Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

IMO, your H was completely out of line. No one has a right or the privilage to film another person durring sex without their permission and/or knowledge. I'd bet it's illegal, too!

And your mother was wrong, dear. You trust your spirit on this one. It felt wrong because it was wrong.

WRT your child, I totally understand. My H has been very bad about letting me be the "bad guy" because he knows I will step up & do the right thing even if it means leaving.

Hi. I am so happy that he gave you something that had meaning for him and for you. You must remember you are both on separate journeys through this life, only you are walking them together. Sometimes you will feel like you are side by side, sometimes you will feel like you are leading, sometimes you will feel like you are following along. this is the cycle of life.

It is not written anywhere in stone that if a person hurts us, even if unintentionally, we need to forgive or forget, but it is written in stone, the stone that covers our hearts, that says, we can forgive and forget once or twice, but after a while, the hurt becomes abuse. There is a fine line between what is a careless hurt and one that is done without regret, remorse or conscience. YOur husband is displaying signs of remorse, regret and confession. I wish you the strenght to pass through those dark times when you can't push aside those thoughts, and the courage to know that that real love happens, after we have experienced the relationship in all its possible scenerios, even hate. Love comes from hate. Hate comes from loving too much. I wish you peace and happiness and may 2008 bring you and your husband closer to your truths. Kimi 

You are correct.  I feel violated.  Of course the first person to respond to this sounded like my H.  I almost ran screaming from the computer!!  But thank goodness I checked again and found out that some people don't think I am crazy for being so angry and hurt.  I made it through Christmas without causing a scene.  I will make it through this ridiculously rough patch that I am in.  I will cry ALOT and eventually I will be ok.  Thanks for the responses; I don't feel so alone today. 

I sincerely hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas day, Thanks again.

And our feelings and emotions are deep rooted, created in our impressionable minds when we were young and vulnerable. Sometimes it is easy to see when our childhood schemas are in full force and when we are working out of the present reality. Sometimes we need to be gently nudged back to reality and questioning our feelings on issues are what keep us either moving forward or staying back and accepting someone's reality as our own. I know that sounds confusing. And it is. And it isn't -chuckle.

Your husband was/is living in his reality or his childhood schema;l and doing what he wanted. He was not conscious of how you might feel because he did not/does not step into your reality. He does not live for you. Yet, in these circumstaces, we are told or we believe we should hide our needs in the moment and accept things that are not ours. Don't you see that his blatent ability to do this is mirroring something right back at you , for whatever reason, only you can sort it out, about how you feel about sex and intimacy? My husbands use of porn wasn't the issue or the lesson, but more a chance for me to see how I react or not react to a present situation. My decision to stay married to him was very wrong and as soon as we know something is not right, what makes us question it so much????  You see, what I am trying to get at is there are great lessons for him and you in this if you are willing to tap into the areas that have been protected and yet preventing happiness and love from entering in. If you are angry, it is because you want to be angry. If we are depressed, it is because we want to be depressed. We can choose how we are going to live our lives but running and hiding from our emotions, feelings is never going to work. When we are hurt and angry it is because we are voilated and something about us is being threatened. Our impression,self hate, comes in full swing when we take someone elses baggage our own; so we can choose to carry it or let it down.

I believe the baby steps that lead us to our greatest fears, and facing them, is the source of freedom. When our thoughts are based in fears, of course we will have problems, static and that is the opportunity to work through the muck or run from it; only it chases you forever. It is your problem and it is not interested in anyone else. I say, face the fact that you were violated but unharmed physically, thankfully. And  pray for love and compassion and empathy for you, first, then focus it on him as well.

Good can come from good.

I have never been to this site before now, but I've also never known about my boyfriend's membership to a live sex cam  website before now.  Ive known him for 3 1/2 years and have never known that he was interested in replacing me with other girls.  We're very serious and he's expressed to me that he intends on doing his best to be with me forever, but I guess I'm not the only woman he wants. 

I chose to reply to this posting because I know exactly how you feel in being so hurt that you don't want to have sex with your husband.  I also know how it feels to not have anyone to talk to.  My boyfriend and I just moved from the east coast to the west coast a month ago, so there's no one close by I feel comfortable talking to about this matter.  Anyway, this is what happened...

A few hours ago I was upstairs in our room.  My boyfriend came in and was being very sweet... rubbing my back, kissing me, blah blah.  When I wouldn't immediately have sex with him, he left the room and didn't return.  Long story short, after being curious as to what he was doing, I found out that he came downstairs, got on to his pc, and logged on to myfreepaysite.com-- which means he was watching live chic porn.  They're not even just pics.  They're live women working to make him happy without me.  He doesn't seem that type.  He was brought up very respectfully and I in no way had any idea he needed anyone more than me.  He has a membership, so apparently he uses this site frequently.  We do have sex on a regular basis, but if he gets impatient (though I didn't know he was impatient until I found the porn site) after 5 minutes of not being able to convince me to get into the mood, how about never?!  This was very hurtful.  I know he wouldn't want me to be looking at naked men, but I don't know how to approach him about it.  I have definitely been mature to his face after today's discovery, but I do feel silly and, because I'm so hurt right now, I feel I never want to be with him again.  I'm not getting rid of him, but I don't understand why he needs other women to satisfy him just because I wasn't ready exactly when he was.  I haven't talked to him about it yet, but while he's in bed right now, I'm choosing to stay downstairs on the couch tonight.  So I know he knows something is wrong.  We love each other, but it hurts that he needs more than me. 

I left my husband of 7 years. He looked at porn from the beginning, in the middle and at the end. He looked at it before he knew me; I am sure he looked at most of his life. I believe a lot of men and women have and do look at porn as a sexual outlet for release and fantasy and possible ideas that may be of curiousity to them. I really don't think porn is the problem; the problem lies on the person that uses it as a sexual substitute and one that uses it as the only sexual option. With live cam and phone sex, hookers and strip clubs, this takes porn one step further from sexual release to close proximity to actual having sex. Once a live person is attached to the other end of the fantasy, it is no longer a fantasy, but is stretched out to perversions, fetishes, hidden guilts, fears and whatever else you can attach to the desperation that one must feel to go to these sources.

And the worst part about it, good women and good men are getting so messed up with this all the time, every day, in all parts of the world. Women have gained power over their sexuality and it is no longer a mans world, at least not in the sexual area; I think  a lot of our frustrations come from knowing that even though we can't tell someone what they should do, not do, like, not like, we need to keep the focus on what we should do, not do, what we like, don't like, because as soon as you start making yourselves the reason he looks at porn, the further you are away from the truth. He looks at porn, goes to live cam sex sites, strip clubs, hookers, because HE CAN!

These are all choices. Its like smoking. Someone can offer you a cigarette, but if you are trying to stop, its up to you to say no. The fact that my husband looks at porn is not a good reason to have a cigarette, it is my choice, it is prompted by anger at my husband and rebellousness on my part, but ultimately, it is a choice. No one makes anyone do anything. At least I hope not.

When you feel hurt, you feel hurt not because he looks at other women, but because he doesnt look at you. When you know he goes to porn if you turn him away, or if you are not home, or if he had a bad day, or if he had a good day, when he goes to porn he is turning away from you, he doesn't need you, and he has a certain power over you now. When we do not feel needed in our relationships, it cheapens it. You feel cheap. You feel like sex to him is nothing more then a manipulation to get his rocks off, to cement the relationship, as a right. When he goes to porn or other girls he is in fact saying you are replacable. Of course he does not compare or desire these other girls. Why????? Because he knows there is no way in hell he would ever get within 10 miles of one of these wanting to have sex with him!! At least not for free.....

So, who is being hurt by the simplicty of porn? No one and everyone. Its not that people that go to porn need porn more then you. He needs porn AS MUCH as he needs you. this is a difficult concept for a lot of women to understand and it is a topic that these men just don't want to discuss.

I hope he is not playing you. Sorry.

D

He's your boyfriend? Dump him and don't look back.

D