Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

lol..yeah....it doesn't really apply to me cuz I'm in a relationship with a female. And why would a straight man want to watch 2 men having sex? That would bother him on SO many other levels.

 

Also, I feel that the whole being invaded on and being compared to are feelings of inadequacy. Its the exact same thing. If a woman feels like she's being compared to someone, especially a "flawless" porn star, she may feel inadequate or that they have something she doesn't.

Why would a straight man want to watch 2 men have sex? I would think the same reason why a straight woman would want to watch two women. Just because you are looking at two guys having sex and you are a man, doesn't make you homosexual....it just makes you open to exploring other sexual fantasies. A straight woman can watch two women and get turned on, it has nothing to do with her being a homosexual.

 

Why does it bother men to watch two men having sex? I'll never be able to figure that one out.

 

I agree totally with the feeling inadequate and being uncomfortable with our lovers being turned on to other people. I think it also has something to do with wanting to safeguard the one person that we care about and don't want to muddy the water with doubts about how one another feels.

 

When a guy looks at two flawless men having awsome sex, enjoying it, etc. I am sure he may feel somewhat challenged, especially if he is not so well endowed, or sculpted, or beautiful looking. I doubt a confident man would have problems watching two gorgous guys doing it. I think a man is insecure when he can't look at guys having sex. I think it is more that he probably is sexually turned on, and just don't want to admit it.  :):):)

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. He is my first relationship after a verbally abusive 19 year marriage to my high school sweetheart. It took me years before I allowed myself to care about another man and to trust someone with my heart. I had a lot of personal work to do on myself...and still do. My boyfriend and I have both had difficult pasts and are very emotionally supportive of each other. Other than the issue I'm writing about, we have a really great relationship and I want to believe I can trust him.
His career is in computers, and he spends a lot of  time on one. He enjoys online porn, and I really don't have a problem with it except when it comes before everything else. He has subscribed to many porn websites. He saves the pictures and videos on his hard drive. Because so many of these websites are of real girls who have their email addresses posted so you can contact them, I have told him that looking at pictures and videos is one thing, but contacting them to have an online relationship is going too far. He feels that because it's anonymous, it's just a playful game and isn't cheating. He even thinks that if you have a webcam and want to have cyber-sex with someone who is live online, it isn't really cheating because you're not actually touching them. I have found a couple of emails that he accidentally left on our computer where he has written to a couple different girls telling them how hot they are and asking them if they would meet up with him to have sex. He told them that he loves me, but he really wants to be inside them, and that if they couldn't meet up with him maybe they could email him some naked pictures of themselves. I felt very hurt and betrayed, and when I confronted him he told me that sending the emails was just part of the moment of feeling turned on. He knew they wouldn't contact him to meet him but he was hoping they might send him pictures. He said it was part of the fantasy. I told him that I have a hard time believing that if they did contact him to have sex, that he would turn it down,especially if we were in an argument or something. It's asking for trouble and I think if you have a good relationship you should protect it. Have any of you experienced these same problems? Would you trust your man that is doing these things and believes this way? Since then he has refused to talk about the subject and has made his computer password protected. I'm sure he thinks what I don't know, won't hurt me. He has given me permission to do the same thing if it turns me on, but I never would, because I would feel disloyal and I would rather work on a real relationship.
I haven't been able to trust him since...and it has caused me to feel sexually inhibited and to dread sex. I promised myself that I would be alone before I would ever be in another emotionally damaging relationship. I would appreciate your advice! :)

I don't know about men not wanting to watch other men having sex because they feel insecure. To most men its just disgusing. And the difference between men and women doing it is that there's more of a stigma attached to a man than a woman. A woman can say Angelina Jolie is pretty without being called a lesbian. However if a man says Brad Pitt is cute, he's gay. It may not be right to have this double standard, but that's just how it is. Of course that doesn't make him gay that he wants to watch 2 men. Yeah looking at women is definitely sexy. Just being with my girlfriend sexually is sexy to me. So I can see the appeal of porn, I just don't want that fantasy to become a reality. Its still just sex

I would run not WALK from this a**hole faster then a rabbit being chased by a lion, He is a cheat and a sneak. My guy looks at porn, the last time I found a site on our cp was 3 weeks ago. I have not even talk to him since. I have been going through the porn thing for 33 years and I am sick to death of it, As for sex I think he (my guy) would rather beat his meat then have a real sexual relationship because he is selfish and is thinking only of himself. I can not even beleive you are here asking for advice. You know the answers. If he is asking for sex from other women that is because he wants sex from other women. Wake up smell the coffee, He is emotionally killing you. GET OUT WHILE THE GETTING IS GOOD. Only my advice

Beverley7

hi northern sky

I don't think he is trustworthy. However you know him and I only know what you have written here. I do think he has gone way over the line of being considered a casual porn user. I think you feel that too or you would not be on a board like this.

I just don't think his actions are condusive to a happy, honest loving relationship. Lusting after other women is not part of being committed to you or the relationship. Any sexual energy and time he spends on his porn women is taking away from you. Being hurt and betrayed is very normal and understandable. This kind of behaviour absolutely kills trust. If you have told him you are hurt and he continues it shows no respect or love on his part. You have every right to ask that there be no porn in your relationship. This is your relationship too. It is cheating you and cheating on you.  There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Secrecy is hiding his porn actions from you. Relationships do not thrive on secrecy and broken trust. Porn thrives on secrecy. He is even contacting women by e-mail. Asking for naked pics? How does this fit in with what you want and need from him and a relationship? If this continues it will damage you and the relationship. Decide what you want and need and let him know. For me - my husband had to choose between porn and marriage. I could not and would not live with that crap in my marriage or my home.  You have to decide what works for you. The porn and fantasy does not work in relationships - it destroys. I too felt like I would rather be alone than emotionally hurting. My husband quit porning. Maybe read up on porn and porn addiction to learn what you may be dealing with. Trust your heart and your instincts and don't settle. Good luck and keep posting, reading and learning.

take care   jljs

 

 

You have already received some excellent input and answers to your query about whether your boyfriend is trustworthy.  So I will be succinct - IMO no he is not.  Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.  Sorry to quote the Doc there, but there is huge truth in that little statement.

 

My best advice - ask him if y'all can talk about boundaries re. porn etc - tell him you will be open-minded.  Then be so.  If you find you cannot come to agree on boundaries you are comfortable with, then perhaps this relationship is not going to work out.  I hope it will.  You have alot of time invested, 5 years.  But IMO if y'all cannot come to an agreement you are both happy with on this topic, perhaps it is time to end the relationship.  This is clearly a crucial issue to you and I understand why it is.  Lack of trust is a killer.  I know, I have been there.

 

Sending you best wishes hun, truly.   Roxy

I said I have been there.  I just realized I should elaborate a lil bit - forgetting that I shared my story 2 yrs ago.  My husband promised not to use porn, said he understood why that was unacceptable to me,  then he did so anyway.  I eventually found out.  Long story short - things got very ugly for a while, until I found this board.  I chose forgiveness and he chose to be transparent about everything.  He recommitted himself to the boundaries we had agreed on before marriage, and has kept to them ever since.

 

I talked about how lack of trust is a killer - and I know it can be.  I chose to give my husband 99% trust back - but he knows and understands why he will never again have 100%.  IMO getting through this kind of thing requires an open mind and willingness to discuss, on both parts, what has happened and why, as well as an ability to let go of the hurts from the past by the party who feels betrayed and a willingness to be an 'open book' by the 'betrayer'.  IMO if either is missing, the relationship is eventually, or immediately, going to become toxic to both.  I hope that won't be the case for you. 

The fact that he's feeling embarrassed that you actually have some place to vent these feelings about something "he thinks" is "normal" for him....but this forum seems ab-normal. LOL.  How ironic!!!  What he doesn't want to face is this porn thing which is supposedly no one knows who you are while in his mind he can mess with anyone but you...but for you to be able to talk openly, somehow he feels someone will actually "know you" and that he's now "found out".

 

Believe it or not, most guys don't walk around telling their buddies how often or how many times they are messing with this stuff.  Wonder why???  Don't you???   I mean if this is sooooo flippen great and nothing wrong with it, then why not talk openly about it?  What's up with that?   Why hide it?  If everyone is so related that this is the thing to do....then why shouldn't he be thrilled that you also have somewhere to go and talk about this especially if you have issues (supposedly it's YOU, not him of course) with pornography.

 

Fact is.....he's not a proud person about doing any of this.   It's not like (most) guys pull out the computer and start mb'ing with porn right there in front of their wives.    Most of the time, this is secretive.....and yet, explain this "humiliation" they feel once confronted or if you want to discuss this.  What is so darn personal about using porn....?  Why so private?  Because it deals with sex??? hum....for some reason most would say it has nothing to do with personal "feelings" about this and women should just adjust their own feelings in order to be able to just accept this as a part of marriage or any kind of relationship.

 

Tell him to just accept that you will and are going to fully explore and seek advice and help from what ever means neccessary, and if he doesn't like it, get used to it because "everyone does it these days".

 

Insecure....that's what his problem is.

 

Luv~!

Hey Luv....I shouted out a hello to you a couple weeks back but you disappeared (again). How the heck are you? Me good....hubby good. BTW...my oldest graduated this passed weekend. I can't believe it has been four years already.

 

D