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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 11, 2006, 8:39 pm CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Quote From: darcylove

is coming with great critism because some believe that all that will happen here is a bunch of people crying with little help going on.

 

As I have always said......if you have done all that you can to figure out what went wrong and have had no success (and most who end up here have) then maybe it is time you stop poinint at oneself and start looking for new solutions.

 

It is my belief that many women who end up here and have had little success in ridding their marriage of porn (what seems so simple to you and I but has not been) most are dealing with far more then just a simple porn usage. It is my belief that the reason they encounter the same arguements over and over is because they are dealing with porn becoming much more then just a pasttime. Yes...an addiction.

 

So now we have this place to figure it all out. And I am glad we have it. THose who want to debate can suffer through the other place. The rest of us....will enjoy having each other to support (and yes sometimes cry together).

 
December 11, 2006, 8:39 pm CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Quote From: darcylove

is coming with great critism because some believe that all that will happen here is a bunch of people crying with little help going on.

 

As I have always said......if you have done all that you can to figure out what went wrong and have had no success (and most who end up here have) then maybe it is time you stop poinint at oneself and start looking for new solutions.

 

It is my belief that many women who end up here and have had little success in ridding their marriage of porn (what seems so simple to you and I but has not been) most are dealing with far more then just a simple porn usage. It is my belief that the reason they encounter the same arguements over and over is because they are dealing with porn becoming much more then just a pasttime. Yes...an addiction.

 

So now we have this place to figure it all out. And I am glad we have it. THose who want to debate can suffer through the other place. The rest of us....will enjoy having each other to support (and yes sometimes cry together).

 
December 11, 2006, 8:54 pm CST

I agree

This will not be a board with people only crying. There are lots of people that have varying degrees of experience and are at different stages in dealing with porn. These are the people who can offer support, ideas and advice. This board will make it much easier to get help.   jljs
 
December 11, 2006, 9:43 pm CST

Iam glad

Aim glad that there are people out there that can give advice.Aim so glad that i found this site.I just wanted say Thank you all again.All the posts that i read helps me alot. I hope that aim not one of those who cries..  Ok made aim for right now.lol. Aim just glad i can learn from all of you.

 

Aloha,

hawaiiangirl

 

 

 
December 12, 2006, 3:04 am CST

Good Morning Everyone!

It is a new day and with it more opportunities to do what is right and in accordance to our self worth and success in this life. I am still a little surprised that this new board was created and even though the older board definately was wonderful most times, the morals between some of us were just way too different in this area of porn. I am greatful that we have a place now where those that are emotionally dragged down can find support and a helping hand.

 

I don't think we need to know why a person chooses to use porn but we need to know why and how they can continue it after they are made aware that it is damaging their marriages, families. In a loving and supportive relationship, each person should feel safe and connected to one another and even though it is human nature to lie to one anothe about some things, when it comes to intimacy (into-me-see) and it is not respected and valued, that relationship becomes damaged.

 

I honestly feel that sometimes we have to do things that we do not like to do in order to keep the peace and show respect and honor towards this person that is our partner. It does not mean we do things that are bad for our health, emotional or physical, but that we find compassion in loving them enough to try to understand why they do what they do, despite the consequences. It means going to a party that you don't want to go to; going to a hospital to visit and ailing parent; picking up their children at the bus stop when you would rather be at the gym; making a cup of coffee when you would rather stay in bed.

 

It does not mean standing by when they blame you for their lustful ways or their insatible sexual needs or addictions to porn or the zillion excuses for the reasons they abuse their sexuality and then expect us to stand by and tolerate being abused. Abuse comes in many different forms, some of it is so subtle that it creeps up on you and one day "BAM"!!!!! sometimes it is blatently obvious you run so fast you leave smoke trails! But abuse is abuse.

 

My theory is simple: if something is hurting you, look at what it is that that hurt feels like. Where does it hurt (in the heart, stomach, head?) find the source of the discomfort then do some homework and see what role it is we have in this feeling. Sometimes it is a old wound still healing. We are only responsible for our actions not that of others but we certainly do not need to stand by and allow someones actions to offend and disrespect us. We can move towards an understanding of why but understanding why is only the beginning. Sometimes we need to walk away from the abuse, whether it is intentional or not. Abuse is abuse.

 
December 12, 2006, 4:19 am CST

i am glad

posters are finding their way to this board. a very important tool for so many.

 

hope everyone has a beautiful wonderful day!

 
December 12, 2006, 5:46 am CST

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

I think what gets me is how trust takes a dump when you find your SO has been doing things behind your back. My kids dad (I *still* can't refer to him as my husband, ex...though technically I'm his widow) went through great pains to hide his porn use. Once I found the magazines underneath the carpet in the trunk of the car. I went to visit my sister out of state, and came home. Imagine my surprise when my 9yo son gets on the computer, and says "mama, what's 'bushy c#nts.com'?" I'm sure I wasn't out of the driveway before he turned the computer on. I sent him from the room, and checked it out. Then the ensuing argument over being lied to and misled AGAIN. I always wondered if he was lying about that, what else was he lying about? I know this isn't the case will all husbands, but *mine* was lying about plenty. My self esteem took a dump. I wondered every time he left the house what he was up to.

This kind of thing just HURTS. I was married to him for over 20 years. It took me a very long time to recover from being married to him. I was left a wreck. Made it hard for me to trust anyone again. I got so sick of being told "it's normal..ALL men look at porn, and if they say they don't..they're lying". It wasn't true, of course. Believe it or not, when I resumed my social life after 3 years of getting myself back in order, someone's porn use was a HUGE deal for me. If I met someone who engaged in that sort of behavior...they were out. OUT. I didn't even *consider* even dating them. And I found that not ALL men do look at porn. There are plenty out there who are only too happy to be with the woman they're with...and don't want to emotionally "check out" from the sexual side of the relationship.

This left a huge scar on me. And I'm not sure I'll *ever* understand why a man feels the need to look at the stuff. I'm beginning to wonder if it's a character flaw in otherwise very good men.

 

 
December 12, 2006, 6:45 am CST

there are a few good guys out there

Quote From: ricschic

I think what gets me is how trust takes a dump when you find your SO has been doing things behind your back. My kids dad (I *still* can't refer to him as my husband, ex...though technically I'm his widow) went through great pains to hide his porn use. Once I found the magazines underneath the carpet in the trunk of the car. I went to visit my sister out of state, and came home. Imagine my surprise when my 9yo son gets on the computer, and says "mama, what's 'bushy c#nts.com'?" I'm sure I wasn't out of the driveway before he turned the computer on. I sent him from the room, and checked it out. Then the ensuing argument over being lied to and misled AGAIN. I always wondered if he was lying about that, what else was he lying about? I know this isn't the case will all husbands, but *mine* was lying about plenty. My self esteem took a dump. I wondered every time he left the house what he was up to.

This kind of thing just HURTS. I was married to him for over 20 years. It took me a very long time to recover from being married to him. I was left a wreck. Made it hard for me to trust anyone again. I got so sick of being told "it's normal..ALL men look at porn, and if they say they don't..they're lying". It wasn't true, of course. Believe it or not, when I resumed my social life after 3 years of getting myself back in order, someone's porn use was a HUGE deal for me. If I met someone who engaged in that sort of behavior...they were out. OUT. I didn't even *consider* even dating them. And I found that not ALL men do look at porn. There are plenty out there who are only too happy to be with the woman they're with...and don't want to emotionally "check out" from the sexual side of the relationship.

This left a huge scar on me. And I'm not sure I'll *ever* understand why a man feels the need to look at the stuff. I'm beginning to wonder if it's a character flaw in otherwise very good men.

 

sometimes we must learn what we are doing to attack these guys who are addicted to this. Sometimes our "co-dependent' style are what leads us to them.

 

I promise not all men are going to bring porn into a marriage. For now.....get yourself some counseling and work on learning how to trust again. Don't let porn ruin your life. It wins when you do!

 

Welcome here and I hope you post again!

 
December 12, 2006, 6:48 am CST

hey moderators

two things.

 

1. could we put a link to this from the home page so that people learn this message board is here?

 

2. Could we do our best to keep this place free from the debate by deleting those who are looking to come here and debate? A gentle reminder from you and pointing them in the direction of the the other board may be neccessary from time to time.


Thanks!

 
December 12, 2006, 9:11 am CST

Hi Darcylove and everyone

Quote From: darcylove

it is figuritout!

 

wow the day is getting better by the minute!

 

how the heck are you?

Things are good here.  The kids are doing well and I am in counseling--getting more clear on things.  My main focus now is on toxic families, emotional abuse and narcissism.  I'm working on eating better, too.  I put off job-hunting for a while, but I will get back to it in January. 

 

Hey, this is off-topic, but I should talk to you (Darcylove) about cameras again.  I never did buy myself one, but I'm ready to now.  If you have any new ideas on which one to buy, please let me know.  

 

Well, you guys have fun talking today.  It's so peaceful  here :~)  I'll see you later.

 

Figuritout 

 
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