Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

I think I've already mentioned this to you in the past, but instead of seeking the opinions of people who have no understanding of addiction, and who have obviously not studied addiction in any way, shape, or form, in shaping your own opinion on the subject, please do yourself a favor and read some literature on the subject that has been written by psychologists who have studied sexual addiction for years and years.  There are MANY such books at your local bookstore, or can be ordered discreetly from Amazon or Borders online.

To scoff at the implications of early childhood development and it's affect on the developing mind is to ignore decades of documented evidence on the subject.

Another word for 'Addiction' is 'POWERLESSNESS', which you would know had you read any literature on the subject.  It sounds nice and good and probably makes you feel more comfortable to think that everyone simply has the POWER to change their compulsive behavior patterns, but facts show that exactly the OPPOSITE is true of addict;  THEY ARE POWERLESS TO THEIR ACTING OUT BEHAVIORS, HENCE THEY ARE ADDICTED TO THEM!!!

In fact, one of the hardest things in the world for addicts to realize and accept, and one of the most important parts of recovery from addiction, is realizing that WE DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THESE BEHAVIORS ON OUR OWN!  We are powerless to these behaviors, and hence, we are addicted to them.  One of the biggest mistakes an addict can make, and nearly ALL OF US (addicts, that is) HAVE MADE THIS MISTAKE, is to think that we alone can handle our problems, that we can 'beat' our addiction, that we have the power to change.  The simple fact of the matter is, we don't.  Unless and until an addict realizes this, they will remain an addict, pure and simple.

I'm not posting this to castigate you or to insult you in any way.  I used to think the way that you think, back when I was engrossed in my full-blown sex addiction.  I thought addiction was a myth, an excuse for self-destructive behavior.  I thought that people who were addicts were just weak-minded, pathetic, wastes of life.  At the time, I didn't even realize that I WAS AN ADDICT!  Boy was I wrong!

Please, if you're truly interested in learning the realities of porn and sex addiction, or addiction in general, PLEASE go buy "Don't Call It Love" or ANY other literature on the subject.  I think it will open your eyes.

Hi all.  I have some checking in to do.

I've frequented message boards pretty much since Al Gore invented the internet, and I'm realizing that this particular board needs to be approached in a much different way than some of the others that I frequent (College Football message boards, etc).  I've recognized as recently as my last post that I tend to preach and post retorts a little too often, so I'm going to work on that. 

As for my recovery from sex addiction, I really feel like I am getting to a good place in my own skin.  I have not been perfect, as I have slipped here and there over the past year, but my slips have been nothing compared to the scope of my original acting out behaviors.  For the record, a slip, for me, includes viewing any kind of pornography, coupled with masturbation.

I have rededicated myself to my weekly SLAA group, going every Tuesday night and being completely open and honest in all that I share there. 

I made a promise to my wife that if I do have a slip in the future, I will tell her.  I made that promise in hopes that I simply will never slip again, because it's NOT going to be easy to tell her if it happens.

Based on the advice of my sex-addiction therapist, I have been getting up early every morning, reading sex-addiction literature, telling God about any urges/desires/cravings that are unhealthy for me, noting any rationalizations for those urges/desires/cravings, also noting the emotions or feelings that I am feeling every morning, humbly asking God to help me to understand His will for me and asking God to help me to submit to His will, and I finish it all up with anywhere from 5-15 minutes of focused breathing and meditation.

I can tell you that the urges/desires/cravings are diminishing.  I can tell when I've missed a day of my new morning ritual, because my mind tends to slip back to old thought patterns.  I know that I'll probably have to continue this morning practice for the rest of my life, and I'm fine with that.  It has been so good for me.

My wife continues to attend therapy for herself, and I have noticed very positive changes in her since making that commitment.  We plan to attend couples counseling in the near term, and I'm excited about that opportunity, as well.

Anyway, that's a quick snapshot of where my life is at this moment.  Shout out to all those sufferring from this addiction and their loved ones who suffer as well, those who realize it and those who don't.

Dee,

I do apprecaite your candor, your words of advice as a woman who has been hurt by this and just plain listening.  We have gone out on a date however it has been probably a month since.  I was thinking of taking her out Friday night for dinner, just us and spend some time together.  I do try to hold her hand, rub her leg, give her a hug.  She has never been, since we first met, a very openly affectionate person.  She admits that much during our counseling sessions.  I am (as a man that is hard for most women to comprehend) the more openly affectionate person.  I give her flowers every now and then.  I will give her a note or a card.  I don't tell her I love her everyday all the time.  Like this morning before work I went to get breakfast and brought some home for her and the kids (they are off for spring break, i have to work, darn AF).  I didn't do it with strings attached or looking for anything in return.  I did it because I wanted to and I was hungry too :) 

In the past, in our early years of marriage (we got married at 20 almost 21yrs old, she was also in the AF active duty).  I was so inmature that I didn't know any different.  If she did give me a hug or kiss I would then automatically think sex, I would never just want to do that, it always had to lead to sex.  Again though the seed of my sex addiction had been planted a long time ago.  Even in our early years of marriage I would go to adult bookstores, rent movies, buy mags, masturbate all the time.  I didn't think there was anything wrong with it because that's all I knew.  I have said this before here, for women to understand why men do this and why it takes longer for some to recover and for some it doesn't take that long etc, you need to look at the ROOT  which means it most of the time, not all the time, but most of the time it comes back to the man's father and his relationship with him and mom too however it is the man' s father that really sets up for who as a young boy and young man what you will be when you become a man.

I believe this because of going to my Tuesday night mens group and talking and hearing men every week describe how they were raised and what they suffered and the most common denominator is their father.

I talked with our counselor yesterday and I told her and she really helped me get down to the root of all of my fear and anxiety about my wife going to CA.  The root of the fear and anxiety is not being wanted or loved.  I told my wife that what I have been trying to convey to her is that I wasn't looking for total validation or affirmation from her, I said that getting that wouldn't hurt it is nice to get that, however all I was wanting is for her to understand, truly how I felt about her going out there.  I wanted to know if she had an empathy for me.  Well she said she didn't have any empathy for me because she said that she had to deal with the same thing for 14yrs.  That she would catch me, I would promise not to do it again and then 6mos later or so bam, she would catch me again.  Now, the EA in Korea was part of my addiction because for me I have never loved any other woman but my wife and I have told her that.  I have never told any other woman that I love them.  For me it was all about my addiction and pretty much just sex. 

I asked my wife if she felt she was trying or wanting me to suffer or if she felt she wanted to punish me for what my addiction did and to feel how she felt and she said, no. 

I guess I just need to start really focusing on myself.  Try not to take on all the responsibility, because like our counselor said I don't nor does anyone have that much power.  I feel like because of the guilt and shame from my addiction and what it has taken from me that I don't want to fail as a dad, I don't want it to be my fault that our marriage doesn't work and then my kids hate me for what I did and because of what my addiction did to my wife.  But like our counselor said that is her responsibility and not mine. 

I have to start to really believing that I am okay, a good person, worthy, wanted and lovable.  It will just take time, counselor, working on myself and of course help from Jesus our Lord our God.

Greg

I'm so sorry that you had the automobile accident and that it left you disabled and feeling low about yourself. Is your husband sympathetic to your new physical situation? He should be helping you to feel good about yourself and making you feel loved and cared for. What he did regarding having actual personal communication with another woman and planning to meet her was WRONG! The fact that you forgave him and gave him several chances afterwards shows me that your forgiveness didn't mean anything to him because of the evidence you found that he keeps on doing it over and over again. To give you a little background on me, I'm a webcam performer and have been since last summer to put myself through college and also to help some of my family members who are nearly destitute. I plan on quitting webcamming for good this summer. I don't (we are not allowed to) have personal communications with the clients and only perform for them via a webcam. I read some of the things that the men type to me and alot of them say that they are being deprived of sexual intimacy and affection from their wives.

While I believe most of them are being truthful, I also know that some of them aren't - and that their wives are the ones who are being deprived of sexual intimacy and affection. You would fall under this category. You are a wife who has done nothing wrong throughout the marriage and he still used porn and chatted with other women. Then you had the accident and he still continues to behave in this manner. That should tell you that this man does NOT love you, doesn't respect you and certainly doesn't care about you. When you say he is not abusive, I would beg to differ. He is emotionally and spiritually abusing you, which to me is even worse than physical abuse/domestic violence. After 18 years of marriage, I can see why you're having a hard time walking away from him and your marriage - plus, you're now disabled, which doesn't exactly give you the freedom you once had. I feel very bad for you and don't know what to say to you other than just stay strong, keep on living your life within your marriage and try to tune out what he is doing (using porn).  Hopefully you have family and/or friends who could help you move out and be on your own in the near future (if you really do want to divorce him).  Good luck and post here often because there are alot of people who have been (and are still currently going) through what you are and they have alot of good advice to give should you ever need it.

Ever since being on these boards, I now know the 'other side' of this porn equation. I now know how many good wives there really are out there but yet their husbands still disrespect them anyway by using porn and/or webcamming services. Some of these men can be really convincing in the way they talk about their lonely, sexless marriages. For some reason, your post really affected me. And it made me sad. I hope you find a way out of your situation, as I think your husband will probably never change his attitude about porn or about using it habitually despite your disapproval of it. Again, stay strong and persevere...your light at the end of the tunnel will hopefully come soon for you.

I agree with your post 100%. I posted to her a few days ago trying to make her understand that sexual addiction is not only real, but it is actually affecting millions of men and women in this country. But I have the feeling because of her personal experiences and because she hasn't really researched sexual addiction or sexual compulsive disorders, that she will never truly believe it or accept it as a fact. I'm glad you posted this to her. Maybe the more she reads of how much of a reality sexual addiction really is, the more she will begin to believe it exists.

I have a question. You said in your post that you told your husband calmly that you won't ever leave him for using porn, but that each time you discover that he is still using it, a part of your love and respect for him dies and when that's gone, the marriage would be over. What will you do if he never ever stops? I'm asking because I know how insidious sexual addiction can be and how for some, it is a lifelong condition. If he never stops and all of your love and respect for him is eventually eroded, will you still remain in a loveless marriage while he continues to use porn? You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. It's just the question that popped into my mind when I read your post.

about what sex addiction specialists call "Co-addiction".  It's not the easiest thing in the world to understand or articulate, but the basic idea is that an addict in a family actually causes other members of the family to be drawn into the addiction in some way, shape, form, or fashion.  To be more specific, spouses of the addict, in some cases, tend to obsess about their husband/wife's addiction, in effect, becoming addicted to their spouse's addiction (I told you it wasn't easy to understand or articulate :^)).

Some women become enraged, lashing out verbally or physically at their sex-addicted (or alcoholic or drug addicted) spouse, making matters worse.  Some women become obsessed with "checking up" on their husbands, checking the history files on the computer, searching their homes/cars/offices for 'contraband', checking their underwear in the clothes hamper, etc. etc. etc.  It becomes an obsession that these women are powerless to, and hence, they are co-addicted.

Another example of co-addiction would be sheltering or enabling the addict, and it could take many forms.  Lying for him, covering up for his behavior, denying his behavior, making excuses for him, and on and on and on.

Communication is the first step towards exposing the reality of the problem and taking the turn down the road of recovery.  Demand rigorous honesty.

It is the first post I made here.

THERE"S A PLACE FOR US! is the title.

US! those of us who have been hurt by porn...let's make sure we keep this board as it was intended for! PLEASE!