Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

When I first met my husband I knew he had porn tapes and occasionally we would watch them together. A few years had gone by and watching them together dwindled and he finally gave them away. However several weeks ago while he was working he had stopped by an adult store, one of the head people of the company he works for saw his rig there. Later that evening his boss called him, he went and hid in the bathroom, which was odd behavior so I went and stood by the door to listen. When he came out of the bathroom he didn't say anything so after an hour I finally said something. He got suspended a day with no pay and told if he does it again he will be out of a job. Last weekend as I was walking through our office at home he was looking at porn on the computer and I came unglued! I told him that my kids get on this computer (it's the only one we have) and more often then not porn sites download viruses onto the computer. He tried telling me that one of the boys had looked it up and he just wanted to see what was on there. However that turned out not to be the case, he was using the boys as scape goats for his disgusting behavior. Our sex life lately has gone to the way side. What used to be almost every night has now become once a week or once every two weeks, he's been deleting things off his phone, tells me he'll go to lunch and then calls 5 minutes prior to our lunch date to cancel blaming someone at work or a customer as to why he's over an hour late or running behind. I have a sneaking suspicion that he's either going to strip clubs, adult stores or worse having an affair. I've come close to hiring a private detective but have chickened out. He's been distant, the only time there's any loving touches or kisses is to put on a show in front of his friends. Today I had enough and turned away when he wanted to "put on a show". I'm the type of person that if you're going to treat me a certain way it should happen wether anyone else is standing in the room or not. He makes lite of how I feel and I'm to the point of talking to an attorney. He recently attended a family members funeral out of state and both my kids and I have noticed a change in him. I don't know if he had an affair while there or what is going on, I can't get a straight answer from him. My one son is due to graduate this up and coming school year and my other graduates shortly after. I keep saying to myself, "hold on just a couple more years then once the youngest graduates, get the hell out!" But it's not fair to myself or my kids to see the kind of tension that has been going on for just about a year. The straw that broke the camels back is all the sneaking around as if I'm not in the same room to see it. You could say I'm confused as to what to really do. I do love my husband but I'm beginning to really dislike him and his actions.

as there use to be a jeanine here a long time ago.....

Greg,

First of all....... congratulations on your sobriety.  That is amazing especially in this porn infested world.  Would you mind telling me how you did it?  Did you have a support system?  How have you managed to not give into that temptation?  How are you not going crazy?

My husband has had this addiction for our whole marriage.....5 years.  I should have run screaming when I found out, but I thought love would overcome anything.  I'm drowning so fast in this though and it's looking like this will never change.  Can you tell me why guys do this?  Is it because he doesn't love me or I'm too fat or ugly??  I don't understand it at all.  He is a WONDERFUL husband in EVERY other aspect........well, other than he cheats on me with porn!!    If that statement even makes any sense!  Any pointers that you could tell me about how to NOT run screaming, please would you drop me a line?  I admire the way you have turned "it" around.  Again congrats.

I have read a lot of the messages on the board as it pertains to porn addiction.  Just wondering if this is a place I can freely discuss the issues of the addiction that I have or if this is for the spouses and families of those who are addicted to porn.  Don't want to offend anyone for put messages on a board that is not meant for me.

 

Thanks,

J

For some reason I wasn't able to see the current postings until I posted the last message.  The latest posting I saw was from 2005.  Don't why that was, but this is really new to me.  I have not posted messages on any boards before.  Now I see that there are people posting who struggle or have struggled with addiction to porn.  I will now read some of those postings.

J

I did not respond to you out of not wanting to, it was just a matter of time.  To answer your question, I really don't know how long I will wait.  I don't have the answer.  For me, only Chirst our Lord knows.  Now I am not saying that because I am a religous zealot, I am saved and I consider myself a Christian and it is what I believe. 

 

Yes, I do feel at times that she may be sticking it to me however she has told me that is not the case.  She has said that she just isn't ready.  Honestly I am not her nor a woman and I have not been hurt by someone due to a sex addiction and porn so I don't know.  I just have to believe her.

 

I will tell you that as I continue to go to counseling and work on myself I feel like I am approaching (don't know when) a decision at which I will need to know and what to know what she wants and needs from me. 

 

I say this not to be selfish ( I was attacked from all angles on the no porn board by several women because they said that I was acting like a dry drunk, angry, selfish and that I should endure 14yrs like what I did to my wife)....if I was actually acting like that and being like that then my counselor and others would tell me and so because they don't and haven't I am not.

 

Can I ask you on how your attitude has changed towards porn and how it effects marriages and relationships and what changed it? 

 

Take care and meanwhile back at the ranch,

 

Greg

 

 

If you don't know how long you'll wait for her to come around, how can you plan for the rest of your life, or for anything for that matter? I have to say to you that I don't believe in god (not yet anyway - my aunt is trying to convince me otherwise) but rather, I believe in myself and that other people should also believe in themselves and in their abilities to carry out their belief system or their values whether the person they're with agrees with that or not.

 

She told you that's not the case (sticking it to you) because she knows better. She knows if she tells you that, then that might hinder the progress you're making (or it might hinder her excuse to go out and do whatever she wants to do). She says she "isn't ready"? Umm, just how long is it going to take before she's "ready"? And have you asked her this yet? If you have and she hasn't given you a satisfactory answer, then maybe it's time that she did. Because I mean, you're a guy. You need and want sex. Women do too, but guys do even more so (in MY opinion). No matter how long you've made her suffer with this porn issue, you're now making amends - which is more than what she's doing. If she's going to make you wait an eternity before being intimate with you or before stepping up to the plate and joining you in your recovery process, then this is something you should know NOW, while you're still young enough to make plans with the rest of your life (um, I don't really know how "young" you are...I'm guessing you're in your forties or something). And for the record...you don't have to believe her. She could be lying or stringing you along because of how you hurt her with your porn use. Just a word up.

 

You're no where near acting like a "dry drunk" (who told you that?). If anything, you're being honorable, honest, forthright and sincere in your desire to quit using porn forever and trying to understand this porn issue from her side of things. Most guys (from what I've read on here) wouldn't and haven't even gone a quarter of the way that YOU have with this. I think you're a good guy that realized his sexual urges might've taken a wrong turn somewhere. And you're doing everything you can to rectify that and to rectify your marriage. Too bad she isn't doing the same. And her being "hurt" by what you did is NO excuse for her to keep on prolonging this and keep prolonging your suffering and going without affection and sex. That's just a bunch of crap. And she knows it. She's just seeing how long you'll put up with it and how long you'll go with her torturing you before you snap.

 

Well...what changed my attitude towards porn hurting women is that one night I actually put myself in their shoes. I actually sat there and thought about if I had a bf and he did all the things I read that other women's husbands do with porn...and when I did that, I was like um, I DON'T THINK SO. I almost felt their hurt and felt inadequate and not enough sexually. I never did that before until I came to this board. I still think guys have the right to use porn as much as they want - as long as they're NOT in a committed relationship or marriage. If they're single, they can use it until they puke. BUT, if it's hurting their gf or wife, then they should either stop using it (not that hard to do really IF they love their spouse or gf) or STAY SINGLE forever. If they stay single forever, then they can drown in porn and not hurt anyone else but themselves and their minds.

 

You live at a ranch? Cool. I bet the scenery in the morning is awesome. Look. I didn't like you when I first started posting here, because I thought you were full of crap. But...knowing what I know now, I see that you're really true blue and really trying to restore your marriage and your wife's trust in you. It's too bad she's past the point of forgiving you and doesn't want to (or can't) see what it is you're now doing to rectify things.

 

 

what is his reason for not going to counseling with you? have you put all  the cards on the table when it has come to going to counseling?

 

and what are they telling you at counseling? what is their suggestion to moving forward?

 

 

I think Karen is on to something

 

To open youself back up again to the possiblity to be hurt over and over is very hard to do. There was a time when I was exactly where she was. I didn't care what promises were made to me or how long he showed me he was porn free. First I didn't trust he was porn free but just better at hiding it. Second....having showed me many failed attempts and promises that were broken.....I didn't have anything to go on that he was going to be successful this time. I also did not want to be married to a porn addict. That was too  much. I didn't feel equipped to handle it.

 

I drug myself to counseling. I didn't want to be there. It was everything i had to sit there and listen to some guy tell me that we needed to work on this together when it seemed I was the only one who was working on it to begin with. It was his turn.

 

I am not saying that you must endure this but what I am saying is your wife may not be able at this time to move on. She is stuck in the "but what if it happens again" stage. ...and how long she stays there is up in the air. I myself needed to hear that life does not come with any promises. And that I needed to just live in today and not worry about the tomorrows. If he was going to fail again....then it would show its ugly hand in it's own time. For now...he is porn free and we can be okay. I live in this moment. Attempting to put the pain behind me. That is not easy to do and for some it may be impossible.

Dear Kimi, It's good to read your expressions of anger. Anger is a natural emotion that everyone has the capacity to feel. It's natural to feel anger about your mom's death; it's healthy and part of the grieving process. Anger is also a natural emotion to feel about the way your husband talks to you and for the lack of respect and honor in your marriage. All of those things are justifiable reasons for being angry. But, what are you going to do with that anger? There are 2 ways to deal with anger: one way is destructive, unhealthy and consuming; the other way is constructive and beneficial to  you. Anger that is turned inward and suppressed leads to depression, so that's destructive and unhealthy. Anger is not wrong, even God gets angry (Exodus 15:7, 22:24...) deal with anger in an honest way. When it's not handled wisely it has negative effects on our life, emotionally, relationally, spiritually and physically.  Frame it - step back and calm yourself, count to 10, take a walk or a ride in the car. Claim it - admit you're upset, don't deny your anger. Tame it - it's your choice to either do something destructive or to deal with it constructively and in a way that is beneficial to YOU. You can't change your past but you can change your future.  I wish I could give you a big ole hug and tell you it's going to be okay. Karen

I am not angry with her, I am just frustrated and I want to go one way or the other.  She may be to damage from the addiction, however she hasn't even begun to do any real work for herself.  She doesn't go to counseling anymore and she makes excuses to not go to couples. 

 

Yes, I agree that she was codependent of me in my addiction and yes that along with our kids proably did hold her hostage.  I guess what I meant was that I never made threats to her or anything like that, that if she left, etc, etc....

 

Greg