Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

But, in this case, what came first, the chicken or the egg?

 

Is he indulging in fantasy because he is lacking in his life with you? Or is he indulging in fantasy, well, like he always had? Also, you are indulging as well, by trying to figure it out. Even though your indulgence is healthy for the relationship, you are just as obsessed (for lack of better work, lol) with this and he is obsessed with sex and porn a lack thereof. Right?

 

Everyone has needs. Not just you and he. For the most part, sex has been advertised as entertainment, with women being the target of this entertainment. And women have not complained. He not only has physical needs, but emotional ones, and him wanting to have "sex like an animal", is more his suffering then a need. He is attached to sex. Why? Only he can figure it out. YOu have to figure out why you are attached to trying to figure out why he is attached to sex and why you feel guilty and somewhat responsibile for his attachment to sex. He is in this alone.  When it comes to porn, I believe it has nothing at all to do with whetehr they find their s/o attractive or sexy, but more about wanting more and more.

 

I left my husband because he was like your husband, in certain ways. But it felt like the same "jab" , if you know what I mean. What good is jabbing back? It is an ego thing and does not ever create a solution. The solution in your case would be don't come at his with a co dependant approach, enabling, but also see him as a part of you, that is suffering and gently try to approach it coming from a place of compassion, not fear and anger.

 

Good luck if you go to therapy, but like all forms of counseling, its where we are emotionally and spiritually that will allow us to be open to change, if that is necessary. Good luck to you both. Kimi

Hi!  I went away for a bit.  I think it put some things in perspective for us.  He really missed me/kids.  He said he doesn't want to lose me & loves me.  I believe him.  We had some loooooooooong talks, and made a great deal of progress.  I was strong and told him what I wanted.   I will be treated w/respect & not talked to that way.  He said he always thought it was a compliment.  He's been good so far about complimenting me in a tasteful manner.  Kimi was right about my being "obsessed" with trying to figure it out.  I was definitely in a dark place for a few weeks.  Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me, and make a mountain out of a mole hill.  I needed to calm down and get a grip.  I think the guilt she spoke of came from insecurity.  I had my own things to sort out.  I had every right to be upset w/him, but needed to control how I reacted.  I'm not going to be hard on myself though, part of gaining confidence.  You seem nice too.

Dear Dr. Phil, I have been in a relationship for 5yrs. and I am in a situation where my common-law spouse gets up in the middle of the night just to watch porn on the computer,it makes me feel belittled!! Also,he wants anal sex which he knows I don't like because it very uncomfortable, but he is very nasty and verbally abusive when I deny him of this act! I have got so I don't even want to think about sex for this reason!! Dr. Phil,what should I do???