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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
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Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 11, 2006, 12:36 pm CST

go figure

Quote From: figuritout

I noticed the new message board and wanted to say hi to everyone.  I know I don't stop in often, but I do think about you guys.  I hope this new board will make it easier for you to talk about your issues.  I don't have a porn issue at home, but it is interesting to read about how if affects relationships. 

 

I saw Kimi's note about leaving.  I hope she will come back or come to another message board so I can talk to her again.  I remember a lot of similarities between us (our marriages)--even though I wasn't dealing with porn.  Kimi...I hope you'll stop by sometime.

 

Take care,

Figuritout

it is figuritout!

 

wow the day is getting better by the minute!

 

how the heck are you?

 
December 11, 2006, 12:48 pm CST

Just saw this at the top of the page

Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the 
Pornography message board

 

Wow they really have give us a place. I am so so grateful!

 
December 11, 2006, 1:02 pm CST

okay bae here it is

You said " actually I have been saying that from the very beginning if someone turns away from the relationship, via porn, emotional support from someone else, then there is something that is missing in that relationship.  Whatever that something is as to be worked on and turning away is not going to make the situation better."   For some the porn was there long before they got married and not sure if in those cases it is about something missing in the relationship or if it is something that person that is turning to porn is struggling with their own personal issues. For myself...my husband was long addicted to porn before he met me. And there was nothing I could provide him with in the relationship to change this. What I however needed to do was stop enabling his addictions and feeing it. I needed to show him that I was not dependent of his every move and show him that if need be I could survive on my own.   FOr many it isn't about what they are not getting in a marriage but about being misguided about marriage and sex to begin with. For many they have forgotten that they need to turn to their partner for these things and think that is okay to turn somewhere else as long as they are not physically coming into contact with someone else.   Okay back to working on something I was doing here. Happy to see you here bae! (i know you will be see us soon)
 
December 11, 2006, 1:17 pm CST

I should have been clearly on what

Quote From: darcylove

You said " actually I have been saying that from the very beginning if someone turns away from the relationship, via porn, emotional support from someone else, then there is something that is missing in that relationship.  Whatever that something is as to be worked on and turning away is not going to make the situation better."   For some the porn was there long before they got married and not sure if in those cases it is about something missing in the relationship or if it is something that person that is turning to porn is struggling with their own personal issues. For myself...my husband was long addicted to porn before he met me. And there was nothing I could provide him with in the relationship to change this. What I however needed to do was stop enabling his addictions and feeing it. I needed to show him that I was not dependent of his every move and show him that if need be I could survive on my own.   FOr many it isn't about what they are not getting in a marriage but about being misguided about marriage and sex to begin with. For many they have forgotten that they need to turn to their partner for these things and think that is okay to turn somewhere else as long as they are not physically coming into contact with someone else.   Okay back to working on something I was doing here. Happy to see you here bae! (i know you will be see us soon)

I said. 

 

I am well aware of people that have had porn their entire life.  But if you really think about it, the reason they turned to porn was that something was missing, it could have very well been a person.  They just never realized that once they had a partner that they no longer needed the porn.

 

I agree with you 110% that people need to turn to their partners instead of somewhere else.  People are not working on their relationship and seeing what each one needs, sexually, emotionally etc.

 

I left you an email :)

 
December 11, 2006, 1:48 pm CST

i agree

Quote From: baeiouy

I said. 

 

I am well aware of people that have had porn their entire life.  But if you really think about it, the reason they turned to porn was that something was missing, it could have very well been a person.  They just never realized that once they had a partner that they no longer needed the porn.

 

I agree with you 110% that people need to turn to their partners instead of somewhere else.  People are not working on their relationship and seeing what each one needs, sexually, emotionally etc.

 

I left you an email :)

maybe what was missing in my husband's life was someone.....but by the time I came along he was already addicted. I think in many ways he was lonely for attention (he had a large family but I can't say his parents weren't the best they could be for 6 kids). He had 3 sisters very close in age to him and being surrounded by so many with needs all the same at the same time I am sure was part of the cause. I often think that have a large number of children isn't always the best thing because something has to give. It is no different then having too many in one classroom.

 

I am sure this new board will not be popular to some on the other one. Support does not mean to me not hearing the other side but means allowing a person to voice without feeling attacked. That has not taken place at the other place in very long time. People need to know they have someone to listen and not always judge them. And in all of that ...guidance to finding the answer can happen. If showing up here only ends up with someone being faced with more blame and attacks....they turn away and get nothing.

 

I will check my email. I am in the middle of creating a photo collage for my son's friend for christmas so if I don't get back to you right away....that is why.

 
December 11, 2006, 3:11 pm CST

I agree with you....

Quote From: darcylove

maybe what was missing in my husband's life was someone.....but by the time I came along he was already addicted. I think in many ways he was lonely for attention (he had a large family but I can't say his parents weren't the best they could be for 6 kids). He had 3 sisters very close in age to him and being surrounded by so many with needs all the same at the same time I am sure was part of the cause. I often think that have a large number of children isn't always the best thing because something has to give. It is no different then having too many in one classroom.

 

I am sure this new board will not be popular to some on the other one. Support does not mean to me not hearing the other side but means allowing a person to voice without feeling attacked. That has not taken place at the other place in very long time. People need to know they have someone to listen and not always judge them. And in all of that ...guidance to finding the answer can happen. If showing up here only ends up with someone being faced with more blame and attacks....they turn away and get nothing.

 

I will check my email. I am in the middle of creating a photo collage for my son's friend for christmas so if I don't get back to you right away....that is why.

Aim new to this website.but since aim been here it been a very big help.i got so much insight about what porn has done to me and to many people like me.it nice to find site where you can go and talk about how your feeling and people will understand. I live on a small island and you cant really talk to anyone there with out the whole island finding out.

 

Its hard when you are married and your other half is looking at porn, but when he is looking at  female body builders now that hurts. You see after i had my children it changed my body.I don't have the same body i had before the kids. I conforted him about it and he tells me that he doesn't really know.so i asked him if thats kind of woman he wants, he told me no. it just dont make any sense to me. he tell me that iam the only woman he wants but he cant stop looking i dont think he cant stop he just dont want to. It really hurt  so much that i don't want to have sex with him. Dont get me wrong i like having sex with him. Its just that i can't help feeling that its the other women he is thinking about. I  tried of  everything i can , I have even been losing the weight and trying to get my body back to the way it was just to make him want me . but  the question i have been asking my self is do i want  to be with him. Before i go i just wanted to say Thank you

 

Aloha

hawaiiangirl

 
December 11, 2006, 3:35 pm CST

great board great idea

Hi all. I am so glad the forum has been changed. I still consider myself a newbie to some extent and have lots of things I still want to know about.  It has been very difficult saying what I wanted to say because there was a fear on my part of getting blasted or scoffed at for my beliefs and more so my feelings. I was very careful as to how I worded anything. Reading posts from pro-porn people always veered away from the point and made me feel like I should spend time trying to explain but I hardly ever did.  I think the main thing that was missed on the other board was the ''feelings'' that we had from being deceived. A recent case in point is the comments made about a women waiting in bed for her husband. I understood exactly what it meant but others wanted to argue sexual positions, who initiated it , being lazy waiting in bed, etc. etc.  To me the point was laying in bed hurt because he would rather be on the computer.  Before porn I never found myself alone at bedtime. Now everyone that has been on this side of the fence knows what I mean. I am really glad that this board is here.    jljs
 
December 11, 2006, 4:59 pm CST

this board

Quote From: jljs53

Hi all. I am so glad the forum has been changed. I still consider myself a newbie to some extent and have lots of things I still want to know about.  It has been very difficult saying what I wanted to say because there was a fear on my part of getting blasted or scoffed at for my beliefs and more so my feelings. I was very careful as to how I worded anything. Reading posts from pro-porn people always veered away from the point and made me feel like I should spend time trying to explain but I hardly ever did.  I think the main thing that was missed on the other board was the ''feelings'' that we had from being deceived. A recent case in point is the comments made about a women waiting in bed for her husband. I understood exactly what it meant but others wanted to argue sexual positions, who initiated it , being lazy waiting in bed, etc. etc.  To me the point was laying in bed hurt because he would rather be on the computer.  Before porn I never found myself alone at bedtime. Now everyone that has been on this side of the fence knows what I mean. I am really glad that this board is here.    jljs

is coming with great critism because some believe that all that will happen here is a bunch of people crying with little help going on.

 

As I have always said......if you have done all that you can to figure out what went wrong and have had no success (and most who end up here have) then maybe it is time you stop poinint at oneself and start looking for new solutions.

 

It is my belief that many women who end up here and have had little success in ridding their marriage of porn (what seems so simple to you and I but has not been) most are dealing with far more then just a simple porn usage. It is my belief that the reason they encounter the same arguements over and over is because they are dealing with porn becoming much more then just a pasttime. Yes...an addiction.

 

So now we have this place to figure it all out. And I am glad we have it. THose who want to debate can suffer through the other place. The rest of us....will enjoy having each other to support (and yes sometimes cry together).

 
December 11, 2006, 5:26 pm CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

I am new to this particular forum, though I post on other of Dr. Phil's boards. I've read for some time now with great interest the debate seemed to get going back and forth. I refrained from posting b/c frankly, I just didn't have the emotional energy to engage in a written "tit for tat" with a man desperate to prove his point and alter someone else's. It would seem that some people just don't get it. These days, if you're anti-porn, you're called "insecure" and "behind the times". I assure you it is because I HAVE self esteem that I'm anti-porn. These men are deluding themselves about what they're actually witnessing. It's all an ACT. It's PRETEND. And maybe that's just what they want...pretend sex. I have been through the whole porn thing with my ex...whom I was married to for over 20 years. I understand the pain of being lied to...and substitued. Porn IS a substitute...and if they don't think so, they're in denial about the whole thing. What better way for a man (or woman) to come home from a long hard day, and that night have a wonderfully emotional loving experience with the woman he professes to love? Then there are the times when it's time to "heat things up" a little. But we don't have to turn ourselves into porn stars to do so. I would think that the men who prefer (or need) porn have checked out emotionally from the relationship. They want it hot...they want it steamy...they want what they see. And yet they'd complain b/c their women are less than accommodating. Why should we be? We want them to be with US...no interference from an outside source. For many men, it becomes a full-blown addiction. I can't tell you the marriages I've seen to break up over just this sort of thing. You add the lies and deceit..and the hurt it causes. The lack of trust. How are you supposed to maintain a healthy loving relationship with those feelings involved? I don't think these message boards are the place for such a man. He needs outside intervention. He's not going to "get" what a woman who is against it is talking about, b/c he doesn't WANT to. I think men like that really don't *like* women underneath it all..and there's a lack of respect as well. One poster acted like it was all one sided...always for the woman...nothing for the man. I wanted to pose a hypothetical situation to him...but I didn't get the chance. If he were the jealous sort, and his wife loved innocent, harmless flirting...yet it caused him considerable pain, isn't that along the same lines? HE would be asking her to stop doing something that *she* loved to do. Because it caused him PAIN. I just don't think these men understand the true amount of pain that this causes to the women. It has NOTHING to do with esteem issues.

My marriage didn't break up b/c of porn...but it did break up. I'm not with a man who does not look at porn. I know...some men would say "sure, he doesn't". But he doesn't. He helped me to understand the emotional side of the sexual relationship..and the difference when heating things up is called for. He truly "gets" it. For that, I am lucky. For those of you still suffering through this with your husbands/SO's, I hope that you will realize that is NOT about you. No matter what someone would try to make you think it is...b/c you don't initiate sex often enough, dress in naughty nighties, etc. These men are just depersonalizing a very personal act. And the women involved in it.

I apologize for the lengthy post. I've waited too long to express my thoughts on this, I suppose. And to Darcy..I remember the chastising you took for using italics for quoting someone. The poster had not only grammatical, but spelling errors as well. Methinks he thinks just a little TOO highly of himself. I too, wouldn't want to be his wife. I don't think he could handle it.

 
December 11, 2006, 7:44 pm CST

finally....!

 I am so glad this new board exists. Those who are now where I was last year can now post and discuss without feeling like something is "wrong" with us for not wanting porn in our relationship, and to get support without censure. Those who do not feel porn is an issue in their relationships can now have a "mature" discussion on the other board without the interference of those of us in pain or distress. Or the interference of morality regarding it. I do not believe this will become an "everyone crying on everyone's shoulder" board. Or to make a stereotypical translation: "a bunch of women suffering and crying about porn in their marriages." As if that would take precedence over mature discussion and support.
 
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