Hello. I am glad you posted again.
When I came here a few years ago, I was at a standstill also. I drove some people here crazy with my flipflopping of not knowing how I felt about porn, sex, intimacy, romance, committment, etc. No one has the answers to all our questions, so what we need to do is focus not so much on the questions but on the solutions to our questions.
There are many reasons he may spend money on porn and not on food. Maybe he feels justified because he is the one that makes the money. My husband thought as long as he paid the bills, why should I care how he spends the rest? And thats ok because if we work hard, we should have a chance to use it in a playful way once in while. :) The fact is, your communication together seems like the culprit. Or the lack of it on his part. A lot of guys look to avoid conversation because to them its whining and complaining, the same ol' same ol......kind of thing. So, you need to present your concerns in a way that he understands.
I think he is trying to say that he doesn't feel comfortable with the closeness, the vulnerability, the dependancy, that happens in relationships. Maybe he is afraid if he gets too close, he won't be able to be himself, breathe, live. A lot of people hate feeling stifled when they have expectations from them. It could be many a reason for him not to seem like he doesn't care (whether you go to bed or go to a bar)?!) He may also be testing you........without looking at his own actions, which is along the lines of a selfish personality or a childish one. He may not be fully matured, emotionally.
When two people make a committment to one another to be married, that committment does not come without a price tag. Whether it is emotional, financial, or otherwise. It is a blending of two separate people that have/had their own perceptions of what a marriage/committed relationship should feel like. How was his parents marriage? How was your parents marriage? Whether we like it or not, what we see when we are young gets incorporated into our DNA! Whether we know what we are doing is healthy or not, it is very difficult to change who we are. Your husband comes across as the kind of guy that does not to show too much affection, but tries to do it in other ways.....things around the yard, buying you a car, etc. He may not be able to give you what it is you are looking for in a relationship. But it doesn't mean you need to divorce him either.
The one very significant thing I learned through all of my time spent with my ex is look at past actions and behaviours. The past will give you loads of good information on who it is you are dealing with. What you do with that truth and information is up to you. What I learned is that no matter how much we may want things to be one way, they are not going to, not now, not ever. If you can't live in the moment with balance and confidence that you are safe and able to take care of yourself, and you live with a feeling that you are not being treated fairly or respected, then you need to look at if your expectations are being unrealistic and also childlike.
Ask yourself this question: What is it as a wife that you need? What was it as a young girl did you need? Are they the same? We live in the present but really live in the past. We have to grow up and figure out that not all people are nice and not all people are going to love us. And sometimes we can be not nice and not love someone. Love for others originates from the love we feel inside for ourselves and our lives. My suggestion is to stop telling him how you feel, take a piece of paper and everytime something comes up, write it down.
Make a section for the good things that you feel and another for the times that you feel disoriented and upset. At the end of a month, look at it and analyze if there is a pattern, a familiar repetition of events, etc. Then take it to him or a professional at first, and tell him you would like to discuss your findings and then give him a few days to digest it. Agree to come back say a week later to discuss it. I don't think that is asking too much, do you? It could be fun and it could be very helpful to your marriage.
BTW.......all this stuff????????? A lot easier said then done. :) But it can be!
