Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

If I missed you, so very sorry.   I don't keep up.  Which really is a "thing" you have to do with this board , or any other board.  Other wise you loose track.   Anyways, I am sorry.   I am not here very often and never will be unless I have extra time to give to this.      This is a full time job, with working and a hubby, or family, I don't see how anyone can keep up with this stuff.  I  sure can't.   Maybe I don't type fast enough.....who knows.  

Anyway, I am perfectly, so totally happy and in love.   Which is good....NO great!!!.      I have just recently spent two weeks away for training to work at home.   WOW.....that was crazy but good.   when I got home, (this weekend) my husband was mad with missing our life, our love.  

That's what I want for others.....something similar, something that matters after a lengthly time of being "us".   That is what we ALL deserve.!    Something special, something that matters to BOTH of us.    I am wayyyyyy waaaayyyy tooooo great to want for anything when it comes to marriage.!!!!    I want all women to have this....to share this.....to give this...especially to our daughters.    

I am fine.  How are you? 

Luv~

I am so glad you are in a good place and you are loving your work. I wondered for awhile if you fell off the planet or something...LOL

I can't seem to keep up here too much myself. The kids are keeping me hopping...especially our youngest at this point. Add to that I think there will be a wedding in the next year or so to plan for with our oldest. She is home now that she is graduated and in a few weeks our second will be moving out because she is working at an amusement park for the summer. She is so excited. So for the next few weeks I have all three to myself again .....which I am sure will make things hetic but it is a good hetic.

I attempt at times to come back here and write or debate at the other site but it is always the same and it grows old. maybe that is why sometimes we just talked about other things....it just gets hard to do this same thing day in and day out. Between people who don't get it...and newcomers who come here over and over with the same story...it just is too much. I am happy to report we have had no relapses and we just tick away at our lives. We are hoping for a couple days off down the road to get away. Don't be a stranger and feel free to email me anytime. Let me know if you do not have it any longer.

DL

I hope I am not wrong to assume you are DL?  Right?   You have to remember I haven't been around for a very long long time....so forgive me if I didn't catch the name change.   I don't have your email address anymore, as I have changed so much with computers and all.  

Anyway, so glad to hear all is going good for you as well.  The smallest things are worth so much these days....you have to be thankful as all get out.   I know I am.  Finally getting some peace with all the things going on in life.  Everyone has some things to work out...right?  Believe me....totally and completely enjoy every second with the kids, it doesn't last.    Like you are seeing, first it's just getting through the school ages, then they are getting married....boo hoo.    But it's all good in the end.   Time to start thinking of that honeymoon season in your own marriage all over again....only now it gets much much much better.

That "empty nest" thing does NOT get any better unless you get real real close with who you are and who your husband is.   That's why it's so important to really "like him" as a friend as well as a husband.   Other wise they'd drive us crazy!!! 

I am content, at peace....how ever you'd want to name it.   This place is something kinda...."take it or leave it" kinda thingy.   It's good to look at it that way.   Nothing wrong with keeping in touch with the Long timers though.   I always wonder how everyone is doing.   It's also good to see some of us grow and get "better" with time.    Time does heal....so does forgiveness.   I know you and I have learned a lot about that. LOL......

See ya soon.  Let me know how to get your email.    I have a real great opportunity going on now, so I have more time at home to do things via emails and such.

Luv~

I've got to agree with most everyone who answered back to you, and hope you will feel safe enough to continue with this board in order to get at least some help with your decision making.   I really can't believe you have to ask anything about this, but that could be due to maybe you and I having different belief systems.   See with me, I feel strongly that so that which is in a man's heart is also what is in his belief systems.  In otherwords, this isn't just the UNreal -ness of the porn with your man, but the deep desire to continue to be UNfaithful towards your relationship via the us of "close enough to reality porn".   He's not just messing with a little porn here and there, he's interested in the realism of contact with these people.  That should be enough for you to realize that this man isn't worth the air he's consuming in your space.

The problem here isn't really him, it's you.  You making concessions, settlements to accept anything remotely possible with this person.  Why are you doing this?   Don't you have the ability to remain faithful and completely dedicated to someone who you claim to love?   Then why doesn't he have that same value towards you? 

It should not matter why you don't approve, or this hurts you.  The fact is....it does.    And THAT should be enough to make him realize you have no intention of settling for this kind of pain anymore.    You are worth being faithful to both in body and spirit......emotionally, he's abusive to you.  All you've done is give up a previously abusive relationship and replace it with another unhealthy one.    That's is YOUR bad, not his.   You have to find out why you are DEvaluing YOU inside a committed relationship in the first place.

Be alone and find out those answers before you continue with this person....who does NOT respect himself , much less women in general and especially not you.   And plz, there are really great men out here in life who WILL and DO make good choices about life and have some sense of dignity of themselves and that allows them to have healthy relationships.    This one guy you've picked is NOT one of these kind.   

Plz...move on and stop allowing these kinds to disrespect you as a woman.

Luv~

His chains became mine and they were too heavy for me to carry. I held in for 7 years with a man that tried his best to convince me that his sexual addictions/perversions were non existent. Its a very sad place to be in.......denial of the truth.....and only the truth will free the soul to live free and without chains. It takes a person that can be introspective, reflective and open to the possibility that the way we do things, isn't necessarily the best choice. It is about choices.

I have been gone 7 months, free from a person that chooses to hide behind the world of porn; the comforts of cheating without having to prove faithfulness. For those that hide behind the fantasy world of sex and lust also hide other aspects of themselves. How could one person be one way in something, and different in others? We are who we are. Our actions this morning should mimic our actions tonite.  When we start looking for reasons to do something we know is dangerous to ourselves or our relationships with others, we go into a state of attachment to that thing and it becomes us. No one can say then that porn is just fantasy, if we see it, we believe it to be true. So, it is cheating.

Its the not so sloppy :) way of going about getting sexual needs met without the intimacy. When a person seeks sex, most of the time, they are seeking sexual gratification, not intimacy. ie...strippers, prostitutes, etc. If sex is just for sex, then let them go and get "just sex". Leave me alone and let me find true intimacy and connnection with other human beings. Not a fantasy. Amen/

Hey. Let me just say this. I was thinking of you awhile back when I was playing Wheel of Fortune on my computer. LOL

I figure the empty nest isn't happening to fast around here. With the oldest now done with school...she found a job locally and moved home to save her money for awhile. Sometimes I am ready for them to be on their own (like on laundry day and the amount of water and detergent we go through) but then when the house is quiet for days.....I am missing them all over again. LOL

Place of peace....I wonder sometimes when the fight for things changes. People disappoint me sometimes. No one has any backbone to stand up for what is right and we see it over and over again. Eveyone looks to someone else to make things right and then when you fight their battles and your own.....they stab you in the back in the end. From the world of pornography to the world of raising our kids.

Sorry...went off there for a little bit.

This could really become a long story,,so I will try and make it brief and to the point. I have recently married for the 2nd time. It has been not even 3 months of what I would call hell. My first marriage was 20 years of too many not good situations, and I am afraid I have let myself do it again !! I have been lied to, felt cheated, have not felt loved at all. Not even sure what love is anymore. I have tried, at least I think I have. I have tried compromises and everything to get some sort of a normal life of happiness. I married a man that was on parole, which should have put a red flag right there for as many years as he was put away. But I try not to dwell on the past. Anyway....He was off parole at midnight the night before we were to marry. And Lord only knows,,,,I should have waited. It has been a struggle every sense. I am trying to deal with, porn, some alcohol, no sex ( or just raw sex) , no kissing, and an illegal substance. He feels he has no problem with any of it, and doesn't understand why I am so upset and bitchy. I have tried to compromise with him, and he has broken them all. He don't see a problem, and won't do anything to help our relationship. I feel backed in a corner, and I am tired of trying to fight this, and I don't have that newly wed love feeling at all. I truly want out,,,but the thing that bothers me is...Whats GOD going to think of me now?? I am the one that was soo stupid,,,am I to try any longer to make this work? I have become a very bitter, angry person. and thats not me,,,I use to be  happy go lucky ,,,nothing bothered me..to a point...I feel robbed with no where to turn. What to do??? Advice PLEASE !!

Thank you,

DB

Been there done that.  More than once I suppose.   It took some time, a long time to learn a few things.   Like the fact that I don't have to like something or agree with something, but I also don't have to bare the fight all by myself.   My life speaks for itself.  I don't have to be the "one and only" one fighting the battle....sometimes the battle is won simply by the life I choose to live.....not so much winning the war against anything.    Besides, I already know the outcome of it all.   So why bother fighting with everyone who doesn't see it my way.

It just the same with the kids, they are men now.   I did my job,....still am doing that job in various ways with them, but only when they ask me for that.  Not out of obligation that I am a mother, but more out of them needing me to be there as the friend they will never loose.   It's nice to know I can trust God a lot more then ever before.   He's in charge and the burden of it all rests on a lot bigger shoulders than I have.   It's not always easy to do that, but it is the truth about it all.

I don't know what troubles plague you now, but we go through things for a time and for a purpose, and that is usually something we don't ever know about until we've finally learned the big lessons.  One thing is that it's always for the betterment of us....we become better.    So it's all for the good.   All we can do sometimes is simply show up and let God do the rest. 

The "fight against porn"....well, I think I've put it all out there....and I will continue to do so when I can.   I know I don't have to look far to see what damage it's done.   And I don't wish anyone the harm I know it can cause.  But sometimes, I also have to just sit back and let the world of all that do it's thing so others will and can learn the same things I've learned....you've learned.   Sometimes, it doesn't take me or you to be the one.   Who do we think we are anyway?  LOL.....Rest in this, no matter what.  There will come a time in this life where many many others will finally get sickened of it all and start to fight for what is right.   I do know that it does begin with women and how we deal with it all that others will find the answers.   And I sure as heck will NOT be one that this junk has power or control over my life.   It's gotten enough attention on it's own.   It really does mean NOTHING, nothing but a thing.    Read about it....it's all in the prophetic words that indicate a lot more is going on in our world than just a few scenes about degrading women and life.

It's ok.....we both went on a bit.   That's what this is here for.

Luv~

Listen up!    God did not intend for anyone to be put in this kind of situation.   This isn't just about your vows you know....it's about your husbands vows to you as well.    First of all pornography is infidelity, not to mention a whole host of other issues it is, one being the degredation of marriage and women in general.    You become what you FEED into your self.   If this man is feeding his addictions, and he has more than one of them, then he is what he is feeding.   We all have the "good and bad" but you become what you feed the most.  

It is clearly a type (form) of abuse when one partner will not, refuses to see or hear, or respect the feelings and concerns of the other partner.   Have you voiced this to him?  I am sure you have to not avail.   

It's amazing to me how many women married a second or third time will feel more dedication to staying married because what others "might" think of her should she NOT choose to stay inside a terrible marriage.  And yet, I have less respect for anyone who would ALLOW themselves to be battered down emotionally and stay in misery for the sake of "looking" the part.    Stop, think and realize that you have more value in yourself as a human being to allow someone to dominate what you know is morally right or wrong. 

Yes, it sounds like you rushed into something that probably should have taken a year, at least, of waiting until you could see this person past was and is really the past.   But it's NOT THE PAST when he chooses to live the past life over and over again.  You are risking a lot.....not just morally or self respect....but the LAW has a lot to do with what he is doing wrong.   Sure it may take some time, but it will catch up to him, and you know it.  Do you want to be involved in that part too?  Then what humiliation will you be explaining to yourself and others?  

Get help, seek others, go somewhere that you can receive the counsel you need, if not to stay in this marriage you know is going nowhere....then get the help so that you realize why are choosing to seek out this sort of treatment of yourself. 

You asked for advice....here it is.    This was rushed, too fast, and you need to back out gracefully and move on to a higher ground.  Don't wait years.   Life is too short and there are way too many good guys out here seeking someone who is just like them.....worth it.    Aren't you worth it?

Luv~