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Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Number of Replies: 4983
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Monday, December 11, 2006, 09:00:32 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the Pornography message board.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 12, 2006, 9:17 am CST

Hawaiiangirl...

Quote From: hawaiiangirl

Aim new to this website.but since aim been here it been a very big help.i got so much insight about what porn has done to me and to many people like me.it nice to find site where you can go and talk about how your feeling and people will understand. I live on a small island and you cant really talk to anyone there with out the whole island finding out.

 

Its hard when you are married and your other half is looking at porn, but when he is looking at  female body builders now that hurts. You see after i had my children it changed my body.I don't have the same body i had before the kids. I conforted him about it and he tells me that he doesn't really know.so i asked him if thats kind of woman he wants, he told me no. it just dont make any sense to me. he tell me that iam the only woman he wants but he cant stop looking i dont think he cant stop he just dont want to. It really hurt  so much that i don't want to have sex with him. Dont get me wrong i like having sex with him. Its just that i can't help feeling that its the other women he is thinking about. I  tried of  everything i can , I have even been losing the weight and trying to get my body back to the way it was just to make him want me . but  the question i have been asking my self is do i want  to be with him. Before i go i just wanted to say Thank you

 

Aloha

hawaiiangirl

I wanted to address something your brought up here, but have to keep it brief as I need to be out the door in about 6 minutes lol.  Anyway - you write about your husband and how the type of women he is looking at don't match your body type.  First - believe him when he tells you that isn't the kind of woman he wants.  One thing you should know is that for many men, what they look at and fantasize about especially do not represent what they want in their actual, real world sex life.  I can tell you that my husband looked at some stuff that he had ZERO interest in actually doing.  It is absolutely possible for someone to fantasize about a person or an act that they don't ever intend to carry out.  I don't know if that is true of your husband, but it is at least possible.  As for the type of women he is choosing looking like body builders - perhaps your husband has some fantasies about having a woman dominate him.  I have no idea of course, if that is true, but it is at least possible.  Even if it is true, chances are he wouldn't admit it, because he would feel embarrassed.  Men are generally not comfortable sharing that they even think about being submissive.  Again - this may not match your husband and the main point I want you to get is that just because he looks at women like that does NOT necessarily mean he wants you to.

 

One other quick thing and then I gotta roll.  As far as losing weight - if you feel uncomfortable at the size you are and want to become more healthy through diet and exercise, then by all means do it!  Then you will be making a change from strength.  However - don't do it just to "make him want me".  Then you will be operating out of fear.  I have more thoughts on that, but really have to go now. 

 

Take care and I hope you and everyone here is having a nice Tuesday!  :)  Roxy

 

P.S.  Plz excuse any typos - no time to proofread!

 
December 12, 2006, 9:20 am CST

off topic

Quote From: figuritout

Things are good here.  The kids are doing well and I am in counseling--getting more clear on things.  My main focus now is on toxic families, emotional abuse and narcissism.  I'm working on eating better, too.  I put off job-hunting for a while, but I will get back to it in January. 

 

Hey, this is off-topic, but I should talk to you (Darcylove) about cameras again.  I never did buy myself one, but I'm ready to now.  If you have any new ideas on which one to buy, please let me know.  

 

Well, you guys have fun talking today.  It's so peaceful  here :)  I'll see you later.

 

Figuritout 

like that never happens! LOL

 

If you are thinking about learning photography and want to go digital maybe look into the Nikon D50.

 

I am glad you are getting the help you need. I myself am doing some job  hunting. I saw a couple things in this weeks paper to apply to. Not exactly what I was hoping for but maybe it will get me by for a few months.

 
December 12, 2006, 9:22 am CST

glad to see

Quote From: roxy_belle

I wanted to address something your brought up here, but have to keep it brief as I need to be out the door in about 6 minutes lol.  Anyway - you write about your husband and how the type of women he is looking at don't match your body type.  First - believe him when he tells you that isn't the kind of woman he wants.  One thing you should know is that for many men, what they look at and fantasize about especially do not represent what they want in their actual, real world sex life.  I can tell you that my husband looked at some stuff that he had ZERO interest in actually doing.  It is absolutely possible for someone to fantasize about a person or an act that they don't ever intend to carry out.  I don't know if that is true of your husband, but it is at least possible.  As for the type of women he is choosing looking like body builders - perhaps your husband has some fantasies about having a woman dominate him.  I have no idea of course, if that is true, but it is at least possible.  Even if it is true, chances are he wouldn't admit it, because he would feel embarrassed.  Men are generally not comfortable sharing that they even think about being submissive.  Again - this may not match your husband and the main point I want you to get is that just because he looks at women like that does NOT necessarily mean he wants you to.

 

One other quick thing and then I gotta roll.  As far as losing weight - if you feel uncomfortable at the size you are and want to become more healthy through diet and exercise, then by all means do it!  Then you will be making a change from strength.  However - don't do it just to "make him want me".  Then you will be operating out of fear.  I have more thoughts on that, but really have to go now. 

 

Take care and I hope you and everyone here is having a nice Tuesday!  :)  Roxy

 

P.S.  Plz excuse any typos - no time to proofread!

some wonderful help taking place.

 

i  myself need to focus on exercising more. I feel like my butt is becoming part of the chair. LOL

 
December 12, 2006, 11:24 am CST

HI EVERY ONE!

wow this is a huge change ! thanks Dr Phil and moderators!!!

we needed this!

 
December 12, 2006, 11:27 am CST

KIMI, OH YIPEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote From: kimikomine

It is a new day and with it more opportunities to do what is right and in accordance to our self worth and success in this life. I am still a little surprised that this new board was created and even though the older board definately was wonderful most times, the morals between some of us were just way too different in this area of porn. I am greatful that we have a place now where those that are emotionally dragged down can find support and a helping hand.

 

I don't think we need to know why a person chooses to use porn but we need to know why and how they can continue it after they are made aware that it is damaging their marriages, families. In a loving and supportive relationship, each person should feel safe and connected to one another and even though it is human nature to lie to one anothe about some things, when it comes to intimacy (into-me-see) and it is not respected and valued, that relationship becomes damaged.

 

I honestly feel that sometimes we have to do things that we do not like to do in order to keep the peace and show respect and honor towards this person that is our partner. It does not mean we do things that are bad for our health, emotional or physical, but that we find compassion in loving them enough to try to understand why they do what they do, despite the consequences. It means going to a party that you don't want to go to; going to a hospital to visit and ailing parent; picking up their children at the bus stop when you would rather be at the gym; making a cup of coffee when you would rather stay in bed.

 

It does not mean standing by when they blame you for their lustful ways or their insatible sexual needs or addictions to porn or the zillion excuses for the reasons they abuse their sexuality and then expect us to stand by and tolerate being abused. Abuse comes in many different forms, some of it is so subtle that it creeps up on you and one day "BAM"!!!!! sometimes it is blatently obvious you run so fast you leave smoke trails! But abuse is abuse.

 

My theory is simple: if something is hurting you, look at what it is that that hurt feels like. Where does it hurt (in the heart, stomach, head?) find the source of the discomfort then do some homework and see what role it is we have in this feeling. Sometimes it is a old wound still healing. We are only responsible for our actions not that of others but we certainly do not need to stand by and allow someones actions to offend and disrespect us. We can move towards an understanding of why but understanding why is only the beginning. Sometimes we need to walk away from the abuse, whether it is intentional or not. Abuse is abuse.

i thought you were gone for good! boy am i glad to find you here!

you ok?

I miss you all so much

thanks for ebery ones support and help over the past year

your all great!

 
December 12, 2006, 11:52 am CST

Hi Joline. How are you?

Quote From: joline

i thought you were gone for good! boy am i glad to find you here!

you ok?

I miss you all so much

thanks for ebery ones support and help over the past year

your all great!

You know, when I wrote that last post, I was really at a crucial turning point in my life I think. I am really feeling quite fed up with the lack of willingness of my husbands ability to be mature enough to discuss his needs to me, other then knowing he likes his porn. So I am throwing in the towel at trying to figure out why he needs it, why he always needed it, and why he probably will always need it. It is not my job in this life to sort out someone else's problems (if he even sees as such) and I think that has been the biggest downfall all along. I have been trying to help our sex life by asking him to stop looking at porn thinking he might make an effort to have an intimate relationship with me and see where it goes but to him, porn use in his life is like day and nite, a part of life.

 

So, after 6 years, I have hit my  bottom with it all and that is why I figured I wouldn't need the board anymore. I am done trying to understand porn use.

 

Now, my goal is to pick myself up and find the woman that was before all of this. Happy. Content. Confident. Energetic. Fun to be around. My goal and hopefully it won't take 12 years to undo the damage that I endured emotinally from this, reclaim my sexuality. I thought I could go on without intimacy in my life when really what I need to do is accept that intimacy is not going to be a part of my marriage with my husband because he already has a lover....porn.........and accept that I do need intimacy in my life and when I am healthy emotionally again, I hope to find someone that I can share this with.

 

I am glad you found this board and I intend to offer my experiences as much as possible. Hopefully my words will encourage other women to reclaim thier needs to have love and respect and real intimacy in thier lives.....not sloppy seconds. Kimi

 
December 12, 2006, 11:55 am CST

My story

Hi everyone. I joined these boards because they seem to be the only place I could possibly find support and understanding. My husband and I are doing our best to put what happened behind us right now.... but I'm still so very hurt and confused by it all.  My husband is a porn addict and has been for many years. I used to let him watch porn and even enjoyed watching it with him since I figured it was what he wanted to do and it made him happy, I had no idea how bad his addiction really was though. I started to realize how fast the money in our joint bank account was dissapearing and I never knew where it was all going to, so I did a little research and found that he was paying for porn on the internet. He spent countless dollars on sites he barely even looked at, but was addicted to buying it. We couldn't afford to support his addiction and I knew it was now a problem. I asked him about it and we talked it over and I showed him I wasn't angry and I just wanted to help him, he promised he would never buy anymore from the internet.   We decided to move across the country and live with my parents until we could get back on our feet. We knew we couldn't stay where we lived because the jobs didn't pay enough to support a family and we had a baby on the way.  Once while living at my parents my mother had found porn in the mail, i knew who it was for but it had no name on it so she opened it, I had to convince her I had no idea where it came from or who would buy it.  Things slowly got a bit better and I had a beautiful baby girl, but still could not afford a place of our own.  A few months later I caught him in the act of buying more porn on the internet and we talked it out again and once again he promised to stop and I tried to do a bit more to help. We closed our bank accounts and got new ones for the second time, since internet porn is mostly billed reaccuringly and almost impossible to cancel. Then, things started getting a lot better. He found an excelent well paying job and then we finally moved into a place of our own. Things were doing very well. I've always had major depression my whole life and I ended up with very bad post partum depression after the baby. My husbands addiction had only uped my stress level and made my depression so much worse. Once things started getting better I was really trying to focus on controling my depression and I actually started becoming less stressed and a LOT happier. My depression seemed to be under control finally, when suddenly I started to realize we were always broke again. I knew something was wrong and I had a gut feeling I knew why the money was dissapearing.  I asked him very gently if he had had a relapse with the porn and he suddenly became very defensive and denied buying porn again and again (which showed me right away that he was lying to me) and then finally gave in and admitted to buying more.  I was so hurt and disapointed... but we talked it out and came up with a plan and he promised to get real help since I obviously wasn't helping enough. Then, just a few days later, he came home from work early and said he had been fired. He was caught watching porn at work and was fired on Halloween day.  My depression suddenly hit me full blown and I almost lost control over myself, putting myself on the verge of an overdose after a huge argument. I couldn't handle the stress anymore, I wanted to leave him. I was angry that he could do something like that to the family and yet I knew it was an addiction and I wanted to help him through it.  He begged me not to leave and he swore it would never in his life ever happen again. I saw how hurt he was by what he had done and I knew I had to make a decision.... leave him and the stress and depression behind me, or give him one last chance and do everything in my power to help and support the man I love when he needs me most.  Well... I've decided to stay, I love my husband very much and I'll fight to keep what I have no matter how much it hurts.  It's been two months since he lost his job, and we are both still looking for work.  I was a stay at home mom and now I'm desperatly trying to find work and wondering whats going to happen to us. As much as it seems past us I still worry that he'll do it again, can I really trust him this time?... after being lied to so many times it's so hard to have faith in him.  Will we be able to eat when the food runs out? Will we be kicked out of our rented house on New Years or will we find good jobs by then?... Will I -ever- get rid of my depression and just be happy with my life?... What have I done to deserve this?... All these questions fill my mind and bring tears to my eyes and pain to my sinking heart, everyday.  I love him so much and yet I'm still filling with anger and confusion and hurt towards him... there are SO many things I want to say but can't because I know they are only out of anger and they will only hurt him more.  I only want to help him, but putting the pain behind me is so hard. Will I ever get over this?  This month is my daughters first birthday and her first Christmas, so far I've cried everyday of this month... knowing we can't afford a first birthday party or gifts to put under the tree. PLEASE help me be able to find -some- kind of Christmas spirit, I really need it. Thank you.

<3

 
December 12, 2006, 11:59 am CST

Thank you

Quote From: roxy_belle

I wanted to address something your brought up here, but have to keep it brief as I need to be out the door in about 6 minutes lol.  Anyway - you write about your husband and how the type of women he is looking at don't match your body type.  First - believe him when he tells you that isn't the kind of woman he wants.  One thing you should know is that for many men, what they look at and fantasize about especially do not represent what they want in their actual, real world sex life.  I can tell you that my husband looked at some stuff that he had ZERO interest in actually doing.  It is absolutely possible for someone to fantasize about a person or an act that they don't ever intend to carry out.  I don't know if that is true of your husband, but it is at least possible.  As for the type of women he is choosing looking like body builders - perhaps your husband has some fantasies about having a woman dominate him.  I have no idea of course, if that is true, but it is at least possible.  Even if it is true, chances are he wouldn't admit it, because he would feel embarrassed.  Men are generally not comfortable sharing that they even think about being submissive.  Again - this may not match your husband and the main point I want you to get is that just because he looks at women like that does NOT necessarily mean he wants you to.

 

One other quick thing and then I gotta roll.  As far as losing weight - if you feel uncomfortable at the size you are and want to become more healthy through diet and exercise, then by all means do it!  Then you will be making a change from strength.  However - don't do it just to "make him want me".  Then you will be operating out of fear.  I have more thoughts on that, but really have to go now. 

 

Take care and I hope you and everyone here is having a nice Tuesday!  :)  Roxy

 

P.S.  Plz excuse any typos - no time to proofread!

Thank you Roxy.

 

 You gave me some good advice.You know  i wanted to lose the weight for him at first, but now that aim losing some weight aim starting to feel good about myself and i want to do it for me. You know after five kids i would know something about  men.lol..Thank you again for the advice  I hope that you have a good day.

 

I hope everyone is having a good day.

 

Aloha from Hawaii

Hawaiiangirl

 
December 12, 2006, 12:01 pm CST

Sorry

I'm sorry for such a long post. =S  It really felt good to finally be able to tell my story though, thank you if you read it.
 
December 12, 2006, 12:06 pm CST

wow!

Quote From: emeliz

Hi everyone. I joined these boards because they seem to be the only place I could possibly find support and understanding. My husband and I are doing our best to put what happened behind us right now.... but I'm still so very hurt and confused by it all.  My husband is a porn addict and has been for many years. I used to let him watch porn and even enjoyed watching it with him since I figured it was what he wanted to do and it made him happy, I had no idea how bad his addiction really was though. I started to realize how fast the money in our joint bank account was dissapearing and I never knew where it was all going to, so I did a little research and found that he was paying for porn on the internet. He spent countless dollars on sites he barely even looked at, but was addicted to buying it. We couldn't afford to support his addiction and I knew it was now a problem. I asked him about it and we talked it over and I showed him I wasn't angry and I just wanted to help him, he promised he would never buy anymore from the internet.   We decided to move across the country and live with my parents until we could get back on our feet. We knew we couldn't stay where we lived because the jobs didn't pay enough to support a family and we had a baby on the way.  Once while living at my parents my mother had found porn in the mail, i knew who it was for but it had no name on it so she opened it, I had to convince her I had no idea where it came from or who would buy it.  Things slowly got a bit better and I had a beautiful baby girl, but still could not afford a place of our own.  A few months later I caught him in the act of buying more porn on the internet and we talked it out again and once again he promised to stop and I tried to do a bit more to help. We closed our bank accounts and got new ones for the second time, since internet porn is mostly billed reaccuringly and almost impossible to cancel. Then, things started getting a lot better. He found an excelent well paying job and then we finally moved into a place of our own. Things were doing very well. I've always had major depression my whole life and I ended up with very bad post partum depression after the baby. My husbands addiction had only uped my stress level and made my depression so much worse. Once things started getting better I was really trying to focus on controling my depression and I actually started becoming less stressed and a LOT happier. My depression seemed to be under control finally, when suddenly I started to realize we were always broke again. I knew something was wrong and I had a gut feeling I knew why the money was dissapearing.  I asked him very gently if he had had a relapse with the porn and he suddenly became very defensive and denied buying porn again and again (which showed me right away that he was lying to me) and then finally gave in and admitted to buying more.  I was so hurt and disapointed... but we talked it out and came up with a plan and he promised to get real help since I obviously wasn't helping enough. Then, just a few days later, he came home from work early and said he had been fired. He was caught watching porn at work and was fired on Halloween day.  My depression suddenly hit me full blown and I almost lost control over myself, putting myself on the verge of an overdose after a huge argument. I couldn't handle the stress anymore, I wanted to leave him. I was angry that he could do something like that to the family and yet I knew it was an addiction and I wanted to help him through it.  He begged me not to leave and he swore it would never in his life ever happen again. I saw how hurt he was by what he had done and I knew I had to make a decision.... leave him and the stress and depression behind me, or give him one last chance and do everything in my power to help and support the man I love when he needs me most.  Well... I've decided to stay, I love my husband very much and I'll fight to keep what I have no matter how much it hurts.  It's been two months since he lost his job, and we are both still looking for work.  I was a stay at home mom and now I'm desperatly trying to find work and wondering whats going to happen to us. As much as it seems past us I still worry that he'll do it again, can I really trust him this time?... after being lied to so many times it's so hard to have faith in him.  Will we be able to eat when the food runs out? Will we be kicked out of our rented house on New Years or will we find good jobs by then?... Will I -ever- get rid of my depression and just be happy with my life?... What have I done to deserve this?... All these questions fill my mind and bring tears to my eyes and pain to my sinking heart, everyday.  I love him so much and yet I'm still filling with anger and confusion and hurt towards him... there are SO many things I want to say but can't because I know they are only out of anger and they will only hurt him more.  I only want to help him, but putting the pain behind me is so hard. Will I ever get over this?  This month is my daughters first birthday and her first Christmas, so far I've cried everyday of this month... knowing we can't afford a first birthday party or gifts to put under the tree. PLEASE help me be able to find -some- kind of Christmas spirit, I really need it. Thank you.

<3

i don't think I saw in any of this that the two of you are getting some professional help for his addiction. Addictions are difficult ...if not impossible to overcome without getting some help. Look into SAA (sexual addicts annymous) and COSA (codependents for sexual addicts). Both can be found online.

 

In the mean time please visit often as we now have a board that can provide all with support. It may also help to bring your husband here. Good luck!

 
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