Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

I am new to this particular forum, though I post on other of Dr. Phil's boards. I've read for some time now with great interest the debate seemed to get going back and forth. I refrained from posting b/c frankly, I just didn't have the emotional energy to engage in a written "tit for tat" with a man desperate to prove his point and alter someone else's. It would seem that some people just don't get it. These days, if you're anti-porn, you're called "insecure" and "behind the times". I assure you it is because I HAVE self esteem that I'm anti-porn. These men are deluding themselves about what they're actually witnessing. It's all an ACT. It's PRETEND. And maybe that's just what they want...pretend sex. I have been through the whole porn thing with my ex...whom I was married to for over 20 years. I understand the pain of being lied to...and substitued. Porn IS a substitute...and if they don't think so, they're in denial about the whole thing. What better way for a man (or woman) to come home from a long hard day, and that night have a wonderfully emotional loving experience with the woman he professes to love? Then there are the times when it's time to "heat things up" a little. But we don't have to turn ourselves into porn stars to do so. I would think that the men who prefer (or need) porn have checked out emotionally from the relationship. They want it hot...they want it steamy...they want what they see. And yet they'd complain b/c their women are less than accommodating. Why should we be? We want them to be with US...no interference from an outside source. For many men, it becomes a full-blown addiction. I can't tell you the marriages I've seen to break up over just this sort of thing. You add the lies and deceit..and the hurt it causes. The lack of trust. How are you supposed to maintain a healthy loving relationship with those feelings involved? I don't think these message boards are the place for such a man. He needs outside intervention. He's not going to "get" what a woman who is against it is talking about, b/c he doesn't WANT to. I think men like that really don't *like* women underneath it all..and there's a lack of respect as well. One poster acted like it was all one sided...always for the woman...nothing for the man. I wanted to pose a hypothetical situation to him...but I didn't get the chance. If he were the jealous sort, and his wife loved innocent, harmless flirting...yet it caused him considerable pain, isn't that along the same lines? HE would be asking her to stop doing something that *she* loved to do. Because it caused him PAIN. I just don't think these men understand the true amount of pain that this causes to the women. It has NOTHING to do with esteem issues.

My marriage didn't break up b/c of porn...but it did break up. I'm not with a man who does not look at porn. I know...some men would say "sure, he doesn't". But he doesn't. He helped me to understand the emotional side of the sexual relationship..and the difference when heating things up is called for. He truly "gets" it. For that, I am lucky. For those of you still suffering through this with your husbands/SO's, I hope that you will realize that is NOT about you. No matter what someone would try to make you think it is...b/c you don't initiate sex often enough, dress in naughty nighties, etc. These men are just depersonalizing a very personal act. And the women involved in it.

I apologize for the lengthy post. I've waited too long to express my thoughts on this, I suppose. And to Darcy..I remember the chastising you took for using italics for quoting someone. The poster had not only grammatical, but spelling errors as well. Methinks he thinks just a little TOO highly of himself. I too, wouldn't want to be his wife. I don't think he could handle it.

I left for a few days to a schooling seminar. Upon returning, a month later, when I received my cable bill there were many porn shows that my man ordered. After a few lies, I pointed out the action he took and he agreed it was him. I had a long discussion with him about our feelings on the subject. After the discussion we agreed to not order without each others knowledge and if he wanted to watch then let me be there too. Well since he is a shy guy, that ended the problem. He felt uncomfortable watching with me. I also explained that if he needed or wanted adventure or felt he needed more sexuality to address me not a TV. Every since then our sex life has been amazing and he knows my feelings now. I think it is important to address the issue no matter how uncomfortable it is and be an adult about the problem. If you can not solve the problem then seek professional help. I do not agree with porn but I made a deal with my man that made both of us happy. Finding common ground in a relationship is the goal. If he enjoys then find common ground to a solution. If he enjoys it ask him why and respond with openness not anger. You would be surprised at the answers you get from being calm and open to the discussion. If you yell or show anger, then you will never understand the reasoning of the situation. Do not judge but help each other solve the problem by understanding the bottom line. Find common ground and move on from there.

Hi

Thanks for posting and sorry for your heartache and loss. Porn addiction is like a poison. It destroys a lot of relationships. Unfortunately until we find ourselves in this situation most of us don't even know that porn can be an addiction and so damaging. The addict is no different from any other addict. He will lie and do whatever he has to, to protect his addiction. Porn addiction which is part of sexual addiction is an escalating sickness and acting out sexually -prostitutes etc is a later stage. Don't feel like a fool, the addict is very good at lying, hiding and concealing his addiction. I think as mothers and women we have to make sure our daughters are aware of the dangers in porn. It is not just a guy thing, and not everyone does it - typical excuses. If many of us had been educated on the severe dangers of porn we might not have married the person we did. Porn is an assault to human dignity. Altho porn may have a time or place in some people"s lives it has no place in mine nor will it ever. I hope things turn out for you and by saying you are done do you mean divorce? If you do then you will be free of the pain, heartache, lying, betrayal, cheating etc. You will be free.

As an added thought I hope you have seen a doctor and been checked for std's.

take care    jljs

I don't know if this is the right place for this post, but here goes...

Me and Hubby have been married for 15 years. It started out rough, like most young people's do,but things seemed to smooth out over the years.

Well, as of late last year, Hubby has decided that he is a Master in the BDSM lifestyle. So, he asks me to be his slave. I thought, sure, why not...kinds spice things up a bit. It was horrible!!!! I couldn't do anything with out his permission!!! So after 2 weeks of this, I practically begged to be let go as his slave, which he had no problem releasing me from my slavery.

He has "slaves" online (about 2 now) that he communicates with all the time. Several hours online everyday and over the phone while he is at work. They are online only...as far as I know.

Things between us have been kinda rocky since this BDSM thing came into play. Today was a real heart breaker, tho. We were in the process of having sex, when he went limp and said he couldn't continue. I thought nothing of it at all really until we were talking afterward. He then told me, After I continued to pester himabout what was wrong, that he no longer finds me physically attractive. He still loves me very deeply, but that is it. He doesn't wish to venture outside the marriage to have sex. He says that is just wrong.

Has our sexless marriage got a chance ? Could our love be the mature kind that transends sex and the physical?

BTW< we are both extremely over weight amd have high blood pressure and I have Lupus.....

Thanks for any advice or help ya'll may offer......