurt the other person so many times and simply not care.  I don't know what to do.

Some people like to look at fat people, some skinny, some black, some white, some asian, some old, someyoung, some s & M, some soft core. Its does not have anything to do with who the person is with. Porn is available in so many ways, that the sky is the limit. YOu can't compare yourself to the skinny, the black if you're white, the white if your're black. Its not about you at all. It is everything about the person doing the watching of it.

 

Of course it is going to make your more conscious of yourself and what you look like. Because now you are comparing yourself tosomeone else. We will never be anyone other then who we are. And we better learn to love it.  When we truly love ourselves in all our glories, it doesnn't matter what someone else is finnding attractive.

 

I have come to believe that people can watch porn, even go to strip clubs, even flirt with the co worker at the office, or the guy you met on the line in the supermarket. You can exchange picrtures, talk dirty to strangers, but the one thing that separates the person that can do these things from the person who can't ......is the person that can't have an intimate relationship with one person. As soon as intimacy is negligant, absent, shaky, uncomfortable, that is a signal that it is more then a casual moment of wanting to feel a little more alive, or more turned on, it is a sign that there is an emotional disturbance. From what I can understand, most people want itimacy.

 

When something interferes with the want of intimacy, that is now a psychological disturbance. You are not dealing with a man that just likes to look at porn once in while, you are with a man that looks at porn a lot, and doesn't want you.

 

In all of this very long post, lol, the bottom line is this:   I will quote you......' he just doesn't seem to carehow much this negatively affected me. He seem to only care for himself andn seldon puts me at the top of his priortiy list.

 

.......' I don't understand how anyone could hurt the other person so many tiems and simply not care'.

 

.......so why is it that you don't know what to do??????

 

........you do know what to do, you just don't want to do it.

 

Now that you know you don't want to do what you need to do, you will continue down to spiral and this will not disappear. It took me close to 5 years to be able to accept the fact that some people are just not into intimacy.....but are into porn.

 

Kim

 
August 3, 2009, 12:25 pm CDT

Girl he is a sick old man

Quote From: calligraphy

Hi!  That is pretty appalling that your father in law would ask you about your sex life.  Why do you think he asked?  Does your husband confide in him?  Or, do you think that sex is a priority to him too.  Either way it's not his business, and it is just weird for him to go there. 

 

Good for you for standing up for yourself!  I hear you!  I'm not a prude, but come on!!!!!!!!!!  Where is the respect?

 

I don't think that I drew the line w/my husband.  I think I blurred them, and created a monster.  I did things that I wasn't comfortable with because I thought it would make him happy.  If he's happy, then it gave myself a false sense of security that life was happy.  Maybe I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't please him.  The fear of being cheated on, losing my family, have to be a single parent and support myself.  Now I've changed, and he hasn't.  He still enjoys those things, but I feel like I just can't do them anymore.  I'm willing to do some things, but I can't respect myself when I do others.  Why does it have to be with "all the bells and whistles"?  Why can't he just find an inner beauty with me, and when we come together it is enough.  Like I said b/4 it's not like we never have it.  I know 1 or 2x a week will never be enough for him when he can just click the computer and get more.

 

I was watching random tv last night, and a commercial came on for bootycall.com.  It was so appalling.  They had this couple trying to "talk", and what a wast of time that is when you can just go to bootycall.com and get what you really want.  There is WAY too much sex in television, movies, etc.

 

Got to go.

 

Hang in there!

My father in law is a perv maybe he watches porn when his wife is asleep . These kinds of questions come from dirty old men who watched porn in their younger years LOL . I feel like this is what porn does to a man or woman who can't get enough of it . Very much like a drug they can't kick . It twists their mind and warps their soul . In porn the women are paid to act like they like what they are doing and yes it is an act . I dont like dirty talk around me in bed with my husband is one thing but for another to come out and ask in mixed company is down right rude and vulgar . With my father in law he is supposed to be a big glorified christian as is my mother in law (YEAH RIGHT) but it is filth all the time and she smiles and goes with it . Her first husband my husband's father would have never acted like that or asked a question like that . I used to think she was a lady but to see her now is shocks us all . I have never had a problem with speaking my mind LOL maybe that is why i get in trouble rofl . I don't think not wanting your husband to not watch porn is a control issue . I feel like it is like beer then pot then harder drugs . I feel like when it becomes a problem in a marriage then sister we are their drug counselers we have to try to help them center theirselves in reality . Porn not being reality !!

 

You are so right there is way too much sex on tv . Porn involves some very sick actions . Look at the kids that are hurt by it ! Porn includes children animals and some really nasty acts . Hell yes we as wives and girlfriends have the right to demand better  . I feel sorry for anyone who believes they have to put up with it . I for one will not have it in my house or my bed . Controling ? Maybe but someone has got to do it why not the ones who are being hurt by it ? I deserve better and so does everyone else who has someone who is in to porn . I dont feel like we are the weaker sex we do a lot in a marriage and we deserve for our feelings to be considered . Thank you keep the kind words coming .

 
August 3, 2009, 12:43 pm CDT

So right

Quote From: kimikomine

Some people like to look at fat people, some skinny, some black, some white, some asian, some old, someyoung, some s & M, some soft core. Its does not have anything to do with who the person is with. Porn is available in so many ways, that the sky is the limit. YOu can't compare yourself to the skinny, the black if you're white, the white if your're black. Its not about you at all. It is everything about the person doing the watching of it.

 

Of course it is going to make your more conscious of yourself and what you look like. Because now you are comparing yourself tosomeone else. We will never be anyone other then who we are. And we better learn to love it.  When we truly love ourselves in all our glories, it doesnn't matter what someone else is finnding attractive.

 

I have come to believe that people can watch porn, even go to strip clubs, even flirt with the co worker at the office, or the guy you met on the line in the supermarket. You can exchange picrtures, talk dirty to strangers, but the one thing that separates the person that can do these things from the person who can't ......is the person that can't have an intimate relationship with one person. As soon as intimacy is negligant, absent, shaky, uncomfortable, that is a signal that it is more then a casual moment of wanting to feel a little more alive, or more turned on, it is a sign that there is an emotional disturbance. From what I can understand, most people want itimacy.

 

When something interferes with the want of intimacy, that is now a psychological disturbance. You are not dealing with a man that just likes to look at porn once in while, you are with a man that looks at porn a lot, and doesn't want you.

 

In all of this very long post, lol, the bottom line is this:   I will quote you......' he just doesn't seem to carehow much this negatively affected me. He seem to only care for himself andn seldon puts me at the top of his priortiy list.

 

.......' I don't understand how anyone could hurt the other person so many tiems and simply not care'.

 

.......so why is it that you don't know what to do??????

 

........you do know what to do, you just don't want to do it.

 

Now that you know you don't want to do what you need to do, you will continue down to spiral and this will not disappear. It took me close to 5 years to be able to accept the fact that some people are just not into intimacy.....but are into porn.

 

Kim

 I hurt for you . I am a big woman also and my husband is a big man . I must admit it makes me feel insecure when he watches some tiny bit of porn perfection . I am not worried with him cheating maybe I'm just to old and set in my ways but I dont think about him running around . It hurts to think the man you love might prefer something better than what he has . But the thing is smaller is not better we are beautiful and lets face it he wouldn't care for porn so much if he has to go pay a porn star to do what she does LOL . Because sweetie that is the only way he could get what he see on tv or in videos . It is a dream world nothing real about it . The camera is rolling  that is the only reality about it . I do agree with Kim just do what you need to do . There is a man out there for every woman one who will make you feel like a queen . You deserve it  go find it . We are a sisterhood all of us ladies . We should all be number one with our man he should always take that extra time to say you are beautiful and I love you . My husband and I went to the movies it was kind of touching I after 27 years of marriage had to remove his hand from my shirt . I do know he loves and wants me but I still blush . We also need to remember that they are still men and have needs and they need to know we think they are wanted and loved . They really dont work like we do I don't think we will ever completely understand them .

 

I'm running on . Do what is right for you take your time and think can you live like this another 20 years ? Only you can answer that . Dont waste a life time on something that is just not working . My thoughts and prayers are with you . Susan

 
August 3, 2009, 12:58 pm CDT

I'll keep it short

Quote From: calligraphy

I don't feel there is danger, other than getting hurt.  I don't think he has a shaky soul, but doesn't view porn the way I do.  I think he's more selfish.  I feel it is sinful.  I think that these women probably had something very sad happen in their childhood to bring them to this point.  Also, their is undeniably crime involved with this industry.  Therefore, I don't understand how men can get their jollies off on it.  I think it does steer the soul away from what is healthy. They are living in some fantasy land, and it skews their perception of reality.  I do think he's a good dad, provider, and he loves me.  He definitely doesn't use this to avoid intimacy with me.  If he is hurting, I guess it's because we are not together as often as he like.  He wants to me intimate with me too often.  It's like he has a movie running through his head, and I'm there to play the role.  It's not like I'm a prude, or that we are never together.  It's about 1x or 2x a week.  We recently went away for the weekend, and did it 3x in two days.  I wish he could focus on the times that we are together, rather than not being together often enough.  So here is my story with porn:  3 years ago I found out that he was looking at on-line (free) porn.  He said he would stop.  I found out how to check the history, and found he was still looking at it.  I asked him if he was.  He said, "no."  Then I showed him the printout of use.  He lied straight to my face.  This was a tough one to get over.  Fast Forward, we recently were in an argument.  I asked if he used porn, and to please be honest with me.  He said only when he travels.  I asked if there was in any way porn in this house.  He said, "no."  He swore.  The next day I came home unexpectedly and found him with his pants around his ankles viewing porn on his work computer (during work day).  I'm really upset about the lying and deceit.  To top it off he blamed me that he did it because of something I said during the argument.  Last week I felt like I was in the depths of despair.  I seriously considered divorcing him.  I felt as though I couldn't keep going through this hurt anymore.  Whenever I tried to talk to him about it he turned it around on me.  I said, you lied right to my face.  He said, "you lied because you said we would do it three times a week with all the bells and whistles."  Don't recall making such a deal, but he believes we did. I told him that makes me feel like his personal porn star.  I took the Dr. Phil advice that he has to chose between porn and me.  He said he chose me years ago, but apparently I didn't live up to my end of the bargain.  He said he will stop porn, but that means I have to grant him access to me more often.  I feel like I'm being held emotionally hostage.  You better step it up, or else.  We have jobs, kids, he travels, LIFE!  Where is he being realistic?  He said he did the numbers, and when you compute how often it really takes out of the week it isn't asking much.  It isn't just the amount of times a week.  I feel like he talks to me disrespectfully.  He says he is just complimenting me because I'm insecure.  He says things like, "when do I get to tap that ass again?"  "look at that fine onion of an ass,"  "what do you expect when you wear those p@#$$y pants."  I want to be with him less and less.  NOW?  I have no idea when I'll feel like being with him again.  I suggested a separation and divorce, but now I regret it.  We have young kids, I don't want to go it alone, and I do sometimes love him.  I just don't want to go through this pain and hurt.  He's so frustrating!  He thinks this is totally normal guy stuff.  He said he did stop for a year, but we went two weeks one time, and that got him started again.  I can't have him doing this in our house.  It's disrespectful to me, it is dangerous for the kids, and on his work computer!  He said he found a way around it, so they can't catch him.  I guess you can log in anonymously.  I don't see how men can excuse this away as being totally normal when they know that it hurts and destroys families.  I keep bouncing it around like a ping pong is it normal?  am I overreacting? can I live with this?  Every time I walk out of the house I worry, when he travels, when I go to bed early.  He said it's not as often as I think.  I don't know what to think.  I'm trying to find a marriage counselor.  Of course, he won't go to a woman.  He thinks we are going to gang up on him about the evils of porn.  When I suggested he chose between porn and me I didn't mean my body.  I meant my heart, my trust in him, respect for him.  He's just so confident in his point of view that he's right and I am wrong.  Anyway, thanks for listening.  I like your advice about being force fed.  Like Dr. Phil says (paraphrase), you set the standards for how people treat you. 
 They have no clue ! Asking when he can tap that ass again come on boys grow up . Who would have felt if he had come up to you and wrapped his arms around you and said baby you are beautiful I want to make love to you ? You would have probably made time right then . But no you get tap that ass . BIG TURN OFF !!!!!!
 
August 3, 2009, 1:00 pm CDT

ops typo

Quote From: susanh1965

 They have no clue ! Asking when he can tap that ass again come on boys grow up . Who would have felt if he had come up to you and wrapped his arms around you and said baby you are beautiful I want to make love to you ? You would have probably made time right then . But no you get tap that ass . BIG TURN OFF !!!!!!

How would you have felt .

 
August 4, 2009, 7:56 am CDT

If you would like to contact me

Quote From: susanh1965

 I hurt for you . I am a big woman also and my husband is a big man . I must admit it makes me feel insecure when he watches some tiny bit of porn perfection . I am not worried with him cheating maybe I'm just to old and set in my ways but I dont think about him running around . It hurts to think the man you love might prefer something better than what he has . But the thing is smaller is not better we are beautiful and lets face it he wouldn't care for porn so much if he has to go pay a porn star to do what she does LOL . Because sweetie that is the only way he could get what he see on tv or in videos . It is a dream world nothing real about it . The camera is rolling  that is the only reality about it . I do agree with Kim just do what you need to do . There is a man out there for every woman one who will make you feel like a queen . You deserve it  go find it . We are a sisterhood all of us ladies . We should all be number one with our man he should always take that extra time to say you are beautiful and I love you . My husband and I went to the movies it was kind of touching I after 27 years of marriage had to remove his hand from my shirt . I do know he loves and wants me but I still blush . We also need to remember that they are still men and have needs and they need to know we think they are wanted and loved . They really dont work like we do I don't think we will ever completely understand them .

 

I'm running on . Do what is right for you take your time and think can you live like this another 20 years ? Only you can answer that . Dont waste a life time on something that is just not working . My thoughts and prayers are with you . Susan

My email is susan_hickingbottom@yahoo.com . You seem like a lovely person maybe we could chat by email .
 
August 4, 2009, 9:16 am CDT

You're right

Quote From: susanh1965

How would you have felt .

We are programed differently.  I'm not sure if I'll ever get him, or him I.  I know he has needs, but I'm tired of feeling compelled to please him.  I wish he would appreciate what we have, the time we have together, rather than when we aren't.  What is realistic?  Maybe if he didn't talk to me that way I would be more interested.  I'm not sure what to say anymore.  I'm tired of the whole subject.  We have an appt for counseling.  I don't even feel like communicating w/him anymore.  I have physical needs too.  He's not the only one who gets horny, for lack of a better word.  We haven't been together in a while now (too long because of our fighting situation), and I'm literally aching.  I do get the need, but he should exercise some self control and not over indulge in fantasy.  Thanks for the support!

 
August 6, 2009, 8:45 am CDT

You are right

Quote From: calligraphy

We are programed differently.  I'm not sure if I'll ever get him, or him I.  I know he has needs, but I'm tired of feeling compelled to please him.  I wish he would appreciate what we have, the time we have together, rather than when we aren't.  What is realistic?  Maybe if he didn't talk to me that way I would be more interested.  I'm not sure what to say anymore.  I'm tired of the whole subject.  We have an appt for counseling.  I don't even feel like communicating w/him anymore.  I have physical needs too.  He's not the only one who gets horny, for lack of a better word.  We haven't been together in a while now (too long because of our fighting situation), and I'm literally aching.  I do get the need, but he should exercise some self control and not over indulge in fantasy.  Thanks for the support!

Maybe it you draw him a picture . I had to do it with my husband . I laid it all out and told him what I wanted . If our men dont want to be treated like knuckle draggers why do they act like one ?
 
August 11, 2009, 11:19 pm CDT

I would

Quote From: calligraphy

Hi!  I'm new to this.  If there is anyone who would like to talk and support each other, please reply.  This isn't something that I care to discuss with my family or friends at this point, and I feel very alone.  It would help to share w/someone who can empathize.
You seem like a womderful woman . I would very much like to chat .
 
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