Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

wow this is a huge change ! thanks Dr Phil and moderators!!!

we needed this!

I am new to this particular forum, though I post on other of Dr. Phil's boards. I've read for some time now with great interest the debate seemed to get going back and forth. I refrained from posting b/c frankly, I just didn't have the emotional energy to engage in a written "tit for tat" with a man desperate to prove his point and alter someone else's. It would seem that some people just don't get it. These days, if you're anti-porn, you're called "insecure" and "behind the times". I assure you it is because I HAVE self esteem that I'm anti-porn. These men are deluding themselves about what they're actually witnessing. It's all an ACT. It's PRETEND. And maybe that's just what they want...pretend sex. I have been through the whole porn thing with my ex...whom I was married to for over 20 years. I understand the pain of being lied to...and substitued. Porn IS a substitute...and if they don't think so, they're in denial about the whole thing. What better way for a man (or woman) to come home from a long hard day, and that night have a wonderfully emotional loving experience with the woman he professes to love? Then there are the times when it's time to "heat things up" a little. But we don't have to turn ourselves into porn stars to do so. I would think that the men who prefer (or need) porn have checked out emotionally from the relationship. They want it hot...they want it steamy...they want what they see. And yet they'd complain b/c their women are less than accommodating. Why should we be? We want them to be with US...no interference from an outside source. For many men, it becomes a full-blown addiction. I can't tell you the marriages I've seen to break up over just this sort of thing. You add the lies and deceit..and the hurt it causes. The lack of trust. How are you supposed to maintain a healthy loving relationship with those feelings involved? I don't think these message boards are the place for such a man. He needs outside intervention. He's not going to "get" what a woman who is against it is talking about, b/c he doesn't WANT to. I think men like that really don't *like* women underneath it all..and there's a lack of respect as well. One poster acted like it was all one sided...always for the woman...nothing for the man. I wanted to pose a hypothetical situation to him...but I didn't get the chance. If he were the jealous sort, and his wife loved innocent, harmless flirting...yet it caused him considerable pain, isn't that along the same lines? HE would be asking her to stop doing something that *she* loved to do. Because it caused him PAIN. I just don't think these men understand the true amount of pain that this causes to the women. It has NOTHING to do with esteem issues.

My marriage didn't break up b/c of porn...but it did break up. I'm not with a man who does not look at porn. I know...some men would say "sure, he doesn't". But he doesn't. He helped me to understand the emotional side of the sexual relationship..and the difference when heating things up is called for. He truly "gets" it. For that, I am lucky. For those of you still suffering through this with your husbands/SO's, I hope that you will realize that is NOT about you. No matter what someone would try to make you think it is...b/c you don't initiate sex often enough, dress in naughty nighties, etc. These men are just depersonalizing a very personal act. And the women involved in it.

I apologize for the lengthy post. I've waited too long to express my thoughts on this, I suppose. And to Darcy..I remember the chastising you took for using italics for quoting someone. The poster had not only grammatical, but spelling errors as well. Methinks he thinks just a little TOO highly of himself. I too, wouldn't want to be his wife. I don't think he could handle it.

i don't think I saw in any of this that the two of you are getting some professional help for his addiction. Addictions are difficult ...if not impossible to overcome without getting some help. Look into SAA (sexual addicts annymous) and COSA (codependents for sexual addicts). Both can be found online.

In the mean time please visit often as we now have a board that can provide all with support. It may also help to bring your husband here. Good luck!

I have begged him many times to get professional help and he's agreed to it but says he can't do that until we have the money to do so... to me it seems a bit like he just doesn't want to.  He has joined support forums for ex porn addicts per my request, because I wanted him to at least have someone he could talk to seeing as it seems he doesn't want to talk to me about it. I've tried everything possibly to try to get him to talk to me about it more but he feels like he can't come to me for support because of how much he's hurt us. I just don't want him to feel as alone in the situation as I do but he's pushing me and all his friends away now.  He does however, know that I can't keep putting up with the hurt and I made it very clear that if he ever puts the family in a position like this again I have no choice but to do whats best for us and take our daughter and leave. 

Thank you for the welcome, i appreciate it very much!

may find helpful is reading Dr Patrick Carnes books on Sexual addition. There are several out there.

In the mean time....I know there are support groups that he could join that do not cost. SAA would be a good start. This site may also help him understand that he (and you) are not alone.

Good luck!

Hi everyone. I joined these boards because they seem to be the only place I could possibly find support and understanding. My husband and I are doing our best to put what happened behind us right now.... but I'm still so very hurt and confused by it all.  My husband is a porn addict and has been for many years. I used to let him watch porn and even enjoyed watching it with him since I figured it was what he wanted to do and it made him happy, I had no idea how bad his addiction really was though. I started to realize how fast the money in our joint bank account was dissapearing and I never knew where it was all going to, so I did a little research and found that he was paying for porn on the internet. He spent countless dollars on sites he barely even looked at, but was addicted to buying it. We couldn't afford to support his addiction and I knew it was now a problem. I asked him about it and we talked it over and I showed him I wasn't angry and I just wanted to help him, he promised he would never buy anymore from the internet.   We decided to move across the country and live with my parents until we could get back on our feet. We knew we couldn't stay where we lived because the jobs didn't pay enough to support a family and we had a baby on the way.  Once while living at my parents my mother had found porn in the mail, i knew who it was for but it had no name on it so she opened it, I had to convince her I had no idea where it came from or who would buy it.  Things slowly got a bit better and I had a beautiful baby girl, but still could not afford a place of our own.  A few months later I caught him in the act of buying more porn on the internet and we talked it out again and once again he promised to stop and I tried to do a bit more to help. We closed our bank accounts and got new ones for the second time, since internet porn is mostly billed reaccuringly and almost impossible to cancel. Then, things started getting a lot better. He found an excelent well paying job and then we finally moved into a place of our own. Things were doing very well. I've always had major depression my whole life and I ended up with very bad post partum depression after the baby. My husbands addiction had only uped my stress level and made my depression so much worse. Once things started getting better I was really trying to focus on controling my depression and I actually started becoming less stressed and a LOT happier. My depression seemed to be under control finally, when suddenly I started to realize we were always broke again. I knew something was wrong and I had a gut feeling I knew why the money was dissapearing.  I asked him very gently if he had had a relapse with the porn and he suddenly became very defensive and denied buying porn again and again (which showed me right away that he was lying to me) and then finally gave in and admitted to buying more.  I was so hurt and disapointed... but we talked it out and came up with a plan and he promised to get real help since I obviously wasn't helping enough. Then, just a few days later, he came home from work early and said he had been fired. He was caught watching porn at work and was fired on Halloween day.  My depression suddenly hit me full blown and I almost lost control over myself, putting myself on the verge of an overdose after a huge argument. I couldn't handle the stress anymore, I wanted to leave him. I was angry that he could do something like that to the family and yet I knew it was an addiction and I wanted to help him through it.  He begged me not to leave and he swore it would never in his life ever happen again. I saw how hurt he was by what he had done and I knew I had to make a decision.... leave him and the stress and depression behind me, or give him one last chance and do everything in my power to help and support the man I love when he needs me most.  Well... I've decided to stay, I love my husband very much and I'll fight to keep what I have no matter how much it hurts.  It's been two months since he lost his job, and we are both still looking for work.  I was a stay at home mom and now I'm desperatly trying to find work and wondering whats going to happen to us. As much as it seems past us I still worry that he'll do it again, can I really trust him this time?... after being lied to so many times it's so hard to have faith in him.  Will we be able to eat when the food runs out? Will we be kicked out of our rented house on New Years or will we find good jobs by then?... Will I -ever- get rid of my depression and just be happy with my life?... What have I done to deserve this?... All these questions fill my mind and bring tears to my eyes and pain to my sinking heart, everyday.  I love him so much and yet I'm still filling with anger and confusion and hurt towards him... there are SO many things I want to say but can't because I know they are only out of anger and they will only hurt him more.  I only want to help him, but putting the pain behind me is so hard. Will I ever get over this?  This month is my daughters first birthday and her first Christmas, so far I've cried everyday of this month... knowing we can't afford a first birthday party or gifts to put under the tree. PLEASE help me be able to find -some- kind of Christmas spirit, I really need it. Thank you.

<3

Thank you for the recomendation. His main problem is that he thinks watching porn is fine just so long as he doesn't -buy- it... but the more he watches the more he wants and I'm afraid he'll turn to buying it again even though he has enough to support hundreds of addicts.  He thinks he doesn't need help so long as he doesn't buy porn.

I was just looking into SAA and I think it would help him if I could get him to join. Thanx.

Hi everyone. I joined these boards because they seem to be the only place I could possibly find support and understanding. My husband and I are doing our best to put what happened behind us right now.... but I'm still so very hurt and confused by it all.  My husband is a porn addict and has been for many years. I used to let him watch porn and even enjoyed watching it with him since I figured it was what he wanted to do and it made him happy, I had no idea how bad his addiction really was though. I started to realize how fast the money in our joint bank account was dissapearing and I never knew where it was all going to, so I did a little research and found that he was paying for porn on the internet. He spent countless dollars on sites he barely even looked at, but was addicted to buying it. We couldn't afford to support his addiction and I knew it was now a problem. I asked him about it and we talked it over and I showed him I wasn't angry and I just wanted to help him, he promised he would never buy anymore from the internet.   We decided to move across the country and live with my parents until we could get back on our feet. We knew we couldn't stay where we lived because the jobs didn't pay enough to support a family and we had a baby on the way.  Once while living at my parents my mother had found porn in the mail, i knew who it was for but it had no name on it so she opened it, I had to convince her I had no idea where it came from or who would buy it.  Things slowly got a bit better and I had a beautiful baby girl, but still could not afford a place of our own.  A few months later I caught him in the act of buying more porn on the internet and we talked it out again and once again he promised to stop and I tried to do a bit more to help. We closed our bank accounts and got new ones for the second time, since internet porn is mostly billed reaccuringly and almost impossible to cancel. Then, things started getting a lot better. He found an excelent well paying job and then we finally moved into a place of our own. Things were doing very well. I've always had major depression my whole life and I ended up with very bad post partum depression after the baby. My husbands addiction had only uped my stress level and made my depression so much worse. Once things started getting better I was really trying to focus on controling my depression and I actually started becoming less stressed and a LOT happier. My depression seemed to be under control finally, when suddenly I started to realize we were always broke again. I knew something was wrong and I had a gut feeling I knew why the money was dissapearing.  I asked him very gently if he had had a relapse with the porn and he suddenly became very defensive and denied buying porn again and again (which showed me right away that he was lying to me) and then finally gave in and admitted to buying more.  I was so hurt and disapointed... but we talked it out and came up with a plan and he promised to get real help since I obviously wasn't helping enough. Then, just a few days later, he came home from work early and said he had been fired. He was caught watching porn at work and was fired on Halloween day.  My depression suddenly hit me full blown and I almost lost control over myself, putting myself on the verge of an overdose after a huge argument. I couldn't handle the stress anymore, I wanted to leave him. I was angry that he could do something like that to the family and yet I knew it was an addiction and I wanted to help him through it.  He begged me not to leave and he swore it would never in his life ever happen again. I saw how hurt he was by what he had done and I knew I had to make a decision.... leave him and the stress and depression behind me, or give him one last chance and do everything in my power to help and support the man I love when he needs me most.  Well... I've decided to stay, I love my husband very much and I'll fight to keep what I have no matter how much it hurts.  It's been two months since he lost his job, and we are both still looking for work.  I was a stay at home mom and now I'm desperatly trying to find work and wondering whats going to happen to us. As much as it seems past us I still worry that he'll do it again, can I really trust him this time?... after being lied to so many times it's so hard to have faith in him.  Will we be able to eat when the food runs out? Will we be kicked out of our rented house on New Years or will we find good jobs by then?... Will I -ever- get rid of my depression and just be happy with my life?... What have I done to deserve this?... All these questions fill my mind and bring tears to my eyes and pain to my sinking heart, everyday.  I love him so much and yet I'm still filling with anger and confusion and hurt towards him... there are SO many things I want to say but can't because I know they are only out of anger and they will only hurt him more.  I only want to help him, but putting the pain behind me is so hard. Will I ever get over this?  This month is my daughters first birthday and her first Christmas, so far I've cried everyday of this month... knowing we can't afford a first birthday party or gifts to put under the tree. PLEASE help me be able to find -some- kind of Christmas spirit, I really need it. Thank you.

<3

I have been married for 6 years and for 6 years my husband has looked at porn and for 6 years he tells me its nothing; all guys do it; don't worry its not about you; yet 6 years later I am on the verge of getting a divorce, we haven't had sex in 6 months and I am finding out that even though some guys look at porn, they would prefer not to have to and the reason they do is because they are not getting their visual needs met with the person they are with. They may not be physically having sex with other women, but they are visually more turned on to porn then their women and little by little, admit they are losing their interest in their wives/girlfriends.

Porn use is not a simple matter and it is not to be treated lightly. Your husband is justifying his behavior by saying as long as he does not buy it......if its free then its ok....but if you think about that......so is going out and meeting a stranger that is also sexually promiscious. Two wrongs do not make a right and he is trying to make "free porn" right.

You have a child together and that child deserves to have a mom and a dad but this child does not need to have a mom that is depressed and a dad that is a sexual addict.

my soon-2-be husband looks at porn now, but doesnt do all the things your husband does !! if todd EVER did anything like what your husband does, i'd give him ONE chance to straighten up. if he didnt, then i'd be sooo OUT the door. your husband is very lucky to have a wife like you who is cool and is giving him every possible chance to be the guy God wants him to be !

pray for Jesus to guide your husband in the right direction. i know you probaby think prayer won't help, but it WILL . trust me, i know ! then after you do that, you'll have to just wait and see what your husband does from there. if you can, ask him if you can be in charge of the finances and for YOU to hold on to the credit card for awhile til he can deal with his porn issues.  if he says no, then you just gotta sit tight and see what happens. but umm, if this goes on much longer and he causes you wayy too much pain, you might have to seperate from him for a while- not only to spare you the anguish of all this, but so he can FEEL what it feels like NOT having you in his life. if he loves you at all and wants you as his wife for life, then he WILL straighten up !! im sure he's not doing this to intentionally hurt you. maybe its something he's had his hole life and hasnt had to deal with it til now.

God bless you, your lil baby AND your husband .  and come here anytime you wanna talk or just vent, k ? there are sum awesome people in here who had / have experence with all this and can really help you deal with the sucky part of this porn thing !  take care

ps: NO baby should go without a 1st b-day party!!  if you really need help with that, all of us in this room can get together and pitch in sum $$$ so your lil baby can have the b-day she deserves!! i know i will and if i'm the only one who does pitch in, i'll do my best to send you whatever i can with the sucky job that i have lol.....God bless you !