Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

about what sex addiction specialists call "Co-addiction".  It's not the easiest thing in the world to understand or articulate, but the basic idea is that an addict in a family actually causes other members of the family to be drawn into the addiction in some way, shape, form, or fashion.  To be more specific, spouses of the addict, in some cases, tend to obsess about their husband/wife's addiction, in effect, becoming addicted to their spouse's addiction (I told you it wasn't easy to understand or articulate :)).

Some women become enraged, lashing out verbally or physically at their sex-addicted (or alcoholic or drug addicted) spouse, making matters worse.  Some women become obsessed with "checking up" on their husbands, checking the history files on the computer, searching their homes/cars/offices for 'contraband', checking their underwear in the clothes hamper, etc. etc. etc.  It becomes an obsession that these women are powerless to, and hence, they are co-addicted.

Another example of co-addiction would be sheltering or enabling the addict, and it could take many forms.  Lying for him, covering up for his behavior, denying his behavior, making excuses for him, and on and on and on.

Communication is the first step towards exposing the reality of the problem and taking the turn down the road of recovery.  Demand rigorous honesty.

I think I've already mentioned this to you in the past, but instead of seeking the opinions of people who have no understanding of addiction, and who have obviously not studied addiction in any way, shape, or form, in shaping your own opinion on the subject, please do yourself a favor and read some literature on the subject that has been written by psychologists who have studied sexual addiction for years and years.  There are MANY such books at your local bookstore, or can be ordered discreetly from Amazon or Borders online.

To scoff at the implications of early childhood development and it's affect on the developing mind is to ignore decades of documented evidence on the subject.

Another word for 'Addiction' is 'POWERLESSNESS', which you would know had you read any literature on the subject.  It sounds nice and good and probably makes you feel more comfortable to think that everyone simply has the POWER to change their compulsive behavior patterns, but facts show that exactly the OPPOSITE is true of addict;  THEY ARE POWERLESS TO THEIR ACTING OUT BEHAVIORS, HENCE THEY ARE ADDICTED TO THEM!!!

In fact, one of the hardest things in the world for addicts to realize and accept, and one of the most important parts of recovery from addiction, is realizing that WE DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THESE BEHAVIORS ON OUR OWN!  We are powerless to these behaviors, and hence, we are addicted to them.  One of the biggest mistakes an addict can make, and nearly ALL OF US (addicts, that is) HAVE MADE THIS MISTAKE, is to think that we alone can handle our problems, that we can 'beat' our addiction, that we have the power to change.  The simple fact of the matter is, we don't.  Unless and until an addict realizes this, they will remain an addict, pure and simple.

I'm not posting this to castigate you or to insult you in any way.  I used to think the way that you think, back when I was engrossed in my full-blown sex addiction.  I thought addiction was a myth, an excuse for self-destructive behavior.  I thought that people who were addicts were just weak-minded, pathetic, wastes of life.  At the time, I didn't even realize that I WAS AN ADDICT!  Boy was I wrong!

Please, if you're truly interested in learning the realities of porn and sex addiction, or addiction in general, PLEASE go buy "Don't Call It Love" or ANY other literature on the subject.  I think it will open your eyes.

I just wanted to say Thank you... yes indeed I did feel like I was completely over reacting to my husbands visual needs, especially compared to some of the other posts.  My self esteem is so low right now and I just can't seem to get it back with the continual stimulation that I see he needs on a daily basis and when I say daily its for a couple of hours looking on the WWE site

at the barely clothed girls, then on to say You Tube to see the clips people have posted and if

anyones seen them they can get quite racey, then on to Curves sites.... and so on.  I've blocked his favorite porn sites, the reason...  he promised he wouldn't do it anymore if it makes me feel bad, so he's not on those but probably not by his choice.  He did see a therapist in the past  but quit that as he really see's no harm in the sites that he is currantly on.  Although reading the other posts regarding why someone is addicted to porn follows true in regards to his relationship with his father.  I guess I just feel that he really doesn't desire me...  I am the one who initiates our intimacy.  Like I said,  I'm no prude and I'd really

like it more often than I'm getting it and try to dress sexy for him, but he never comes to me for it.  If I didn't start it... it would never happen.   I'm only 5'3" and 117 lbs with a very athletic build so its not that he can't look at me! 

I just feel that he happier looking at other woman and if he does "put out" he' not really thinking of me, he's with someone else.... my mind starts wandering that if someone approaches him

that visually excites him.. is that the next step?  Infidelity??  Because I obviously don't make him

happy!  I'm to the point where I don't know what to say anymore, I feel I either have to accept this

and be unhappy or move on... I really believe in marriage but when someone continues to hurt

you over and over again and has promised not to do these things that hurt me... and then tries to

hide them by deleting it all from the computer.  This is not a healthy relationship.  One thing that

I do want to add...  maybe its wrong of me but I've downloaded "Spector Pro" a monitoring system on my computer, so I know where he's been and how often he's been there and its out of hand!   thank you again jljs53.  It is nice to have somewhere to go and speak about the way

I'm really feeling.

Hello all, I am new to the boards. This is my first time posting as a matter of fact. But after reading everything on here, it helps to know someone else out there has same feelings and understands some of the things I am feeling right now. I read in one of the postings where someone said, if it was someone else, she would tell them to leave the relationship, but when its you in the relationship it seems to be more difficult to follow such good advice.That rang very true in my circumstances. My husband and I have been together almost 18 yrs, married for soon to be 15. He is a good husband in most aspects, well tempered, works hard and he is has always been a great father to my daugher who is from a previous marriage. But a few years ago I found out my husband was a internet porn addict. At first I didnt think too much about it, men being men and all. But then I came across a bunch of commuications between him and a woman he had been online chatting with, she was very serious. To the point she was ready to leave her husband and come and move in and have a happily ever after relationship with 'my' husband. She claimed she didnt realize he was married, that we were seperated. Either way I confronted him, he said he never meant it to go so far. And he ended it, swore never happen again, etc. Well, a few other times since we have had problems over his addiction to looking at porn, because one usually runs to the other as far as I am concerned.  Each time, he has asked for forgiveness, says he loves me, accepts he needs help..etc..

Well, now here we are and I have found he is doing it again. I get that tight sick feeling in my stomach, you know, where you know something is not right. So I looked into his computer. He has been on porn sites, porn message boards, etc. I am more than sure there has been emails between he and someone else, just dont know to what extent.

I just cant keep living like this, I am so lonely. Miserable. Self esteem is shot to hell. You see, a few years ago I worked full time as a loan officer, had a great career, nice car, nice home, made more money than he did. I was on top of the world personally. Then I had a car accident, and since I have been disabled. I am looking at some major surgeries, medications have cause some of my teeth to basically fall apart, I am diabetic, high blood pressure, and heart problems plus the accident issues. I have gained weight due to not being as active as I once was. So with all of this combined, my self esteem is not very high anyways, and now with the fact my husband who I love dearly has chosen to spend his time and energy on porn and other fantasy women, is just too much. We have no sex life, and its not even the sex I miss so much as it is the intimacy. I do not feel loved and no one should have to feel that way. I just don't know what to do at this point. Its hard to walk away from 18 yrs with someone and its become even harder to stay. Its like if I stay, I am allowing myself to be treated this way. I know considering some of your sitiations my seems rather mild, he is not abusive, nor does he even drink or do drugs or gamble. But as many of you know, when you are the one in the particular situation, then its major.

I always thought we would grow old together, that we would always be there for support and to have each other to lean on. Now, I just don't know. I dont think he can change at this point, so that means I either have to accept things the way they are or I need to make a change.

Its a shame that something orginally concieved to make life better, such as the internet revolution has turned many of our lives into such a living hell.

Hi kimi

I know you won't read this for awhile but my thoughts and prayers go out to you.     jljs